tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-994000399661246952024-02-12T01:55:00.074-05:00Baby Rachel's LegacyOn August 4, 2010 our hearts broke as we heard the Dr. say "she has anencephaly...these babies don't live" at our 19 wk ultrasound. The Dr. is wrong. Our precious daughter's time on earth may be short, but she will live for eternity with our Lord in heaven. During the few months we have her here with us, we intend to make the most of every second of it. Our hope is that she will leave behind more than a few short memories, but that she will leave a legacy of what it means to hope in Jesus.Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.comBlogger908125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-11640038239204708152017-05-22T23:33:00.000-04:002017-05-22T23:33:31.852-04:00It Is Well With My Soul<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">My Sweet Girl, </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">It's been just over 7 years since I found out I was pregnant with you. And 7 years ago this week, you & I went to a woman's retreat together with our church where I was to share my testimony under the topic of Hope, with the verse Romans 5:5 - Hope does not disappoint us....</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You & I stood up there and I talked, as I usually do, for much longer than I intended about the amazing story of Redemption that God had given me when He came for me... both over 2000 years ago and when He invaded my life shortly after I had your big sister. I shared things most don't dare about my past and the darkest depths of my heart, only so I could reveal how amazingly God's grace had changed me and covered my sin...and when I finished 45 minutes later, you couldn't have heard a pin drop over only tears falling as people either wept with me or as they were encouraged in a situation in their own life through my story... but as I sat down, there was the loudest roll of thunder out of nowhere that caused a mixture of awe and laughter. God was SO in it. When that session was over, I went to my group of close friends and shared with them that I was pregnant again. The days were simple... exciting... uncomplicated... for a little while.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I don't know how much you truly know or are aware of the things that have happened since then. I don't know how many of the times 'you show up' in my day are actually caused by you. I tend to think it's God meeting me in that way and that He speaks my language and that maybe you get to watch and sometimes giggle as you see the joy that knowing you has brought me in the middle of the sadness that losing you has caused. But there is just so much I don't know about you. That's the hard part.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I wanted to write to you because if you were here and I had the things going on in my mind that I do today, I would share it with you. I would probably tell you at the counter in the kitchen or hanging out on the couch in the living room... but I'll settle for here until I get there....</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">It's been a long 7 years. I have felt more pain than I knew possible on this earth since I lost you. I had no idea I could physically ache so bad over missing you. Your life and death consumed me. And I'm ok with that because in that, God changed me. But it was often messy and I regularly felt like I failed you. See, I had this idea that if I was honest with everyone I cared about throughout my grief journey, that I would come to the end of the 'hard part' and our relationships would have gotten stronger and I would have no hard feelings left over. What I discovered, the very hard way, is that most people don't truly want to know how they hurt you, and so often, I caused more harm than good because I was regularly more hurt by the responses I received. People wrote me off and then the one thing I thought would help keep the relationships I cared about, actually did the opposite. Most of those relationships are healed now, but I absolutely hate that I hurt people in my journey with you - and that means that when people think of you, they will think of my inability to love well in the middle of it. I'm so sorry for that Rachel. I'm sorry to them, and to God, but I'm really sorry to you. I set out to make your story beautiful and I got in my own way sometimes.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I did so many big things for you, fueled by my pain - I had a vision for a playground and told you when you were with me, I was going to build you one - and I did. Over 100 people came together and helped erect that beautiful ark in memory of you and people who loved you from near and far sent money to fund it and local companies donated time and supplies and we gifted it to your church family at Grace. They loved you so much and loved us so well through that valley. Kids play on it all the time. I think you know that.... I think you also know that your story got the name of Jesus on the front page of the Foster's Daily Democrat multiple times. Your story brought people so much hope. And not because of who you were necessarily, but because of Who Jesus was to us in our saying goodbye to you. Truly, God has used you, Rachel. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">We held big 5K's... which required more work than I can fit into a letter and I'm amazed looking back I could even pull off since I was also pregnant for most of them... and then donated the money to other charities in your name. As things went along, one thing led to another and more fundraising and tons more effort later, I had a 501(c)3 called Baby Rachel's Legacy, in your memory. It was amazing - but if I'm honest, it was nothing I truly set out for or necessarily wanted. I just wanted to be able to do things for others and in order to get donations, which people will only give if they can get a write-off, you have to be tax-exempt.... and so I was. I suppose it only makes sense. I do the same things for your siblings - when something gets in the way of a goal involving them, I get through it. I guess this is the part of my personality that Nana always hoped I would use for good one day... the determined little girl who always fought for what I wanted... </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">So, to get to what I've been wanting to really talk to you about - over the past year or so, I've been praying about what direction I should go with your legacy. It's a lot of pressure to have your legacy be my responsibility. Technically, you wouldn't have one at all if I didn't share your story, my love for you, my pain in losing you, and my healing along the way. I know God gave you to me because He knew I would do that. And it's been humbling, amazing, overwhelming, painful and beautiful to see all the ways in which He has reached across the world and back with my vulnerability. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Somehow though, I feel the winds changing and if there is one thing I have learned along this road with you, my precious little girl, it's that I have to bend with the wind. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixkxGdZ_7p9yDSsw77G1cKfNZ8636iR3HKm39tWeJC4CYo-IcEFuPiPetmrha8bCmOW_o9jt_Urrh4deeUGxGhFmehQrANuQQPLU3xz7Bir488U0wEtH8mO52PqQ7c5lMOVD3HlVTFamM/s1600/IMG_20161209_161730569.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixkxGdZ_7p9yDSsw77G1cKfNZ8636iR3HKm39tWeJC4CYo-IcEFuPiPetmrha8bCmOW_o9jt_Urrh4deeUGxGhFmehQrANuQQPLU3xz7Bir488U0wEtH8mO52PqQ7c5lMOVD3HlVTFamM/s400/IMG_20161209_161730569.jpg" width="223" /></span></a><span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I have taken small steps - I closed your PO Box just after your last birthday in December... that was not an easy thing but I believe it was the beginning of testing out the waters of the new ocean I was about to swim in. The one I've had my eye on for a while but have been afraid to jump into. The truth is, most the time it was empty now. It used to be full all the time - for years I got mail there regularly and it was SO good for my heart. People have truly been much too good to me. This was the first year that on your birthday, there was no mail there. None. And I'm okay with that too. I had more mail in that box than I ever would have expected and it always came just when I needed it, but God knows, I don't need it anymore. I love getting mail for you, but my heart doesn't hurt if I don't. That healing is a gift and I'm going to open it and take it home!! </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">But then somehow, after closing the PO Box, I started getting way more mail at our home - all applications for headstone assistance. And I noticed that not only was I not able to keep up with it from a business stand point, I wasn't able to keep up with it with the energy in my heart and mind. Constantly reading stories about how babies died was wearing me down. And so one day as I stood looking at a stack of applications that I had been procrastinating on, I heard myself say out loud "I don't want to do this anymore." and I heard God whisper to my heart "You don't have to." And so began the process of closing our nonprofit - which I am not currently referring to as "Baby Rachel's Legacy" because I am NOT closing your legacy - I should have never named a business your 'legacy' because it isn't. