Baby Rachel's Legacy

Milestones

2012-03-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

Today is Samuel's 3rd birthday. Matt's on vacation and we're going to celebrate our big boy today - we had a special breakfast (Sam's LOVING his new menu with his old allergens!) and opened presents and later we're going to gym class and then Chuck E Cheese. Listening to him say "It's my birt-day and I'm free (3)" is not only extremely cute, but hard to believe. I'm so thankful for 3 years with our Samuel.

Asa's started teething and for the first time since he came home has been crying over more than being hungry. He hardly ever cries, probably because I'm always holding him. I can still usually make him feel better with nursing, but that can be dangerous for me now if you know what I mean. He's also rolling over all the time, reaching for things, like my face which I love, and trying to 'talk' to us. We smile a hundred times a day watching this little boy grow.

I've always been excited at new milestones with my babies....maybe even cried over them because I'm a crier. But when I watch my sweet baby boy do new things now, my heart is painfully aware that I have missed these things with Rachel....and the result leaves me not excited, not proud....but completely humbly grateful and honored to be blessed to experience it - all the while grieving what I don't get to experience with her.

I think this is why me working outside the home, while everyone thinks it is going to be so good for me, has turned out to be so hard emotionally. I can't stand the thought of missing a minute with these beautiful children. I need to work and believe God is providing for us through this job, but I'd rather be home with my family. I have found that I don't actually want or need the 'break' everyone thinks I should - although I do love what I do, it doesn't compare to what I have here at home.

And so I thank God for another day... another milestone with each of my children on earth with me.... and wonder what eternal life is like for her and what she's doing there with Him.

It Is Well with My Soul

2012-03-04T20:58:00.000-05:00

I had a long day yesterday and when I got out of work, it was the lightest it's been at the end of a workday yet. I looked over and the fact that I was just a couple minutes from the cemetery wouldn't leave me alone. I sat in the van for a couple minutes before I started driving.

I was already on the verge of tears when I pulled up....fighting them back the entire drive there. But the moment I put the van in park, I had a complete emotional breakdown. I sat there sobbing saying things to God like "Seriously? Are you serious here? Why did you have to ask this of me and why won't you make it stop hurting?"

I saw a couple of people walking towards me. A friend who lives nearby was walking with her grandson.... who just happens to share the same exact birthday as Rachel. She came up to the window and asked how I was and I burst into tears again. I looked out my window and saw his little legs kicking away in the stroller and all I could say was "Would Rachel really be that big now?" We talked for a few minutes and I definitely needed the hug - but I cried the whole way home as it hit me that I had just seen a baby the same age as Rachel at her grave. "Seriously, God?" I never go to the cemetery on Saturday evenings... and there I was at the same time as they were. I cried for a very long time last night - even though in a way, I was glad they were there and even glad to know how big she would be. It's hard to explain.

I woke up with a headache, but got up early to go to first service cause my sister worked 3rd shift last night and we babysat her kids. She told me when she got out, she'd go with us to church....and that just makes my day! So, I woke up without an alarm clock or Matt putting coffee in my face :o) We got there a little late, but when we walked in, "It Is Well with My Soul" was playing.

On January 16, 2005 I got baptized and that is the song they played right after. Today as I listened, I thought back to the innocence I had then.... that a life with God was going to be better....easier. And then I could envision myself in the van last night at the cemetery.... better? Yes. Easier? Nope.

I was holding Asa this morning, his head in my hand and his cheek to my cheek singing as the next song started.... and I got a lump in my throat as I sang "Jesus, Your Lovingkindness is better than life" - because right now, everything that has to do with death vs life in my mind goes to Rachel vs Asa. And as I held Asa close, I was soaking up every ounce of 'life' in him and missing every ounce of 'life' in Rachel. And I had to ask myself...

Do I believe it or don't I?

Do I really believe that His lovingkindness is better than life? I can answer yes easily where I am concerned. That's simple. Yes, It's better, He's better... than anything in this life.

Do I believe that Rachel is with Him in heaven? I do.

But do I believe that His lovingkindness is better than this life for her? If in my humanness, I can answer yes for me - and I cannot even fathom what heaven is like for her - then it seems like the only logical answer where Rachel is concerned is 'yes'. Yes, what she has there is better than anything she could ever have here.

I rocked Asa knowing that these days with him are going to go by fast. And one day, I will have to let him out into this world on his own - maybe to suffer some of the same heartaches and trials I have - and I pray He will follow the Lord. But there is no guarantee that I will spend eternity with him yet. That's a scary thought.

Rachel, on the other hand has the best of the best right now and will for eternity. She doesn't get gas bubbles or ever feel abandoned or neglected. She doesn't have sore gums or get overtired. She's happy - all the time. She's not in pain, she's not sad... she doesn't cry. And while all those things are things I grieve like crazy over missing - I'm so thankful that she is safe. I spend all of my days trying to keep Asa from having to feel any of the sadness or pain that Rachel will never feel. And while my mother's heart wants to be able to care for her in this way and will always grieve that I can't, I could never want more for her than to be surrounded by my great God's lovingkindness for all eternity.

Now, I'm not trying to act like this truth today just perked me right up, because I continued to cry all morning long - through 2nd service and beyond - and I left church at noon with a headache that was making me sick. I feel like a train wreck. Knowing this for her doesn't take my pain away....and it doesn't even stop my tears. But what I never understood until Rachel was how something could be so completely opposite of what I want, and still be well with my soul.

But it is. It is well with my soul.

Snowy Days

2012-03-02T17:18:00.000-05:00

This week and last week, I've been so blessed to bump into my friend Amanda at Rachel's grave... she, like me, goes every Friday - but we've only ran into each other one other time until now. Last week, we talked for a while and as I went to leave, I yelled "love you!" to her. I got in my van and looked at my phone... it was 1:43 :o) I pulled up and showed Amanda out my window and we both left smiling.

On the way to the cemetery today, we stopped so I could get a coffee and some gas. I was going to leave them in the car and run in cause my knees are killing me and carrying the car seat is hard. But just as I went to get out, I saw a guy with a gun walk in the store - don't worry, he was a cop, just not in uniform. :o) But then I got paranoid about getting in trouble, so I got everyone out of the van and decided I would splurge and get them hot chocolates too. I was getting our drinks and the cop turned around and asked if they were all mine. I let him know there's another one whose not with us, but he seemed to miss that part and keep talking. He told me about how much easier boys are.... I just smiled at my boys as he talked, but man, I would love to have another little girl being difficult in our girl ways.

As I was walking up to the counter, I realized that I didn't bring in enough money - I'm not used to Sam being able to drink them so I only had $4. they cost $1.08 each. I was planning on asking the girl that works there if I could pay later - but as I walked up to the counter I heard the cop say "I'll add their 4 drinks to mine" and he turned and told me "I love big families, I think that's great" :o) I told the kids to say thank you to Officer M. and they did - and then Sam yelled "Bye!!" and waved really cute :o) I wonder how many free coffees I've missed leaving my cute kids in the car? Ha!

I remembered my post from the fall 2010, titled One Serving Short of Complete about how I love to have hot chocolate with my kids after playing in the snow....and how I will always be painfully aware that we are one serving short. And when I just went to copy the link for you so you can read it, I read it again - and I had written it after going to the cemetery to pick out her stone.... (yep, I'm crying again - you should read it if you can)

Today, the kids & I had planned on building a snowman for Rachel, but the snow wasn't sticky enough. Des made a snow angel and I wrote my friend Nat's son, Sebastian's name in the snow for her (she lives in Australia and has no snow). It felt like a gift to be able to do something for someone else at Rachel's grave. I asked them on the way over if they thought Rachel knew what we do for her..... Isaiah said yes. I'm just not sure...and can't help but wonder. (obviously, I'm asking my kids to tell me what they think!) I hate being so far away from my girl.

We had fun playing and they ran around a bunch. I hate that in order to get a picture of "all of us" we have to include a headstone or a picture frame....and I would have given anything to watch her run in the snow with them today....

I was nervous on the way over that the roads wouldn't be plowed yet - we have a lot of snow here! I thought back to last year when we would truck through 3 feet of snow to get to Rachel's grave. I couldn't NOT go in there - and I let nothing stop me. It was so hard. I knew if it wasn't clear today, my knees and new baby wouldn't allow that and I prepared my heart for that. But when I pulled up, not only were the roads clear (LOVE this cemetery!!) but Rachel's spot was shoveled out too. I didn't expect that since Brent & Naomi just had a baby and they are the ones who usually shovel for me.

When I pulled up and my heart smiled seeing the clearing, I realized two things... I'm totally spoiled - but not without complete gratitude!! and I think I know now why it snowed so much last year....

Every time I pulled up to her grave last year, I felt loved. Through those first very difficult months, I could see the tangible way people were caring for me and loving me and Rachel because it came in the form of snow removal!! If there was no snow, I wouldn't have realized how many people were remembering us. I knew I wasn't alone. Even though as I sat at her grave each week, my heart felt more than alone, I knew that we weren't forgotten. And apparently we still aren't. I'm so thankful for that. ♥

And so while I thought that the snow was exactly opposite of what I wanted back then, today when we visited Rachel, I realized how much joy it brought to my aching heart last year - and still does. There is something about snow (and rain) that reminds me of Rachel - I'm assuming because it did both a ton while I was pregnant with her and after she died. But when I see snow falling, I can almost feel her in my arms the night she was born as I watched the first snowflakes of the year fall to the ground. And in those moments I'm as close to her as I'll ever be on this side of heaven.

Have I mentioned I miss my girl? sigh.......

Enough Already

2012-02-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

Des came running out of the post office after checking Rachel's PO BOX with an American Girl catalog in her hand. She a little *too* into these catalogs, telling us of all her plans for how her collection will grow (on someone else's budget - my Dad's) and it gets old quick. So, while I was excited for the smile on her face, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I needed to remind her that she not only does not need all of that stuff, but isn't getting it.

We got home and I checked the mail at our house. Another catalog greeted me. I tossed it on the table without thinking much and started dinner.

Des came in and said "why did I get two?" I quickly responded, "You didn't, one is yours and one is Rachel's."

And then I realized that there is no Rachel here.

You know, I could write for years about my daily struggles to accept, deal with, live through, grow in and past the loss of my daughter - but if you haven't lost a child, you will never *truly* understand what I mean when I say this grief is the most complicated thing I have ever been through.

People have all sorts of answers, ideas, beliefs, suggestions, and even judgements for and about me...Whether going to the cemetery every week still is healthy or acceptable, how I walk my kids through this, how I never put Asa down or want to share him, how I fear losing him, how often I talk about Rachel, what I blog, how often I blog, how I "throw myself into these big projects to avoid my feelings" (like my book or her race - as if I EVER avoid my feelings?) which by the way, I know I've even questioned this before, but really, these things are for her honor and HIS glory - and they hurt like hell. It's impossible to avoid my feelings - for me anyway. Maybe someone else could, but I can't and I don't.

But these are all parts of my grief journey. It's more than meets the eye in any given circumstance - what I would have done BEFORE Rachel is not what I will do now - and please don't make that a matter of my faith being weak. It's real life stuff here - not imagined in my head. I'm a human with real feelings and God made me that way. Her dying in my arms has changed how I see everything....and I'm ok with that. And I bet if your baby or child died in your arms and you never saw them again here on earth, you'd understand why I do what I do. (all baby loss Mamas are nodding right now) This is how I'm healing - by allowing myself to be, feel, think, do whatever I need to do at any given moment. By just accepting where I am instead of putting all these rules and regulations on what my life 'should' look like right now and what I 'should' be doing. And that is different for all of us who have lost children, but we need to be allowed that space and freedom without judgement and condemnation.

I've gotten a lot 'better' at dealing with it - on the outside. The two things I hate the most about myself are that I'm too open about my struggles and how that inevitably makes people want to fix me - and how I let peoples' words and attitudes affect me. I've always been like this. I wish I was the kind of person who could just let things roll off my back and if I didn't agree, just forget about it. I wish I didn't internalize everything. I wish I could just be ok with the fact that I know God is ok with how I'm handling things. That HE understands how complicated this is. That it's never the people who really do 'get it' that push their advice on me. That I know God would let me know if He wanted me to do something different - and I know that I am willing to work towards anything He asks of me no matter how hard.

But yesterday when the American Girl magazine came - and I heard myself say one was for Rachel - I looked at the cover and the red haired girl on the front had me in tears - because I always wondered if Rachel would have had red hair like Sam and because I would give anything to watch her play with dolls.... and in that moment, I knew that some people just don't get it. And I'm glad they don't. Even if it means I have to listen to tons of unsolicited advice from people who think they know what they would do if they were me. I guess we'll call that part of my trial. Too bad I'm failing at this part - because in my heart I'm not surrendered to it - I just want it to stop. I hurt enough already.

Where is Peace?

2012-02-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

I was at the doctors today for my bone density scan. While I was waiting, I saw a pamphlet and started reading it. On the back it said "You can only find peace in yourself." I dropped it faster than I picked it up.

I'm so thankful that I know that's not true....

And even more thankful I know where the only true Peace can be found.

Today the Lord put a hymn on my heart and we've decided it's the one we'll sing this week during devotions...

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear

May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.

Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer

Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Yesterday Pastor Willie mentioned a Psalm that spoke to my heart - and today while talking to a friend, she told me to read the same one - I think God wants me to do more than read this....He wants me to claim it and make it real to my heart - My God is alive....His Word is alive.

Psalm 62:5-8

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in him at all times.

Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

Always on My Mind

2012-02-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

I was driving into work today and the skies were strange... Thick clouds, yet very sunny - and it was snowing just a little. The cool air and strong winds felt like fall. The fall always makes me think of Rachel...actually, everything makes me think of Rachel. A song came on that is written by Martina McBride about a woman who finds out she has cancer. The lyrics are about what her husband said to her when they got her diagnosis...but today, as I listened, I felt like it could very well have been God's words to me....

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong

When you let go, I’ll hold on

When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes

When you feel lost and scared to death,

Like you can’t take one more step

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long

I'll be the rock you lean on

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I’m gonna love you through it.

I was on the highway, and for some reason I keep going right past my exit for work - I guess it's force of habit that I want to take the same one I take to visit Rachel... and so I took the long way to work and drove right past her cemetery. I had to wonder if I'm ever going to think of her less. Am I always going to be preoccupied with her? And the answer is yes. I'm preoccupied with all my kids - and she's no different. She was just smaller.... but boy, for a little 3lb 7oz girl, she sure weighs heavy on my heart.

"Success"

2012-02-25T10:37:00.000-05:00

These past couple of days have been pretty amazing. I started back doing hair on Thursday. Today will be my 3rd day working in a row - and I'm having fun, but can't wait for tomorrow when I can stay with my family for a few days. I have been SO blessed by you guys though....

I was on my way out the door to go to work Thursday when the mail came and I got a card from my friend Donna wishing me a good first day and a little stone with a flower on one side and an angel on the other that says "success". I smiled, tucked it in my pocket and left. (Thank you, Donna - I love you!!)

I got in my van and turned around to back out of the driveway.... there were the MOST rainbows from my little heart shaped sun catcher that I've ever seen in my car. I had to fight back the tears for my mascara's sake, but I just knew that this job - which was desperately needed financially - is being provided by God for our family and really, it's through all of my friends I've made here that this week has been financially 'successful' - but what God really impressed on my heart, which I think of every day when I tuck that stone in my pocket, is that success is not about money.

He 'said' that to me a couple of weeks ago when I started planning Rachel's Race. That I need to remember that her race is not a 'success' if we donate a lot of money - her race is a 'success' if people remember her, if people learn of Anencephaly and are a little more prepared should they ever have a baby with it, if other families find healing for their hearts being there and honoring their babies as well. Money is NOT success.

And I'm seeing that at work already. Thursday, I did a foil on an old friend Becky. I met her when I was pregnant with Desirae and she was my lactation consultant at WIC when I was nursing my first baby 9 years ago. We didn't keep in touch, but I saw her when I was pregnant with Rachel. We talked about that day - the day she found out that I was the one carrying the baby that was going to die that she had heard about. I had forgotten details about it. She told me how she had asked me about the baby , how lucky I was to have another one, and asked the kids if they were excited to have another little sister... I just went along with it and then before I left I passed one of my blog cards to another girl Katie and had her give it to her later. She told me how she cried at the news.

We did her lowlights in "Caramel" in Rachel's honor. As we talked about that day, tears were shared and in a way it hurt - and healed - at the same time. I just kept saying "I can't believe that was me". And at the same time, I think I was a little sad at how others hurt for me. It really was devastating news, but I was so determined to make people see her beauty that I didn't allow myself to go there. I can hardly believe I was walking around, going to all my appointments, continuing on with life as if she wasn't dying - handing out business cards to share her and God with the world. God gave me that strength - and now He's reminding me of it.

This is the card I made. We handed out THOUSANDS of these while I was pregnant with my girl. If you live in our area, you might have found one stuck in the card spot at your gas pump, on your table in a restaurant, or on a bulletin board at your doctor's office.... we left them EVERYWHERE and handed them out to every cashier, customer service person and random person we talked with throughout those 4 months while Rachel danced in my womb.

Last night I did another foil on a girl I met for the first time last night, Amy. She came out in the sleet to support me in this because she has a heart for our family because of Rachel. I'm just so humbled. To be able to talk about my girl and not have to explain what I'm talking about is so good for me. I'm seeing that she is still on the hearts of others... that not everyone has moved on. My weeks are filling up and they are filling up with all of you. I'm so thankful ♥ And while this is going to be a huge blessing financially for our family, it's also a huge 'success' in my heart for my sweet Rachel. I want to say I wish she knew....but you know how I feel about that. She's much too happy in heaven for any of this to be impressive - and she is much too distracted worshipping her Great God to care.... and I'm happy about that for her. I wouldn't want it any other way.

But while I'm still here on earth, I'm in awe of how many different ways being her Mama has made my life more successful.... from sharing Christ all the way down to doing hair.... My life is so much richer than it could have ever been without her - and I'm not talking money, I'm talking heart.

Thank You Lord for giving me the great opportunity - and responsibility - of being Rachel's Mama. I will not let either of you down

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

2012-02-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

Last Ash Wednesday was on March 9th.... the day I got two lines on my test revealing that Asa was with us. What a year it's been. I remember posting last year on the day after our Lent service and telling you all I was expecting. I remember sitting in that room so full of so many different emotions and hearing them say "from dust you came and to dust you shall return" and realizing I was, at the same time, experiencing both extremes with my babies. The one just being formed and the one buried in the ground.

The kids & I decided we were giving up juice for Lent and that we will drink water instead - reminding us that we need the Living Water from God more than anything else in this world.

Tonight I stood there holding this sweet, healthy, alive baby boy. During worship, they invited everyone up to get ashes put on our foreheads, as a sign of repentence to God. I walked up with Asa and Pastor Doug made a cross on my forehead with the ashes. I turned Asa towards him and he made a cross on his forehead - and as he did, he said "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust". It was kind of intense hearing those words directed at my boy - and I realized that I'm still so scared of losing him. I walked back to my seat and the song playing said "Fear has no place at the sound of your name" - and I just knew.

For Lent, I need to give up more than juice. I need to give up fear.

Isaiah got his hands on Asa's cross :o)

The Wind Beneath Her Wings

2012-02-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Since I stopped running from music to avoid my feelings, I'm feeling them alright....

This morning I went onto a blog my friend Laura Groen (a baby loss friend, Mama of Lindsay - blog on sidebar) had posted about another little girl named Lindsay who also had a heart condition. I clicked on the music player and saw an old familiar song - The Wind Beneath My Wings - it all started with one click...and I came undone.

Let me give you the background.... when my Nana died at only 56 of a heart attack, this was a song that reminded us all of her, but especially for my mom & her siblings. For years, this song made me think of and cry over Nana.

When I got sober, I spent lots of time wood working at rehab (I know, strange they'd trust us with saws & polyurethene, but they did) And I made my mom an eagle with "You are the wind beneath my wings" carved in it and I put my 6 month sobriety chip in it. As I grew up - and out - of my drug addiction, I became very aware that my mom had a strength and a love for her children that was unmatchable. Now when I listened to the song, I thought of Nana - but I cried over my mom.

So then my sister had her first baby...unexpectedly and in not such perfect circumstances....and she made a video of Jailyn's baby pictures with that song on it. Looking back, we can all see what a blessing Jailyn is - although at times single motherhood tires my sweet sister out - we are all so thankful she kept her and that she is with us. I can't imagine life without her and I know my sister can't either. But at this point, the song not only spoke of how a mother helps her children to me - but also how our children help us and make us stronger....they keep us going.

It's a mother's love - whether recieving or giving it - that keeps us going when things are hard. Some people don't get it growing up or as adults. Some don't know how to give it. But in my family, I have been so blessed to do both.

So, I clicked on the song... and I at first was thinking about all of the above. But then as I listened, I started thinking about how Rachel in all her sweetness has inspired me to keep going... to do greater things... to be a better person. But then the roles switched - and at the risk of sounding full of myself (please believe I'm not) I'm going to share this...

I sometimes struggle with people saying things like "look at all the amazing things Rachel has done" or "read Rachel's blog" or "God had big plans with her life" - or even the term "Baby Rachel's Legacy" - among the many other ways that people talk about what Rachel's short life has accomplished for God's kingdom. And when I say "people" I am including myself in this. I say it all too. And I WANT NOTHING MORE than for people to remember Rachel, talk about Rachel, give Rachel and God the glory for all of this. (so please don't stop!)

But the human (sinful) part of me longs for someone to recognize that this is my legacy too. That this is my blog - my words - my pain - my journey. I IN NO WAY AT ALL want to take anything away from or steal any glory from my sweet, precious, irreplacable baby girl. That was never and will never be my purpose.

But as I listened to this song this morning, I started crying....hard. Asa on my lap and catching some of my tears on his fully formed head, I heard this song for the first time - TO me. From Rachel and from God, my Father. I was, for the first time, on the receiving end of this song - admittedly feeling kind of strange about the fact that I was deciding this for myself as apposed to having my child decide it for themselves. But in a way, I felt like God was affirming for me what Rachel will never be able to...

that I helped her to soar... to shine... to be known. That she couldn't have done it without me - and that maybe that is exactly why God chose me to carry her. And while I'm perfectly aware and completely convinced that I could not have done any of this without the strength of my Great God - I know I did do it. I know I still am. I know I always will. I will, for the rest of my life, help Rachel to shine. I will be strong for her. I will stand in the cold shadow of her death, every single Friday for the rest of my life and all the days in between - and I will be the wind beneath her wings.

I miss you Nana
I love you Mom
I love you Meggie (& Jailyn)
Miss you Rachel Alice Aube

And to everyone who has lost a baby or a mother....I'm so very sorry for your loss... whether you are the wings soaring high or the wind beneath them holding them up, it's a hard place to be - but a place where a love and a beauty like no other shines.

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

It must have been cold there in my shadow,

to never have sunlight on your face.

You were content to let me shine, that's your way.

You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,

while you were the one with all the strength.

A beautiful face without a name for so long.

A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,

and everything I would like to be?

I can fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,

but I've got it all here in my heart.

I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.

I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?

You're everything, everything I wish I could be.

Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.

You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,

so high I almost touch the sky.

Thank you, thank you,

thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

Nothing Compares

2012-02-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

If only I could *really* explain with words what happens in my soul during worship.... I can't, but I'm gonna try to give you a glimpse of how the Spirit moved in me this morning...

First of all, I have to preface this with the fact that I have kind of been avoiding my 'feelings' lately. My heart has been hurting and I almost feel like if I allow myself to go there, I'll never come up for air again. I know that's not true - and it's not even really a conscious decision I make, but as I was talking to a couple of friends about my book on Thursday (and lack of work on it) I was choking back tears. It was then that I realized there is a reason I haven't sat down in over a week to write.... it hurts. And I'm kind of tired of hurting.

I also feel like, while it's great to make my 'gifts list' each week, I had to *force* myself to sit down and do it yesterday. I hate the fact that nothing I write in those posts leaves room for the Spirit to lead my words. I guess it just feels dry, even if it's all good stuff - and it seems like it's about everything other than Rachel - which defeats the purpose of blogging. I'm blogging to work through my grief, not avoid it. I also want to make sure I can still minister to the women who are just starting this journey - and I'm not sure that's the best way to do it. I plan to continue my list, but I'm not sure I'll do it here. It was good for me for where I was at, but as usual, I'm finding out how I need to bend with my grief and make changes accordingly.

Last week when I got to church the worship team played 2 songs from Rachel's funeral in a row. I sensed a complete breakdown coming. I detached myself from worship because (are you ready for this...totally vain here...) I didn't want to ruin my make up before the open house at the salon. (just being honest) I knew if I opened my heart, the tears were going to flow hard - so I didn't.

This morning was a different story. And my heart was so blessed. The lyrics in each of the songs seemed to mesh together...all revealing the same truth: Nothing compares to the promise I have in Him.

The first song was "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" - the verse that always gets me and where my tears started rolling today was this:

Oh I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy
Like they're dancing now

I stood there, tears streaming down and a smile on my face (you know the official 'crazy look' I was talking about) :o) with two thoughts.... I could just imagine Rachel dancing in heaven and the day I get to join her there - And amazed at how God helped me to 'dance' throughout my time with her. How can I be dancing when my baby is dead? I completely understand that to some it's foolishness....a joy that's incomprehensible. His love... you have to know Him to know it. And once you do, you wonder how you ever made it through life without it... or without Him.

I was meditating on that truth as we started singing these words...

My Jesus, My Saviour,

Lord there is no one like you,
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love....

My comfort, my shelter,

Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

I couldn't help it... my mind went to why couldn't You have just let her breathe? and before I finished the thought, the next sentence reminded me that she's not missing out on anything, it's just me. She is worshipping Him with all that she is...for all eternity. I on the other hand, have to ask him to keep me close because I am prone to wander and forget. And I am so thankful for how He pursues me.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands,
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

The work of His hands.... at times this is the exact reason I struggle - to know that He is in control of everything and allowed me to lose a child. To know - and fully believe - He could have stopped it all...and didn't. It is only through this trial that I have become all the more certain that loving and trusting God is my only hope for true joy. And the Promise I'm holding out for isn't on earth - it's in heaven. And there, Rachel is not dead.

We could have stopped worshipping right here and I would have already left revived in my faith - but then these lyrics:

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

I thought about all the people in my life who have failed me, given up on me or run out on me.... all the disappointments in this world.... My God isn't like that. Never will be. On top of never leaving or forsaking me, he also paid my debt for all my sins in full. I will never really understand why - and I'm certain I'm not worthy.
So, from the bottom of my heart and from deep within my soul I begged that He would make the last verse we sang my reality - that in all I am and in all I do - for Him, for Rachel, for others....that He would consume me from the inside out and shine through me....