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been contemplating the question - What do I want Rachel's Legacy to be? And Is the nonprofit accomplishing that? A legacy is so much more than being a 501(c)3 and giving people money. I have always wanted your legacy - what people think of when they remember you - to be one of what you taught me - learning to dance in the rain, to love deeper and for life to be more meaningful. To not waste time with the ones you love. To have more love than can fit into a minute of life. To hope in Jesus and the promise of heaven when life has more pain than one can bear. And I love helping people - but honestly, I think my blog helps people in a way that money towards a stone - or even a care package - never could. So that is probably time better spent, if I spend any at all, and I'm not sure if I will unless God tells me to share something. There is already so much here and people are still reading it, even the very first posts.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been thinking that I'm going to start having a cookout each year to celebrate you. We have the space now and loving my family and friends is much more my style than trying to round up support for another fundraiser! I'm SO TIRED of that! LOL!! I want food and fun and just conversation - normal conversation that doesn't involve dead babies. Not that I won't talk about YOU, but YOU ARE ALIVE and that's what I want to focus on. I don't even need to tell people we are celebrating you when we invite them - I'm thinking the people who love you most do that often all by themselves. That's your legacy.... and you are so loved. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px;">Now, onto what happened to me this weekend... I went to that same woman's retreat you & I went to. It was one of the only 2 times I've ever been in 12 years where I was not either pregnant or there with a nursing baby! (although I did have to pump for your baby sister!) The theme was "Living Hope" this year! I got to sit next to Jill for sessions and worship and I was able to apologize to a couple more people who I didn't love well in my pain and I just felt like God truly is bringing my life without you full circle. Like he is truly healing depths in my heart I didn't know could be reached... and I cried. A lot. But I cried with a smile. And for the first time since you left, I sang "It Is Well with My Soul" and truly meant it with everything in me that I am okay that you are not here. I am full of joy for you that you are with the Lord and that this earth can't hold you. You have the better part and I am so thankful for that. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">I keep thinking about the verse that God gave me the first week after your diagnosis -</span></div>
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<i id="yiv8825677138yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1493044068676_17390" style="-webkit-padding-start: 0px;"><span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ - and that is from the book of Philippians 1:6 (the book of Joy)...</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">The number 7 is symbolic of completion in the Bible too. Seems 'ironic' doesn't it, that he would lead me to this place in year 7? After baby # 7... Eden Joy... 4 boys 3 girls... ♥ 43 ♥ God speaks my language!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">I am far from complete - but you are - and I know my missing you will never end on this side of heaven. But, I know God will meet me in any sadness I feel as a result of letting this go. I also know that it's not you and I don't have to let you go. You are with us everywhere because you are with Jesus and He is in us. Nothing can separate us. Death has no victory!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">I plan to take whatever that sadness may be and pour it into your siblings, who are growing up way too fast and your Daddy who I love more than life itself. I believe that I have truly made it through 6 long years of hard work with this thing we call grief - and now God, our Father is telling me to prepare to rest on year 7... Rest in His promises... Rest in how valuable you are to Him and to me... Rest in His faithfulness and mercy and grace and strength... And rest in the truth that the family I have needs me more than any other person I might help through this nonprofit... Not that anything I have done in the past was bad or wrong - God was leading me then too! And that is just the beauty of it... if you were here, you would need different things at different ages and I love that God is giving me the closest thing to that experience as possible without you here.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">I have begun the paperwork and the only thing I can compare the feeling to is when we sold our last house - it's emotional handing over the keys to something you have poured your heart and soul into for so many years, but after closing at the table as the seller, you sit at another one and close as a buyer and get a new set of keys to something you love even more.... and I'm so excited to see what God does and how he weaves you into it all, which I KNOW He will do, after I turn these keys in.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">Rachel Alice, I am so glad I'm your Mama. I am so thankful for every tear, every disappointment and every ounce of pain that forced me to lean on God. I know Him better because of you. I remember the days I had with you like they were yesterday and I promise that my days and our home will never be absent of you. I could never forget you and I will not stop sharing about you, saying your name, or loving you. As a matter of fact, I talk about you so comfortably now that some people don't realize you aren't here with us. I like it that way. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">I love you pretty girl. You are forever my child.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">Love & Hope, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mama</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; font-family: inherit;">This is a song that we sang this weekend that really ministered to my heart - especially the part that says "while I'm waiting, I'm not waiting, I know heaven lives in me." I love that.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Whether now or then</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Death is not my end</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven waits for me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Though the road seems long</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'll never walk alone</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And I got all I need to sing</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You love me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You found me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You saved me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And Your grace will never fail me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And while I'm waiting</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'm not waiting</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven lives in me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Should I suffer long</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">This is not my home</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven waits for me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And though the night is dark</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Heaven owns my heart</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And I got all I need to sing</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You love me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You found me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You saved me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And Your grace will never fail me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And while I'm waiting</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'm not waiting</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven lives in me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">So I will sing like I will there</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">In the fearless light of glory</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Where the darkness cannot find me</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And Your face is all I see</span></div>
<br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Oh I will sing like a man</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">With no sickness in my body</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Like no prison walls can hold me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I will sing like I am free</span></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">'Cause I know You love me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You found me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You saved me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And Your grace will never fail me</span></div>
<br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And while I'm waiting</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'm not waiting</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven lives in me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You love me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You found me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know You saved me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And Your grace will never fail me</span></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And while I'm waiting</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'm not waiting</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I know Heaven lives in me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="verse" priority_psa_not_processed="" psa_not_processed="" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'll sing Holy, Holy</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">My heart, cries Holy</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">As it is, in Heaven</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">It is in me</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">We'll sing Holy, Holy</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">The earth, cries Holy</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">As it is, in Heaven</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">So let it be</span></div>
<br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/as-it-is-in-heaven-lyrics-hillsong-worship.html#ixzz4hrnwMO5D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #003399; font-family: proxnov-sbold, arial, sans-serif; font-size: medium; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;"></a><a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/as-it-is-in-heaven-lyrics-hillsong-worship.html#ixzz4hrnwMO5D" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #003399; outline: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;">Hillsong Worship - As It Is (In Heaven) </a></div>
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Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-58952357667067141642017-04-21T00:03:00.001-04:002017-04-21T00:03:16.777-04:00Long SaturdaySo, I guess that's a record...4 months without writing. I have sort of resorted to smaller Facebook posts to journal my continued journey without Rachel since spare time is something I have nothing of these days. I'm okay with it, I suppose it's a natural progression of life moving on - even if some days my heart is planted back in 2010.<br />
<br />
It's been a wild 6 weeks - Matt had to leave state for a work trip and I planned on staying home with the kids for most of it, with a visit or two in between. And then that Monday morning he left. And I missed him the very second he walked out the door. We got news that there was a big storm coming that next day - 2 feet of snow expected. Isaiah had an appointment at the cardiologist for a heart issue he's been having and while we were there, I discovered Asa had conjunctivitis, so by the time I got done with the cardiologist and the urgent care... and then the pharmacy - it was 5pm... but being who I am, I started packing and at 9:20pm, we got in the truck and headed out for the 3 hour drive to where my man was. <br />
<br />
We spent the next 4 weeks in a hotel room together, doing our school work and taking field trips while Matt worked and then getting to eat dinner with him before he was falling asleep sitting up after a 12.5 hour shift each day - but there was nowhere else I'd rather be than next to him. (and missing multiple big snow storms while we walked around in 60 degree weather!) <br />
<br />
We ended up coming home a week before him and on Good Friday, he was allowed to leave a few days early because we got news that his Memere wasn't doing well. He got home that night after 10pm and the next day, we drove 3 hours north to visit his Memere for what would turn out to be the last time we would see her here on earth. I'm so thankful for him that we were able to make that trip.<br />
<br />
On Good Friday, I had wanted to visit Rachel like we usually do and I just couldn't make it happen. The kids and I went to the service at church that night and although Ezra distracted me from a lot of it, I was so thankful to be there and to have 6 of my kids here with me and to know that my 7th is safe in heaven because of that very day. I decided we'd go visit Rachel Sunday instead.<br />
<br />
Matt's grandparents have been married for 72 years. They lived in the same house for most of their lives and it wasn't too long ago that his Memere ended up needing more care than his Pepere could give and was moved into a nursing home. Pepere visited all the time of course, even trying to break her out of there at one point, which was a great story... it wasn't too much longer and he was moved into the same home and the two of them ended up in rooms next to each other with a bathroom in the middle that they shared. <br />
<br />
I know nobody ever wants to live in a nursing home, but if I make it to my 90's and Matt & I can go together, it would be okay. I've found that most everything in life is okay if I have him with me, holding my hand. Marriage is a true gift from God and his grandparent's lifetime of love through good and bad, joy and sorrow, sickness and in health, until death separated them is something I think most of us admire and would love to know ourselves. <br />
<br />
Last Saturday - the day between Good Friday and Easter - we were visiting them and his Memere was not responding, although I know she knew we were there. At one point it was just me and them in the room and his Pepere got down on his knees on that hard floor and held her hand. He told her over and over how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. I'm telling you, my heart was both in awe and breaking at the same time. I cried standing there watching him just love on his bride. So much went through my mind.... how hard it must be for him, and for their kids - how on earth you say goodbye to someone you've spent your entire life with... how painful life can be even when it's long and happy... how amazing their story is... how much I hope Matt & I get that much time together... and how fast time goes by. <br />
<br />
But the one thought that I just couldn't shake is that the day before we remembered Jesus' death on the cross - and the day after, we would celebrate his resurrection... the day He overcame death and conquered the grave... the hope of eternity and that heaven is REAL... But in between those two amazing days, there was Saturday.<br />
<br />
Back in Jesus' day, his followers were heartbroken on Saturday. They didn't know that the next day, He would rise from the dead. They had just watched him die and were shattered by the pain, I'm sure. We are blessed with knowing the ending to the story, but that doesn't mean the pages between the beginning and the end won't bring us to our knees.<br />
<br />
I remember going to visit Rachel in the funeral home on the way home from the hospital and, even though I had just had a major surgery, I dropped to my knees at the sight of her on that couch, and told her how pretty she was and how much I loved her over and over and over....<br />
<br />
And there I stood, watching his Pepere do the same thing with his bride of 72 years and all I could do was cry and pray... <br />
<br />
Because Friday had come and gone and Sunday wasn't here yet... It was still Saturday and Saturday hurts sometimes. Even when you know that Sunday is coming. <br />
<br />
I leaned over to say goodbye to Memere and I whispered "When you get there, give Rachel a hug for me, ok?" and I know that happened. And one day, when my long Saturday here on earth is over, I will do the same. <br />
<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-51385984742941784862016-12-27T08:19:00.000-05:002016-12-27T08:19:16.622-05:00I Had to Let It Go...Christmas Eve, I was standing in my bedroom gathering the filled stockings to bring downstairs when it hit me....<br />
<br />
I didn't bring Rachel her stocking.<br />
<br />
It felt like I got punched in the gut. My eyes shut with the pain and I stood there trying to breathe through it for a minute, knowing if I started to cry, I might never stop. <br />
<br />
I thought for a minute about the options. I could run down to the cemetery and get it hung just so my heart felt better... so I hadn't neglected my tradition with my girl... so I didn't feel like I had forgotten her... <br />
<br />
<i>But where is her stocking at this point in our house renovations, anyway?!</i> <br />
<br />
I had to let it go. <br />
<br />
I came down and hung up the stockings on this beautiful entryway decor Matt built me. He was very gracious to make my Pin on Pinterest a part of our home for me... but you know I wanted 7 hooks. I wanted Rachel to have one like she did at our old house - obviously not for her to use, but for my heart to know she was acknowledged. We ended up deciding while designing it that there wasn't enough space to add a 7th hook in the hallway's space... and because we have no mantle, I cleared the coats off of the entryway hooks to use those. It seemed the perfect solution until it hit me....<br />
<br />