Take this life and let it be
All for You and for Your Glory
Take my life and let it be Yours

Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God....Forever.

I'm all Yours Lord. Nothing Compares to the Promise I have in You.

Gifts 103-143

2012-02-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've got a lot of catching up to do, so I'm jumping right into my gifts list from the last 2 weeks and I'll try to blog some other stuff soon. I've been SUPER busy with getting ready for work and starting to work on Rachel's race, which is awesome, but it's time consuming. I hate to use up all my time cause I've got this super cuddly baby here and like hanging out with him. But I've got a couple of blogs I need to get out of my head soon....here's my list!
103. The sound of coffee brewing
104. Crisp blue skies
105. Warm days in the middle of winter
106. Tiny socks
107. When I catch myself laughing again
108. Rebirth
I got Matt to bring Rachel's bench in so I could keep it in the mudroom. I was out at the store and wanted to get a plant to put on it. I was drawn to this little strange looking plant that hadn't bloomed yet. I looked at the tag, it was going to be tall and purple. Not the usual type of plant I'd buy for Rachel, but I picked up some yellow daffodils and put them back down... I just knew this was the one. I got home and looked it up to see what it needed for care and what it symbolized.... "Rebirth" it said. No wonder it made me think of my girl. When it bloomed, it was not only beautiful, but it smelled amazing. God knew I needed the reminder that she's not dead.

109. fruit smoothies
110. The excitement in the boys when a train passes (goes RIGHT by our house)
111. Food in our refrigerator
112. Neighbors talking together - our close knit neighborhood.
113. A yard full of toys revealing good times had
114. Inquiries about Rachel's 2nd Annual Race ALREADY!!
and as I was on line making up some of the advertisements for it on Vistaprint, I decided to search for coupons and I found this:

That would be a heart, a 43 and a rainbow all at once :o)

115. Being loved, Being Mama

116. A 'temporary' inspection for Matt's car (long story, but no more walking!)
117. Comfort from God on hard nights
118. Salon booth rental inspection passed
119. Days out with all my kids gone smoothly
120. An encouraging talk with another homeschooling mom
121. Lots of appointments already booked for when I start work!!
122. My guy always reminding me I'm his girl
Remember I told you how we write on our cups and reuse them for the day? This is what I found on Tuesday morning ♥ The D is Des' cup.

123. Asa growing so much new clothes go unused.
124. Being discovered as "Rachel's Mama" while I'm out.
125. A clean house
126. A bird hopping from branch to branch
127. Color photos of Rachel (thank you Lisa!!)

128. Every tear that reveals how deeply I love
129. A great turnout at our open house at Pin Up!
130. A bed prepared for me each night without me asking
131. Eggs & Turkey Bacon
132. the opportunity to teach my children
133. A Valentines Day poem from Matt
134. Homeschool friends and parties!

135. the innocence of children
136. Solar powered lights for Rachel
137. Lower blood pressure for me & for Matt.
138. Listening to Sam count
139. The help of a hot glue gun
140. Sam passed the milk test!! Look out dairy, here he comes!
141. Asa's giggle (my Valentines Day present)
142. A full nest
My anniversary present from Matt.... a nest necklace and matching ring, made to order... 3 boys, 2 girls and a white charm pearl to represent the baby I miscarried. I LOVE this necklace & ring... I LOVE my full nest of beautiful children...and I LOVE the man God gave me to spend my life with.

143. Daisies and Tulips... and yes, I put this one on # 143 ("I love you") on purpose. Read This post from our anniversary last year (it's easier than me explaining it all again!) If you've been reading with me for a while, I'm sure you've caught onto some of this anyway, but when you see how many different ways God made daisies and tulips a part of Rachel's story, you'll know why I can't see one without thinking of her. They also were a huge part of our wedding, which I didn't realize until last year when I went to do a post for our 5th anniversary. So this year, I decided that from now on, my February decorating at her grave will consist of these two flowers... and the same ones for as long as they will hold up. Instead of trying to do something for Valentines day that doesn't look cheesy (which is hard to do, I've discovered) I made a new bouquet out of the flowers from last year, adding just one new tulip - These flowers were with us at the hospital when I had her. I also made a couple extra decorations out of the bouquet my mom had bought for her funeral. So this is one of the most meaningful bunch of decorations I've brought there yet....

I hate the fact that I'm getting the hang of putting together grave decor from things I already own. And yet I'm thankful that I'm able to...for her and for me. Yesterday I felt kinda like I'm taking care of her "room" - like I do for my kids here once a week....without the frustration of having to try to get her to help. If only I could serve everyone in my life so selflessly - without expecting anything in return....it brings great joy to my mama's heart to pour out my all for my children. And yet it is hard not to resent being responsible for everything here sometimes instead of being thankful I can clean their rooms in the warmth of my home and not at a cold cemetery. I only get a few years to care for these sweet children before they'll leave my nest. (I hope and pray I get that)
A change of heart is coming.....

Crazy For Love

2012-02-13T23:43:00.000-05:00

The open house for Pin Up went awesome yesterday - Thank you to everyone who came out to support me in this new endeavor! I wore my hair in a "pin up" 50's style, which was fun. I felt a little silly at church beforehand - but had fun doing it! My mom was the first one to show up and she brought me some daisies for my station. ♥

We were overwhelmed by how many people came and for over 4 hours, I was standing talking to people.... I felt it in my knees when I got home. I didn't realize how much it would wear me out, but basically when I got home, I pumped, ate dinner and sat on the couch with Asa. I fell asleep during family devotions at around 7pm and slept all night. (almost)

I woke up at 1am and since I had already slept more than I do in a usual night, felt wide awake. I had a snack and watched a couple episodes of the Wonder Years (anyone else find that show depressing?? Love it, but the end of each show always leaves me sad...) I had Asa in his new "I stole Mommy's ♥" shirt. He was all snuggly laying on my chest. He stretched and his hand touched my face and he left it resting there.

Two thoughts crossed my mind and stung my heart....

I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I can't believe I get to spend all my time with a real live baby who loves me to pieces.... and.... how on earth did I make it all those months, without Rachel before Asa, without dying from a broken heart and the ache of empty arms??

It hurts so much now I can hardly grasp how much it hurt then. I know the pain was deeper and more constant - IT WAS ME. I went through it - and for some reason, I have a hard time really understanding how I'm still alive after pain like that - aside from God carrying me. It feels like it was someone else - especially when I look at photos from when I was pregnant and from the things I did in her memory just a few months after she had died. I'm probably not making any sense.... I guess all I can really say is I miss her like crazy and love him like crazy. The two completely huge and overwhelming feelings sometimes leave me with only two options... cry and never stop or smile and never stop. Both would make me feel and look crazy and so I guess I'll just go for the ultimate crazy look... I'll do both at the same time for the rest of my life - and maybe I'll wear a pin up just to top it off.

At the open house yesterday, I talked with 2 other mothers who both lost their sons. These boys were much older than Rachel - they were young men. But these moms invited me to hang out with them some time because being together helps them to know that they aren't crazy.... "or that if they are crazy, at least they aren't alone in it." We laughed, but we all knew it was true. We all long to be understood - to know that with a few simple words someone 'gets us'. We want our new normal to not feel so crazy and unpredictable.

I'll admit, between my hair-do, my broken heart and the depth of my missing Rachel, my intense love for this sweet baby, falling asleep sitting up, eating string cheese at 1 am while watching Kevin Arnold try to figure out life, I felt crazy last night. But in the best possible way one could ever be crazy.

Crazy for love.

I'm thankful that I love so deeply - even if it makes me hurt deeper too. And if the two have to go hand in hand for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. I would never go back to the days before my girl - she has shown me it's okay to be unashamedly crazy for love.

I don't assume they celebrate Valentines Day in heaven, but I bet I'll see a heart in an unusual place tomorrow, reminding me of her presence in my life even still.

I love you with all that I am sweet baby girl....yesterday, today, forever. ♥

Okay

2012-02-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have a few things I want to blog about, but can't seem to get myself to write them out. It's been a hard week of missing Rachel. I've been sad a lot this week and my heart is heavy for her. There are lots of good things going on. I'm super busy getting ready to start work and also getting some of the prep work done for Rachel's 2nd annual race this summer. Everyone here is healthy and things are going okay. My knees are still a mess (yes, that is now plural) but the one that is fractured is MUCH better than it was and I've lost 9 pounds. My blood pressure seems to be down now so it was probably just elevated because of my injury. Matt's car is finally on the road again after 3 months of walking to work. Matt's been so supportive and in tune with my emotions and my kids have brought me extra laughs and smiles lately, especially Asa who is almost as in love with me as I am with him.

So everything is good.

And yet, I'm still sad.

But it's okay.

Morning Coffee Talk

2012-02-07T12:56:00.000-05:00

Isaiah asked to hold Asa and then asked me to take their picture.

I gave him the baby and took their picture and poured myself some coffee.

"It's good you have that picture, Mama." He said. I nodded and told him it was a cute one.
"Cause that way if I die and Asa dies you'll be able to remember us"

My heart sank. Hardly the morning coffee conversation I had expected.

"I could never forget you, Isaiah" I assured him.
"But what if Daddy did?"
"He couldn't either - we love you too much to ever forget you...we remember Rachel, don't we?"
"Would you be really sad if I died?"
"I would be devastated."

I could see in his eyes that this was weighing on him. My little 5 year old boy seemed to be figuring out the finality of death....on earth.

Des spoke up and said "I think Isaiah's forgetting that by the time he dies, you'll already be dead cause you're WAY older than him"

"I hope that's the way it goes" I said completely unconvinced that it will go that way - no matter how much I think it should.

I changed the subject and as they moved on to the next topic at hand, I wondered to myself why my children need to know this reality so young.... and wondering if I've completely screwed them up being so open and honest with them along this journey. I have to believe that God will use this in their lives too and that sheltering them from the reality of death does them no real good. I know I've followed His lead on how I've walked my kids through this. But in the back of my mind.... the place where all Mamas store their guilt....I felt like I had made a mistake.

One dead, Four left to figure it out. My heart breaks for all of them.

14 Months, Still Missing Her

2012-02-03T21:53:00.000-05:00

This anniversary hit me harder than last month - maybe because last month I was preoccupied with Desirae's birthday - or maybe because this month the 3rd landed on a Friday....or maybe grief is just like that, strange and unpredictable.

When we first got Rachel's diagnosis, I refused to look it up on line. I knew it wouldn't be good for me. My sister did research for me and told me anything I needed to know. But one of the sites she found, she said I should look at cause it would be encouraging for me and help me prepare. I trusted her advice and that is when I found the Anencephaly.info site. I used this site and the stories and photos there to help me to understand what I had ahead of me. I also used the photos that these families shared to help prepare Desirae to meet her little sister. I have a link for how family and friends can help us on the side of my blog that goes to this same site.

Yesterday I was honored to receive an email with THIS LINK in it. When I opened it up, I sat here and cried. Never did I ever imagine that I would have a child die, let alone from anencephaly....and even when I knew I was going to see both happen, I never thought she would be on this site and able to help so many other grieving parents. I'm sad that she qualifies to be there and yet so thankful that this site is available and easy to find for people who receive this devastating diagnosis.

I had wanted to take down her Christmas decorations today, but I failed to pull together a replacement for them and I want to have something to put in their place. I still have her little tree up here too, I'm waiting until hers comes down before I put this one away. It somehow makes me feel closer to her if I have things here and there that are similar - I also like to keep things that I will eventually bring there here for a while so it's more like a piece of our home is at her grave. And then when I take things back home from her grave, I keep them out here. I know, it probably sounds weird.

I started to feel really bad this morning when I was at the craft store last minute trying to figure out what to do for her grave for February - it's still snowy and cold and too early for spring decor, but the Valentines stuff just wasn't doing it for me and the snow isn't staying deep enough for a snowman. I started to feel emotional over the whole thing and decided I would leave her grave the way it is and just bring something from home for her. So I made a little bouquet of flowers I had here and laminated a little poem that I came across the other day from one of the pamphlets I have and when Matt got out of work, we went down to the cemetery. I've been glad to have him go with me more lately.

Tonight I bought a fresh bouquet of daisies for my counter. The ones I bought the day before Desirae's birthday are just starting to wilt.... it's been 14 months of fresh flowers around here, always reminding me of my delicate, unique, beautiful gift from God that was like a splash of color and a sweet fragrance that pushed up through the broken ground. My sweet Rachel Alice. I miss you so much it hurts baby girl.

Here is the poem I left for her today....

♥ To Our Rachel Alice ♥

Precious tiny, sweet little one -You will always be to me

So perfect, pure and innocent - Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life - And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to come - And join our family.

We never had the chance to play - To laugh, to rock to wiggle

We long to hold you, touch you now - And listen to you giggle.

But now you're gone and yet you're here - We sense you everywhere

You are our sorrow and our joy - There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong - We'll forget you never

The child we had, but never had - And yet will have forever.

(Author Unknown)

We miss you so much sweet girl - every minute of every day

for the last 14 months and for the rest of my life,

You're in my heart always.

Love,

Mama, Daddy, Desirae, Isaiah, Samuel & Asa ♥

We'll Be Home in a Minute

2012-02-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had an appt for Desirae and as I was packing us to go she asked if we could get a babysitter for the boys. I told her no, it's easier to just go and she let me in on one of her worries...

"But then everyone is going to say 'Wow, you have YOUR hands full' to you and 'Are you the big sister to ALL of these BOYS?' to me." (add rolling eyes and sarcastic tones) I smiled because she's totally right. EVERYONE tells me I have my hands full. But I didn't notice that they consistently then go onto the next obvious thing...Des is stuck with all boys - 3 of them! She hates the reminder.

I said "well, when they say that you can just say "I have a sister, too" and smile.

She liked my idea, I could tell by the way her face lit up at my suggestion - but then she told me how she would finish off the comment... " Yeah...I'll be like, I have a sister, too... She's at HOME"

Yes she is.

As I drove home from that appointment, (after being told I had my hands full!!) I thought about Desirae's words earlier that morning. I thought about the fact that we are just on our way to where Rachel is, it's just a long ride. I pondered the idea of time here vs. time in heaven. And I really think that from the time Rachel got there until when we arrive, to her it might just feel like the time it takes us to drive home from an appointment. I figure this is one of those areas that we cannot comprehend God. Time. Although the minutes on earth feel like forever until I'll see her again, He really hasn't separated us for that long in heaven's minutes.

I talked to my mother in law on the phone yesterday and when I hung up the timer on the clock indicated it had been exactly 43 minutes since I dialed her number. I couldn't believe it. It didn't feel like long to me and my heart broke when I thought about the fact that it was the same amount of time I had with my girl.... I thought back to her birthday - that's it? It went by so quickly.

Today Sam had an appointment at the Neurologist. He has a really deep sacral dimple that a few doctors have been concerned about now. He had an ultrasound on it when he was 18 months old, but apparently the doctor who ordered that didn't know that would be too old for Spina Bifida to show (another neural tube defect that presents itself as a hole where Sam's dimple is) So anyway, his primary doctor wanted me to get a 2nd opinion to see if we need to do an MRI on him, which thankfully, he didn't think we do. But as I sat in his office and looked around, there were models of brains all over the room. That's what he specializes in....I tried not to think about it, but it was impossible.... she was missing that part. I wanted to show my kids 'Hey look, this is a brain' but I couldn't. I couldn't say it without saying, this is why Rachel died.

Why couldn't it have just formed? I guess technically, it tried to but because it was exposed to my fluid, couldn't. Yep, that makes me cry. I hate it.

I was on my way out of that appointment and the lady said "You have your hands full!" (I could almost see Des' eyes roll right out of her head!) I smiled and said "Yes, I do and my heart is full too." and as I snapped the baby in to his seat, I looked up and said "we're on our way home."

And suddenly Rachel didn't feel so far away.

Going Back to Work!

2012-02-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

OK, if you have hair on your head this post is for you! I'm going back to work! I've been anxiously waiting to tell you about this because we had to wait for our inspection, which was today and went fabulously! So it's official....

I honestly never thought that I would see this day....but Matt & I have decided to take this amazing opportunity for me as a stylist at a new hair studio in Dover that my good friend Heather D. is opening this month. It's called Pin Up and we'll be using organic and all natural, local products - from the hair color down to the refreshments! I'm pretty excited about it. The timing is absolutely perfect the salon is so cute!

We've thought about Matt getting a 2nd job, but this way Matt doesn't have to be gone more - he hates not seeing the kids at night. This job is going to allow me to work very part time and make my own schedule, which means I can be home until Matt gets home and be back just a few hours later so the kids are always with us and him & I still get to hang out before we go to sleep.

I went to write in my schedule and realized that the first day I was going to start was the 22nd of February.... That's Ash Wednesday....and we go to church that night. I erased it and moved it to the 23rd and smiled - I love making my own schedule!

Speaking of schedule... I'll be starting the 23rd of Feb and would love it if you live close enough and want to come get your winter pick-me-up with a cut, color, foils (LOVE foils!) or a treatment to add back some moisture that these dry months take away! Either email me or message me on facebook and we can get you in. Right now I'm only planning on working a few hours a week so book now! :o) I'd love to meet some of you that have walked this road along side me for so long. AND through April I am able to offer a discounted price of $10-$15 off every service!

If you are able, you should come check us out Sunday the 12th between 12-4 - we're having an open house for Valentines Day....with chocolate and mimosas - I'll be drinking sparkling cider :o) But I would love for you to come see where I'll be! Email me for directions.

I Can't - But I Could

2012-01-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday we went to the Children's Museum after church. I shouldn't have been there on my knee, but I was doing what I do best...pushing through the pain. So, a little while into the visit I was in too much pain and decided we should go upstairs to the 'little people' section where they have a nursing nook and I could sit down and feed Asa. There are a couple of other rooms up there too for the bigger kids, so that is what we did. Sam came in and showed me his puppet 'froggy' and then walked out. I smiled at his cuteness.

I looked at the wall in front of me and there were daisies painted in a mural with butterflies....I started thinking about Rachel (And Amelia) and how I wished I would have been able to nurse her there like I had with the others. Just then, Matt peeked in and asked where Sam was. He had JUST left my little cubby so I said 'right out there' and didn't think anything else of it. About 5 minutes later Desirae and Isaiah came in upset saying Sam was missing. He can't be, he must be right out there and Matt just can't see him... I thought as I got up to look around. I looked everywhere and still couldn't see him so I told Matt to go look down stairs. By this point it had been at least 5-7 minutes since we had seen him.... but I was in the 'in between' where I figured Matt would walk down the ramp and find him right away.

That didn't happen. I kept looking over the loft walls to the floor below at all the kids playing, praying I'd see Sam and he was nowhere to be found. It was like a scary movie, kids screaming with delight all around. I opened the elevator to see if he was on a joyride...nothing. I looked over the last wall to find Matt describing to the front desk what my little boy was wearing and that was when I lost it. I heard them call for assistance over the loud speaker and my heart dropped, knowing that sometimes these moments change from a scare to reality for so many people. I practically ran down the ramp to the first floor, carrying Asa and dragging the other 2 behind me - It had been about 10 minutes and at this point I was saying out loud "No Jesus, No..." (yep, pretty sure I looked like a nut case... a bunch of kids, limping, crying and praying out loud...) I got to the bottom of the ramp and there he was, screaming as usual, holding onto Matt's hand. I was never so glad to hear that scream.

I immediately said "I want to go home" and made my way to the coat room - where I quickly discovered that I had done WAY too much to my knee and my tears were not just over the scare now, but also my intense pain! The kids were complaining cause they wanted to stay and all I could say was "I can't lose another one of you"

Do they get that? Maybe. But in that moment all I could do was lay out my stark cold reality. I can't lose another child. I can't. And yet, I could. I could.

So last night Matt got back out of bed to come down and thank me for all that I have done for Rachel and for our family and for God with Rachel's life. It was nice - yet totally uncomfortable - to hear. He said "It wasn't as tragic as it should have been, you made it pretty"

I'm glad.... but all I could say was "it was tragic for me" - it still is.

No sooner did we get done with this conversation and I looked over at Asa in his swing to see him with his mouth open and tongue sticking out. I jumped to get closer and see if he was breathing cause this is not his usual face while sleeping. I couldn't see his shirt moving. I touched his arm. He didn't move. I shook him a bit. Still nothing. I said "Jesus, NO!" and he jumped.

"I thought he was dead" I said and I started bawling out of relief.

Matt came over and started praying for me... but it went something like this "Thank You Lord that You are in control and you will do what you will with Asa's life, just like You did with Rachel's" - I know what he meant. He meant that each of our children's lives are in His hands...and His hands are a safe place to be. But that is not what I heard. I heard, it's fine with us if you take him too, just do something pretty with it - I argued my point, "Just because He has control doesn't mean they won't DIE - and I'm just not into it." The truth of my distrust was unavoidable. I was all about "I trust You God" when I was waiting to see if I was going to die from a tumor in my knee....but when it comes to my kids, that comes MUCH harder.

Did he get that? Maybe. But in that moment, I couldn't handle the utter powerlessness over my babies. I can't lose another child. I can't. And yet, I could. I could.

Today I was changing Asa. I flipped his shirt up away from his diaper and the snap hit him in the chin. My mind immediately went back the the hospital room with Rachel. I had asked the nurse that was on that morning if she could cut Rachel's umbilical cord thing off so I could keep it. She came in, flung her shirt up and it hit her in the face. I asked her to be careful. She opened the scissors and lost her grip and the handle hit her in the eye. That was it. I told her to get out and told Matt that if he didn't get me another nurse I was going to freak out. "She wouldn't have treated her like that if she was alive" I demanded. And so Matt went out and got me another nurse (thank you, honey) and that nurse was Kim who I had the day before and am still in contact with regularly :o) (love you Kim)

But as I realized that I had just done the exact thing to my live baby, I felt bad... Maybe she WAS treating her like she was alive and not dead. Maybe it was the opposite of how it felt that day? I got really close to Asa and I started telling him about his sister. I told him how he got to come into that room with me while I was waiting for him and that his sister had been in that room. And the tears started flowing... I told him I miss her so much and I kissed his belly. I felt his lungs fill with air and I thanked God that he is alive. I picked him up, hugged him tight and begged him to stay with me....

Does he get that? Nope. But in that moment all I could do was hold onto all I have.... and cry over what I've had to let go. I can't lose another child. I can't. And yet, I could. I could.

Blossom

2012-01-28T20:08:00.000-05:00

While the gift lists posts are nice cause they don't take long to write and I usually don't feel too emotional through them, I think every once in a while I should be a little more vulnerable. I know I mentioned it briefly about saying it sucked to have our baby in the ground... but I'm not sure I could ever express in words just what I mean by it 'sucks'. I'm not sure there is a word in the English language that describes what that does to a mother's heart. I could add the F word in front of it and that still doesn't do it. (Are swears even real words? I usually try not to use them here, but sometimes my vocabulary fails me - anyone know another word for suck? ugh, I keep saying it)

The thoughts that go through my mind, the things I wonder.... I know the little body I carried around inside of me for 9 amazing months as I got to know her personality, is down there - just under the surface. I remember the night we buried her sitting on my couch wanting to drive down there and dig her up. This part of it has been absolute torture. It just isn't right. I hate dirt, I hate bugs, I hate the cold.... and I would never leave my kids.

And here I am, almost 14 months later, and I have no choice but to leave her....in the cold, in the dirt, with the bugs. And these things aren't supposed to plague my mind? I've wondered if I should have had her cremated, but I know I would have the same thoughts, they would just involve fire, which I also hate.

I understand that 'she' is not there. I've heard it a million times, I believe it....but part of 'she' to me is her body and it is there. I spent hours and hours researching what kind of vault to buy because I wanted to make sure that she wasn't going to get wet and that no bugs could get to her. My God am I really saying this about my baby?? But the truth is, I don't know that they aren't lying. I mean, who checks into those things? You can't get your money back guarantee on a casket or a vault.

What I want for my daughter is to wrap her in a blanket and keep her dry and warm. I want to provide what she needs to help her grow... to be able to love her - not her stone...her. I want to keep her from deteriorating little by little. I want to make her whole.

After I had a conversation with a friend today who has the same struggles, I looked up at my calendar on my wall. And I can't help but wonder if there could be something more to what is below the surface of the ground then we know.... Like maybe He's already working on that.... And maybe even when something really F-ing sucks, maybe there is still Hope.....

My heart cries out....

Blossom baby girl, blossom.

Rachel's Birthday Update

2012-01-28T18:56:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone who sent us gift cards for Rachel's birthday that we just met another need in her honor this week, thanks to you all...

Options for Women has a program called "Baby Steps" where they help young moms with diapers. They were out of a few sizes so we used Rachel's Birthday gifts to buy 6 packages of diapers for them to give to these girls.

Thank you all for making this possible! We love you ♥

We still have more gift cards left and will let you know what God brings our way next!

Thankful for Gifts # 82 - 103

2012-01-28T18:08:00.000-05:00

Random piece of info that I forgot to share last week... I stopped to eat lunch on the way to go speak at the high school and when I got back in the van the clock said 12:43. I pulled up at a light and looked to my left and next to me was a car that said "Daisy Florist" on it :o) She lives!

The Maine Doctor's office called me to 'see how I was doing' as a 'courtesy call'. I told her good. She continued questioning me about the baby and if I was depressed. I understand they just want to make sure everyone is ok, but it's slightly strange. She didn't know how to respond when I said everything was good. (?) Then I called to cancel my follow up appointment up there cause it's too far to drive just to hear that they are disappointed that I'm not taking my anti-depressants. When I called, the nurse asked "did you decide to start taking your Zoloft?" I said no, actually I'm feeling much better, I started a list and am running.... yeah, I'm sure she concluded I needed serious help after that conversation :o) But it's been pretty amazing watching God lift me out of my pit and restore my joy.....and all I had to do was start with #1. Him. So, here are my gifts from this week....

82. Daily phone calls with my mom
83. Successful days of math with Desirae
84. Four children to hug every day
85. One child that makes me love them all deeper
86. Yummy salads
87. A mother & daughter retreat on the bathroom floor to play with make-up and the smile on Desirae's face "I can't stop smiling" she said with a huge smile as I put it on her for the first time. The whole time I was grieving that I'll never be able to do this kind of girl stuff with Rachel, yet at the same time it brought me that much more gratitude for this time with the girl I get to keep.