I have nowhere to hang her stocking here.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDTVlCvc93f61isgUFb3-LGMumopmINs1oAJRIoCpeKJv42RgrenUj2U3N6CscsHh6CWNtgUGilNsw4gIxVHmcbZztKiqk6PZZGxp448hwOdSI2oZmDFeA4Ma6GO9U_HPVoulb1YMXAP0/s1600/IMG_20161224_225425307.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDTVlCvc93f61isgUFb3-LGMumopmINs1oAJRIoCpeKJv42RgrenUj2U3N6CscsHh6CWNtgUGilNsw4gIxVHmcbZztKiqk6PZZGxp448hwOdSI2oZmDFeA4Ma6GO9U_HPVoulb1YMXAP0/s400/IMG_20161224_225425307.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I ended up hanging it with Eden's. That works for now...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
My eyes welled up. I looked around for other solutions. Mine and Matt's didn't fit there either... but that doesn't sting. Rachel is one of our children.... she should have a stocking hanging... I always use her stocking or Easter basket as a place to put the candy we all share - kind of like treats from heaven... but I'm the only one who seems to even notice or care. Everyone else has their stocking and candy... or basket... or hook....<br />
<br />
<i>But what will I do, set up my home constantly for a 7th kid who isn't here?</i><br />
<br />
I had to let it go.<br />
<br />
Christmas morning was a beautiful gift with this precious family God gave me. Memories of last year when Eden was born and those first newborn grunts and figuring each other out flooded my mind and heart. I'm so thankful for her. Her birthday on Christmas Eve was hard because we were so busy getting ready for Christmas that I didn't get to slow down with her like I wanted... but I can make changes for next year... Rachel though... I never got the chance to try again for her. I never got the chance to re-do anything I wasn't happy with. I don't have the opportunity to show her in a different way... be more creative... take a different picture...<br />
<br />
I had to... still have to... let it go. Constantly have to let it go. Repeatedly let it go. <br />
<br />
And it's not easy, although I do it more gracefully than I used to - if not letting other people in on how hard it is is considered 'graceful'.... <br />
<br />
After all the excitement from Christmas morning settled, we got ready, I put a daisy pin in my hair, and we headed to the cemetery. We got hot chocolate on the way... and Asa decided it was too hot, pulled the cover off and dumped it all over his lap. We pulled over and yanked him out of the car to get the heat of it off his skin. I had an old bag of clothes someone had given us in the trunk and was able to find him clothes... but in the bag, the reason it was going to the Goodwill... it was a bunch of girls clothes I forgot were in there. They came months ago, mixed in with boy clothes someone gave us - and just happened to be a size 6. So there we were on the side of the road... on the way to the cemetery for our 7th Christmas in a row... and I'm going through girls size 6 clothes. And as I put them on Asa just so we could make it to the cemetery and not have to go back home, my heart hurt... yet I knew it was a gift of provision for me (both the clothes being there and that Asa didn't noticed they were girls so he didn't refuse putting them on!)<br />
<br />
And so I climbed back in the truck, brushed it off and let it go....<br />
<br />
We arrived at Rachel's grave much later than we wanted. But as we put the truck in park, Des said "Hey, it's 4:30!" And it was... which was a kiss from heaven, yet meant it was dark. And dark enough for me to immediately notice her Christmas lights were not working. Her tree was tipped over... her decor I put on top of her stone had fallen off... which meant so did the solar light battery that was now upside down in the snow.... the beautiful vase my friend Nicole had left on Rachel's birthday was sitting in frozen water and broke the second I touched it... once again, a result of my failing to get to her and keep her grave like I used to.<br />
<br />
Matt helped me get it all picked up. I hung her Hope stocking - not the one I usually hang on Christmas Eve, but the one I meant to hang ON HER BIRTHDAY that was still in my truck because I forgot and never made it back... and things were back in place... it looked orderly again...<br />
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<br />
<i>But it was so dark.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I hate her grave being dark. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
For years, I have done everything I can to make sure the darkness of the night doesn't take over that sacred space of earth. Solar lights in all shapes and sizes have helped my heart keep her name visable. And yet, this year, I have failed at that. I know Hope is still there. But this year, the rest of the world felt to be spinning at a pace that the cemetery couldn't keep up with... rephrase that... that I couldn't keep up with. The cemetery was full of people leaving things for those they have loved and lost....<br />
<br />
<i>Maybe I should have gotten a wreath on a headstone hook like she did...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Or brought down a live Christmas tree like he did...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Or left my shepherd's hook up, despite the new cemetery rules, like they did...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Or maybe I should have come and taken care of my baby's grave like I always have. I closed my eyes and cried. And I guess I needed that because Matt stood next to me as I cried for quite a while in the cold, dark cemetery on Christmas. He didn't say anything except one sentence... "Sometimes it's hard to remember..."<br />
<br />
I have no idea what he meant because I waited for him to finish his thought, but he never did and I was crying too hard to ask. Maybe he meant it's 'hard'... as in not easy on the heart to remember. Or maybe he the emphasis was on 'to remember' as in it's easy to forget. Or maybe he didn't even know what he meant - maybe he was talking about the details of her birthday, all we went through... or maybe he was just as disappointed with how her grave looked. He's been used to me always keeping it presentable and nice. It's never felt like that there. Maybe he even just meant it's hard to remember what you were about to say....<br />
<br />
It's just all so complicated. Life, love, loss. Grieving while living. Living while dying. Dying before you live. How much colder, darker, and more windy it is in the middle of a cemetery.<br />
<br />
How can I feel so healed and have that be part of my pain? It seems only a conundrum of those who have to walk through life without a child. It's just not supposed to be this way. <br />
<br />
We drove away from her dark grave and brought the kids on a hunt for Christmas lights. And while I oohed and ahhhed with them, it felt so wrong... to be surrounded by so many lights... the music... the Christmas cheer - while my baby girl is in that cold, dark cemetery... but I know there is Hope. And I know It doesn't disappoint...<br />
<br />
And so I had to let it go...Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-13908379764076968452016-12-10T01:43:00.000-05:002016-12-10T01:43:14.025-05:00Light and Life6 years ago, I had to leave my little girl at the cemetery. That night was one of the longest, hardest nights of my entire life. I did lots of things to keep myself busy, like write in her funeral book as if it were her baby book... but eventually it was just me and her blanket, sitting on the couch - and I literally had to fight the urge to go dig her up. <br />
<br />
It was excruciating.<br />
<br />
Today I wanted to go visit her and bring her a couple of things I forgot on her birthday. One thing after another kept me from getting there. I was disappointed, but decided that I'd do something here for her instead. <br />
<br />
A couple of days ago, I got a message from the mom who we got the blankets and hot chocolate for. She wanted to know if we had a tree already. I told her yes, but it's a fake tree we were given in our old house - and because of cost and space, we used it, but didn't really love it. We had talked about how next year we wanted to get a real one - but God had other plans! The next morning, she pulled into our driveway and gave us a beautiful real Evergreen....<br />
<br />
I love Christmas trees and what they represent - the ever-living tree. It's the only one that stays alive through the winter. The rest lose their leaves until spring, but not the Christmas tree... This is what makes it the perfect tree to put up to celebrate Jesus. He is alive!<br />
<br />
Today I asked Matt to bring it in while I ran some errands and then I planned to set it up tonight. And no sooner did I get home and eat and the electricity went out. Matt had brought Des to dance so me and Eden and the boys lit some candles and snuggled on the couch together and talked. We made animals out of hand shadows on the wall. Isaiah kept saying how he loved that losing electricity helped us to "have some down time." I didn't know he needed it so much - and I didn't know I did either. But it was awesome. We finally decided we should get the kids to bed since it was after 9pm and got them all tucked in. The *very* minute we said goodnight, the lights came on! <br />
<br />
I came down and started putting lights on the real tree. The smell brought me back to my childhood - and even to the days before Rachel. I had not remembered that we always had a real tree, even in 2010, until the year after Rachel died in 2011 when a friend gave us this fake one. <br />
<br />
As a kid, my mom used to send me with other people to pick out (well anything I needed to buy...I was horrible to shop with) Christmas trees. Because when I say they had to be 'perfect' I mean to tell you it took me hours. If a tree had even a hole in the spot that would be in the back, NOPE! Put it back. If it was at all lopsided, forget it. Too fat, uh uh. Too skinny, blah! I've let go of *some* of that OCD since then. :o) Well, this tree is one I would have picked as a kid. And it reaches right up to our ceiling. The tip of the star is touching it. <br />
<br />
At first I was just going to get the lights on and let the kids transfer the ornaments in the morning. But I kept going. I realized this was exactly what I needed this year - imagine that - God knew! I put everything except our new ornaments from this year on and will let them do that in the morning, but it looks so pretty... so bright... so alive! And the smell through my house is proof that it is.<br />
<br />
It took me quite a while with a few interruptions from kids waking up. I finished it and picked up my phone to take a picture and it was 12:03. You seriously cannot make this stuff up. <br />
<br />
This Christmas tree is yet another symbol of my healing process... and another love note from God to remind me that she is ALIVE. She is forever living. Evergreen with Jesus. I may have had to walk away from her body in the cemetery 6 years ago - but she was more alive then ever before as I did. Her light shines bright for all to see. The aroma of her life has remained. <br />
<br />
This Christmas is the first one that hasn't hurt as it approaches since she left... and it so happens that I once again have a real tree in the house as it does... ? I don't believe it's a coincidence. Especially since I didn't go out searching or expecting to get a tree.<br />
<br />
As we walk through these next couple of weeks and remember Rachel while celebrating her little sister's birthday and our Savior's birthday... as we connect with family and friends - I will breathe deep the scent of life in this tree and memorize the glow of light off it's branches, and let it serve as a reminder of the light and life that is here because of Rachel and that is in heaven with her each moment we're apart. <br />
<br />
I will thank God for my Christmas baby(ies) and His.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMIIt8TANctzAHgYzO7ShCf0fFEXWURPwD-mrFIxKNOHuksjbkCc2FK2Bzcv8Ewhqc1_7IaF-ZCuHWlLI1mCXYhMn5v2rvKjRFuuQYhBVUWHj1gP2loZazMqqjidih3ZLL0WEjkDBCX4/s1600/DSC_0124-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMIIt8TANctzAHgYzO7ShCf0fFEXWURPwD-mrFIxKNOHuksjbkCc2FK2Bzcv8Ewhqc1_7IaF-ZCuHWlLI1mCXYhMn5v2rvKjRFuuQYhBVUWHj1gP2loZazMqqjidih3ZLL0WEjkDBCX4/s400/DSC_0124-001.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">our old tree on the left. - Rachel's 1st Christmas tree is on her hope chest to the right</td></tr>
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-14331141461900362582016-12-08T10:20:00.001-05:002016-12-08T10:20:21.930-05:00Happy 6th Birthday, Rachel ♥The night before Rachel's birthday this year was very similar to the one in 2010 - I got no sleep. I was up late anyway, getting myself prepared for the day to follow - I made caramel brownies and after the clock turned midnight, Matt & I lit a candle and shared a treat, thinking about our girl.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsIbTDcSs948jPG-M5opr8vPRXJql_5hmR0CXZqpZIiTdmFtYgLYbAr9Z2X0OH58GGgn4rMwh8xAW9L0UKoanIV-6jkE0lzflRGFNNs1cFWeKumRsTv2GdKFsdSSre-hE0N3MDuIGcyu4/s1600/brownie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsIbTDcSs948jPG-M5opr8vPRXJql_5hmR0CXZqpZIiTdmFtYgLYbAr9Z2X0OH58GGgn4rMwh8xAW9L0UKoanIV-6jkE0lzflRGFNNs1cFWeKumRsTv2GdKFsdSSre-hE0N3MDuIGcyu4/s400/brownie.jpg" width="223" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As I lit the candle, I looked at the time - 12:03 ♥</td></tr>
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But then Eden and Asa both weren't feeling well and between the two of them, we were up constantly. At one point when Eden was up nursing for the 5th or 6th time between 2-6am, Matt said "This is ridiculous." Without thinking twice, I responded, "At least she's not dead."<br />
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And so began our 6th birthday without Rachel Alice... She's still not here. She's still missed. She's still changing my perspective in every day - in a million ways. She still gives me a reason to dance in the rain.<br />
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Later, I woke up and quickly looked at the clock to make sure I didn't stay in bed so late as to mess up my plans for her day. It was before 8am, so I hopped out of bed and starting getting ready. Our first stop was to be the Christmas Dove to pick out ornaments for the kids. In years past, we have had the tradition of setting up our tree and Rachel's tree, as well as turning on our Christmas lights for the season but last year I felt like the entire day was hurried and stressful so I changed things this year. We set up our tree the weekend of Thanksgiving and the lights during the week before her birthday. And I got her tree decorated and ready to go the night before.<br />
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I woke up to a gift from Matt on the counter. The card had a dandelion on it and said "It was a good day" and on the inside it read, "Because of YOU" Ironically, I decided not to read the card until that night because I was trying to avoid crying so by the time I read it, I knew we had a good day this year, too... but his words of affirmation and thanks for all I did to celebrate Rachel and share her with the world was really good for my heart. He told me he thought the "Hello Sunshine" art would be good for Eden's room, but had lots of Rachel things on it. ♥<br />
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We piled into the truck and stopped to get hot chocolate on the way to the Christmas dove. <br />
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Matt mentioned it was a nice day, which prompted me to look at the temperature. Should we be surprised?! #Godspeaksmylanguage !!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A friend also sent me a pic of her thermometer at 43 degrees in NC - not too often NH and NC have the same temp!</td></tr>
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Our time at the Christmas Dove was amazing... It put my heart in the Christmas spirit, allowed the kids to be personally involved and excited about Rachel's birthday plans, gave me the ability to pick something specific to where my heart is with Rachel right now, as well as celebrate the time I have with her siblings and Daddy. I mean, it was perfect. My friend Claire works there and helped me with some decisions and personalized them for us - and then bought them for us as a gift! Not only did each of the kids get to pick an ornament, but Matt & I got a new home one and one for Rachel and then we got a sled for Eden and Ezra since they weren't with us when a blog reader bought the rest of them sleds in 2010. We also got a "1st Christmas" for Eden and dated it for last year since she was born on Christmas Eve, this is her 2nd Christmas! We picked a glittery dove that says "In our hearts forever" for Rachel. The dove reminds us of the dove that carried the fig leaf to the ark to show land was near - the hope and celebration of the end of the storm... and also our first year getting our ornaments on her birthday at the Christmas Dove! <br />
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Each year I give my kids a new, personalized ornament, usually one I made and write on myself. But I get them all matching ones because that's what *I* like. This is so awesome because when we look at the ornaments years from now, we will remember what each of them liked in 2016. This is definitely going to be our new tradition for Rachel's birthday - it was so full of meaning, yet simple.<br />
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We left there and went to Rachel's grave. I wish I could put into words what it feels like driving into that cemetery year after year - but there are not words to suffice. When the Bible talks about 'groaning that words cannot express', I think that would come close. It's just not right. It feels so wrong to drive into a cemetery on my child's birthday. <br />
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The first thing I noticed is that, once again, all the leaves have gathered at her stone. There isn't another stone near her that catches leaves like this - it makes me smile thinking of her jumping in leaves. I don't think there are dead leaves in heaven, but just like a dandelion gone to seed, a pile of leaves is one of those things that kids just love by default. I'm sure they'd make her smile too.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">and of course, right next to the leaves... a pretty dandelion ♥</td></tr>