88. Sam holding onto a little girl's pinky as they walked around at gym class
89. My booth renters application was approved... convictions and all!
90. Conversation with my Grandma
91. A sleep-filled night with Asa
92. Love notes from Daddy

We use plastic cups and write our names and the day of the week on them so that they get reused all day long and we know which one belongs to who. On Thursday when Des took a sip of her morning OJ, she found this special surprise inside her cup :o)

93. Sam ate cake with eggs baked into it without a reaction!

94. Matt's consistency with family devotions
95. Singing hymns with my family - we pick a new one each week that we sing every night.
96. I received the first pledge towards Rachel's 2nd Annual Race! It's on!!!
97. Our non-profit status has been approved for Baby Rachel's Legacy!
98. An unexpected ride for Matt to work in the rain and slush
99. Spiderman and Super Sam!

100. The blessing of siblings and seeing the way that helps to shape them

101. A surprise in-home date night with steamers and a movie ♥

102. A marriage bond growing deeper

103. Blessed Assurance - This is the hymn we are signing together at family devotions this week. With all the uncertainties in this life, there is One who we can be sure of. Jesus. Here is my favorite verse....

Perfect submission, all is at rest

I in my Saviour am happy and blessed

Watching and waiting, looking above

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Saviour all the day long......

Between The Scan and The Results

2012-01-27T23:59:00.001-05:00

The weather here today was horrible. It snowed a bunch last night and then poured rain on it all day. I decided that I was going to skip my visit to Rachel today, which was a hard thing to decide....I've only missed 2 Fridays in 13 months and that's cause I was out of the state both times. But I just couldn't see getting everyone into the van to go drive by her spot, which with the rain the way it was, that was about all I was going to do - and then I had to worry about my knee on top of it all.

I had my MRI late this afternoon. Everything seemed to be running smoothly. I prayed through the scan...for people who came to mind, for them to find whatever was wrong and for Matt & the kids since they were out running errands while they waited for me (still sharing a car) I have these crazy thoughts that they will all be out together and get into an accident and die on me. I hate knowing that life can all change so quickly.

So, I had actually fallen asleep during the MRI, if you've ever had one, they are pretty loud and not necessarily comfortable so that tells you how tired I am! :o) They got me out and said they just wanted to check and make sure they got everything before I left. I went up to call Matt to tell him I was done.

I hung up the phone and heard them whispering in the hallway...
I stepped out into the hall.
She said "we're just going to have you go over to the other side so the doctor can talk to you about what we saw in the scans"

I've heard those words before.

As we walked, I said "I hope this doesn't mean that this is bad news?" She looked at me and said "ummmm" I interrupted, "You can't tell me, can you?" She shook her head.

My eyes started to sting. Before I knew it I was telling this poor lady about my baby that died and how I had a scan that they sent me to talk to the doctor about and that didn't turn out so well, so this wasn't making me feel very good. "Just wait here" she said, pointing to a little room.

As I waited in this tiny little makeshift room with just a curtain for a door, I sat there wondering what they would tell me. I wondered if this was going to be another one of those moments where my life forever changes. I wondered if being without Matt for this news was a bad idea.

I sat there repeating over and over "I trust You God, I trust You"

The doctor walked in and said that the MRI showed a fracture that the X-ray didn't pick up. I sighed relief. He also said that ibuprofen shouldn't be taken for a fracture, that it slows the healing - way to go Frisbee Hospital! They told me to talk it around the clock! That ER trip was a joke. Crutches I can't use, a prescription I am allergic to and advice that slows my healing. (although to be fair, they didn't see the fracture, but if they weren't so busy trying to keep me from relapsing, maybe they could have given me something for pain that wouldn't have been working against me this whole time) anyway....

I waited for Matt to pick me up and as soon as I got in the car I started crying. "Can we go to see Rachel?" I asked. He nodded and headed towards Dover. I started telling him what had just happened and I could tell he understood my fear. He knew that day like I did. "we'll have to let the doc explain that to you" she had said after my ultrasound. He's walked the hallway with me between the scan and the results before. He knows what that feels like.

As I sat there crying after just getting non life-changing news about my knee, all I could think was how traumatic this entire experience has been. It affects me right to the core of my being. The littlest things; a similar word, sound, smell....all bring me right back to her diagnosis...her birth...her death...her funeral.

My Lord, why does it have to be so complicated?

We stopped at McDonald's and grabbed some food. I sat nursing Asa and watched Matt & the kids get their drinks, finding myself smiling continuously over something cute one of them did. Loving so deeply is scary to me now. I'll do it because that is the best part of this life, but it scares the crap out of me that at any moment, one of them could be taken from me too.

We went to Rachel's grave, I just couldn't skip today after the walk down that hall. We stood there in 2 inches of slush and as I stared at the spot where her little casket is buried, thinking about her little body being under the very ground we were standing on I said to Matt "It sucks that our baby is under that ground." We stood in silence in the cold rain for a few minutes, the water leaking through my boots....

"But it's a nice stone" I said as I tucked my head into his chest. I signed 'I love you' to her as we drove away. I hate leaving her there, no matter how many times I come & go - I always hate leaving her there.

I'm thankful that today's walk for results only revealed a broken bone....it'll heal a lot quicker than the broken heart the last one caused.

Plans??

2012-01-25T20:59:00.000-05:00

I had my appointment at the orthopedics yesterday and he said he thinks I tore my meniscus. They are going to schedule an MRI to see if that is what happened and how bad - which will determine if I need surgery. I only have insurance until the end of the month so I'm hoping to at least get the MRI done by then and that I won't need surgery.

Yep, never a dull moment.

Then I went to my family doctor to have my blood pressure checked....it's still high for me, but borderline high for the norm. The first thing he said to me is "you could stand to lose 30-40 pounds"

Uh huh.... I know.

So please keep praying. I guess now wasn't my time to run? Really tired of learning these lessons about my plans vs God's plans. I thought I was going to start running.... guess He had other plans?

Oh well....I've had better plans ruined.

wow.

2012-01-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

All I can say is Thank You Jesus that I am serious about what I take while nursing - My knee was feeling better yesterday and then today got WAY worse. I think because I was out and about today, but I just went on line to look up the prescription that they gave me at the ER the other night to see if maybe I should just fill it anyway and take it cause I'm getting desperate for some relief. And, are you ready for this? It says not to take it if you are allergic to sulfa drugs.... which by the way I AM and I TOLD THEM - and they WROTE DOWN. Apparently the doctor didn't read that part of my chart. Funny they knew I was an "alcoholic patient" but not "allergic to sulfa drugs" Focus on the wrong thing much? Can't seem to figure out why I don't trust doctors......... wow.

Love my baby boy ♥

New Mercies This Morning - Gifts # 59 - 82

2012-01-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

His mercy is new every morning...... Here we go....

Gift #

59. Old Friends
60. Heated seats in my van
61. Asa's clear lungs
62. A dedicated and hard working husband - and his willingness to walk to work in all this snow!
63. Watching Matt father our children and teach them about God

64. Fluffy snow
65. The opportunity to share Rachel at the public highschool.
66. Emmanuel - God is with me....ALWAYS
67. Unexpected Packages from friends I've yet to meet - I went to the post office to mail a couple of things and decided to go back in and check Rachel's PO Box. I found a beautiful card and this necklace....

I'm not sure if Jennifer thought of this when she picked this out, I think she probably just picked it out because of the daisies.... but the daisies being on a scrabble piece have a special symbolism to me - I was thinking how in the game of scrabble, you are given pieces that aren't necessarily always ones you would pick, but then you have take what you were given and make the most you can out of it. Daisies have always been that one thing that reminds me of the great beauty in all of this pain. They say "Rachel" but they also say "I'm making the most out of this" I determined to do that the day we got her diagnosis and I will continue to because I'm her mother and will not let her down. I also find the '1' on the back to be appropriate - she was 1 of a kind, and the letter 'I' makes me think of the Great I AM.... He is everything I need. Thank you for this special gift, Jennifer - I accidentally threw the package away without writing down your address if you don't mind emailing it to me?

68. Being recognized by strangers as Rachel's Mama... at the same post office trip, I had someone stop me (hi, Carla!) :o) and tell me she reads my blog and would be praying for me during my talk at the school. this is such a gift to know that so many people know of my sweet girl and are still with me on this journey. ♥

69. Redemption - in this life and for eternity
70. Hearts, Rainbows and 43's - How He loves me.
71. The work of Options for Women Pregnancy Center
72. The availability of doctors and medicine
73. Nurses with a heart to serve and help people (I've been blessed with the BEST nurses) love you, Kim.
74. The baby loss community - being understood
75. A church family that is so generous with their time, treasures & talents in our community
76. A tunnel in the snow - the kids worked together and built something amazing!
77. The crown of thorns... interesting this landed on #77?? Sweet Forgiveness.....

So, this one has a long story - one that started just a few weeks after Rachel's diagnosis. If you've been with me that long, you'll understand this... if not, (or if you just want to be re-inspired!), you'll want to catch up by reading these two posts - From August 2010 and From December 2010 The quick version is that God has used these two plants (named 'crown of thorns') that I found 'by accident' :o) to remind me that He is a God who is aware of my suffering. These plants have taken my breath away as they have lost all their leaves and flowers during my most trying times in this journey - and then budded as I started to heal... and now, just before Rachel's 1st b-day, the red one (from my friend Anne) started to bloom for the first time in a year! And is now covered in redish pink flowers (reminding me of Anne's daughter, Rose who had anencephaly too) and this week, I noticed that the yellow one (that I found on our family vacation in 2010) that has gotten to be so ugly I almost threw it away a few weeks ago figuring it had no hope of coming back to life... I mean look at it... it's ugly and most of it has died off... but at the top of this one thorn-covered stem.... new life....budding...and blooming... that's my girl! ♥

early in the week, I noticed the buds!

And yesterday - on Friday! - I noticed the bloom!

Pretty good for a plant that like warm climates and is in an unheated part of our house in a window in the winter!!

78. The way he smiles at me - how I love this little boy. Thank You Jesus.

79. "Godwinks" - You've heard me talk of my friend Melissa (Amelia's Mommy) and I know many of you have read her blog too... Well, the day after Christmas I was looking at clearance ornaments at the store and from a distance I saw these little snowmen ornaments that light up. I looked for Rachel's name and found it, and right next to it... Amelia's :o) (not exactly alphabetical order!) I couldn't resist buying both of them, didn't seem right to leave Amelia behind - so I did and sent it to her mama. They are safe in His arms...

80. He walked on water....and reminds me

Can you see it?? It's a footprint made out of water (I numbered the toes) - from Des after her shower....

81. The morning sun peeking in the window

When I took this picture, I thought about God's light shining in each of us - including Rachel. This photo 'happens' to be a number ending in '43' ♥

And, since I know you were all wanting to know... the talk at the school went really well. Apparently the teacher had followed our story through the articles in the paper and has read my blog. I didn't know how she had heard about us so I wasn't sure how to approach my story with them. I was unbelievably comfortable, which I didn't expect. The kids asked some really good questions and I showed them the slideshow. They all took a couple of handouts that I made up home with her pictures on them and a story about how God carried me through my pregnancy and her birth - and information on anencephaly, which is so important for awareness.

There were two things that stood out to me as blessing to me - one, I caught myself smiling throughout the video a bunch of times - usually I just cry when I watch it so I've avoided it for a LONG time. It was sweet when I noticed the joy I had looking at my journey with her. And two, God had prepared me to answer one of the questions that a girl asked through a post I did the other day (the one about happiness vs. joy that I felt led to blog even though it wasn't Friday!) A girl asked "what do you think life would be like if she didn't have anencephaly? If she didn't die?" and I was able to share that while I might have the illusion I was happier, my joy would not be what it is - and that happiness is fleeting. I don't think I would have been prepared with my answer had God not revealed that to me just a couple of days before. I told them that most things worth doing in life are hard, take lots of work, perseverance - and even some pain, but that the things I have received through this trial are not things that can be taken away from me....and I'll see her again some day.

82. Thank You Lord for the hope of heaven.

Issues

2012-01-20T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'll have to get to my list of gifts tomorrow cause tonight I'm not feeling very thankful. Funny how it's hard to see the gifts when you're not thankful, isn't it? Seems like it should go the other way around, but it never does. So anyway.... here' s my issue... I promise I will get back to the good stuff tomorrow.

I decided I was going to train to run in Rachel's race - and that every step I took was going to be for my girl. So, I made it to day 2 of week 2 of the couch to 5K program. I was feeling WAY better emotionally and even physically, just all around better. So then Sunday I woke up and my knee was killing me. I could hardly walk. I babied it Sunday and Monday morning it felt better... I figured I was just weak from being pregnant twice in a row - and so overweight - and just needed to take it slow. Well, since then it has gotten worse every day. I decided tonight to go to the ER at Frisbie Hospital to have it looked at. This is where I get real pissed....

On the way in, the woman who checked me in said under her breath to the woman bringing me back "she's an alcoholic patient" - Mark my words, from now on, on those stupid forms that have NOTHING to do with my current medical care, I WILL NOT be answering their questions about my previous alcohol use.

I really believe these people thought I was there faking my injury to get pain meds... I dealt with similar issues in Maine. I was actually on a medicine that was helping me, but it has an 'addictive' nature and so rather than allow me to keep taking that, which wasn't an every day pill and they said was safer while nursing (they say) - and did I mention that it WORKED for me??? they insisted I switch to something that we didn't know if it would even work, that I had to take every single day, that wasn't as safe for nursing, that was in my opinion NOT what I needed.... but I'm not the doctor... we wouldn't want me to get addicted to something that works, that would be horrible. Good looking out, Doc.

They took x-rays tonight which showed nothing and told me to see an orthopedic doctor. Well, that sounds fabulous except to go anywhere I have to take 4 kids with me. And on top of that, I only have insurance until the end of the month. And what's (s)he going to do any different? I went to the ER cause I could while Matt was home. Pathetic, but true.

She said I need to avoid running and just do other things like abs and arms at the gym. (not like I could run anyway, I can hardly walk) I know she didn't care, but I couldn't help it, I said "I do a 5K in memory of my daughter and I was trying to train to be able to run in it this year - so this is breaking my heart, just so you know" and I started crying. I've cried a lot today and I know it has to do with my pain level and the fact that I haven't been exercising. Exercise does more for me than Zoloft would any day. Since the day I blogged about my plan to exercise while recording my gifts, I really haven't cried much. I have a few times over Rachel, but not the type of thing where I just cry and can't stop, seemingly over every little thing. I mean, some things deserve tears and some just don't.

Then they gave me crutches as if I can use them while carrying a baby around.... oh, and the fact that I can't bend my leg which is kinda necessary to use crutches properly - but at least they gave me something right? They'll probably charge the insurance $800 for those stupid things and say they helped me. Then they gave me an anti-inflammatory prescription. This is what I was hoping for.... and when I asked the dr if I could take it while nursing, she said she'd check. She sent the nurse back 10 mins later and she said, "we looked it up and she said that you should just take ibuprofen if you're nursing" and walked out.

So, I'm home after over 3 hours in the ER with crutches I can't use, nothing for pain, the same thing that hasn't been working for swelling (that doesn't even touch the pain) and I've been told I can't run. And P.S. I'm an alcoholic patient.

I came home and buried my head in Matt's chest and cried "I wanted to run in Rachel's race" and until that moment, I had no idea why I was so mad. I could care less if they think I'm a druggy looking for pills and so therefore, refuse me anything for pain. I could care less if I can't leave my house.... if I have to lay on the couch with my sweet boy all the time.... or if nursing hinders me from being able to take the medicine they gave me. But why, when I just found a healthy 'for me' kinda thing to do that helps me physically and emotionally while still being 'for her' does it have to be ripped from me practically before I start? I'm so sick of disappointments. I'm sick of having my past constantly following me around. I'm tired of the judgement that brings. And I'm really really tired of doctors making NO FREAKING SENSE AT ALL - let me get this straight.... while nursing it's not safe to take a strong form of advil, but go ahead and take Zoloft?? Please, I'm not stupid - I may not be a doctor, but there's no way you can tell me that that makes sense. But I suppose they would have some ridiculous answer they could pull out of their bums about how it's a different strength in your milk if someone asks, and us dummies just go around believing everything they say instead of using our brains (I don't use the word brain lightly) and looking at the facts... it makes NO sense. I bet if I would have cried a little more in there, I probably could have left with a script for Zoloft for my sprained knee.

Oh, and my blood pressure, which is normally around 104 over 55 was 165 over 95. At my last doctor's appointment in December it was 145 over 70 and they were concerned then (cause they know my norm and that's high anyway) and yet, the ER has nothing to say about that except "that's really high". hmmmm... did they learn that in school? Is there something I should do about that? It's probably a blessing in disguise that I hurt myself cause I probably would have had a heart attack while running. What the heck is going on with me?

So there's my vent, here's my request... please pray for:

My knee to get better so I can at least exercise, and hopefully eventually run :o(
My emotional state while I'm waiting for that, cause I feel it shifting after just a week of not exercising.
That I'll get an appt quickly with the Orthopedic doctor and that if there is something else going on, they'll find it.
My pain level.
My blood pressure
That somehow, I can start getting the same treatment other people get and stopped being labeled an alcoholic.
And as minor as this may sound, I need prayer that I will start to drop some of this weight. I need to lose 40 pounds, haven't lost a single pound since I came home from the hospital no matter what I do food/diet wise and even with the exercising I did. And this of course, isn't good for my knees. I am so tired of hearing 'you've had two babies in a row' - lots of people do that and don't still look 6 months pregnant 2 1/2 months later, so just go with me on this one and don't make excuses for me.

I miss my girl.....
that may seem like a different subject, but I just got an unavoidable urge to say it. The emptiness is woven through every detail of my every day.

Tomorrow

2012-01-18T22:40:00.000-05:00

Two quick things....

1. Totally discouraged that I got a call this morning from the DOC and the officer told me that there hasn't been enough time yet since I completed my sentence to file for an annulment... but, they're still keeping my $100. So, please be praying because I've decided I'm going to ask for a hearing. I'll keep you posted.

2. I was invited to speak at a local public high school - and tomorrow is the big day. I have no idea what I'm going to say at this point. I am not really sure what she is expecting. I asked what she wanted me to say and she said "just share your experience" I asked if there was anything she didn't want me to say and she said "nope". I know my story is my story, but it feels a bit different trying to explain it to teenagers in a public school.

I asked her if I could show my slideshow (the 'remembering Rachel' one) and she said yes and she wanted to know if it was ok if they asked questions and I was completely fine with that. I don't feel nervous yet... but I'm unsure of how to do this. I've only talked in public about Rachel at her walk and at her funeral... and I sobbed through both. I am confident that God has a purpose in this - and that someone in that room will someday know why they heard about a sweet baby girl named Rachel in their high school class. I hope I'll be blessed to hear about it, but even if I never do, I know that this is a detail in God's plan. I'll just try to follow His lead. Can you pray for that? It's at 1:00.

Thank you ♥

My Dirty Laundry - Washed By God

2012-01-17T23:28:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have been with me for a while, this won't be new news.... for those of you who started reading recently....hang on, I'm pretty sure you won't be expecting what I'm about to write.

I was asked to share my testimony the year before last at our woman's retreat, right after I found out I was pregnant with Rachel - the topic of the retreat: HOPE. I shared my story and my newly discovered pregnancy that weekend... In sharing my story, I had to re-live a lot of my past and God used that to revive my heart with Hope for my future - a hope that I had no idea I was about to need greatly for my next trial. I honestly thought I had enough of a testimony, but God still chose me to give the privilege of testifying to his goodness through Rachel too. Anyway, here's my first testimony :o)

Today is the anniversary of the day I got arrested. 11 years ago today, as I stepped out of my car in my driveway, I was confronted with a couple of guns to my head. "Get out of the car!" one of them demanded. As they cuffed me, I watched in slow motion as drug task force agents came out of every area surrounding my little mobile home, with big guns and ski masks, and busted open my door.

My drug addiction had caught up to me. I was just 21 years old. I had sold to an undercover 4 times, 4 different drugs. (one of my 'friends' brought his 'cousin' around and set me up to get himself out of trouble...love it)   They also charged me with possession with intent to sell 3 different things that they found in my house. The paper called it a "Drug Fun House". I spent the next 11 months in and out of superior court facing 7 class A Felony drug charges and my family was completely devastated by the constant front page articles and my ongoing battle with drug addiction. The front page read "Gonic woman faces 87 years in prison and a million dollars in fines" Sounds like a bad day, right?

Yes, but it was one of the best days of my life.

Today, without meaning to schedule it on the anniversary of my arrest, I got a babysitter so I could bring Asa to the doctors (he's doing well) and then we go over to the court to apply for an annulment.

I drove down that familiar road and as I approached the court, I looked at the jail over to the left.... I could envision myself walking out the back door, carrying all my smoke covered belongings in a black trash bag over my shoulder, the day they let me out. I was 5 months pregnant with Desirae. How did that happen you might wonder? Weekend visits at rehab.... Where I met Matt. Yep, I found out I was pregnant with Des in jail, after falling in love with another addict in rehab and managing to get pregnant 2 months later. Imagine that collect call from your daughter....sigh.

I walked through the door and they joked that they needed to check the baby's seat for weapons.... I lifted his blanket and showed him off... and then of course had to set of the stupid alarm! why me? They asked if I had anything metal in my pockets... "just my gun" I said ( ha! just kidding, making sure you're paying attention) :o) I got my files and as I looked at the huge stack of them, I wanted to puke. This is mine? The top folder said "Sale of MDMA" on it... what the heck is that? I didn't even remember the terminology. Something that at one point consumed my life - and nearly killed me - I couldn't even remember.

As I was making my copies, two girls behind me started screaming at each other and people were holding them back from fighting.  That used to be me. I looked up and saw three prisoners standing in their jumpsuits wearing shackles. That used to be me....pregnant, in a jumpsuit - my Lord, my poor parents....  I looked up at them with knowing eyes that I'm sure they didn't believe - and quickly returned my eyes to the copier.

One of the questions wanted me to write what my sentence was. I couldn't find the exact sentencing on the papers, so I asked. She pointed to where it was - it said 2-4 years state prison, 5 years probation. I told her that wasn't my sentence, but she insisted it was and walked off on me. I almost left, I got so overwhelmed talking to her that I started crying and sweating (what is that all about??) and I was just going to take my copies and leave... but I pulled my jacket off and stayed. I decided I would just write what she said they wanted. I did that for 6 of the 7 charges....

They all said either 2-4 years or 3-6 years and the prosecutor wanted them to run consecutive (one after the other), not concurrent (at the same time). I would have spent a minimum of 15 years in state prison. I got to the last one, which was technically the first one but I was going backwards because of how I laid them down after I made copies - and the last one said 12 months Department of Corrections, after completion of 7 months in rehab, 5 years probation, 15-30 suspended for 10 years. That was my sentence. He gave me a chance to sink or swim. And I KNEW I was going to swim.

Suddenly it all made sense. I forgot that I had a different sentence to begin with. (how did I forget that??)We had appealed it and the judge let me speak. I remember sobbing like a baby in court, holding onto my Nana's bible (I was NOT a believer then, explain that one!) I was quoted in the paper as saying "even my dog has been affected by this. I thought I wasn't hurting anyone but myself, but I was wrong" Even my dog? I meant it that's the funny thing. I'm sure the real criminals there that day thought I was still on drugs! But I was thoroughly convinced that I had let every person in my life down - and I had. I felt like a total loser and I was desperate for forgiveness. I was scared to keep living the way I was and I was scared to go to jail... but I really didn't think I could stay clean outside of jail.

I know that God had me read that paper last today for a reason. As I wrote all those years on each paper, I imagined what my life would have been like - I'd still be there. No husband, no kids, no Rachel. And when I got to the last one and saw the grace that the judge had given me when he totally didn't have to....I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I looked further and saw the day noted when the judge received a letter from my doctor who was concerned about my baby's health since I was losing pounds and in a smoke filled room.... "granted" it said.... They let me out to finish my sentence on house arrest. Had that not happened, I would have had Desirae in jail.

Standing in there today, I just couldn't believe that was my life... and that I was comfortable in those environments... me, whose afraid to walk alone at night. Maybe the reality of all the bad places I've been have left their mark in my mind? I'm not sure, but I know it's been a long, hard road. So, why do I say it was one of the best days of my life? Because in God's infinite wisdom and mercy, He was saving me from myself. I was already in a prison and likely to end up dead - I just couldn't find my way out. 11 years ago today, I started my journey out of that prison. He had better plans for me.

On the paperwork in courts, it still reads... "on the seventeenth day of January, two thousand and one in the year of our Lord" What? It says in the year of 'our Lord'? and then it lists out my charges... I did 'knowingly commit' those crimes.... I was guilty. I am guilty. I told the woman that as I read those papers, it was hard to believe it was me. she giggled. I didn't think she believed me, I said it again... "it really blows me away that I did those things" she giggled again. "that is probably how my parents felt when it happened, huh?" she laughed some more. "I'm going to call them and apologize again when I get home" I said.

I gave her the check and asked how long it would take to hear... "60-90 days" she said. I asked "and then what?" She replied, "And then it's like it never happened."

I'm embarrassed that I didn't say what was on the tip of my tongue, because I was prompted to by the Spirit for sure.... but had I said what I was thinking, it would have sounded like this...

Sounds a lot like what happens when 'our Lord' takes his proper place in our lives.... all those charges...guilty. My failures, my wrongs, my idols.... "like it never happened"   The blood of Jesus covers all my charges and makes it 'like it never happened' in the eyes of God. He grants our annulments! And we don't even need to pay the DOC to do an investigation! :o) wow, He is good!

I started crying right there. I cried all the way home on the phone telling my friend Millie about all the things that had just happened... and overwhelmed with how good God has been to me. She commented on how God's hand had been so obviously on me for so many years - even when I couldn't see it.

I came home and called my parents and apologized for what I put them through and thanked them for staying by my side.

I'm so thankful that God didn't leave me there. I'm so thankful that I have had the opportunity to be a wife and a mother and to have my sweet Rachel. I pray that I have served Him well in giving Him glory through the blessings that have come from his great mercy on me. He is the only God who can bring beauty from such ashes and make flowers push up through broken ground. He is my Savior and Redeemer. Thank You Lord for rescuing me from my pit - even if drug task force style was all I would hear!

Psalm 116

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;

he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,

I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,

the anguish of the grave came over me;

I was overcome by distress and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD:

“LORD, save me!”

The LORD is gracious and righteous;

our God is full of compassion.

The LORD protects the unwary;

when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,

for the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the LORD

in the land of the living.