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We set up her tree, which looks so pretty. We had to simplify this year because of the cemetery's new rules, but I'm actually feeling good about it. We sang Happy Birthday and shared some of the caramel brownies I had made the night before.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1MJnAXJTeQxddz4lu32pRS-0huoXOm5htDZqqHJkcy-GSkLbSkrtMGWfKcbpcL1QDT76N30cyJfSPXifbf1EK-ix5vI7zI4SKSrtA-nw04c-4kRqSTApfE5GZ8SHt0iS4ybqm545loYE/s1600/IMG_20161203_120116118_HDR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1MJnAXJTeQxddz4lu32pRS-0huoXOm5htDZqqHJkcy-GSkLbSkrtMGWfKcbpcL1QDT76N30cyJfSPXifbf1EK-ix5vI7zI4SKSrtA-nw04c-4kRqSTApfE5GZ8SHt0iS4ybqm545loYE/s400/IMG_20161203_120116118_HDR.jpg" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It might sound morbid, but when we take photos here, I can't help but think how our names are on this stone too and that one day, our bodies will be beneath this ground. I hope it brings my children comfort as they miss us to know they spent so much time with us here - and have the photos to prove it. I love them more than life itself. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_aB0Yi4IXS9lhPvzJoTKVRlMJe36YDHJjSgOFQ-D8uiEpQMM7iDUC3I8C1UqB7VkjPq2Vts0X8MXqROmsiReEG9ta7SCCLXBVoXsRsICehD3U8T8KLtbEwysmfrSJ_ZaVwCOMXlXlybg/s1600/IMG_20161203_120159998_HDR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_aB0Yi4IXS9lhPvzJoTKVRlMJe36YDHJjSgOFQ-D8uiEpQMM7iDUC3I8C1UqB7VkjPq2Vts0X8MXqROmsiReEG9ta7SCCLXBVoXsRsICehD3U8T8KLtbEwysmfrSJ_ZaVwCOMXlXlybg/s400/IMG_20161203_120159998_HDR.jpg" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My big girl... she's taller than me now!</td></tr>
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We stopped and had lunch and then came home to eat her cake. I had not planned a cake and was happily surprised to see my mom had bought this special cake for Rachel. She had it made gluten and dairy free for us. She told me the woman who made it looked at my blog to get the detail ideas and it was PERFECT in every way! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig9jPQi-MfLbJQBKigdddSdHCUHcFoxhvDbpyTWLgVZeIZn718Fcv3-RB5itd3yP6rrbv2OaLPBOrWpHnDpB9Atu7-VuhiaMXl9j66SfCLw-RLVjYx7_WNRNyDH11gy5jPo_wMuGR-BLs/s1600/DSC_0099-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig9jPQi-MfLbJQBKigdddSdHCUHcFoxhvDbpyTWLgVZeIZn718Fcv3-RB5itd3yP6rrbv2OaLPBOrWpHnDpB9Atu7-VuhiaMXl9j66SfCLw-RLVjYx7_WNRNyDH11gy5jPo_wMuGR-BLs/s400/DSC_0099-001.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The ballerina with daisies in her hair, the anchor, the 3 rainbows.. all of it. and it was yummy :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5r3z5QaolJ1_RUPNwbQBScHsvqu1tAA6xTP8vhOAI3CSOr-Nl3tqNOr4FxLeAdiTnUjcGqweyezB4zVH5WqmX_4HkQgo7G2B-fzywneRYC0Vb6LrSoeUMobLj5eXKhQsoATUPOxBeZM/s1600/DSC_0100-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5r3z5QaolJ1_RUPNwbQBScHsvqu1tAA6xTP8vhOAI3CSOr-Nl3tqNOr4FxLeAdiTnUjcGqweyezB4zVH5WqmX_4HkQgo7G2B-fzywneRYC0Vb6LrSoeUMobLj5eXKhQsoATUPOxBeZM/s400/DSC_0100-001.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The kids wanted to get "trick" candles that couldn't be blown out. So we blew on them and they lit up again... I felt like it was so much like Rachel. Her light can't be blown out. While the kids gathered around and laughed, trying to blow it out, I stood back and watched on, ever mindful of another message from God on this special day. </td></tr>
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After cake, I actually went out by myself to use a massage gift certificate that a friend had given me for Rachel's 4th birthday that I had not used yet! It was 110 minutes! I've never had a massage that long before and it was nice. Kind of odd being out doing regular things on her birthday though. I stopped at Old Navy to make a return on the way home from there. Suddenly standing in line I had an intense urge to go to her grave, feeling like I hadn't been yet that day. It was like what I was doing was too 'normal' to be on Rachel's birthday. I got home and Matt & I went out for a late dinner. It was a busy, yet not stressful day. Just what I needed. I always get just what I need.</div>
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That night, driving home from dinner, the lights in town had been turned on. I heard they turn them on the first Friday of December each year - so on the same year I couldn't set up my lights at home and turn them on for her birthday like I have for years, the downtown area of our new town lit up for me. And yes, it felt like it was just for me. :) </div>
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I had gone to the Post Office a few days earlier to close the PO Box for our nonprofit. The costs keep going up and we don't get enough mail there to make it worth paying for. I was standing in line waiting to talk to the teller when I glanced at the cards and thought maybe I'd get one for Rachel. I don't usually do that, but the first card I picked up, was this card that I planned to write in and leave at her grave... it never happened and now I'm wondering if the card was from me to her - or from her to me. </div>
</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuv8weLtxaWN5R_X2WAeDZdwO2MGo_0zjk3ZVlmMsmlMCKTPG_-oKADQktOmaSafiqmPfNx9Ddj6HereiWI6nWsnCBGDd9m_vjjDEwNSB81ym2ZjReF2ukEAvoOMZsT8VtI-drt0AdUcE/s1600/DSC_0117-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuv8weLtxaWN5R_X2WAeDZdwO2MGo_0zjk3ZVlmMsmlMCKTPG_-oKADQktOmaSafiqmPfNx9Ddj6HereiWI6nWsnCBGDd9m_vjjDEwNSB81ym2ZjReF2ukEAvoOMZsT8VtI-drt0AdUcE/s400/DSC_0117-001.JPG" width="267" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">it was the hot chocolate that caught my eye...<br />It says " Whether all is calm or all is crazy, you're there..."</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil7r41lYbky8EyJc-EvjqjYyhinRXDwdLcYG4NtSDag4SD3DROs6rlvEjwihWKljY9gkOLuBk76a0M5bqH3fkx0My8ZMnGkhyphenhyphenHkrOiylapPX58SuaWtsGwLYg7u66K2vwNk8e5DnNuZto/s1600/DSC_0120-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil7r41lYbky8EyJc-EvjqjYyhinRXDwdLcYG4NtSDag4SD3DROs6rlvEjwihWKljY9gkOLuBk76a0M5bqH3fkx0My8ZMnGkhyphenhyphenHkrOiylapPX58SuaWtsGwLYg7u66K2vwNk8e5DnNuZto/s400/DSC_0120-001.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Adding a bit of heavenly peace to my world"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I was blessed by the messages, calls, flowers, and facebook posts (starting after midnight!) reminding me that she isn't forgotten and showering this Mama's heart with love. This year was different... in many ways... but I felt like it was a good day, for what the day represents. It was over much too fast and the days that follow it are always difficult as I remember that week in 2010 when I realized the depths of pain I was going to be carrying the rest of my life. But the day did feel peace-filled. It felt right. It felt like my family was *in it* with me. It was the first time that Matt put so much thought into it and one of the few times he's vocalized that he recognizes all that I went through, yet managed to accomplish with Rachel's life and thanked me for it. I don't seek after thanks, but I'm not gonna lie, some days it is really nice to hear. That pregnancy of waiting for my little girl to die and the pain it has left in my soul is the absolute hardest thing I've endured in my entire life. And it's not over, but God is healing me a little at a time. I know complete healing will only come with heaven, but I'm very thankful for the places in my heart that have been mended.<br />
<br />
I'm thankful for Rachel. I am thankful for who her short life has made me. I'm thankful for the big family we have, that we might have not welcomed if she had been able to stay here, for how her death shaped my beliefs and perspective. I'm thankful that I have been so used by God in the process of what some might view as only tragic, HE made it beautiful and purposeful and I got to be a part of that. It's truly special and I feel honored. I hate the pain, but my reward has been great. <br />
<br />
Thank You, Father for Christmas babies.... Jesus... Rachel... Eden Joy... <br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj246TYs7NFlL3bLCmVyJ_lZmnaHe_4Q1vGov1x1Z50bPkqv8G-mk44ITURe8i3qqu1ahoH0BFc8XjzcUx3OBxrjak-l0x3d6tuEaHnstf-oj1T2mTOWAN7-T85ccPmLajFvam2kLFghSE/s1600/IMG_20161203_100240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj246TYs7NFlL3bLCmVyJ_lZmnaHe_4Q1vGov1x1Z50bPkqv8G-mk44ITURe8i3qqu1ahoH0BFc8XjzcUx3OBxrjak-l0x3d6tuEaHnstf-oj1T2mTOWAN7-T85ccPmLajFvam2kLFghSE/s400/IMG_20161203_100240.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
On the way to the cemetery I heard a song that was just perfect. I'm going to end on this....<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-are-lyrics-colton-dixon.html#ixzz4SG9Uvt00" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: #b6d7a8; box-sizing: border-box; color: #003399; font-family: proxnov-sbold, arial, sans-serif; outline: 0px; text-decoration: none; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;">Colton Dixon - You Are</a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">When I can't find the words to say how much it hurts</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the healing in my heart</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">When all that I can see are broken memories</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the light that's in the dark</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song I'm singing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air I'm breathing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope I needed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Oh oh</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the provider of my needs</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">When all my dirtiness has left me helpless</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the rain that washes me</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song I'm singing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air I'm breathing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope I needed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Oh oh</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song I'm singing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air I'm breathing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope I needed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Oh oh</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">If I had no voice</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">If I had no tongue</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I would dance for you like the rising sun</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And when that day comes and I see your face</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I will shout your endless glorious praise</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">If I had no voice</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">If I had no tongue</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I would dance for you like the rising sun</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">And when that day comes and I see your face</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I will shout your endless glorious praise</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song I'm singing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air I'm breathing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope I needed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Oh oh</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">(You are the song) you are the song</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the song I'm singing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">(You are the air) you are the air</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the air I'm breathing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">(You are the hope) you are the hope</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">You are the hope I needed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">I'm singing Oh oh</span></div>
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</span>Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-86546137081059084842016-12-02T01:14:00.000-05:002016-12-02T01:14:16.408-05:00Safe in His Hands24 hours left until the day changes to another December 3.<br />
<br />
My heart is breaking all over again and for some reason, I'm surprised. <br />
<br />
I'm struggling with the changes... a new house means a different holiday set up - and a different way to represent Rachel in our Christmas decorations. Since the ordeal with the house is still in full swing, there is still half of it we can't use so we are still in a huge transition, on top of being in a new house. We haven't even been able to unpack everything yet. :( I opened a Christmas box to find all these red bows I bought last year on clearance to decorate our fence this year. I always put the lights, garland and bows up and turn them on on Rachel's birthday.... well, we don't have a fence anymore... and my heart was crushed.<br />
<br />
I found a way to improvise and used my long set of stairs to put the lights and bows on and I will decorate her little tree I put down in my garden tomorrow... I feel ok about it. I think it's Rachel worthy ♥ But it is hard to have so many ongoing and unsettled changes at the same time as her birthday.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUyI04i3j7A7ekkCzeyDSKBNVK95CjLDxkpgRsxz0l4uFdyx9QgHM1QGYEtBHO1_6suG7p2O31mKMiXLOqtaKU1OUTjmTLsGYEfgZ5yOV31_qxdrh-xIrWEdN8pFGKneAO1-6Kqu5KB9Y/s1600/IMG_0451.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUyI04i3j7A7ekkCzeyDSKBNVK95CjLDxkpgRsxz0l4uFdyx9QgHM1QGYEtBHO1_6suG7p2O31mKMiXLOqtaKU1OUTjmTLsGYEfgZ5yOV31_qxdrh-xIrWEdN8pFGKneAO1-6Kqu5KB9Y/s400/IMG_0451.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of Asa :) </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isaiah helping me with the lights</td></tr>
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<br />
I am trying to plan out what I want to do for her 6th birthday and my mind goes in a million directions. I want simple, but meaningful. Huge for my heart but little for our pockets. Ordinary like my other kids get, while unique like she is. And I have a couple of ideas, but am so nervous that my family is not going to be into it - or will forget its about Rachel... or lose sight of how much this hurts and what it means to me. <br />
<br />
And once again, it just feels like a huge burden on my weary shoulders. I'm told I don't carry it alone, but you wouldn't know it by the weight of it. It takes my breath away multiple times a day, like a stack of bricks hitting my chest. And in a strange way, I'm just as afraid for her day to end as I am for it to arrive. It feels so much like when I was waiting for her birthday. Before I know it, the 3rd will come to an end again and we'll be onto the next celebration - her little sister's birthday and then Christmas - and my heart will still be on the 3rd, but I've come to know that the 3rd is not a day everyone else's world stopped. And still won't. It's mine. It's my broken cart on the amusement ride. I want them to shut the whole ride down and tell everyone to get off and eat fried dough with me, but it's not going to happen - they all have carts that are working just fine.<br />
<br />
Everywhere I turn, there are signs for things going on on Dec. 3. It's because it lands on a Saturday this year and it's killing me. I never expected a Saturday birthday would be harder, but it IS. Every Christmas time kick off activity is happening this Saturday... If you want to make a wreath, decorate cookies, meet Santa or attend a community fundraiser - Saturday is your day. When what I want is for the world to stop and let me go at a slow, introverted, thought-filled pace.... and I already know it's not going to happen. <br />
<br />
I have a feeling this December is going to define the tightrope of joy and sorrow like never before. <br />
<br />
This is the first year since she died that I feel excited about Christmas. This could be in part because a friend of a friend asked if she could be our Santa this year and is getting each of the kids 4 gifts that she is going to wrap and bring to me labeled! So all we have to do is stuff the stockings. Taking away the stress of all of that work is a huge relief to me right now. So I think that plays into it. But it's also just part of where I'm at in my missing Rachel... she truly has become part of me in a different way this past year. I am not convinced words will do it justice, so I won't try to explain it, but I'll just say that I feel so much peace around thoughts of her as a general rule. I truly have a piece of me in heaven and a piece of heaven in me. It's a gift. She is a gift. <br />
<br />
But in the middle of starting to feel exited, I have these thoughts - feelings - emotions - memories... that are kicking my butt and I'm just so sad all of a sudden. I'm pretty confident I will get past it and enjoy Christmas. I will love watching Eden Joy turn one on Christmas Eve... I will do all the traditions I always do with my living kids and do my best to include my Rachel... I am just praying that God will do something to make it more than a survival test, but that He will encourage me in the ways He does best through these next couple of weeks. I am so fragile right now. But I'm safe in His hands. <br />
<br />
My friend Darla sent me this video last year for Rachel's birthday week and it just came to mind as I wrote those last words. <br />
<br />
I am safe in His hands. <br />
<br />
And He has me. He has this. He won't let me go.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-91938726274559828552016-12-02T00:18:00.000-05:002016-12-02T01:22:03.969-05:00A Kiss from Heaven<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've had a fairly 'easy' year of 'grieving' or whatever you call this stage of grief. I don't feel like I actively <i>grieve </i>anymore - so it's kind of catching me off guard how sad I am this week.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've cried. A lot. At random times and mid-sentence when I don't see it coming. I'm not used to that anymore. I was, but now I'm not. And it is no fun. It feels alienating and uncomfortable. It makes me want to hide away. To wear sunglasses to conceal the puffy eyes I'm carrying around. It makes talking about surface topics with people who don't know or care almost impossible. I'm trying to wear a smile and keep sharing it. Especially since I know I'm not the only one feeling this way as Christmas draws near. So many people hurt this time of year. It's hard to miss people you love at Christmas time. I suppose having a Christmas baby die only accentuated that truth for me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I knew last year before December was over that this year I was going to slow way down with Rachel's nonprofit and turn in towards my family and be more intimate with Rachel's special days. It's a good thing I wanted that, because something tells me that with everything going on with our house since August, we wouldn't have been able to do anything like I usually do. But as her birthday gets closer, my heart has been hurting, so unsure of what I will want or not want and what will be ok or not ok when Saturday rolls around. As usual, God put something on my heart pretty heavily just in perfect timing....