If that doesn't make you want to shout for joy, check your pulse!! He is SO GOOD.

Check out this video that our church put together a couple of years ago... It's amazing, have tissues handy!
About half way through, you'll see mine and then Desirae did one too. (she was smaller then)

The Cost of Joy

2012-01-16T23:59:00.001-05:00

I'm totally not meant to only blog once a week.... I'm just gonna try to shorten them and spend less time on them. How's that for a compromise? :o)

Today is the anniversary of when my Nana died. No matter how many years go by, January 16th will always be a day that makes my heart skip a beat.

I was sitting on the couch today snuggling with my sweet Asa. I looked around at all the pictures of Rachel on my walls... I put my hand over his head. His fully formed head. I kissed his warm cheek.

The tears started flowing.

I wondered to myself, what was life like before Rachel... what would it be like if I was holding her right now... if I didn't lose my girl. What would my life look like if she was toddling around my house in her cute little dresses. If I had my two boys and two girls that I've always wanted? Even better, what if I had 3 boys, 2 girls HERE with me? If I didn't know this pain? Would I be happier?

The question stopped my wandering mind. Happier?
Would I be happier??

Well, happiness is kind of tricky. I think I would be happier in that I wouldn't have to struggle with so much sorrow and grief. I wouldn't cry as much or feel as heavy hearted. I may even feel like my life is perfect, overflowing with blessings. And it would be.

But if there is one thing I have come to know through Rachel, it's that life is not about happiness. I would trade all the happiness and comfort that a trial-free life can offer for the joy that I have found in my God's arms as I have loved my little girl - through her life and in her death. Pain? Tears? Sadness? Yep. No way around that. Am I happy? Not always. Would I be happier if Rachel didn't die? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind.

But joy... hope.... love.... I didn't really know a thing about them until I walked the road of bittersweet with my girl. Happiness will come and go - whether you lose a baby or not - it's a fact, happiness is dependant on our circumstances. And I'm not even all that convinced that I was that much happier before Rachel. Life has always been hard, we've had a hard road.

Joy doesn't need the perfect day, the desired outcome.... an alive daughter. Joy is found in the Lord and the Joy of the Lord is my strength. And even on the days when I cry, my heart aches and I wonder why it couldn't have been different....joy is in my heart. Because knowing Rachel was a true gift. She has changed me for the better and made me more like Jesus.

I miss her like crazy. I look at her pictures and I want to hold her again so bad it hurts... literally in my chest. But wow....she was awesome. I wish you could have met her.

I wish you could have seen first hand what God did in that hospital. The peace, the joy, the love. wow.
Happier? I don't know.... I think losing her has given me way more than I ever could have believed it would. More than I would have if I got to keep her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm happy about this. It sucks, every second of it. And honestly, I wish it didn't happen to me, to her. But most beautiful things come at a high cost....

Just look at the cross.

Our God is Good

2012-01-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

Had to post this real quick, too... I know it's not Friday, I'm a rebel :o) But I've already worked on my book today :o)

I blogged last week about how God had comforted me through the song I found in my desk as I cleaned. (See post below if you didn't read it.) It was the song "Good to Me" and the timing of me coming across that paper was perfect.

Matt goes to first service at church without us cause he teaches (I took this year off) and then we all go to 2nd service together. I was still laying on the couch with Asa when he was leaving.

"Tell me if they play that song" I said as he kissed my forehead. "I have a feeling they will."

I'm sure you've caught onto how often God uses music to speak to my heart - and there are so many times that we end up singing songs on Sundays when the timing is unbelievable for something that had happened that week. Even things like singing a song from her funeral on her birthday....some times it brings me serious pain, but even in the pain, I'm thankful to have the reminder of her - and that God hasn't forgotten me.

Matt said ok as he headed out, but since I don't usually share these things with him ahead of time (I'm always trying to tell him this stuff AFTER the 'coincidence' happens and he's never overly impressed) I know he didn't really think much of it. Nothing compares to the smile on his face when he came home to get us between services (still sharing a vehicle...) and said "They played the song!" and on top of that, he was "late" and it started playing as soon as he walked in.

We got there late for 2nd service so I missed it, but as we sat down, they started playing "I will Rise"

Jesus has overcome - and the grave is overwhelmed,

the vicoty is won, He has risen from the dead...

And I hear the voice of many angels sing worthy is the Lamb....

I hear the cry of every longing heart, worthy is the Lamb

I've blogged about this one before and how I think of Rachel singing praises to God in heaven when I sing this. Today though, probably a result of what God has been doing in my heart these past two weeks, I felt like I was singing WITH her.... it's the cry of my longing heart - my comfort through this horrible trial - He is worthy... I know she's singing it there...and I'm thankful that I'm singing it here - wholeheartedly.

I was just writing in my book about the day I found out I was pregnant with Rachel... shortly after I had the 2 pink lines, Matt & I (we were at a conference) had to go our separate ways because they were having a different speaker for the men and women. I rubbed my belly and the first words I ever spoke to her were "Looks like it's you and me, little baby...I'm so glad you're mine"

Today, as she worshipped in heaven and I worshipped here, I felt heaven and earth become one and my soul spoke these words in her direction "It's still you & me girl, I'm so glad you're mine"

There is a piece of me in heaven. Our bond will never be broken. She is such a blessing....and our God?
Our God is GOOD!

My Target Heart Rate

2012-01-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I ever blogged it, but I had said I was going to - one of my blog readers, Laura from NJ had emailed me a long time ago and talked about how the number 143 used to be the way to say "I love you" when texting/paging someone (remember pagers?) :o) She said she felt like Rachel's 43 minutes on earth was her way of saying "love you" to me. (through God, obviously) I think of that every time I catch 1:43 on the clock or somewhere else.

Last night I was at the gym... day 2 of week 2 on my couch to 5K running plan.... I placed my hands on the heart rate monitor to check where I was at. I followed the white line that appeared over until I got to my age and saw that it was right over the green line, meaning I was at my target heart rate.

My eyes shifted to look at the number. A big 143 right next to the red blinking heart.

Didn't I say she would be my inspiration to keep running? She's with me every step of the way.

The 5th Hook & Gifts 20-58

2012-01-14T00:19:00.001-05:00

Only blogging on Fridays has been hard for me... there are so many things I want to write - and although I've gotten much accomplished on my book (chapter 1 just needs some editing!) it's not the same. Writing on my blog has always been a good outlet for my feelings and the book is more structured and just feels harder.

Yesterday we got a good amount of snow. I'm always coming up with new ideas to organize here - I hate clutter and we're a good size family in a fairly small house so I get creative. It drives me nuts that when the kids come in from playing outside, the kitchen ends up with wet snow stuff all over it (our mudroom is on the wrong side of the house!) so I bought these hooks to hang jackets and snow pants on and decided to screw them into the side of the counter by the back door where the heater is - so there is a place to hang stuff until it dries. Isaiah & Matt put them up for me yesterday. I bought 4 of them and kept telling Matt that I should have bought a 5th one for Asa. I measured it all out, leaving space so we could get another one and put it up. Matt said that we wouldn't need a 5th one for a while and I'm surprised he didn't question me when I said we would "in a year or so" because it dawned on me after we put up the 4, that we have enough - Asa already has a hook.... I guess in my mind and heart, Asa is my 5th child, not my 4th. And he is... but Rachel doesn't need a hook. The funny thing about me is that I'm still going to get a 5th one... because my heart would rather see a hook empty and know she wasn't forgotten, then only have 4. I have 5 kids, I should have 5 hooks. The extra one won't serve as a reminder that she's not here, but rather as proof that she was...

Baby Brother shirt courtesy of my friend Cyndie - I didn't want to use the usual "little brother" one cause I wanted Rachel to keep her place as "little sister" and so Cyndie made this shirt to match the ones we had from when Rachel was born. Thanks Cyndie ♥

And now onto my graces from this week.... I'm so thankful for the blessings of:

20. Snowflakes - unique, once-in-a-lifetime design. we celebrated Des' birthday with a snowflake theme to symbolize her very special place in our hearts.

loved our last minute idea of hanging snowflakes from the balloons... they were dancing all around us!

21.Music, how it ministers to my soul

22.A warm home on a cold morning

23.8 weeks with Asa and every breath he's taken in them

24.The sound of my kids playing, talking, and growing together

At this point, I decided to count each of my kids and to count 5 blessings from each... and I bet you can guess where Rachel landed...keep reading...

25.Desirae

26.Her contagious giggle

27.Her intelligence & gift of writing

28.Watching her care for Asa (& Sam)

cuddling on the couch...Rachel's blanket, too!

29.Conversations with her, she's so grown up

30.She still calls me 'Mama'

31.Isaiah

32.His Independence

Putting up the hooks for me... getting pretty good with that drill! (again, Rachel is in the background... see her daisies?) ♥

33.The way he seeks to please the Lord - and tells us to, too!

34.His sensitive heart, he's like a big teddy bear

35.His "all-boy" craziness

36.His bright, big blue eyes and how big they get as he asks me for chocolate for breakfast :o) that's my kid!

37.Samuel

38.He makes us laugh all day long

39.He loves to clean up after himself while singing

40.Hearing him pray

41.His excitement over everything in life

42.The way he says "Love you, too Mama"

Yep, she landed here... #...

43.Rachel (are you surprised?! I couldn't believe it!) Unreal.

44.The way I'm able to share God with others because of her

45.Friends I have because of her

46.She inspires me to do greater things

47.She gives me a longing for heaven

48.The storm and the rainbows that carrying her, knowing her, and loving her have brought to my life.

49.Asa

50.How his fingers wrap around mine, showing me he's alive and strong.

51.Every time he smiles at me, my eyes fill with tears

52.What happens to my heart when we snuggle together

Christmas Morning
Thank You, Jesus that we were able to spend Asa's first Christmas with him

53.The joy & pain that comes as every minute with him reminds me of Rachel.

54.Being able to nurse him - and all our sleepless nights together

55.Rachel's grave is surrounded by beauty - it's good to feel so small.

It's prettier on a sunny Fall day, but still beautiful even when skies are gray

56.Matt offered to drive back to Rachel's grave for me tonight (after we went and I forgot my camera) so he could take a picture of what we were blessed by when we got there...

57.A huge space shoveled for us at Rachel's grave and some dancing shoes.

58.Jesus conquered the grave!

I forgot how hard last winter was until tonight when I pulled up and saw that friends (Brent & Naomi?) had shoveled for us... my heart dropped as I remembered all the times I was moved to tears by the way people cared for Rachel's grave last year. The snow was over 3 feet deep at times and she didn't have a stone yet. The kids & I would tromp through the snow to bring her a flower - I never missed a Friday no matter what. I still don't. Brent & Naomi used to shovel for us every time it snowed and the cemetery used to plow especially for me because they knew I came on Fridays (once they even plowed the entire area around her grave - not just the road!) - but for some reason, I had not even considered the idea that I might find her spot cared for when I got there tonight. It was such a blessing. Thank you for remembering us ♥

And what do you know, I finished this at 12:03 again, just like last week! Maybe I'm supposed to blog on Saturdays, not Fridays!

Your Promise Never Fails Me

2012-01-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I was at the gym and bumped into the doctor I had who gave us Rachel's diagnosis. I was thankful that my heart stayed in my chest....I left and cried on the way home over all the things I wished I had said. That moment won't come again and I feel like I failed Rachel and Asa both....since she not only didn't see the point of me carrying Rachel to term, but also was totally against me having another baby so soon. My heart screamed to tell her how amazing they both are and how wrong she was - but I didn't. And I regret it.

Tonight I was cleaning out my mess of a desk. This desk was in Rachel's room and I spent months after her death blogging from it and planning her events - I've shed millions of tears at this desk and had many moments of joy as I've watched through cyberspace all the things God has done through Rachel's life. So, as I cleaned the drawers I came across a lot of Rachel's stuff... her obituary...newspaper articles...her insurance card...sympathy cards...pictures....

About half way through, I started crying and it got progressively harder as the minutes wore on. Just as I began to wonder if I was fooling myself that this new 'plan' of focusing on my gifts was going to help me heal, I came across the tabs for a song. I don't know why it was in the desk and not with the rest of my music, but I picked up my guitar and played it for the first time in weeks - and this is what I found myself singing....

Good to me

I cry out,

For Your hand of mercy to heal me.

I am weak,

I need Your love to free me.

Oh, Lord, my Rock,

My strength in weakness, Come rescue me, oh Lord.

You are my hope,

Your promise never fails me.

And my desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good,

For You are good to me

For You are good,

For You are good to me

Gifts 1-19

2012-01-07T00:03:00.001-05:00

On the first Friday of the new year, I'm grateful for my gifts of.....

1.Color... that I can see it, that they can play with it....and that it will be even more vibrant in heaven.

2.That God is the Lifter of my head.

3.Wiggly baby feet

4. For lessons learned.... (if you pee in the toy box, you're gonna have a lot of cleaning to do....yes, he did.)

5. The depth and strength of a Mother's love...my mom's for me and mine for my children

6.Homeschool mornings in our PJ's

7.God speaks my language... the day after I decided I was going to work on my book, I got a call from a publishing company that I had come across by 'accident' last year while trying to look into turning my blog into a book. He said they had been trying to get in touch with me since "366 days ago." (I had ignored all the calls cause I wasn't ready, but answered on Wednesday) On Ann's blog the day before, her post said that in the bible it says "fear not" 366 times, that's one for each day of the year, even on a leap year. He reminded me not to fear...

8.He pursues me with an everlasting love and doesn't allow me to put another before him.

9. Determination....my own (a gift from Rachel) and my childrens'.

10. He prepares us....for the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. He is always preparing us to be ready for what's to come.

11. That while we are totally unaware....growth is happening....sometimes in such small measures that we can't see the enormous difference it's making in us. I'm also so grateful to be able to watch Asa grow...although he's growing WAY too fast for my liking, I am painfully aware of what my other option would be - to not see him grow - and so glad I can.

12. Time. Time with my husband, time with my kids....learning to waste no time.

13. that even messy things in life can still be sweet... sometimes the sweetest things are the messiest.

Hershey Kisses :o)

14. Our first encouraging allergist appointment EVER! It appears based on blood work that Sam is starting to outgrow his allergies! We will be starting to challenge him with food that has milk baked into it soon (please pray!)

15. 9 amazing, beautiful, totally undeserved years with our precious daughter Desirae.

16. The lost and found.... last week we went to Rachel's grave in the dark. I brought home a decoration someone had left and when I got home realized the bow was missing. Today when I went, I found it laying on the snow covered road...still with a piece of evergreen attached to it. I knew it was likely to still be there since it is a cemetery and there's not much traffic, but even still, when I picked it up and brought it with me, I was so excited to have found what I had lost. I didn't care that it was dirty and worn out from the weather.

I think that is a picture of how God must feel when one of His children comes back to him....even though He knows where we are, he rejoices when we are found. He wants us with him FULLY, not just attached to a limb by a thread. He doesn't mind that we are dirty and worn out....he just scoops us up and welcomes us back.

17. The sweet baby sounds of Asa...grunts, squeaks, his breath, and little coos... I can't get enough of him.

18. A daisy that didn't fade - the only one left standing...buying me a little more time to get new flowers for Rachel in the house and reminding me that she is still blooming

19.Memories

Matt and Des got me & Rachel this willow tree for Christmas. It's called "Forget-Me-Not". The heart-shaped rock next to it, Donna found while cleaning up the ground during Rachel's Playground build. And behind the two is the Christmas tree that I put at Rachel's grave last year. It is really little and cute but I decided to put a bigger one there this year that my friend Shannan got for us and keep hers from her first Christmas with us at home. On Christmas day, as I went to move the tree over to put this figurine there, a bunch of dirt from Rachel's then newly dug grave fell out all over the piano. I left some of that there.... This willow tree says it all...I might not have had a lot of time to make memories with her, but I made the most of every second and I will never, ever forget the sweet baby girl named Rachel Alice who changed my life and my heart forever. I cherish each and every memory with my girl, even the hard ones.

Right Where I Am

2012-01-04T00:18:00.002-05:00

Wow... I have so much to try to explain. The short version is simply that God never ceases to amaze me and provide for me. But since I'm not a woman of few words... here's a recap on the long version :o)

We were taking down the Christmas tree and I asked Des to hand me all of Rachel's ornaments. She handed me one that said "Hope" and one that said "Faith". Neither one was Rachel's....but I couldn't help but feel guilty that those two words used to say "Rachel" to me and still do to my 9 year old (today's her birthday!) but I didn't feel the same. I forced a smile as she put them down in front of me. Faith, Hope....there's a word missing, I thought to myself... Love....where is Love??

December has been a terribly hard month for me and the last couple of weeks have been very dark. Rachel's anniversary, a new baby and Christmas all wore me out emotionally. My daily grind, homeschooling, and Asa's needs without much sleep have taken their toll mentally and physically. My grief over Rachel, fear of losing Asa and the wonderful email/comments I received from 'nice' people have all done it's job on me spiritually and relationally. And basically, for the first time in years, I was thinking if I didn't get some medication, I was not going to make it out of my pit alive.

That is where I was at when I walked into my 6 week appt the other day. I felt totally helpless, hopeless, useless... like a total failure. They asked "how are you feeling?" and I started weeping. As I filled out the 'depression assesment' and it asked me to rate questions like "I feel like I've failed my family" and "I feel like my family would be better off without me", I sobbed. I know it's not true... but I couldn't shake the 'feeling' that it was. I tried to explain to the doctor my concerns about medication, which range from my prior bad experiences to getting stuck on them for life to taking them while nursing. He just nodded and ignored me.

I left there feeling even more hopeless than when I went in. Their only solution was pills and a counselor. I've had bad experiences with both.  What did I expect? Of course that would be what they had to offer... they are doctors. They believe in medicine.

I prayed about and obsessed over whether or not I would take the prescription. I decided I would wait until I could ask Asa's doctor her take on how that would affect him and his brain. My doctor said that a small amount in my milk is fine for him. I just do not buy into it... On Friday they told me that they used to let people take it while pregnant, 'but now they know' that it can cause heart problems in babies in utero, so they don't recommend that anymore.... and so I can't help but wonder, what will they know 10 years from now that they 'don't know now' about nursing on it? I'm all set with making my baby a guinea pig for their statistics. So, I decided that I would take the medicine and just switch him to formula. No sooner did I have the thought, my heart broke. I want to nurse him....but the medicine might make me feel better....isn't it selfish to keep nursing him if he will also be put on the meds when he's not the one depressed just because I want to nurse him? And what about if I got pregnant and didn't know it and my baby had a heart defect because of my decision? So, I just couldn't come to peace with any of my ideas.  I still felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I called the pediatrician on the way home. They were supposed to be open, but the answering machine came on saying they were closed. This is where God stepped in.....

Over the course of the last couple of days while I 'waited to talk to Asa's doctor', God has little by little shown me what I need to do. As of right now, it doesn't include medication. He reminded me that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, but HE's my rock. Which way am I facing? What's my focus?
I mentioned before that in the same day both my friends, Nat & Louise, recommended the same book to me....and I already explained all about the hearts and why that immediately got me to pull the book down off my shelf. The book is called "One Thousand Gifts - A dare to live fully right where you are". (I know a lot of my baby loss friends have already read it.) They both mentioned that they thought that the book might help me to focus on the 'Light' in my life. I made that a capital "L"....

So, I decided to read the book.

I started looking for the challenge on line and found the author's blog. Her words enveloped me. I couldn't stop reading. For the first time in weeks....months maybe.... I felt Hope. Maybe I could do this, I thought. Maybe I can feel better...maybe 'hopeless' doesn't have to be me.

I decided that I would accept the dare to live fully right where I am.
(I've never been known to back down from a dare) :o)

In my pain, in my heartache, in my loneliness, in all my disappointments... Isn't that what I JUST blogged about on New Year's Eve? That I don't want to miss my blessings while I'm living through my pain? It doesn't say 'a way to make the pain go away so you can be happy and live fully' - it says 'right where I am'.

Right where I am.

I have been debating for a while if I should continue blogging. I just feel like I have nothing to offer anymore and the last thing I want to do is discourage people with my heavy heart and lack of hope. As I read this woman's blog, I wondered if the hope that I was receiving through her words was similar to what my words about Rachel used to bring to people reading them....Spirit-filled.

I feel like at this point, my time and energy writing might be better spent working on my book. I haven't worked on it in months. I know that when it's complete it will have the ability of helping many people....baby loss mamas and many others as well. And since I don't feel like my blog is doing all that it used to, I think it's time to slow down on here in order to get going on my book. (Please pray for me to be consistent with writing so I can get it done!) I guess I've been waiting to 'feel better' so that "hope" comes across in my words in my book instead of despair and darkness.... but hope isn't something that can only exist when things are 'better'. As a matter of fact, Hope shines more brightly in hard places.... Hope shines right where I am. I hate that I've been missing it.

But I'm already seeing it more clearly.

I plan to blog on Fridays - and if there is another day that I feel led to share something specific... but my focus in my posts for a while is going to be my 1000 gifts. I am not sure if I'll just blog the ones from Rachel or general ones....but I know I need to start remembering all the good things that came from her life and my hard journey with her. It hasn't always felt this ugly and I don't want this to be how I remember her. (or how anyone else remembers her) It can't be. In the most heart-wrenching pain, she is still beautiful; breathtaking.

I'm leery of this idea because I don't want to come across like everything is perfect... or worse, like I'm trying to portray something that isn't accurate. There is nothing worse than a faker. Please know that I'm not doing this to make my naysayers happy or because I want to hide my pain, but rather to try to train my mind to recognize the blessings in this trial. If I wait until all my disappointments are gone to try to refocus on the gifts in my life, it's never going to happen. My daughter is dead and she's never coming back. Nothing will EVER take the sting of that away. Disappointment is officially part of who I am until the day God calls me home. So I'm starting....from right where I am....taking one thought at a time captive into obedience under Christ. And praying that as I do, my heart will slowly follow. If not to 'happiness' at least to joy in my sorrow.

So, that's the writing part... now here's another part....

I always feel better when I exercise regularly and I want to be able to run in Rachel's race this summer. But I'm so out of shape and weak. I've never been this muscle-less in my whole life - even my bones feel weak. I looked up the 'couch to 5K' plan on line and saw that the first day is just 20 minutes... walk 90 seconds, jog 60 seconds, repeat....

I wanted to go to the gym yesterday, but time got away from me. I was about to give up on starting that day....and then I looked outside - yeah, it's cold, but the sun was shining. I put on my running shoes and a head warmer and walked out my front door. I don't need the perfect setting to run....I don't have to be in shape to do this.... I can start small. I just need to do it. Just go....a minute at a time...from right where I am.

As I finished up day 1 of the plan, I thought maybe this is the next thing that I can 'do' for Rachel... maybe I can work on running in her race. (You know how I like to 'do' - please don't criticize me for this, I was like this long before Rachel. It's who I am. I'm a do-er) I felt so guilty as I had the thought; everything I've done for her so far has been at my expense. Maybe I should do something for her that benefits me... And maybe with each step I take....every mile I run...and with every goal met....I can look back and know that she was my inspiration. Even in my pain. She was the one who gave me a reason, while God gave me the strength.... Just like when I was pregnant with her.

Last night, I read more of Ann's blog. Apparently she names her years to give them a focus for growth. This year she has titled "The year of No Fear."   I read through the post... her writing is unreal.  Every word had me nodding my head in agreement. Her feelings so familiar. As if the timing of me finding her blog and starting her book again wasn't already perfect as far as MY life goes....I was brought to tears when I saw what she had named 2010... "The Year of YES" Let me explain....

After I had Rachel, I got an email from my now good friend Terri that had the subject line "Thank you for your YES!" I had asked her if I could blog it, but never did....I had so much to write about back then... In the email she wrote about all the things that have come to be because I said "yes" to God and "yes" to Rachel. She ended it with these words:

"Your Yes, Stacy, has had a profound effect on so many people including me. You had the right to choose this yes and you took it upon yourself. God knew you would. We all have a free will and God knew your will would be his. It’s always all about him and we all see that because of your YES!

From the very depth of my heart, thank you for your yes. Thank you for sharing your journey, yet another yes that God knew."

The fact that this was her 2010 name is what caught my attention, but the part that got me was that the post is all about a conversation she has with her daughter one snowy December morning....one in which she says "yes" to her daughter and to God - but she never explains what the question was....only that she said yes when it was likely that she would have said no.

2010 was my year of YES too....and I'm so thankful it was.

I just know that God wants me to be hearing this message right now about the gifts He has given me. I know this is where he has me....and I trust that He has something amazing planned for me in it. I pray that this journey will bless your hearts as well as I share some of it....

Today I'm saying Yes to the dare.... the dare to live fully right where I am. To start this year without fear. I don't need to fear my anxiety, my grief, my pain, or leaving Rachel behind.
I'm going to be okay. One moment at a time. I won't be afraid. I'm going to do this; for me, for Rachel, for the rest of my family.... between my Rock and my hard place. And just like when I carried my precious daughter in my womb, I'm trusting that God will guide me... beyond the finite 'wisdom' of doctors and to His infinite Wisdom and Truth.

There, I will find His Love again. And by this time next year, I intend to have not only the 'Faith' and 'Hope' ornaments as part of Rachel's collection.... but I'll be adding 'Love' as well.

He Loves me right where I am.

Always.

She's Still With Us

2012-01-02T00:31:00.000-05:00

When we first got Rachel's diagnosis, I made up magnets with prayer requests on them to give out. One of my very specific requests was "That Rachel will live long enough to come home with us and that she will be here for Desirae's birthday."

So the other day when I heard Des talking to Asa and I heard her say "I'm so glad you're going to be here for my birthday" I fell into tears. I know she's not remembering that being a desire of my heart with Rachel, but that is exactly where my mind went. Her birthday is just 2 days away now.

The next day, I went to my friend's daughter's 1st birthday party. We were sitting around talking (and I was nursing Asa) after everyone had left and she looked down at the coffee table and asked "How did Rachel's magnet get out here?" And there it was, right in front of me on the table. We all looked around, confused since we had not seen any of the kids with it. Her mom smiled and said "Rachel wanted to be out here with us". I looked at the magnet again.... a year and a half later, it's still in other peoples' homes.... "Pray for Baby Rachel Alice" it says... "Pray for her miraculous healing".... I smiled, happy to know that Rachel's "presence" wasn't a subject that they avoided. I LOVE hearing her name and knowing that although she is gone, she is still with us....

For Rachel's birthday, Matt gave me a heart-shaped sun catcher and a willow tree figurine holding her heart, called 'Remembrance'. They went together because of the heart theme. If you've been reading long, you know that hearts are one of my 'Rachel signs', along with daisies.  He said the heart was for my van to hang on the mirror. I put it there and the first day, it almost blinded me when the sun hit it. I tried to take it down, but couldn't while driving so I waited. A few minutes later, Isaiah yelled "Rainbows!" and as I looked around, I saw that there were dozens of mini rainbows all over my van. I just smiled.... she is in the van with us everywhere we go now.... Then this morning, we were running so late for church that I wanted to just stay home. Matt helped me get out of the house very patiently. We got to the end of the street....10:27 the clock read...the time she was born... and all over Matt's face as the sun peaked around the building? Little rainbows!

Over the past week or so, things have been really low and dark for me.  A couple different friends have recommended the same book to me... One that I started reading last April on the plane on the way to Florida. I actually have a whole post that started out with a picture of the inside cover because that was the moment that hearts started appearing everywhere. One of my readers Lelia had sent it to me and put heart stickers around Rachel's name inside.

Well, tonight, I came to the conclusion that I am going to read this book... and there is more than that to it, but I have a few new things in the works that I'll get into a different time cause I really should be sleeping right now!! But as the last piece of the puzzle came together for what I need to do next, I looked at the top of my screen and - although I have NEVER before noticed it and actually can't even see it now... it said it was 43 degrees out.

Who am I to argue with hearts, rainbows and 43's?   I know I'm not making any sense.... I haven't lost my mind yet. don't worry.  I'm just so thankful to be feeling like my prayer for direction is being answered - and to feel excited about something again.

Oh, and thank you to everyone who voted for Asa's picture in the photo contest! We didn't win, but came in 3rd so Erin is giving us an 8x10 anyway! So excited! And of course, the photo we won is the one that he's wearing his owl hat in....the hat that has the little pink bow on the inside to represent Rachel... and serve as a reminder that she is still with us.

Prayer for a Friend

2012-01-01T23:27:00.000-05:00

My friend Cyndie has asked us for prayer for her Grampy, Bob. He is very elderly and is in the hospital with what they think is pneumonia. He is suffering terribly and the antibiotics are not improving things. Can you please pray for him that the doctors will be able to find the right course of treatment for him and that if the doctors cannot find the right treatment that his suffering not be prolonged? Thanks ♥

Stuck in the Middle

2011-12-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

I've been at a loss for words lately. I keep thinking I should write, but have no idea what to write. Never a good sign for a writer like me....

It's been a hard week. Had my 6 wk check yesterday and it was a total sob session. Through this whole journey all I wanted to do was prove to people that carrying Rachel to term wasn't a mistake... that having another baby soon after her death wasn't a mistake... and that my God planned it and is capable to carry me through all of this, good and bad....

And I feel like I am failing miserably at all three. The doctors (among others) probably think I've made my own struggles with these choices. I know they think I can't make it through on God alone. And I'm not even convinced they are wrong anymore.... well, that's not true... I KNOW they are wrong, I just don't always FEEL like they are. And so I'm struggling to not feel like I've been overcome....by my sorrow, by my circumstances, by the ways of the world.

It's about to be 2012 and my sweet girl was born in 2010.... the distance in time is making her feel further and further away. I want to just stop the world and get off.

But then there is my other beautiful children....waiting patiently to get their mama back... I look at them and know that I'm missing it. I'm missing their lives. I know I will look back with regrets over how emotionally and physically unavailable I have been for them... and I can tell myself that kids are resilient and they will be ok. But kids NEED their mamas. They need their mamas around physically, but they need them emotionally too. A while back, my kids were learning a lot about leaning on God through hard trials by watching me and so while it was tough, I know it wasn't bad for them. But lately, they aren't seeing me with a whole lot of hope. And that is not what I want for them. Knowing this is one thing, but I have no idea how to do anything about it. I've tried to make myself feel, think, act, be different. I've tried to be pro-active in my healing. I've tried waiting on God and just holding on by a thread... but time is not my friend here. The minutes in my grief feel like decades, while the rest of my life flies by me. And I'm stuck in the middle of this all, paralyzed with heartache.

How can 2011 have already come and gone since I held my baby girl? While every single second since the minute she died has cut like a knife in my heart, my other kids have grown inches, met new milestones and laughed and played....and while those things bring a smile to my face - and I've had times of laughter and fun...even moments where I feel like myself again - the sting of what's been lost along with Rachel is never far behind.

Oh Dear Lord, I was not prepared for how this would hurt. Please restore my soul and bring me back to a place of Hope and Comfort. Help me to not miss out on the blessings I've been allowed to keep. In the midst of my pain, God bring me joy.

John 16:20 & 22

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy....So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy

John 16:33

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world

Photo Contest

2011-12-29T09:58:00.000-05:00

I'm totally cheating here, but Erin Moore from Mercy Street Sudios (she did Asa's newborn photos) is doing a photo contest and the photo with the most votes wins a free photo shoot and a metallic print. And I need to get the other kids' pictures taken....

See where I'm going with this? I would never ask you to vote my way for elections or anything, but could you go to this link and click on Asa wearing his owl hat and "like" it? The photo with the most "likes" wins!

Thanks!

Alone in Missing Her

2011-12-28T21:58:00.000-05:00

The week leading up to Christmas went fairly well. I felt the joy of the Christmas season and was, for the first time in I don't know how long, actually looking forward to seeing people. I even took the first step at getting a couple of the relationships that have been hurting since last year back to good, as the Holy Spirit was leading me to.

On Christmas eve, My mom, sister & her kids came over to open gifts together.... we were in the living room and I mentioned that the one thing I wanted to buy still that I didn't was a sled ornament for Asa. I told them how my friend Ruth had bought one for each of the kids last year, including Rachel and I wanted Asa to have a matching one. (I have one from 1981 that my Nana bought me too). After they left, I sat down to eat lunch and saw a package on the table that Matt had just brought in while I was visiting with my mom & meg... I saw Ruth's name on it and I knew.... She remembered. Thanks, Ruth ♥ She sent Asa's sled and a beautiful card remembering Rachel.

Christmas eve service went okay - I hardly shed a tear (thanks to my anxiety medicine...) I was really feeling like Christmas was going to be easy this year. That night, Asa threw up on his blanket as we were getting ready for bed. I put it in the washer around midnight. He was laying in his little hammock sleeper next to the couch. I walked in to the living room and sat down next to him. As I sat there staring at him, it hit me like a ton of bricks.... She was my Christmas baby.... It's Christmas and she's not here. I picked up my boy and laid him on my chest. I covered him with her blanket and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up Christmas morning so thankful to hear my boys playing in the kitchen. Des was still asleep and I laid there to nurse Asa, who was still wrapped in Rachel's blanket. The morning went pretty well. I managed to make my quiche (a tradition that I wasn't able to get myself to do last year) and we opened presents and had a good morning. I only got 2 letters (random acts of kindness) for her stocking and so I read them to everyone.... but keeping anyone's attention for things like that is hard and it just left me feeling alone in missing her. So I guess it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't get more.

I had come up with the idea of driving up north 2 1/2 hours to see Matt's family Christmas day. (a result of the week before going well cause that day, it was the last thing I wanted to do.) Before we went, I took a ride to the cemetery by myself. It would have been too much to drag the kids 20 minutes in the opposite direction and then for the long car ride, so again, I was alone in missing her. I tried to tell myself it would be okay to go another day.... that I should just focus on our plans with my living family....but I just couldn't leave this area without stopping there first. I needed to go. I cried on the phone to my mother the whole way there over the fact that Rachel's gone and how hard this journey has been on my marriage. I hung up as I pulled up to her grave. I flopped on the cold hard ground in front of our stone.... the grave next to ours newly dug and occupied... I looked at the fresh dirt next to me and the dying flowers from the top of his casket... I looked at Rachel's name.... Is this seriously my life? Did this really happen? I could have cried the day away sitting right there, but there was traveling to do and in-laws to visit.... I cried harder and longer than I have in quite a while, but my times of grieving are always cut short by my obligations. I went home and got ready. We left the house 2 hours late. Drove forever, visited for a couple hours and made the drive home. Got home at 9pm, just in time for everyone else to go to bed. I sat on my couch with Asa and thought about what it would have been like to have a one year old little girl running around here that day....

It's not that nobody remembered her.... Someone left us a couple of pretty candles with Rachel's initials on them at her grave, I got the sled for Asa, a couple of cards and two RAOK's, My mom and Matt's mom both made me something special that took time and thought for Rachel. I see that there are people who remembered her and was so blessed by that....but why doesn't it take away the hurt? I want to feel better....I want to feel normal - to have a clue what to expect from my emotions. I'm so tired of this journey and it's only been harder since Asa was born. I wouldn't change having him so soon at all, but I wasn't prepared for what the mix of baby blues and grief would do to me.

I wish I could write something about all the places I see God in this. For the first 6 months after she died, I used to have a million stories like that... I wish I could tell you how raw my emotions are and then follow it up with a truth about God that will fill my emptiness.... that used to come automatically. I wish I wasn't finding myself angry so often... I wish this pain would go away. I wish I was still honestly praising God for all of this. But the truth is that I wish this wasn't my life - and I wish I wasn't so alone in missing her. And honestly, I'm more disappointed with His plan now than ever before. I want her back - and I'm struggling to understand what I even believe anymore.

I realized that while I thought I was making it easier on me with this stupid blog, I haven't. What I did was throw myself into helping everyone else right from Rachel's diagnosis....answering hundreds of emails every week about other people's struggles and losses and their questions about faith. I stayed up almost all night for months after she died answering emails... I felt like that was what I was being called to - and still do really, I don't regret it. I'm honored that so many people opened up their hearts to share with me... But at the time when it would have been totally 'normal and acceptable' to not want to be around anyone and to not talk to anyone and to cry all the time, I was going to other baby's funerals and answering emails and phone calls to support everyone I could. I was building a playground that I never step foot on cause it's too painful to look at now and organizing a walk to raise money in Rachel's memory for other people's benefit and shopping for other babies on Rachel's birthday instead of her.

The result? Now, when I 'should' be feeling better... when I 'should' be crying less... when I 'should' be wanting to be around people again, most of the requests for support from others has dissipated (when I would love to be able to focus on others too) and it feels like I'm stuck at square one in my grief - I didn't take the time I needed for me and it's showing.... except now everyone else is over it and moving on.... and I'm alone in missing her. But as Ms. J so eloquently put it, I can't expect endless support from others, now can I? I guess I couldn't expect her to know how much support I was GIVING too, but most people who have had a lot to say to me, do so without much real knowledge of what is actually going on in my life. People tend to think my blog is like a reality show for my life and trust me, it only scratches the surface of both the joy and the pain.

I'm trying to remember that I was walking in the way I felt led at the time and that God was in those decisions... and I'm trying to remember that I did just have a baby and am not sleeping much so things can feel bigger than they are at times like this.... I know how hormones affect me after every baby (never mind with grief mixed in) and I try to not underestimate them. I'm trying to be patient and trust God for my healing.... but I've got to be honest, I'm starting to really feel like something is wrong with me. I can't handle feeling like this much longer. And while it's all good to say "you have every right to grieve however you need to" (which I SO appreciate from all of you) I'm still sick of feeling like this and wondering if I'm EVER going to get any better??

I wrote all this and decided I wasn't going to post it....I told my sister that I feel like at this point people are expecting something from me that I can't give...they want me to be better. I feel like I'm a mess and because I'm a mess openly, people tend to like to analyze what they think I could be doing differently to feel better. You know, how they would do it.... Admit it, you've probably thought it too.... and quite honestly, I'm tired of feeling like I am a failure. My sister's response to my concern was this:

"You didn't start writing your blog for the people who judge you. You started it for the people who need to know they aren't alone if they feel like you do - even if that's just one person. Helping people is what Rachel's life was all about. _(beep)_ the people who judge you"

So I'm reluctantly posting this.... if you're that one person tonight that no longer feels alone in your grief, could you send me your email address or something cause so far, I've yet to find a friend who really gets me and can help me not feel alone. And I am so tired of being alone in my grief and in missing my girl. I don't want to hear another "don't worry, it will get better and some day you'll be good like I am" I need to hear "I'm there too and you're not alone" I can write out all my feelings on this keyboard, but at the end of the day if all it does is bring out the critics, what good is it? If all I get is sympathetic notes and cyber-hugs and "you'll see her again someday" what's the purpose? I want to see her NOW. And I can't. Heaven is too far away to make me feel any less of a loss now.

I want to be that girl that I was back in the beginning....so full of hope and with complete trust in God's plan. But right now I'm not. I'm sorry. I have no doubt that God will eventually lead me out of this pit, but right now I'm in the thick of it. The timing sucks, it doesn't seem to line up with what people think 'should' happen (and I'm not just talking about the ones who say so... I'm talking about the people who say nothing and silently judge as well) and believe me, I'm not sitting in this because I like the smell of poop. I want out more than you want me out. I want to just think of her and smile more than anyone on the planet could possibly begin to understand. She is my daughter. I HATE the fact that when I think of her I want to scream because I'm totally pissed that she's dead.

Can somebody, anybody, please tell me I'm not the only one?

prayer request for Asa

2011-12-28T00:19:00.000-05:00

The Aube's have all been hit with these bad chest colds the last couple of weeks. Asa's been fighting it too and so on Christmas I didn't let anyone hold him. I really don't let anyone hold him usually anyway, but was more adamant about it and I'm so thankful I was because last night he started having trouble breathing.

Today I brought him to the doctors and he's now on a steroid nebulizer twice a day and albuterol nebulizer 3-4 times a day. Too bad I can't give him breathing treatments while nursing cause I don't know how much I can do if I'm always sitting on the couch nursing or medicating my baby boy.

I'm not overly worried about him (thank God) because Sam is on both of those medicines daily for his asthma so I'm comfortable with this stuff, but I'm hoping he'll be breathing easier in a day, because if not he'll probably needs an antibiotic. Please pray that he'll get better fast. It's nerve wracking to watch him struggle to breathe and I am nervous that if it doesn't clear up quickly, it could turn into something worse. He's too little for this :o(

2nd Christmas without my girl

2011-12-25T12:38:00.000-05:00

I've heard that 'they' say the 2nd year of grieving is harder than the first....I didn't think that was possible.

I was wrong.

Really wrong.

Asa's Heart

2011-12-22T23:26:00.000-05:00

Asa had his cardiologist appointment today. They did an EKG and then a really long ultrasound of his heart that took over 45 minutes. He was so good, he laid there staring into my eyes the whole time nice and still. The appointment was well over 2 hours all together, but uninterrupted time with my boy is hard to come by around here so it was nice to hang out, just me & him. I can't get enough of him.

His murmur looks harmless, but they did see that he has "PFO" which is short for a really long name that basically means his flap between the right and left side of his heart that should have closed after birth, didn't. The doctor said that is most likely why he turns so blue when he cries. (blood goes through the opening, which it's not supposed to do because it should be closed, but pressure from crying hard could cause that) He also recommended I not google it because there was a school of thought a while back that PFO's caused strokes, which he said is not correct - UNLESS he goes scuba diving. No joke... if he ever wants to scuba dive, he needs to get another EKG first. Strange, but I think that buys us some time.

Strokes run in Matt's side of the family so this isn't the best news I've ever gotten, but it's not the worst either... and although I really didn't think they would find anything, there were moments during that visit as I waited - and I watched her scan his little heart - that I thought; what if today is the day that I get HIS diagnosis?? What if I'm sitting here thinking it's all fine and not taking it seriously enough when he is actually really sick and I just don't know it yet.... like the day I had Rachel's ultrasound....What if the doctor reads this and tells me he has heart problems? What if this is the first of many appointments here and he dies from a bad heart? How could I handle that?? Please God, let me keep him....

A nurse held him for me while I went to the bathroom. I asked her if she minded and she said "are you kidding, this is my Christmas present!" To which I replied: "He's my Christmas present, too" - if only she knew.

I would have been happier with no findings at all, but I'm glad that today was not a life altering doctor appointment for me, my boy and our family....unless he grows to have an intense desire to scuba dive.

I'm not going to google it....yet. Tonight I'm just taking it all in....and I do have confidence that a doctor from Boston Children's Hospital isn't going to misguide me on this. But someday I may dare to see what Dr. Google says about it. (if you feel the need to look it up, please don't tell me about it - good or bad) For now, I'm counting my blessings....

She'll Be Home For Christmas

2011-12-21T18:14:00.000-05:00

I bought this picture frame set on sale on Black Friday when I went to Kmart. It was marked down to $6 and really nice, so although I had no idea who I would give it to, I decided it made a good gift and picked it up for "someone". Soon after I bought it, I redecorated my living room and started thinking it would look good on my wall. so here is the problem...

It only has 4 frames... I have lamented over this for days. Every time I sit down to nurse, I've looked at it and thought; I can't put everyone but Rachel in it... Or maybe I should do family pics - but I will never again have a family pic that has my whole family in it, or I could use pics of me & Matt... This isn't our "home" anyway, our real home is in heaven, which is where Rachel is. Ugh... Maybe I should just give it away...

The other day we went to Kohl's. These metal picture frames with flower accents caught my eye and I stopped to look. (can you tell I have a picture/ frame addiction?) It was a set of frames that all matched and the first one I saw was a sign with the "life is not measured" saying.... my heart sunk...(icky feeling from the recent comment). I looked down at the next shelf and saw one that had a spot for two photos (you can't see them in this pic, but there is one on each side) and metal flowers (daisies?) in the middle and it said : Life brings us to unexpected places. Love brings us home"

I turned around a tried to tell Matt what I was thinking and started bawling. I could not stop... I walked away at an attempt at changing my thoughts. I continued through the crowded store crying, covered in tears. Desirae reached out and held my hand. I knew that this frame had a different meaning for me. I knew all of my staring at the "HOME" frame, contemplating heaven and earth and how I'm supposed to love so deeply in both places, was God preparing me for yet another reminder of how real He is.

Her life brought us to unexpected places... and God's love brought her HOME.

I turned around and went back to get the frame.

I never expected I would ever lose a child of mine. That hospital room with empty arms was the last place I ever expected to be. But, because of Jesus and the Father's love for her, she's home.

I bet she's going to have an amazing Christmas.

Miss you sweet girl.

5 Weeks With Asa

2011-12-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

My little man was born 5 weeks ago today. I can hardly believe that much time has gone by. He's growing way too fast for my liking and I have LOVED every second of being this sweet baby's Mama. I can feel the healing part of having a baby to hold that everyone told me would happen... and yet when I hold him, my heart aches all the more for Rachel.

Today I had him laying on my lap... he smiles at me and his eyes sparkle when he looks into mine. He loves me almost as much as I love him :o) But as he went in and out of sleep, his little hands kept going up into the air and back down. I noticed that I was playing with his tiny fingers, which he had straight out. He's so soft, so little, so perfect. I put his hand on my wrist next to Rachel's hand print and tried to remember what it was like to hold her soft, little, perfect hands....

On the changing table tonight, I played with Asa's little feet. He kicked them around and I kissed them and touched them to my face. I thanked God for him, his tiny toes and asked Him to be with him wherever his little feet take him. But as I stood there with his feet on my cheeks (I know it sounds weird) I wished I would have played with Rachel's feet more... I hate the fact that I don't remember her feet that well. I can picture them (and yes, her hands and feet both looked just like Asa's) but I don't remember how it felt to touch them.

Last night as we snuggled on the couch, I kissed his warm cheeks and cozy neck. He was all scrunched up on me, legs curled up as if he was pretending he was still in my womb. When I put his head on my chest, the beating of my heart puts him right to sleep and I listen to him breathe and watch him squirm around and grunt. I could live in these moments forever....and yet as I feel the immeasurable joy and gratitude that comes from being able to love my Asa, I can't help but remember the cold cheeks, straight legs, the stillness of her body and the silent night that I had with my Rachel.

I know I've blogged before about the shirt I had bought for her before we knew she had anencephaly... it said "All Mama wants for Christmas is a silent night" and how I had to throw it away, I couldn't even donate it, because once I knew she wouldn't be with us on Christmas, the thought of a silent night killed me. Well, the other day while I was out, I saw a bib that said "There is no such thing as a silent night with me around" and I thought to myself "Thank You Jesus for my nights with Asa" and my next thought was "I wish I could've heard her cry."

And as I write this post, I'm typing one-handed because Asa is on my lap nursing....I do everything with this baby and love it. I don't take one second with him for granted and appreciate every demand he puts on me, every inconvenience he causes, every hour of sleep I lose to be able to care for his needs.

I love being his Mama - and I love being Rachel's Mama. And I know that my role as Rachel's Mama is different, but still important... but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish it could be the same. I would give anything to be able to be so inconvenienced by her demands on me. But until the day I see her again, I will continue to love her the only way I humanly know how - and hold her little brother a little bit tighter and love him a little bit deeper than I ever have held and loved before.

We finally got her grave all set up - Matt went with me to help me and the kids ran around & played. It was freezing out, but we got it done - and hopefully it will hold up in the weather. I wanted to show you a pic when her lights came on, but we weren't there that late. I'll get one of those later...

And as we went to leave, I found this on the ground next to the van (it's fake, and yes, my hands were that red from the cold!) I put it on her stone under the "live" stone we have there.

And in the same week that we set up a Christmas tree for our daughter's grave, we sent out the announcement for our son's birth....

Made by Lisa Borders - she used the tree and bird from his room decor! Love it!

And here's a more recent pic since those are from when he was just 5 days old! I mean, seriously, do they come much cuter? I love this kid!

All my kids, except Rachel have worn these jammies... they have orange lines and we got them at my baby shower for Desirae. I wish I would have remembered to bring them to the hospital to put on Rachel too. :o( Asa has almost grown out of them now. And since everyone asks, all my babies have had MORE hair than Asa, even Rachel :o)

And so daily my heart continues to try to walk this tightrope of beauty and pain.... love and hurt....hello and goodbye.... a baby in a grave and one in a cradle.... and it still is more complicated emotionally than my words can describe, but I'm starting to think that maybe that's ok. Some people will never be able to understand no matter how well I explain....and honestly, that's a good thing. Because my heart breaks again and again for the people who read this post and know what I mean.

Thank You Lord for 5 weeks of sleepless nights, constant nursing, poopy diapers, difficulty leaving the house, and even all the reminders that make my heart ache for my girl....thank You for letting me keep him. Please God give me many more...

Humbled by His Faithfulness

2011-12-19T23:19:00.001-05:00

On Friday,I had spent a bunch of time stringing up lights on my fence...are you ready for this... KNOWING they weren't working. I had convinced myself that I just needed to go look at the fuse box cause ALL the lights couldn't possibly be broken. Well, after they were all up, I figured out that the lights were, in fact, all broken. (or at least that one of them was ruining it for the rest!)

I feel like this is the story of my life lately... I try to get something done, feel like it's going really well, and then get stopped in my tracks. It happened with Rachel's grave, the lights on my fence, my plan for Christmas cards... the list goes on and on....

So anyway, I was out looking for lights and I found a little Christmas tree and a small strand of lights for just $2.75. I know, NOT what I was supposed to be looking for, but Desirae had just told me that she wanted one for her room and this was perfect for her. But the store had a $5 minimum on credit cards and so I kept looking for something else to buy so I could get the tree for her. I was looking for a solution for Rachel's grave. But what I came across was this sign:

I looked at it...and realized that I have been doubting this. I immediately started thinking about Ms. J. (and other people who have been against me recently... the woman the other day and certain family members) It'll be easier to write out my train of thought than to try to narrate, so here it is...

Why don't I leave things up to God? Do I not believe He can handle it? Why couldn't I just take the 'high road' and keep my mouth (fingers) shut (off the keyboard)? Why can't I just let Him be my defender?.... when am I going to learn? It's like I can't get out of my own way.

I put it in the cart and headed for the check out. My mind kept going...

I should have just ignored it... I know the truth.... I mean, why can't she (they) see into my aching heart? Why do I hide behind anger instead of behind God? Does it ever really do me any good? It feels safer to defend myself and be angry, but would it hurt any less if I waited on Him... well, He might not have done anything.... and what good has my 'solution' brought? She (they) probably just feels all the more justified in her harsh opinion of me. How can I be so misunderstood, even in my darkest valley? Why do I let people's words cut so deep and bring me further down?

I looked at the sign again as I placed it on the counter.... God is faithful.... I knew right where it would go in my house - it's going to replace the "Life is not measured" saying that I have next to Rachel's picture since "Ms. J" officially added a negative slant to it in my heart, using it to criticize me - and I wasn't even convinced it brought me much comfort before that anyway. I thought about how much I desperately need the reminder of my faithful God right now. Just past Rachel's 1st birthday and about to celebrate Christmas without her and our first Christmas with Asa....being pulled in a million directions physically and emotionally - and this added stress on top of it all.

As she rung me up, I looked over at a box on the counter. It was filled with rocks that all had a word on them. I looked through it while she messed with the card machine, which didn't want to take my card! I looked at them just out of curiosity as I waited.... Health...Peace...Joy... Forgive... I looked away, but couldn't shake it...

I felt it in my heart....forgive.... He is Faithful and Just and He can handle it. I need to let him. I need to forgive and let this all go. Not for them - I'm not sure they really care since they obviously think I was the one that was wrong - but for me, for my kids, for Rachel... I need to because God forgave me.

She finally got my card to work... "oh wait, can I add one more thing?" I placed the rock on the counter and felt my heart take a big step towards God....Towards believing.... He is faithful. And because He is faithful, I can forgive and know that He has it all under control. He won't let my enemies triumph over me.

{I also feel like I should apologize for dragging you all through that junk with me... especially at Christmas. I know many of you will tell me you don't mind walking through that stuff with me, but I really don't want you to feel 'icky' too as we celebrate the birth of our Savior. I'm sorry :o( Thank you for loving me just as I am though. And sorry "Ms J" for lashing back in anger and with sarcasm...to avoid any more hurt, I won't open any more emails from you}

Yesterday morning at church, we sang a song called "Here in Your Presence" and the chorus goes like this:

Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Here were my thoughts as we worshipped, in His presence...

"We are undone" - I'm completely surrendered to Your will, Lord.
"Heaven & Earth become one" - He is with me... Rachel is with me...
"All things are new"- we buried Rachel with the verse "I make all things new" (As we sang it, Matt looked at me & smiled. I love it when he remembers her with me)
"Everything bows before You" - He is Sovereign. And I need to let Him reign in me. I'm humbled by You, Lord.

I need to be in His Presence, surrendered to His will, humbly bowed before Him.

So tonight, Before I went to write this post, I looked up Matthew 28:20, the verse on the sign. I expected it to be something about how God protects or provides or fulfills his promises - it says:

teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always,

to the very end of the age.

He is ever reminding me that He is in every single detail - and once again bringing me back to the very lesson I learned through my sweet Rachel... there is blessing in humble obedience. How is he faithful to me? He is always with me, patiently teaching me how to obey and leading me... He is with Rachel... He makes all things new.

And as He revealed this to my heart, I could see that while I was busy trying to find something in that store to make Rachel's grave look prettier....He was busy trying to show me that He already had a 'solution for her grave'.... Him. He made her new. I can trust Him.

OK, and here's one for you... I just looked up the verse we buried Rachel with so I could post it. Desirae had only written "I make all things new" on Rachel's drawing - I didn't remember the rest, but check out the end of this verse....

I mean, seriously, you think He's trying to get a point across?

Revelation 21:5
And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

My December Babies

2011-12-18T19:07:00.000-05:00

Today is the day I was due with our 3rd baby who we lost to miscarriage. I miscarried at 8 weeks along in May, just a few days before Mother's Day. It was horrible pain. And even though I'm no longer in a place where I cry over that baby, last night I felt the disappointment of that loss heavy on my heart. Even 4 years later.

I had mentioned to Matt that tomorrow was my due date with that baby... He stopped to listen. I looked up at the picture of Rachel hanging on the wall above me...

"I guess December just wasn't my month" I said as I started crying.

I think this is what my doctor was talking about a while back when he asked me if I had forgiven myself for having a baby with Anencephaly.

The truth is that I feel like I failed both of my sweet December babies. And I just want them back.

Rachel's Random Acts of Kindness

2011-12-17T15:11:00.000-05:00

For Rachel's birthday, my friend Lisa made up these cards to hand out to people that she blessed with a Random Act of Kindness (RAOK) in Rachel's memory.

Then a couple of days ago, my friend Nat (Sweet Sebastian's Mama - see link on side) from Australia sent me an email asking us to do a RAOK in Seb's memory for Christmas. She asked everyone to email or mail her what they did and/or a letter to her family or to Seb and they are going to put them all in his stocking and then read them together on Christmas morning. Here's his, if you can find a moment to bless someone in his memory too.
(Nat, I'm hoping this is ok to put here since you had it on facebook... if you want me to take it off, just yell at me)

I love this idea but didn't think I had time before Christmas to do it. However, then it dawned on me, that even one RAOK in Rachel's memory would be better than none - and so I'm asking you (feel free to ignore this Ms.J or her supporters - cause here comes another 'request') to join me in this.

Print up the card above and keep it on you. Then, sometime over this next week, take a moment to help someone else.... lift something heavy for an elderly woman, let a busy mom with young kids go in front of you in the check out, pay for the person behind you to go through the toll....and when you do, hand them the card with Rachel (or Sebastian's) name on it - and if you're comfortable and time permits, tell them about her and our God who created her. Then comment here, or email my home address if you have it (NOT my blog email address cause I'm not checking that one right now) or, dare I say it...send a card or a note...with what you did for someone else with her in your heart and we'll print them, put them in her stocking and read how she continues to touch people this Christmas season.

I Am Missing Someone

2011-12-17T00:15:00.000-05:00

I've officially started my second year of Friday's at Rachel's grave. I can't believe it's been this long. I pulled up today with a few more decorations for Christmas and ornaments for her tree - and everything I put there on Sunday looked bad. The lights had started to fall onto the front of her stone and her tree was tipping over. The wind was blowing so hard today that everything I tried to set up, failed. I'll have to go back tomorrow better prepared with rocks and floral wire in hand. I hate that I'm learning the tricks of this trade...

I thought having her stone in this year was going to take the sting out of trying to make her spot look pretty in the winter. No such luck. It still stings. Was I ignorant enough to think that a stone was going to make this hurt less? Yes, yes I was. Some times ignorance is bliss.

As I was driving over there this morning, I was talking to my friend Louise on the phone when I had one of those "do I have everyone with me?" scares. I looked in the rear view mirror and counted...

1 - 2 - 3... and Desirae is at Art....

Not convinced.

I counted again...Des, Sam, Zay & the baby.... that's everyone I reassured myself.

"Why do I feel like someone is missing?" I asked Louise.
"Every time I count them, I always feel like I'm missing someone..."

My mind drifted to thoughts of this happening multiple times in the past 2 weeks as I have ventured out more and more with all 4 of them. I've even had to ask Desirae "do we have everyone" because I count and feel like I'm miscounting. Four kids should feel like a lot, why does it feel like I'm skipping a number?

I snapped back to the conversation...

"Cause I am" I blurted out.

I am missing someone. And I always will be.

I'm Not Judging You...Really.

2011-12-16T01:11:00.000-05:00

Last night I tried to get caught up on my blog emails.... I apologize if you've sent me one and I haven't responded yet, I will , I promise - at this point it won't be till after Christmas. Things are very busy around here and I need to guard my heart and mind.

So, I went back & forth over whether or not to share this because - I'm going to be honest - I think this lady, we'll call her "Ms. J", is actually going to get a kick out of the fact that I'm talking about it. I could be wrong...{shrug}

So she sent this to me on Rachel's birthday... no doubt she was well aware of her timing. (sorry, am I not supposed to judge motives...oops) The subject line is "Thinking of you...." and the first paragraph is all about how she can't begin to understand the kind of pain I feel after losing Rachel. (she's right on that) Then she goes into this....

"I've noticed over the past several months that your increasingly negative blog posts tend to highlight the wrong or "faults" of others because they might not respond with just the right words. At other times I've noticed general negativity surrounding your lack of blog readers/followers or implying the lack of financial/physical support expected for your family. I must admit what many others may have not said to you before now....your blog entries imply that you don't appear grateful for the abundance of support you have been given. I use the word "imply" and "appear" because I truly don't believe you are ungrateful, I just think it comes across that way at least until you receive a large shipment of gifts or cards.

I don't believe judging people's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution, nor does complaining about the lack of readers following your blog. People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support. I understand it must be difficult to hear that some people have moved on from your blog but it also should be humbling that so many peoples lives were ultimately touched by Rachel's legacy in the first place. Which I believe was the sole intent of your blog from the beginning.

I know you are familiar with the saying, "Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away". Well the same goes for loving support and prayer. Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given.

Thinking of you always and hoping you receive this email graciously and that it gives you the strength to humbly accept EACH of the "gifts" you have been given in this life."

Question: who are you, lady and why do you feel it your place to say these things to me? You act like you want to help, but really are just judging me harshly.

My response to her, which I honestly question if she even is who she says she is... (yep, had that one happen before too) was brief and I basically just said I thought her words were unnecessary and linked two of my blog posts for her to review... From August and From May.

But today, her words are still bothering me... and although she thinks she can tell me what my "sole intent of my blog from the beginning" is - which by the way, is for me to decide - the purpose of this blog as of now is for me to have a space where I can lay down my burdens and the people who love me will come along side of me and HELP ME CARRY THEM - if just through prayer and encouragement.

Now, since she started her email by saying in the 2nd sentence:

"I started reading your blog back in the very beginning of your journey however, I must admit that I have not been reading as regularly nor do I have the means to continue to financially contribute.... "

And referred repeatedly to the "financial and physical support" that I "expect" for my family, as well as the "lack of readers" I have, I'm going to address these two things.

I have never expected anything from people I know through my blog. I have been very fortunate to meet some of my very best friends through my journey with Rachel and my blog and yes, through their offers - not my requests - to help me in my time of need. I have cried tears of gratitude a million times in the past year and a half over unexpected blessings both financial and physical from my friends, family, church family, and blog readers. Rachel's birthday was an example of that. Not because I received the "large shipment of gifts and cards" as "Ms. J" suggests, although my girl getting birthday cards was huge for my heart (is that wrong?)... but it was because I pulled into the cemetery and saw the cars lined up all over the place. It is the presence of my God, my friends, family, church family and blog readers that lifts my heart in my weakest moments. Hugs... I love hugs... I didn't know what to expect for people that day since I did an open invite on my blog - and I was blown away. The same is true of the gift cards for the pregnant woman.

Which leads me to my next topic... my expectations. She says:

"People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support."

If you read back to the very beginning of my blog and went all the way through, you will see that I have never expected anyone to have all the right words. I've actually repeatedly told people that there aren't any. The only thing I have ever asked is that if I let you know that something bothers me, just please be receptive to that. If that is too much to ask, that says more about the people who feel they have so much to offer in their words than it says about me and quite honestly, that's PRIDE.

People hurt me daily with their words, usually unintentionally - sometimes with their lack of words or thought. I offer the grace that has been freely given to me by God every single day. (the fact that anyone would think I don't based on a few "negative blog posts" shows that they don't have any idea what this journey has actually entailed for me) Am I too sensitive? Probably. But I do believe that there are times when my experiences and my pain can serve as a way for people to learn how to support their loved ones through a loss. I don't blog it all - the things I have blogged were always because I have tried to tell that person how I feel and they have refused to look at it. Those are the times when my heart is ripped apart... and back to MY purpose for this blog...I dump it here. And people with compassion, pray for me and write to me and encourage me. In case you're not aware, YOU don't need to read MY blog. Nobody forces you to come here. You can go find something else to read, and someone else to criticize if you don't like what I write - and especially if you feel that I am asking too much of people. This is not the place for you. My trial is not over and you are bound to see a few negative posts, sorry to be the bearer of bad news.... but again, I can't avoid the harsh emails because they come to me...so please remember you make a choice to read this that I don't get that luxury of making in emails I get - so if you don't have anything nice to say, don't email me. I welcome constructive exhortation from people who have a clue where I'm at, who I am and love me...but I still prefer that to be in person, thanks.

Here's another one of MY purposes for this blog... to let other grieving mothers know they are not alone or crazy for feeling some of these same things, for struggling with these same things. If you think it's just people I talk to that say insensitive things or are let down by family & friends, it's not... hurting mothers EVERYWHERE have to endure "knowledgeable" people and distant & self-centered family constantly. They do the same thing I do, go away and cry alone. But I refuse to let them think they are alone. Obviously "Ms. J" hasn't lost a child - and obviously she hasn't read the comments from other mothers who are thankful for my willingness to share the hard topics.

But that's right, I forgot, the "sole purpose" for this blog is for me to be "humbled by how many people were touched by Rachel's life in the first place" - which by the way, I am. Pretty sure I've said that a thousand times. But let's get one thing straight....don't throw my daughter's name around as if she isn't my own flesh & blood or feel you need to remind ME of how precious her life was or like you just came up with the idea that how God has used her "should" humble me. Have you read anything I've written? Or does Ms. Positive just like to focus on the negative?? (and I'm sarcastic too... bad Stacy)

People are still being touched by her life, even in all my imperfection. I'M leaving her legacy. It's my story of my love for her and pain in the loss of her and God's provision (at times through His people!!) along the way. But I have never twisted anyone's arm to be a part of this. They do it because they happen to believe in what I'm doing in her memory for other people. "Ms. J" is acting as if I kept the gift cards for myself. "I'm only happy when a 'large shipment of cards come in'?" that's right I was happy, are you kidding?? Because of those cards, I was able to bless two mothers (and counting) in Rachel's memory. I shared my story with them - her legacy - and about our Great God. Of course that makes me happy. Not because I'm money hungry or attention starved and looking for gifts for myself...but because I LOVE TO GIVE TO OTHERS in her name. I LOVE to share about her. yikes. I never thought my motives could be misconstrued like that. But just for the record "Ms. J" since you obviously have an issue with me asking for gift card donations... I didn't notice or care that you didn't send one, so no need to explain... and I don't want anything that comes from anyone who is not totally excited about it anyway. And I'm well aware that there are people who would have sent something, but finances kept them from it...or they chose to remember her in a different way - and you know what? I never thought twice about that either. I am grateful for every single time that someone remembers her with love, regardless of what form that comes in.

And as far as my expectations with "physical support" - I'm not sure exactly what fits under this category?? The only thing I expect physically is that our family shows up... and THAT "Ms.J" is yet again, something you don't know about.... For well over a year (until very recently), any time our families have let us down, I have generalized so as not to single anyone out. But the truth is, I'm referring to a select few people who ABSOLUTELY should be offering us "unlimited support". If expecting my own family and Matt's own family to acknowledge their granddaughter or niece's birthday - if even just to say "hey, I know things are tough right now" (or maybe call once in a while and ask how we're doing) is expecting "unlimited support" and wrong - well then, you got me. I expect too much and am totally unfair. If hoping that the same people, who were laying over Rachel's casket last December 9th at the cemetery dramatically crying like they had lost their own child, show up or send a card a year later on her anniversary "implies that I don't appear grateful for the abundance of support I have been given." by others - well, all I can say is that looks aren't everything. the people who know me, know that's not true. But see, yet again, you assumed you knew what I was talking about when you didn't. You know what they say happens when you assume, don't you?

On the topic of "lack of readers" - I'm not lacking readers... There are close to 300 people every day "reading." When I speak, or "complain" as "Ms J" calls it, of people not reading my blog, I'm not talking about the people across the country who I don't know...or even people I do know who are moving on, although that does hurt more. I'm not stupid, I know that people are not going to read my day to day life forever. But see, "Ms. J" wasn't around to hear my dad say he didn't read it because "it was too hard for him" or my MIL say she didn't read it because "it's all about Stacy and the baby" while I was STILL pregnant with Rachel. (there you have it, do you feel better about my desire yet? Does that make sense to you? Is that an acceptable reason to be hurt, Ms. J?) Hello?? Do you seriously think I'm just looking for a big audience? Give me a break. The only other thing that drives me crazy is when people stop reading and then expect me to fill them in on "how I'm feeling" only to debate with me why that's wrong. With my blog, they know where I'm at without me having to explain and then endure their input since, like "Ms. J" most people think I simply can't survive if they don't fill me in on the "correct" way to look at things.

I'm sure that "Ms. J" (watch my graciousness here....) isn't aware that my sweet baby girl didn't breathe on her own - and I'm going to give her the (ready... here's some positive thinking for you...) benefit of the doubt that she never read the posts where I talk about how that "life isn't measured" saying breaks my heart now. But when she says:

"I know you are familiar with the saying, "Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away". Well the same goes for loving support and prayer. Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given."

I have to wonder... is she insinuating that somehow I am putting physical gifts at the same level of importance as my baby BREATHING? Yes, I'm "aware of the saying" not sure how that ties in with your attempt at calling me ungrateful and negative. I've heard it all now... wow. Listen "Ms. J" ...and anyone who agrees with her opinion of me... please don't do me any favors....I will not be heartbroken if I don't see that extra number on my daily readers count, if I don't ever get a card or gift from you, if you never offer to come help me, and I certainly won't mind never getting another email from you - and you can actually stop offering me your "sincere love and prayers" cause your sincerity is mean and has caused me more hurt and my guess is that you don't care because you think you're right and you probably don't actually pray for me - but it does sound real nice, doesn't it?

Oooh, this one is good:

"Thinking of you always and hoping you receive this email graciously and that it gives you the strength to humbly accept EACH of the "gifts" you have been given in this life."

Let me just make sure that there is no confusion here... this email didn't give me "strength" to humbly accept anything. This email was pretty much useless. (oh gosh, I'm receiving this so ungraciously, aren't I?) I'm sorry, "Ms. J" but I'm going to be blunt... You are full of yourself to think that YOU need to clarify to ME that "gifts" aren't just gift cards. Remember me, I'm the one who carried my baby until she DIED IN MY ARMS. I am well aware what my "gifts" are and your "sincere love" isn't one of them.

And last, but not least...Wise "Ms. J" says:

"I don't believe judging people's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution"

Well, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black. I suppose you don't think that's exactly what you're doing to me? I guess if I added "I'm not judging you" before I wrote my judgement, like you did, it would be completely different?

Well, just for the record, I'm not judging you. Only trying to help, you know, cause I care about you :o) Have a good day! :o)

Her Light is in My Heart

2011-12-13T23:43:00.001-05:00

The kids & I decorated the tree tonight... we made sugar cookies and had them with egg nog while we put the ornaments on. It was a nice end to a crazy day, with 2 doctor's appt's, a dentist appt, gym class and groceries - and nursing every 2 hours on the dot....I am glad to finally be sitting and to have my sweet baby boy asleep on my lap. I love this kid. (funny side note, Asa totally peed all over the place at his appt today - this boy can pee...it went half way across the room, on me, the floor and all over the mat they had him on. The kids thought it was hilarious!)

As we pulled out the ornaments, Rachel was everywhere. You all sent so many precious ornaments last year since she had just died and her due date was the 25th. I've had many of them hanging around my house all year as decor, but it was nice to have her remain such a big part of our family during our favorite holiday. I also decided to change up the stuff on top of her hope chest...

Harlee gave me this candle holder for Rachel's birthday - it says: Loved you yesterday, Love you still, Always have and Always will. The willow tree is the "blessings" figurine and the sleigh, which has beautiful pink and white pearls on it was something I got last year as a gift for Rachel (I can't believe this, but I cannot remember where I got this, so if it was from you, please remind me!) I put all these things around the picture I have up of Rachel's feet in my hands, in Matt's hand and our wedding rings around her toes. It wasn't until I looked at the picture on my camera that I noticed the reflection of the candles in our picture....

There is a light reflecting from the candles in the palm of each of our hands.

Two things immediately came to mind. On our wedding favors, we had the verse from Matthew 5:16:

Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and

give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

And the other was a hymn...one that I thought of regularly while carrying Rachel - as well as a million times since I held her....lyrics that remind me that Rachel was put in my life for me to help her shine so that people would give glory to God:

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let (her) shine

Let her shine, let her shine, let her shine.

Hide it under a bushel? No!

I'm gonna let her shine.

Don't let Satan blow it out,

I'm gonna let her shine.

Let her shine till Jesus comes.

I'm gonna let her shine.

Let her shine, let her shine, let her shine...

Last December, we held a light from God in the palm of our hands. This December, and every day in between then and now, I hold that light in my heart and make it a daily commitment to let her light shine before others so that they may see God in her, through me, and glorify our Father in heaven.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don't share about my little light with someone. I tell people everywhere I go, in everything I do of the precious baby girl I was blessed to spend 9 months and 43 minutes with. And I'm convinced when I share my heart with these complete strangers.... they see her light shining in it.

2 Adults and 5 Kids

2011-12-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

Last Christmas eve I brought Rachel a little Christmas tree. The lights on it were battery operated and when I showed up on Christmas night (the day she was due), not only were they not working anymore but the battery pack was frozen into the ground. I stood there in the pitch black, still healing from my c-section, trying to chip away at the frozen dirt so I could replace the batteries and sobbing. It was so heart wrenching....

This year, I determined that she would not spend the winter - and especially Christmas - in the dark (as if there is any dark at all where she is!) and ordered solar powered Christmas lights. I ordered two sets and me & my friend Kim went out for the afternoon to decorate Rachel's grave and her sister's grave together. For as much as that may sound like a less than desirable way to spend the day, I was glad to have someone to go with who understood. I do so much cemetery stuff alone. Sometimes that is good for me and sometimes it's really hard. (pictures coming soon!)

I was getting ready to go and decided to check my email. My good friend's daughter was born 3 weeks after Rachel and there it was....her first birthday party invitation. We had talked about these types of moments while we were both still pregnant and I'm so thankful that we have the kind of relationship where we can be open with each other. I knew moments like this would happen....the ones that made me remember that Rachel wouldn't still be that little baby I see in the photos all over my house - she would be growing...she would be a 1 year old. Sounds obvious, but on the days when it feels like she just died yesterday, it's easy to forget that she would probably be walking by now.

I didn't know if my heart could handle it and so I decided not to open it and continued on to my grave decorating.

When I came home last night, I opened it. The idea of going to her birthday actually doesn't bother me. I'm really kind of excited about it. She is such a precious girl, just like her mama and I'm glad to be able to celebrate her turning one.

Here is where the 'problem' arose...
I clicked on the rsvp "yes"
A little box popped up and it had a space for the number of adults...
I typed 2. That was easy.
Then it has a space for the number of kids....
I stared at it for probably 10 minutes watching the cursor blink.
Matt said something from the other room. I replied back;
"I'm trying to rsvp for this birthday party"
He asked what the problem was.
I said it wants to know how many kids we're bringing and I don't know what to write.
"Why?" he asked, assuming I wasn't sure if we'd all go.

And as I heard myself answer, I started crying.

"because I don't want to write 4" I blurted out.

Even still, sometimes this all seems like it can't be real. And when I hear myself struggling so much over something that should be so simple, reality feels so harsh. I looked at the other rsvp's... 2 adults, 1 kid... 2 adults 2 kids... I wondered how long it took them to figure out what to enter in that box. 2 seconds? I wanted the answer to be simple. I wanted to be able to just enter how many kids I have - and that I would be bringing them all. Or just to feel fine writing I'd be bringing 4. But I couldn't do it. I so wished there was a way to type in "I have 5, but can only bring 4"... but the space only allowed for a one number answer. I felt wrong writing 4 and stupid writing 5 since after all, I wasn't bringing 5 and everyone knows that an rsvp is all about who is going to the party, not who you wish you could bring. I tried to come up with some witty reply I could write in the comment section if I was to write 5... how does "only 2 of them will be eating cake" sound?

I stared at the blinking cursor some more.

At this point Matt was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder as I cried and fought with myself over typing 4 or 5.

I typed 5 and shut the computer.

"She'll understand" I said as I turned from my desk knowing that my friend wasn't going to think I was a freak for claiming to be coming with 5 kids... because technically I am...I'm just carrying one of them in my heart instead of my arms.

When Hallmark Fails - take 3

2011-12-10T15:14:00.022-05:00

I started this post days ago and never finished... then just had it post all messed up TWICE! and had to fix it...hard to do this while nursing a baby!! :o)
so here it is...I think it's right this time.

I remember when we had Rachel's baby shower people were so unsure of what to get for a card. She was still alive then and I got a bunch of sympathy cards. We were calling it her "Celebration of Life" party so sympathy seemed a bit premature - although I totally get why people would go that route. I was so thankful for the people who bought regular old baby shower cards... you know, the kind you get when you're about to have a baby you can keep....

Nothing hurt more than when my sister-in-law came up to me and told me she "put a check in the basket because there were no cards for this" as she shook her head and stuck her tongue out like she just ate something that tasted bad. (we were asking for donations for Rachel's memorial playground at her shower and were blessed with $1600 that day!) But money was supposed to be the added blessing - not the purpose - of the day. The purpose was to acknowledge the life inside me and celebrate her. I wanted to say, "try a blank one... a baby shower one...a congratulations on your baby girl....there are lots of options" but I decided to be "polite" and nod and smile as if I actually agreed - and then I felt guilty that I didn't stand up for my girl better.

Immediately following Rachel's funeral (two days later!) I started getting Christmas cards that mentioned nothing of our loss.... we were "moving on".... next in line? Christmas. yeah, let's talk about Christmas....Hallmark has cards for that....(and you may even find Jesus in some of them!)

Since then cards have been easy - notes of encouragement or thinking of you.... but for Rachel's birthday, we came up against the same old problem.... "Hallmark doesn't make a card for this type of thing" I've been told a bunch of times.

First, before I get into this, I want you all to know that I am NOT writing this to make anyone feel bad, to put anyone down or make you feel like you have to run out and buy a card - or apologize to me for saying Hallmark failed here. PLEASE believe me when I say that. And PLEASE do not go send me a card or make me endure an uncomfortable apology because you feel guilty. That's not what I am looking for or desire. I am writing this post because I know that this won't be the last time that there is a situation in the life of someone you love that Hallmark doesn't say perfectly - especially when a child dies. And because being on the receiving end can be so painful even when the motivation is pure. I'm hoping by sharing this, you will be able to love others better through their trials.

All that said, I'm totally a card person. I love getting them, LOVE sending them - some people don't care about them as much and so this may be not as important for those people - but feeling loved in one way or another always will be.

But let me be honest about how the statement that Hallmark doesn't make cards for "this" makes me feel.... It feels lonely. It feels like my reality and Rachel's life (or the way I'm celebrating/grieving) is too unusual for words. It feels like an excuse to not put effort into it. It shows me your complete discomfort around the topic of my baby. It's discouraging, disappointing and leaves me feeling like Rachel isn't loved. It feels like you would be happier if we just didn't talk about her any more and we could move on.... Christmas anyone??

And I understand that those are just feelings but I'm just being honest. So, I've compiled some examples of my favorite cards to help in this admittedly awkward thing to maneuver through.

Let's start with one I got from Harlee on August 4th (anniversary of Rachel's diagnosis)

then on the inside....

And then she wrote about how she remembered talking to me the night I got Rachel's diagnosis and how, while she was scared and sad and upset....I still had hope. That is something I would not remember about that night, if she didn't dare to share it with me. I'll admit, this card gets 5stars, but what she wrote in it meant more. She took the chance of reminding me about my pain (you know that I don't need reminding, I always remember it all by myself... so don't be afraid you're going to remind someone about their loss! They haven't forgotten and are glad to know you haven't either!!) and she let me know that she was remembering that hard day with me and that she thinks I've done good for my girl.

Then there is the card I got from my sister, someone worthy of the "Auntie" title, for Rachel's birthday...

It doesn't say Happy Birthday. It doesn't say sorry your daughter died. It doesn't say "be happy". It says I love you just the way you are... exactly where you're at... and I'm here for you through it all - for as long as it takes.

Oh, and even though it is hard for her, it doesn't say "I lost a baby too, this is just as hard for me too you know, you should be supporting me too" - Oh yeah, that's what the other side of the family says and thinks; they lost a baby too... the ones who didn't bother to send cards or even call - except the one who called on her bday and never mentioned it - cause they forgot all about her day - but it was SO hard for them, exactly like my pain for sure - I can tell. sorry, sarcasm...and yes, they actually think that and have said that, even recently. They can't be here for us cause they're too concerned with how her death and our grief affects them. (which is how? since they don't even think about her on her birthday/day she died?) this is what I refer to as diarrhea of the mouth. shut up Stacy. (insert smiley face with foot in mouth here) Then we have the others that although they don't make Rachel's death about them, they refuse to acknowledge our loss at all. Truth is, I hide behind sarcasm or anger where this topic is concerned - but what I really am is hurt and even though I've tried to address my hurt with them, they don't care. So anyway...totally getting sidetracked here and not making any friends...more comfortable topic... Next card...

This friend did some underlining and on the inside some editing to make a "not exactly perfect" card - "exactly perfect"

No, it's not a birthday card, but it recognizes that she LIVED and that we miss her. On the inside she crossed off sympathy and put "thoughts and prayers" and then she crossed off "during this sad time" and left it like that. LOVE it.

The next one was from the place that we got Rachel's casket. This place was amazing... caskets hand made by monks who pray over it while carving it and for every casket that someone is buried in, they plant a tree as a memorial for that person...including Rachel. But seriously, even they sent a card - not our parents, but hey at least the monks care. Fr. Kenneth wrote:

Dear Stacy,
On the 1st anniversary of the death of your loved one, we want you to know that we continue to pray for you and your family. With faith in Christ's resurrection we remain united with you in prayer.

I LOVE that last line... THEY REMAIN with us in faith and prayer. A year later...they remain. Not our parents or the majority of our families...but we've always got the monks in Iowa. This is what I mean about how thankful I am for all of you. We got so many cards, emails, messages from all over the country. Your support helps me more than you'll ever know

And this one...

On the inside it says "Sympathy and Understanding are with you" and then she wrote a little about how thankful she was that I'm honest on my blog because it helps her to know how to grieve with me and pray for me.

And a birthday card for Rachel from my mom....

Simple - and kinda has two meanings... she's IN God's garden.... and flowers have always reminded me of Rachel.

Next....

And that was followed up with "Happy Birthday" - This card has "Rachel" written all over it.

And this one.... blank. When Hallmark doesn't make a card that "works for this", go blank. Share your heart. Tell them you're thinking of them and praying for them. Sign your name. Something. Anything. (preferrably focusing on them - just sayin') But if you absolutely hate blank cards and prefer for Hallmark to do the writing, PLEASE don't tell them that you went without a card because their situation wasn't under one of the usual categories in the card isle.

This blank card was filled with the most encouraging words I think I read for Rachel's birthday, so I want to share them. Inside she wrote:

Stacy,
How can it be a year since your sweet Rachel was in your arms? Happy Birthday to your little princess...you love well Stacy and I know your heart is bursting with so many different emotions as you hold your Asa and grieve Rachel at the same time. Be gentle with yourself during this season and don't be afraid to borrow hope from those around you. I will be looking for pink balloons in the Colorado Sky on Saturday...I will be praying for your heart to be comforted with each breath you take. May you be surrounded with amazing peace and sweet friends who love you and your family so much.
Sending love, L.

This one paragraph said Happy Birthday to Rachel, acknowledges that it would be a hard day, showed me that she is walking the journey along with me since she knew details from my blog, said it was ok to take it easy and not expect too much of myself right now and encouraged me all at the same time. No, Hallmark didn't write it....but she didn't choose to say nothing because what she wanted to say wasn't already in print with a $4 price tag. I might also add that this is not a person I have talked to before, she is a fellow baby loss mama who follows my blog and has been a big support through this entire journey.

Ok and for those of you who hate blank cards...or have no words to write in one.. there is always the option of buying a card like this:

These are just a few of some very nice cards I got last week. I guess what I hope to get across here is that life doesn't always follow Hallmark's idea of how things will go. And when it doesn't, the people who find themselves in a "this" situation still need to know that somebody cares....that they aren't alone. And if you go to the card isle and after looking around decide that there is in fact "no card for this", please just keep that to yourself and give your loved one a big hug and tell them you care. That's all. I understand they don't make a card that says "Happy Birthday to your dead baby" but there are many other ways to say "I know it's your daughter's first birthday and I'm praying for you since she isn't with you and that hurts your heart" You just have to think outside the box and be willing to step out of your comfort zone in order to comfort the one who's hurting, without expecting to be able to fix them - and knowing that's okay.

And I might just start my own line of cards....lookout Hallmark, you're going down.

Missing My Gift Keeps Me Giving

2011-12-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Today was as long and as hard as I imagined it would be.

Asa had another breath holding scare this morning, so I had to rearrange my entire day to bring him to the doctors. They think he is fine, but have referred us to a cardiologist to check his heart murmur, mostly to relieve my fears. As the topic of discussion changed from Asa, to me and my anxiety, I started crying. She is really supportive and encouraged me to bring him in as often as I need to in order to get peace of mind, reassuring me that she doesn't think I'm crazy, but she doesn't want me to lose sleep over my fears because of Rachel. (LOVE that she calls her Rachel and not a "situation") I decided not to tell her the part where I sat up until 2:30 staring at him last night convinced he was going to die in his sleep.... I wish it was as easy as saying I'm going to choose to think positive - but right now, that's just not where I am at. I am scared that he won't stay with me. Last night I had to just turn it over to God and as I closed my eyes, I begged him to let me keep him. And for today, He did.

As I walked down the hall to leave the doctors, the song by Sarah McLachlan "I will remember you" was playing... I heard the lyrics and my tears started again. I couldn't separate whether I was crying over Rachel or my fears about having Asa taken from me - both rip my heart apart. They tend to intertwine. It was so hard to have to bring Asa to the doctor on the same day Rachel was buried. It's a lot at once for this hurting, tired heart of mine.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much to deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I'm so afraid to love you

But more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness

Deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

I will remember you, will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I left there crying and cried the whole way to Options for Women...and as I was walking in, baby in hand...I fell down - again. I came through their door all upset, crying "I can't even walk!" And they do what they do best...loved this woman :o) thanks girls.

But the reason I was at Options was because all of you were so unbelievably generous for Rachel's Birthday, that we received $843 in gift cards! And yes, that number ends in $43 because someone sent a card in the amount of $43, which was so thoughtful. (you didn't tell me your name, which I would like to know!!) So, not only was I able to get the girl I told you about everything she still needed, but I also sponsored another girl through Options. She is a young, hard working mother due in January. AND I have money left over to sponsor another person, but God hasn't shown me who that is yet so I will hold onto it until He does and I'll let you know! Thank you for making this all possible. You are such a blessing.

I knew this day would be hard and so I planned to donate these gifts today. There is only one way to help my heavy heart on days like this, and that is to do something for my girl. Rachel Alice Aube gave me an intense desire to do things to bless others in her memory. She is my gift who keeps me giving. And so today, I went down and ate lunch at her grave....just me & Asa (mom was babysitting so that I could go to his appt alone)...brought her some fresh flowers and cried as I remembered standing there one year ago today as we said goodbye. Then I went to Asa's appt and then to Options. We filled a bassinet that they donated towards this with over $500 in clothes (a few each of size newborn to 12 months!!), diapers, wipes, blankets, sheets, toys, towels, etc! I even got the mom and big sister a little something to encourage them. Along the way, I was able to share Rachel's story and all your love for her with the cashiers who wondered why I was buying so much stuff :o) and I wrote the mom a letter as well.

I wish the picture showed how much is actually in this, but it doesn't do it justice!

My original plan for the day had to be changed because of Asa's appt, and so ironically, I ended up at Rachel's grave at just before 1pm - the same time we were there last year - and I got back home around 4pm - the same time I got home after our gathering last year. The timing was hard, so many things reminding me, even the weather. And so I sit here tonight, I'll admit, in a much better place than I was last year on this night - and at the same time, I had no idea it would still hurt this much a year later. Tonight, I would still like to go get her and bring her home....but it's not quite so hard to get my body to stay here. So, I guess that's progress.

Thank you for a year of wiping my tears and crying along with me. I am so thankful for all of you. I don't know how I would have gotten through some of these last 365 days without you. Your encouragement, your prayers, your support of all my projects for Rachel :o) - thank you for loving me through this - for walking this journey with me and being a part of Sweet Baby Rachel's Legacy. Some day we will know the extent to which she truly changed hearts for God's kingdom. I'm honored to be her mama and humbled that so many people still care. thank you ♥

Surviving Another Anniversary

2011-12-09T01:30:00.000-05:00

Tough night tonight. should be sleeping, but my mind won't shut off. My heart is so heavy. Tomorrow (today) is a year since we buried my girl. And it's also a Friday. I'll need extra prayers to get through this day.

This day, unlike her birthday, holds nothing but deep sorrow and heart wrenching pain in my memory. Her service was beautiful and I made it through the day alive, but that night I had to force myself to stay home...I just wanted to go back and dig her up. It felt so wrong to put my baby in the ground. I filled in the funeral home book like it was a baby book, obsessing over every detail as if she would someday read it. And I cried all night long.

Some days surviving was all I could do. Some days it still is. Today is one of them.

Always Something There to Remind Me

2011-12-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Driving this morning, I switched to a station I never listen to cause I was tired of commercials and busy talk.... Listening to the chorus, I hated the fact that a sappy break up song can remind me of my sweet daughter, but there I was crying as if the song was written for us. It's by Naked Eyes and goes like this:

I walk along the city streets
You used to walk along with me,
And every step I take reminds me
Of just how we used to be.

Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe
Where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling how it
Felt to kiss and hold you tight

Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

If you should find you miss the sweet
And tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go,
And I'll be there

Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me

'Cause there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

Tonight was a *really* rough night - Asa doesn't want to be put down and has started holding his breath if I let him cry alone for more than a minute - meaning if I don't go right to him, I find him purple and not breathing... an all too familiar appearance that I just can't handle. Desirae has been grouchy from spending the last couple of evenings out with friends and staying up too late - and tonight she is out again at music, which means that Matt has been out every night this week too, leaving me having to do bedtime and no break at all. Sam has decided that he likes to scream...happy, sad, excited, mad, wanting something different... they all require screaming in his mind. While putting him to bed, I listened to both him and Asa scream like crazy until I was crying, too. And my Isaiah... well, he fell down the stairs earlier, while trying to ride a pillow down. Our stairs are wood and extremely steep. I saw him tumble down and his life flashed before my eyes... I was instantly in tears, even though he was completely fine, because I just can't handle anything else happening to any of my kids.

One would probably think that I'm so busy that it would be a good distraction from my grief...you know the people who say if you do this or that it will "get your mind off of 'it'" - well, that has yet to work around here with this scenerio being one of the more laid back nights. I had already thought of Rachel myself a dozen times since dinner, but then as I was bringing Isaiah to bed, he stopped at the top of the stairs and said:

"When are we gonna have another baby?"
"Another baby? We just had a baby."
"But I want another one"
"oh, you do...."
"I want to feed two babies at once...and then when Rachel comes back, we can feed three babies at once"
"Yeah, that sounds awesome Zay... let's get you into bed...."

There is always something there to remind me.

She Never Will

2011-12-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

December 6, 2010.... the dreaded day when I had to leave the hospital empty handed. They wheeled me out to the car and popped the trunk to put in Rachel's memories and I caught a glimpse of the car seat that we brought "just in case she beat the odds." There are no words to describe what I felt at that moment.

One day short of 3 weeks later, I received what in this post I referred to as my "best Christmas gift ever" - Rachel's social security number. I forgot, until I read that post today, that just before the funeral home left with her, the woman from medical records told me that I would get a ss card in the mail for her. I was so excited I yelled "she's getting a number?!" and everyone cheered. It was a happy moment in my sorrow... she was alive and they were acknowledging it - And at a time when I was dealing with the pain of my first Christmas without her... it came just 2 days before Christmas.

The next time I was pushed in a wheel chair was on November 15, 2011 and I made sure to capture the memory...

This was just 2 hours after Asa was born and they were moving me to the Mother and Baby floor - a floor I never went to after Rachel. When I sat down in that wheelchair and they put my baby in my arms, two things happened....I was finally released from the anticipation over whether this moment would ever come to be; overwhelmed with gratitude for a safe delivery and a healthy, live baby.... and I saw the vision of the car seat in the trunk flash through my mind. That picture will always be etched in my memory as clear as if I were looking at a photograph.

As they rolled me down the halls, I held him close as I felt my eyes fill up with tears. I didn't dare to look up for fear that my ride with my baby might bring another mama without hers pain.

Today, 3 weeks later, I opened my mailbox to find an envelope addressed to Asa Francisco Aube.... his social security card. I stood there staring at it for what felt like a while. I looked over at him, sleeping in his little hammock. I saw his chest rise and as he breathed the air back out, he let out a squeaky sigh and squirmed around in that newborn way.

And all I could think about was Rachel... her number... the day I opened the letter addressed to Rachel Alice Aube and the excitement it brought to me. I remember exactly where I stood when I opened it, everything about that moment. I thought about the idea that someday he'll sign his card....but she never will. Someday he'll use it to open a bank account, to buy a house, on his marriage license, on his children's birth certificates.... she never will.

I sank my face into my hands and cried.

I know she's not missing out on anything here, but I can't help but be reminded of all I'm missing out on without her. However, even in these moments when I'm so heart broken over all the "could-have-been," as her mama, I'm still thankful that it's me who feels this pain and that she never will.

A Vision of Hope

2011-12-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

I got an email from my friend Niki yesterday.... she asked if I saw the rainbow on Rachel's birthday at 3:30. I hadn't because I was at home having cake - and I couldn't see it in the picture she sent either.

I see the huge sun, the blue sky.....but no rainbow. I searched this picture for minutes cause I really wanted to see the rainbow, but I couldn't. I emailed back and asked if there was one in this picture at all.

She sent me a close up....

OK, I'm seeing the bit of red on the outside of that hole in the clouds, but was still thinking that I wanted to see one more than there was actually one there. (just call me Thomas)

And then I got the next close up....

And there it is....a rainbow, visible only because of a tiny hole in the clouds.... on a day with not a drop of rain to be found. And if you look at the first picture, as well as the ones we took at the cemetery just an hour and a half earlier, you'll see that there were hardly even any clouds to be seen that day.

So I ask you, are you really surprised that God would send a rainbow on her birthday? I'm not. It happened at 7:00 pm on the day we finished her playground too. I see the vision of Hope in the most unexpected places.

My faith has been at an all time low lately. I believe that God is sovereign, but that only brings comfort if I believe wholeheartedly that He loves me with an everlasting love. And that is where I've struggled. But knowing full well that the sky was not rainbow material on her first birthday, I believe that this rainbow is just another way that God has shown me that He is in every detail. He hasn't forgotten me. And in a way, I feel like this tiny hole in the clouds is kind of like the mustard seed we hear of in the bible....

It's small, but His promise is there.... and if I can just see it, recognize it, claim it as a gift from Him because He loves me.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And so maybe faith isn't as hard as I feel like it is lately. Maybe I've complicated it. Maybe having faith is more about saying "I know He love me" then it is about saying "I know everything will go well". I mean, isn't that what He showed on the cross? I can only imagine how Mary felt that day as she said goodbye to her son and had to surrender to God's will for Him.

Sometimes I feel like the whole earth is full of blue skies, except for the dark clouds looming right above me. I know the size of the Powerful Son, and yet feel like that light and warmth is for everyone else.... like He's too far in the distance to make a difference in my reality.

But when I can see the rainbow through the clouds, even if only through a tiny hole....I know He's there and I know He loves me.

Matthew 17:20

Afterward the disciples asked Jesus privately, "Why couldn't we cast out that demon?"

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.

Nothing will be impossible for you

Temporary Home

2011-12-04T17:27:00.005-05:00

Today is the day one year ago that I had to let my baby leave the hospital with someone else - and I couldn't go too.

Excruciating Pain.
The hardest day of my life.
I still remember everything about that room.
I was sitting on the bed, Rachel on my lap, trying to dress her perfectly. I put her "love to twirl" outfit on her (Kim had brought up a new one because the preemie one we had was too small) and I fixed her little cross necklace just right. They gave me a moses basket to put her in and patiently waited for me to get her ready. I put her hat on and gave them instructions to make sure they didn't let it fall off.
I swaddled her in the blanket that Des made her, it matches the one I sleep with.
I put her little lamb in with her.
They took her, promised to be gentle with her, and slowly left the room.
I fell apart there in that hospital bed, my heart being ripped from my chest.
I saw Kim quietly walk out to give us privacy.
The door closed behind them.
And that was it. She wasn't mine anymore. She was gone.
I would never hold her again.

By this time last year, all the disappointments I had from her birth were starting to sink in.... and I was angry.
They gave me meds to help me sleep and I was glad to have a way to escape for a while....
if only for a while.

That day started the hardest journey I would ever take.
The most painful days I would ever endure
The constant misunderstanding I would have to face from others
The judgement I would be under from so many who think weeping and mourning are due to lack of faith.
The loneliness that grief and loss bring
The never ending ache of empty arms and a hole in my heart that cannot be filled by anyone else.
So many tears....most cannot fathom how deep the wound.

As we left the cemetery yesterday, the song on the radio was singing (I made some changes)

Old man (baby girl), Hospital bed
the room is filled with people (s)he loves
And (s)he whispers "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
(s)he looks up and says "I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home.

I felt her singing it to her Mama's heart. Part of me found comfort in that for Rachel... this was her temporary home. She's home now where she belongs. The other part of me felt really discouraged for me because this life is hard. I tried to have that "happy heavenly perspective" and feel good that I'll be there someday... but the truth is that I feel like it's too far away and I feel too weary to handle the day in and day out of the trials of this life until that day comes.

I have to say, that in my humanness, it would be a lot easier for me to believe she was somewhere else if her precious, sweet, little body that I knew so well wasn't in the cold, hard ground.

I do believe it, don't get me wrong, but I wonder why, when God took her from me in spirit, He couldn't have just had her whole body fly up to heaven too... wouldn't that make it so much easier to rest in?

And I guess that's why they call it faith. And nobody said faith was easy.

Heb 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

2 Cor. 5:7
We walk by faith, not by sight

She Has Been My Delight

2011-12-03T23:43:00.002-05:00

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight

Kahlil Gibran

When my eyes opened bright and early to my little Asa wanting to nurse, the first thought on my mind was that it was Rachel's birthday.... I stopped to asses how that made me feel.... I felt okay. I looked down at Asa and for the first time since I've had him, I felt the healing he is bringing me. I was so thankful to have him to hold and love today.

I realized this week that part of why my grief seemed to hit another low spot was because while I was pregnant, (I know this is going to sound bad) I sometimes got Rachel and Asa confused, as did Isaiah. I would forget that I wasn't pregnant with her anymore and sometimes accidentally call him Rachel. Once I had him, I stopped having moments of feeling like she was still with me - and so the wound felt so fresh. Sometimes Isaiah still accidentally calls Asa, Rachel... and my heart skips a beat.

I've been feeling bad lately because since Asa arrived, I've only napped with Rachel's blanket a couple times. But since I hadn't washed it all year, I didn't want it near Asa cause it wasn't clean enough for him - but I never planned to wash it at all. I've slept with it every night since she left me. I know by now, her scent and everything about her is gone from it anyway, but I just couldn't do it. This morning, for her birthday, I took a big step and washed her blanket and teddy - but I washed them with Asa's blanket. I figured that way all of Rachel on her blanket and all of the first sweet weeks with Asa on his blanket have now been combined - and now her blanket is safe to have with us while we sleep. These are the mind games I have to play with myself to get myself to do simple everyday things.

This morning was really tough. I was totally resentful that Matt wasn't here. My mom & sister came to save the day, as usual, but I still got out of the house way later than I wanted to. When we pulled into the cemetery, there were so many cars that I asked Matt if there was a funeral going on too. When I realized that they were all there for Rachel, I started crying. It was overwhelming to see that many people come out to support us. I think there were over 50 people there. We sang Happy Birthday to our baby girl and then released 43 balloons while Phil sang the song he wrote for her. And as our tradition goes, we sent everyone home with a daisy in Rachel's memory.

**In the pictures, you'll see a single red balloon that went up too early by accident. Nat, that one was for Sebby!

After everyone left, I took a few moments at her grave. I often squat down there, but I've never had the urge to touch the ground like today. I put my hand on the ground, right over her grave. I could picture her under there.... my heart aching and tears flowing... and I told her (whether or not she could hear me) that I love her, miss her and wish I could have kept her. I kissed my fingers and planted my kiss on the ground above her - hating the fact that a couple feet of dirt keeps me from touching her. I remembered her chubby legs and how it felt to hold her. I hope those memories never fade. I miss her so much.

We came back home and all the people, minus a few, that were there the day Rachel was born came to have cake and ice cream and coffee with us. My friend Jenn from The Party Bees made Rachel's cake. It was so pretty and tasted awesome. I'm having seconds right now as I type with Asa in my lap :o) Multi-tasking! It was such a nice visit... totally laid back, not emotional - and even not really focused on Rachel. But the nice thing about being with people who met her is that I don't need to tell them how amazing she was, they already know. I don't feel like I need to tell them about her, they were there. And I was totally comfortable sharing Asa with them because I know they KNOW there is no replacement for Rachel.

I got on the computer and was bombarded with Happy Birthday wishes, prayers, and thinking of you's - such a blessing to my heart. So many people still thinking of Rachel ♥

So, I've had a few tears fall today.... I'm a little nervous the midnight hours will be harder when I'm up all alone with Asa... but all in all, today has been way better than I ever expected. The week leading up to today was horrible, but God met me today for sure - and that same peace He granted us on the day she was born, was with me today.

Like I said at the cemetery, I don't believe she really knows about all the things I do for her...and I'm glad because the fact that she is spared from earthly pain (or even the awareness of MY earthly pain) makes me happy for her...as her mother, I want that for her. I am just so thankful for all the people who have faithfully been there for us throughout this hard year. We got so many cards, messages, prayers.... I don't know how I would make it through this without all of you. I am really disappointed that only a couple people from my family and none of Matt's even acknowledged Rachel's birthday. And so maybe the blessing of the support I get from all of you is magnified by how little we would have without you. But either way, thank you. Thank you for loving us... and thank you for loving our precious daughter....through a time when we have had so little to give, if anything, in return. Please know how much we appreciate it and that nothing goes unnoticed.

It's been a long hard year without her. I know my trial isn't over. But I'm so grateful that today was a day of peace and joy....even in the midst of sorrow.

And along the path, there are big blessings in little things...
My niece Jailyn made a card (I posted pics) that says:

Happy Birthday Rachel!

Love you my cousin. You will be part of my hert. a big part.
I no you hafint met me realy - But I saw your face. You were butiful. Love, Jailyn

This sweet letter had me in tears immediately. She is so precious and loves her cousin so much. Kids are awesome. She was one of the few people who got to hold Rachel and I'm so glad she did.

I also got a really nice note from Laura at String of Pearls and even a note from the Organ Bank (we weren't even able to donate her valves!) acknowledging Rachel's birthday/day we had to say goodbye.

Here are the pictures from today. They're only missing one thing in my opinion.... the beautiful one year old we're celebrating and missing. I would love to know what she would look like now. What would she like/not like? How would she fit into our family?? All things I'll never know...

And so as her birthday comes to a close, I'm a little uncertain of where I go from here. I know that the more time that goes by, the less people will think of her and understand my sadness. I don't think the journey is going to get easier any time soon and that scares me. But the one thing I know is that I would endure this and more for that little girl any time. Carrying her was my privilege, knowing her was my blessing, and loving her has been my delight. That is why I weep - and I'm okay with that.

Happy Birthday Rachel Alice. I'm so proud to be your Mama. Love you sweet girl.

Burning In Rage

2011-12-02T23:57:00.005-05:00

Today has been hard in every way possible. My heart is screaming for a way out. I've spent the day trying to pull together all the pieces for tomorrow and regretting the fact that I didn't do this stuff sooner. I guess I've been in denial over the fact that this day was coming so soon. And of course, as usual, I'm doing it all myself cause that's the way it goes around here. Then tonight my husband informed me that he neglected to get the day off tomorrow (just a half a day) and that is a huge disappointment.

So tonight, I put the "hope" sign up on my door that I put up the night before Rachel's birth... You can see that post HERE - I read it and can't believe how excited I was to meet my girl. I wish tonight I was getting ready to go meet her, hold her....that I could still have the hope of the chance at a day or two with her.

But as I hung that sign on my door tonight, I was sobbing. I know the way it all played out... I've had 12 full months of the deepest pain I have ever felt...and I just want her back. But she's not coming back.

I would still do it all over again. Here's the song Phil Yoder wrote for her. Kyla brought it to me last year the night before her birthday. I didn't really relate to the "burn in rage" part last year....but today, it sums up how I feel regularly. Yet last year, I had much more support... and this year, I'm more alone than ever. Losing Rachel has been such an isolating experience for me, like a lot of moms who lose children, that I wasn't prepared for.

Rachel’s Song

They’re all asking how I’m feeling
All I can say is how about you
How can I say how this pain is
Through my soul boring through

You see this life inside me now is
Destined to die in a day or two
How can I even make my way
So would you…

Chorus
Pick up these shoes and carry me a while
Lift up these hands and help me smile
Stay by my side as I burn in rage
And mingle your tears with mine, please stay

Oh baby girl you feel so close now
I do not want to let you leave
I haven’t even seen your face yet
I haven’t even heard you breathe

I want to touch your tiny fingers
I want to hear your beating heart
And even if for just one moment
I’ll make sure…

I know the time is coming near now
I cannot make it start or stop
I have to trust you have a plan now
I’m sure you understand my pause

I cannot understand the meaning
Why such beauty in such pain
All I can do is ask you this now
So would you…

scroll all the way down and pause music player first

Miss you sweet girl
just a couple minutes to go before your birthday - I can imagine it's been an amazing year for you. I'm thankful for that. Mama loves you.

What Else?

2011-12-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

I was thrilled to have nothing on the calendar today except Des & Isaiah leaving for a couple of hours to go to gym class. I figured I'd get my groceries done while they were gone and maybe even get an afternoon nap... and then I thought - wow, it's so nice out, I'll take them for a walk this morning. I haven't been out for a walk since before Asa was born and it's been so warm around here that I thought we should take advantage of it.

And so I packed my baby into my baby carrier (his "whole" head and all) and we left. I was feeling like a good mom....for the moment... We made it down to the end of our street, a whole block, before I tripped on Desirae's heel and fell down.

I tried to catch my balance and my hips were almost at a 90 degree angle as I took a couple big steps, trying to stay on my feet. Because I was leaning so far forward,  Asa started to fall out of the top of the carrier. In an attempt to keep him from smashing his head off the sidewalk, I threw myself sideways onto the pavement. The moment went in slow motion, yet happened so fast that I wasn't even sure if he hit the ground or not. Either way, I knew he had definitely been shaken like crazy and I JUST read a pamphlet on "Never shaking a baby!" yesterday! Go figure. Now I can worry about his brain all night.... I know, silly me....I should just "relax".

Today when I fell and, for the first time since Asa's birth, needed to protect him and didn't really do a great job at it, I was so upset with myself. I sat in this stupid mud puddle, on the side of the road, BAWLING like a baby not knowing if he was okay or not. I would have liked to call my "encourager" from yesterday and tell her how accidents DO happen, even to "whole" babies.... ergh.... but along came a nice man with a little white dog - the kids held the dog (great distraction for them, they were wicked scared) while he helped me up and brushed the mud and leaves off of me. I'm sure he thought I was crying a bit dramatically for someone who fell down - but I figured telling him about my last baby who died in my arms was probably not going to help me look less dramatic... I mean, seriously, talking about the effect that had on me yesterday (to another woman who has children and watched me walk the entire journey with Rachel) only made me look like I was trying to create a problem that in her mind didn't exist... so I let him think I was just plain crazy. Like I said yesterday, it's not like my explanations ever help anyway. So, if I'm gonna look crazy regardless, I might as well save my breath. Besides, at this point, I might fall into the "crazy" category.

I took Asa out of the carrier and carried him home in my arms...sobbing the whole way.... staring at him to see if he was as non-responsive as he appeared - or if he really did just SLEEP through that entire thing. He never cried once. I, on the other hand, was bleeding all over the place from a huge gouge on my arm and crying like crazy. I called the doctor when I got here and brought him in to be checked and he looks fine.

Every time I thought about him falling for the next 3 hours, I cried. I cried half the day yesterday over that dumb conversation, and now half the day today - and between that and minimal sleep, I'm looking real pretty, let me tell you. But I actually don't even care. Luckily, my beauty pageant isn't until the end of the month.

Dixie brought us dinner & dessert,  my mom came down so I could go grocery shopping and cleaned my house, and Millie kept the other two kids for the afternoon after gym class and brought them back after dinner. That was my "manna" today. I SO needed the help.

Asa is starting to squirm in his seat and make his cute little newborn squeaks (more manna) - it's just about time for some Mama milk.   I should have just stayed home and snuggled with him on the couch this morning. I really can't take much more at this point in my life.... and it always seems to get worse when I try to be super mom and do all those things that other people say I should be. I have to let go of the expectations from others and myself.

I'm so thankful he's okay - and at the same time I'm scared that I'm not able to protect him like I want to. It's pretty bad when even walking is dangerous. I guess it kind of reminds me of the week after we got Rachel's diagnosis....

I had met my mom at the park that day (me & the kids walked - you know, cause it's a 'good mom' thing to do!) and for the first time in my life at 31 years old, I got stung by a bee. Then, while still all bent out of shape that I got stung, we started towards home and Desirae came inches away from getting hit by a car on her bike. After I almost puked, I felt like I never wanted to leave the house again.... like I was having my baby taken from me and.... what else?? What else is going to go wrong? Is God going to take another one of my kids too? How much more can one person bear?

And as I sit here watching Asa sleep, my love for him overflowing so much my heart could burst, I can't help but ask "what else? - Is God going to take him too?" The thought of it makes me want to puke and I feel like I never want to leave my house again. How much more can one person bear?

This has been an unbelievably difficult week in every way possible.

DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM

2011-11-30T16:02:00.001-05:00

The conversation went like this:

(my words in italics)
How's the baby doing?
He's good, he's amazing.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah, he sleeps good - I mean, he's still a baby and still up a lot, but he is pretty content. Last night he gave me a 4 hour stretch.
Oh, and when that happens, we always get nervous that they stopped breathing and check on them... it's like 'you got some sleep, but I didn't'.
Well, I slept like a log, but I'm anxious like that all the time, not just at night. Yesterday they told me he has a heart murmur and I got nervous...(interruption)
I was born with one, nothing to worry about
yeah, my pediatrician told me it was benign and I trust her so I feel okay about it now, but I still worry about if he's going to die sleeping in his swing...(interruption)
Because of a heart murmur?? (add totally confused tone of voice here)
No, just in general, I worry about him all the time. After I had my baby die in my arms, it's hard not to.
Yeah, but that was different, she was a special situation. He's whole and healthy so you have nothing to worry about, you need to just relax.
That's easy for you to say (and I walked out as quickly as I could before I said anything I would regret)

Seriously? It's acceptable to worry about your baby sleeping for 4 hours without experiencing a loss - BUT if you've lost an "unwhole" baby before then you should know that your new "whole" baby will be fine cause he has a head and therefore worrying about his well being is somehow more unfounded then the 1000's of other women, who have never lost a child, racing to their crib to check if their "whole" babies are still breathing when they first sleep for a long span of time. UH HUH... right, that makes sense.

I made it almost through the door before I was sobbing. I stopped to talk to a friend who was in the lobby and this person came out to where we were. Instead of saying sorry, this is what I got:

"I wasn't trying to hurt you with anything I said"
I know you weren't
"Well the way you turned on your heels and left, I got the impression I said something that offended you"
It's just that everybody thinks they know, but nobody really gets it (Tears still flowing)
"Well, we might not get it but we're called to encourage each other and that's what I was trying to do"
and she turned and walked off.

OK, first of all....doesn't matter what you were "trying" to do - obviously it wasn't "encouraging" to point out that Rachel wasn't whole or to dismiss my feelings and fears. Just because her death was obviously coming doesn't mean that it makes no sense that I would worry more than normal now. Babies who die from SIDS are "whole and healthy" - and it's nobody's fault that they die... you can't see it coming. What do you say to those sweet mothers who have another baby and worry? Or do you expect them not to either? I suppose if they had "stronger faith" they wouldn't worry, right? But the mother whose baby sleeps for 4 hours... oh yeah, that worry is 'called for' and acceptable.

Second of all, when you hurt someone, "I'm sorry" means a whole lot more than a bunch of lame excuses. And if you really cared to encourage me, that's what would have been said when you realized that you did the exact opposite. I'm sorry I hurt you rather than "I'm called to do this" with the attitude that I just took it wrong. Jesus doesn't "call" anyone to be insensitive and uncompassionate. Sorry, not from Him. Nice try.

Third of all, my daughter was to "whole" and she wasn't a special "situation" she was my flesh and blood whom I love dearly and would give my life for. I would like it if people could refer to her as such - not some "thing" that is over now.

Fourth - sometimes it's good to just admit that you don't know it all... that maybe you have NO freaking clue how something might feel for someone instead of ASSUMING you know and callously telling them how they should respond to such a situation. AS. IF. YOU. KNOW. - YOU DON'T. You have NO CLUE. And no matter how "right" or "accurate" or even "biblical" what you're saying is.... if you aren't concerned with how people feel, you should NOT ask them how they are doing. And if you don't care how they FEEL, then don't play like you're trying to encourage them when what you're doing is trying to exhort at a totally inappropriate time.

And last but not least, DO NOT ASK ME HOW I AM EVER AGAIN. From now on, that is a question I refuse to answer. I honestly can't believe I was stupid enough to enter into that conversation to begin with. but I won't make that mistake again. And as a matter of fact, I'm done answering that question to anyone.

I left there and went to pick Isaiah up from school and someone said "Hi, how are you" and I said
"I've decided I'm not answering that question anymore" *smile*

I might sound (and look) crazy, but you know what? Who cares?? I end up being the crazy one anyway cause everyone has their excuses and their opinion on my reactions - and I'M ALWAYS THE BAD GUY. So I'm done. Nobody really cares to *really* know anyway... they want a "things are great" and if you have anything else to say, they are probably not even really listening cause they are already getting their spiritual answer ready to fire. F- that. I'm so sick of it. Oh how I wish I was the kind of person who didn't mind putting on a plastic face for people. Especially in a world - and even a church - where that is what people prefer. It would be easier for everyone, I guess.

I might be telling you about this one conversation today - that has very obviously put me over the edge (I started off this part of my journey on the brink of a breakdown as it was...) - but THIS IS MY LIFE.... MY CONSTANT INTERACTIONS....AND REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD. It's everywhere... church, my in-laws, "friends", people out in public.... I'm so sick of it that I can't even find the word to properly describe it. Digging a grave next to my daughter, jumping in and burying myself alive sounds better than having to endure one more heartless and judgemental conversation. And since that's obviously not an option, I am done entertaining any more stupid conversations with people just to be polite. Especially this week as I approach my girl's anniversary. I'm done nodding and smiling. done.

AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I WANT TO BE ALONE?? Wow. Yeah, can't imagine why I wouldn't want to deal with this s*#%. As if I don't have enough things to cry about and deal with. I think I have officially gotten completely over caring about people's opinions on what I do and how I handle this all. And the day that you have to walk a mile in my shoes, we can reasses your opinion of me... and I'll probably get that apology that I should have received today - or last week - or last month - or last August. Except I won't want it cause I'll already know how much your heart hurts.
How am I?? I'm great!!! How are you? *big FAKE smile*
Is that better??
So glad that makes you feel better.

Always in Our Hearts

2011-11-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

I got a message from my friend Jenn that works at Options for Women. She is the one heading the new Perinatal Hospice Program they used Rachel's 5K money towards. She said they had the training for the doctors and medical community yesterday and it went well. She said that Margery told them about Rachel and that some of them had a new perspective and had not really thought about it before. I pray that they will be the ones that mothers like me come across in their journey through a fatal prenatal diagnosis. What a blessing it will be to have people who understand and who treat them and their babies with dignity. I also pray that the medical community will be more likely to direct them to Options where they will find the support and encouragement they so desperately need. I can't believe all that has happened in less than one year since Rachel's birth....

So, Jenn is also making the cake for Rachel's birthday and she asked me what I wanted it to say. I have spent days thinking and couldn't come up with anything.... it should be an easy answer on my daughter's 1st birthday, but it's not. I had an idea this morning that maybe I should just write a verse on it since none of the normal stuff seemed to really "go". I thought since flowers have always been Rachel's thing and Jenn's putting some on the cake, I should put a verse about flowers. I googled and came up with Psalm 103

Verse 15 - As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field

Oh that's a good one, I thought... and then I continued on....

Verse 16 - the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

so this is why it's important to not take bible verses out of context... but all I can say is that when I read the 2nd half, I cried. Remembers her no more.... ? I hate that the day will one day come when I'm the only one who still remembers. I hate that it has happened to some extent already. I hate that the last year has gone by so fast when every single minute of it has been slow and painful. I hate that I can't just write Happy Birthday and have it make sense.

I've decided I'll probably write "Always in Our Hearts"

And even that sucks.

Dancing in the Manna

2011-11-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

The other day, in my post, I asked.... "Where is that hope now?" I long to "feel" that overwhelming sense of peace that I had, even in my darkest moments with Rachel and shortly after her death. I'm afraid I may be assuming that since so many people have moved on and wonder why I haven't stopped talking about Rachel yet - that maybe God feels the same way... maybe a "good Christian" would be so full of faith that they would be smiling by now -even if just in front of people. Maybe since I'm still so sad, maybe I'm doing something wrong.... I see the looks, hear it in the "encouraging" comments.... maybe if I just trusted God more, I would be able to just say "My daughter died, Praise the Lord!" And since I'm not there, and never will be, I start to wonder if God has forgotten me. I wonder if I can possibly be glorifying Him when even Christians judge me for the fact that I am still heavy hearted for my girl - and I'm completely okay with that.

Well, my Hope (Jesus) is never changing. I know that to be the absolute truth. So that only leaves one answer - I've moved away, not Him. Thankfully all of this writing, no matter how rough around the edges at times, does prove to be helpful in me working through some of the things that I probably wouldn't even know needed attention if I didn't write everything down. I'm thankful for your patience and love for me as I do this.... being vulnerable like this actually really stinks - I don't believe it's a mistake that God has me using this blog as a way to continue to grow in Him through my trials.... but being in the limelight through the hardest days of my life has been very hard. I know that most of you receive me without judgement, but the few times where that has not been the case have left some pretty deep wounds in my heart. I pray that God has purpose even in them.

As I considered the fact that for the first time in this journey, I am struggling so much to trust God, the thing that keeps coming to mind is manna.

I told you about the magazine I found... in one of the articles -titled "Peace that passes all understanding" by Ed Welch - he says this in reference to Exodus 16:

There are times when we will feel like destitute wanderers in the wilderness with little hope of food and water. God will then give us manna at the time we need it. He won't give us so much that we will have enough for tomorrow because then we would just start trusting in the manna rather than trusting Immanuel. (God with us).
God makes a promise. He will give you manna - or grace - when you need it, but not before. That means you will be anxious if you forecast the future because you are making your prediction based on the manna you have left over from today, and there is none. What you don't factor into your prediction is that you will receive fresh grace when you need it.

Losing Rachel made me stronger - even though I have felt nothing by weakness since August 4, 2010. Walking this road has given me the gift of wisdom, courage, determination, compassion - and I could go on and on. That baby girl was truly a gift to me. But the one thing that I have been left with, eating at my soul is fear - and it has been magnified in my journey with Asa. The daily pain of this road has left me scared to death that I will have to face something like this again. After Rachel's diagnosis, I had no idea how long it would hurt. I probably used to buy into the "grieving takes 1 year" lie that so many people think is in that non-existent handbook for how to handle loss. I'm kind of glad I didn't know. I'm glad I thought that it would hurt most at first and then progressively get better.... cause it doesn't. It's very up and down and totally unpredictable. It's been a long, hard road. But when I look back over the last year and a half....

I can see the manna that fell from heaven. Just when I needed it. The exact amount I needed. In the exact form I was hungry for. My God is the God Who Provides.

And so I have decided that in those moments, when I'm riddled with fear that Asa will be taken from me - or I'm avoiding a gathering because I just "can't handle" what comments or judgements I will have to endure - or I feel like I need to protect my heart since nobody else seems to.... When I feel all alone and unloved by detached in-laws who judge me and busy friends.... I'm just going to say "manna". And when I do, I'm going to remember every time along this path where my needs were met before I even knew I was hungry or thirsty. You see, because when God says he is with us... Immanuel.... He means he is doing something. He doesn't just sit there and watch his children fend for themselves. And my experience tells me that I have no reason to doubt that He will always be there for me.

This week leading up to Rachel's birthday has been painful. I can't believe it's been a year since I held my baby girl. But today, I stopped at her PO Box.... and manna! A whole bunch of cards for Rachel's birthday... from all over the state of NH, plus, NY, IN, MN.... We open that box to emptiness weekly and then today, just when my heart needed to know she hasn't been forgotten, I was overwhelmed by the cards we got. As I opened each card and read them to everyone at the dinner table, I cried a lot. Partly because I wish this wasn't my life, I wish she was still here - and partly because I'm so grateful to have all of your love.

We got home and there was a package on the steps... I opened it up and my friend Michelle had sent this beautiful music box that plays "Amazing Grace" - I cried some more... Thanks, Michelle!

And in one of the envelopes, a blog reader Megan sent me this key chain....Thank you!

It says: "Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

And did my girl ever love to dance... she's still teaching me the steps.
Thank You, Jesus, for today's manna.

Me & This Owl

2011-11-28T23:39:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh, the more I look at the photos that Erin Moore from Auntie Camera took of Asa, the more I want to put them ALL on here... but tonight, I want to share just one...

Do you know what's special about this photo? Well, besides the ridiculously cute baby in it?

This hat came in the mail the day I got home from the hospital with Asa. It was made by one of my blog readers, Keileigh. Now, as if the hat wasn't awesome enough... and the timing of receiving it wasn't just perfect...

Do you know what you can't tell by looking at this hat? The same thing that you can't tell by looking at me....

There is a piece of Rachel on the inside.

Keileigh tied a little pink bow on the inside in memory of Rachel. And so me & this owl have a couple things in common - we both really like being wrapped around Asa - and we both have Rachel's memory tucked away inside. Thanks Keileigh!

OK, and so I lied... I have to share one more cause it goes along with this post too....and well, I just can't get enough of this kid. This photo needs no explanation. She's always there with me.

My Battle

2011-11-27T17:24:00.000-05:00

Today I stepped out of my comfort zone and got myself to church. I made the decision to go about 25 minutes before we had to be there. I fully intended on hiding in the back and leaving promptly afterwards because I really just can't handle the stimulation that conversation after conversation brings. And I knew everyone was going to want to talk about and see Asa.

Well, we got there a few minutes late and they have started to escort people to seats that are still available since it gets so packed, (as a courtesy so you're not searching for a place to sit) but we got put right up front. They were the only open seats, so I'm assuming I was *supposed* to be there today. I have not sat in the front row since Rachel's funeral and so the timing was difficult. The Sunday before her birthday last year, the congregation prayed for us... this year, they announced our new baby boy. Trying to reconcile these two extremes in my heart is exhausting. The pain mixed with joy is overwhelmingly complicated. I cried a lot.

I was blessed by other people's efforts to help me balance the two though... I never checked the mail yesterday and on the way out this morning, saw that I got a gift card from my Aunt for Rachel's birthday. Then within minutes of being at church, Nancy handed me a gift card for Rachel's birthday. And I found a card at my seat with a gift card for Rachel's birthday and a gift for Asa from Willie & Cindy. Sue came up and gave me a hug, then kissed her hand and placed it on Asa's head and then on Rachel's handprint.... People are remembering her with me and I so need that. Thank you ♥

I wore Asa in his carrier - he loves to be on Mama's chest and I love being able to kiss him and tell him I love him every two minutes :o) (literally) We sang the "Revelation Song" and when we got to the verse that says:

Clothed in rainbows, of living color

Flashes of lightening rolls of thunder

Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be

To You the only wise King

As I was 'wearing' my rainbow baby - The living color that God has blessed me with - The name "wise King" stood out to me and God started to speak to my heart; bringing a few things that I had been reading this week all together. The next song? Mighty to Save. I've mentioned this one many times for the one line that says that Jesus conquered the grave. That Truth is the only reason I can go on after losing my baby girl... and every time I sing it, I thank God that she's not really left in that grave to rot away, but that she is truly with him in heaven. (I still HATE that her body is down there) Today though, I claimed the other verses, too:

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

I'm going to be blunt here. I've been FULL of fear, worry, anxiety where Asa is concerned. I'm convinced something is going to happen to him, that I'm not going to get to keep him, and I'm waiting for the ball to drop. I've refused to surrender to God's will because honestly, I'm having trouble trusting that I will like it. (as if I get a choice) As a matter of fact, I have first hand knowledge that I won't always like it.... and with what I've been through, I'm not really believing that it's working together for my good either. I just don't see it - and I'm really sick of people saying it to me. One more mushy card going on and on about how much "God loves us" ("us" meaning themselves, too) and I might puke. Not that I don't believe it, but when someone is hurting and you ignore that by using cliches, trying to sound super spiritual and avoiding the topic, it comes across as rather insincere at best. Those cards go straight in the trash - which, for someone who keeps everything, might tell you how I feel about them.

blah blah blah, back to the point - which that was NOT it. I hate this. But that is a good example of another reason that I am limiting the number of people and who I am around... I seem to have no filter on the things I say and I hate it. I'm just not in a good place. Hormones - no sleep - new baby - grieving and Rachel's anniversary... need I say more? Believe it or not, to some people, those aren't enough good reasons.... maybe those selfish people would be happier to know that it's probably in their best interest to not be around me so they aren't subjected to my mood swings and irrational thinking.

So let me tell you about the reading material that I "just happened" upon the other day. It's a Table Talk Magazine by Ligonier Ministries and RC Sproul. "Ironically" it has a picture of a tree and a sparrow on it (seen Asa's room??) and across it, it says: "Anxiety - and the sovereignty of God." As I've read through some of this, I know that there is no mistake that I'm reading it at this time in my life. I have a few things that I want to share, so I'll probably do a few posts this week on them.

I guess the bottom line is that I can't afford to turn from God now. I know there is a war waging for my soul and I would be stupid to let satan win. My God is faithful. He is with me. He will not leave or forsake me. I don't like the path He's allowed me to have to walk with Rachel, but I wasn't alone.

I just had to stop to nurse Asa and as I did, the music on my blog played through...each song reminding me of a time throughout the last year - right now as I write, "Hallelujah, Your love is amazing" is playing - the song we picked to play on her birthday last year. Where did I find the hope I had? It was given to me by God. Where is it now? Cause right now, I'm pissed. I picked Asa up to burp him, his body warm and squishy - why didn't God allow me to have these moments with Rachel? I hold his perfectly formed head in my hand and sob... why couldn't He have formed her? Why did He create me to be a nurturing mother and then take that role away from me?

And so goes the battle - one I never saw coming. Who am I to question God? I have no place - or benefit - in being upset with the maker of heaven and earth....and yet I can't seem to escape it. I hold this sweet baby boy that I am SO thankful for, who came straight from God Himself - and my heart screams at God "why couldn't I keep her?" and I hate it. I want to feel different. I want to be content - but I miss her more than words can describe and my heart hurts more than I knew it ever could. When will this let up?

I guess that blows the replacement theory right out the window - sorry to disappoint all who thought that Asa would fill Rachel's hole in my heart. Instead the spot he filled only accentuated the emptiness of hers.

Lord, thank you that you take me as you find me - fears, failures, doubts....all my imperfections. Thank you that your mercy and grace are new every morning - and are enough for me. I surrender again to you Lord Jesus...You're all I have. Fight this battle for me - please keep me close.

Isaiah's Birthday Party

2011-11-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

Last year for Isaiah's birthday, I had a party planned. But when I couldn't get myself out of bed that morning, my mom & sister came to my rescue and in a matter of a couple of hours, they picked up all the food & a cake and had my house cleaned and decorated so that Isaiah's party went as planned.

This year, with everything going on, we decided not to plan a party. The nice thing about a growing family is that we're kind of a party all by ourselves :o) We decided we would just do something together that Isaiah would enjoy - and of course, that meant bowling and eating cake. Matt assured me that Isaiah wouldn't care about anything else.

So, I felt like the worst mother ever when Isaiah said to me in his little raspy voice at 7am.... "when are all the people coming over with presents?" I just looked at Matt with the you said he wouldn't care look... I felt really bad. My kids have had one disappointment after another for almost 2 years now. They handle them very well and make me so proud that they aren't spoiled brats demanding to have things they want. However, as their mother, I want nothing more than to provide them with at least some of their 'wants' - and lately, I've been feeling super guilty about how I'm failing them in this area. On Wednesday I had Isaiah crying that I hadn't brought him to school yet and he was going to miss it again, Des was upset that she was going to be late for her Thanksgiving party and Sam was screaming over everything because he's jealous of the baby. And the bottom line? I just couldn't pull it all together and so once again, my kids missed out because of me.

I fed Asa and asked Matt to watch him while I went upstairs to nap. I haven't slept in my bed once since the week before Asa was born. I climbed in and the second my head hit the pillow, I was out. Des woke me up 3 hours later (the longest span of sleep I've had in forever!) telling me the baby was hungry. I looked at the clock... 10am. And so I did what any guilt stricken, exhausted, devoted Mama would do.... I pulled together a party for my boy. Well, let me rephrase that... my mom & sister did :o) I called them at 10:15 and at noon they were at my house and ready for a party. We kept it simple, but Isaiah had people to sing to him, his cousins to play with, and extra presents to open. Thanks Mom & Meg that I can always count on you.

Then we went bowling, which is an Aube favorite anyway... and he had a blast.

And while Daddy and the kids bowled, Mama & Asa hung out and cuddled. Asa slept through the entire outing!

And, as usual, Rachel made her presence known....the first number on the screen - 43. She's always with us, no matter how far apart we are.

Happy 5th Birthday Isaiah Matthew. I love you my little man. I thank God for you every single day.

Understanding My Heart

2011-11-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

One week from tomorrow, it will be Rachel's 1st birthday. I really can't believe it. It feels like forever and seems like it was yesterday at the same time. I hate that she was in my arms so long ago. I hate that time keeps going. I hate that I struggle to remember details about her and that my time with her was so short that there are things I didn't have time to burn into my memory.

Today is "Black Friday" and although I've never gone out shopping on this day before, my dad had planned to take the two older kids to his house for the day, and so I decided it was a good day to work on Christmas shopping. My sister watched Sam for the first run, we came home so I could eat lunch and nurse Asa and then me, Sam & Asa went back out. I cherished every moment with my 2 little boys at the store. Asa loves my baby carrier and slept the whole time, totally content on my chest - where I could run my face on his soft head any time I wanted - and Sam pointed out (and touched!) every single toy in the store as he shouted "look at this Mama!" and then when I said "oh, that's cool.... stay with me" He would yell "OK Mama!" and come trotting after me. If he accidentally moved an item from it's original place, he would stay there until he could get it back just the way it was. While we were out, we made our trip to the cemetery...

In the last 12 months, I have been at the cemetery every single Friday except two. I've visited many other days as well, but Fridays revolve around my visit to sit at my girl's grave. I have been blessed by others time and time again when I have arrived there to find that someone had visited and left me a little something. I know of a few people who visit her weekly just like I do and that makes my heart smile - to know I'm not the only one still thinking of her.

Sometimes I just go and fix things up pretty and then leave... others I sit and cry a while - and how I'm feeling on the way there, or even when I get there, doesn't seem to have anything to do with how I feel when I'm standing on top of that little rectangle of new grass.

I hate feeling so powerless over my emotions and not knowing what to expect or how things will affect me.

Last week, Asa & I came home from the hospital Thursday night. Friday we went to visit Rachel, but it was freezing out, so I left him in the car. Today was beautiful out - so I got Asa out of the car to tell him about his big sister.

It's a strange thing, kneeling at the very spot my precious baby girl's body is under while holding a baby just 10 days old. I never in my whole life imagined I'd ever have to endure these types of moments, days, weeks, months, years... I thought of the words in the song that I moved to play first on my blog last night....

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

And I realized that all of the uninterrupted alone time I'm seeking....every unanswered phone call, email, or knock on the door.... is another moment I get with Asa. It's another moment that hasn't been taken from me with him. It's another moment to hold him, burn his every detail into my memory.... time is all I have and it will never be enough - and it may not be as long as I hope for. It's the moments that were taken from me with Rachel. The moments I'd do anything to have. I don't want to miss them this time.

I had no idea how it would feel to hold him at Rachel's grave. Last week was an incredibly difficult visit where I cried harder than I have in a while. Today, sitting there, I held Asa a little tighter... loved him a little deeper.... and as I told him about his big sister Rachel and how much his Mama misses her, I cried a little and thanked God that he was alive and well.

But I walked away from that spot today understanding my heart a little better. I could try to put it into words, but the people who don't get it, never will...and the ones who do, don't need me to. As I've tried to make sense of these feelings I've had and my desire to be alone, I've wondered if I'm ever going to be my 'old self again' and if I was finally slipping into a depression. I can't say I've got that totally ruled out, but I can say that I don't think depression is my reason for retreating right now. It's hard for me to feel misunderstood or to not have approval from people. I hate feeling pressure from people to do what they want me to - or judgement from people who think they know more about me than I do. But I'm just going to have to get over that. This is just another season I have to walk through and I suppose, just like from last August until now, when I get to the other side of this part of my trial, I'll know who loves me for me. One thing I know for certain is that I won't ever regret cherishing these moments alone with my sweet baby.