</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is a local mom who lost a girl to SIDS 15 years ago. Her family has been without heat because her furnace is broken and landlord hasn't fixed it yet - so I asked the board for Rachel's Legacy if they thought it was appropriate to buy them heated blankets for Rachel's b-day and they said yes! So today we went and bought heated blankets and some hot chocolate and mini marshmallows and brought them over to them. I explained to her that this is not something I could afford to do on my own, but that our board of directors thought that it was the perfect idea to give them a gift, as a fellow baby loss mom, that would keep them warm. I added the hot chocolate because you know how I feel about that. ♥ Thank you to everyone who has supported our ministry because it's YOU who actually gave this family this gift today - but you also gave me a gift in being able to deliver it and do something in memory of Rachel. Thank you ♥♥♥ </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">We stood in the cold rain and talked about our daughters. It's amazing to me how I can cry with someone who is technically a stranger to me and feel so understood. She listened, she shared. I did the same. And then we hugged - and there is something about a hug from a mom who has lost a child.... There is something special and strong and full of grace and mercy and unconditional love in a hug from a baby loss Mama... It's different and sincere and deep... all of it from the conversation - to the tears - to the hug. And boy, did I need that today. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I realized how beautifully different my Rachel Alice has made me. Because I am all of that in a hug, too - and am better than I was before her in so many ways. Many ways in which some would say I'm weaker or less stable, but I know in the ways that matter to God, I have grown. It's been a long, lonely and painful journey these past 6 years and 4 months since her diagnosis. I was surrounded by hundreds of people, but so, so alone in it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">I got home and saw a message from this mom saying "thank you so much" and I responded with only a big heart and it said "Sent at 1:43pm" And in that moment, I felt a special, strong, full of grace and mercy and unconditional love, kiss from heaven on my heart. God always allows me to see that she somehow knows. I don't know how or in what way or what time is like there, but I feel pretty confident in saying she knows. </span></span><br />
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Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-14020591079998924772016-11-25T09:42:00.000-05:002016-11-25T12:14:50.243-05:00Looking BackHere we are again - the week before Rachel's birthday.<br />
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So many memories come flooding back this time of year... all of the pain, the fear, the heartache... the millions of ways my heart broke in those long 4 months between her diagnosis and her death - and especially the realization of exactly how clueless I was about how hard it was about to get. Who could imagine it would be worse than being pregnant with a baby who was going to die? I couldn't. And I know dozens of people who clearly had the same struggle imagining it because they didn't stick around long after she died - the unanticipated heaviness was nothing they were interested in carrying for long. Why would they be? If I didn't have to, I wouldn't want to either. Heck, I wish I could walk away from it.<br />
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I remember odd things from those days - like sitting in a big comfy office chair my mom had just bought me to help with my back pain. I remember pulling it up to the Thanksgiving dinner table and dropping my camera in the gravy when I asked Des to take a picture of me and Matt. I remember laying on the couch and listening to a sermon and then finding the Shaun the Sheep show for the first time, while I watched my belly move all around and being so thankful for her every move.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GL1yiPMmvboYrFDyhhrrR3NWDh4hyb9T233blnNpmG-3crBAI3LaJzT36AeDS6fZjA11K9axp3EGAOH1CvqDzvw0ZQle8ZEbJOoNAK0v2TGjt906O0xGsAd8mkSRL-rsCjw0oHaWv1U/s1600/IMG_1492.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5GL1yiPMmvboYrFDyhhrrR3NWDh4hyb9T233blnNpmG-3crBAI3LaJzT36AeDS6fZjA11K9axp3EGAOH1CvqDzvw0ZQle8ZEbJOoNAK0v2TGjt906O0xGsAd8mkSRL-rsCjw0oHaWv1U/s400/IMG_1492.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The gravy didn't break the camera :)</td></tr>
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I remember the constant Doctor appointments, the way it hurt to do anything and everything - both physically and emotionally. I remember being so scared, and yet feeling God getting me so ready. And so much more... <br />
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What I don't remember is anything Matt & I did that contributed to keeping our marriage together. I don't remember taking care of my other 3 kids' basic needs. I don't remember doing any of the things I had done before, enjoying a single conversation, or taking a shower that I didn't cry more tears than the drops of water that washed over me. But somehow, God held us all together. Somehow we still smiled.<br />
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I shared a lot of beauty in my pain. I promised her I would. I told of the wondrous things God had done. I promised Him I would. I made a lot of hard decisions, that some still hold against me. I promised myself, when I got her diagnosis, that I would take care of me and my house before worrying about anyone else. I tried like crazy to make this extraordinarily painfully brutal situation something other than a picture of pain. I tried to paint Rachel in a beautiful light that people weren't afraid of. I tried to take every ounce of pain and allow Him to use it for my good and His glory. I tried to not hurt others along the way as I attempted to protect myself and relationships in my life that I wanted to last. And I tried so hard to make it so nobody would ever forget her.<br />
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Looking back, I hope I managed - but I'm not convinced I did. <br />
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Looking back, I can't tell if my feelings are accurate - and it feels so far away I have certain memories that stand out and a whole lot that are lost in the time between then and now. <br />
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Looking back, I wish I could take the calmness that surrounds my heart in my pain of missing Rachel in these days, and live in that in those days.<br />
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Looking back, I wish I would have said less and prayed more. Explained myself less. Cared about people's opinions less. Been able to give more. I just couldn't. I did my best, and it wasn't good enough for so many - and often not good enough for my own expectations of myself. And it was so painful. In so many ways. <br />
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Looking back, I wonder if this blog was really the best idea. I was so excited over the number of people who read my words, cared about my journey, supported me with each new goal I set for Rachel's Legacy... and maybe I wouldn't have survived this pain without that excitement and purpose to distract me. I don't know. But I sometimes wonder how much I traded for what I got. This blog came with a ton of sacrifice. It took away my privacy, my ability to protect Rachel from the world, and it opened my heart up for criticism I wasn't really able to withstand in those days. Sometimes I can't take it in these days.<br />
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This is the first year since 2010, that I don't have a celebration going on for Rachel's birthday. It's kind of scary for me. I am so afraid of not having something worthy of her memory to do for her day and feeling like a failure. Last year though, I did a big gift (baby shower) for someone else in her memory and that was awesome, but on her actual birthday, I still opened an empty PO Box - and it hurt. I pulled up to nothing on her grave, and it hurt. (But Elisha and Bella did come to visit while we were there!!) The phone remained quiet and it hurt. Family forgot - or didn't find it necessary to try to remember - and it hurt. I worked hard all day on setting up lights and our tree, only to feel like Matt & the kids we only thinking about Christmas and I felt alone in my missing her - and it hurt. It still hurt. It always does. <br />
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I've been looking for a month, trying to figure out what we could do for her day that will feel right for my heart. And I just don't know. And it is only a week away. I can't even believe it's only a week away. How has it really been 6 years? How do *I* not have something planned? Am I going to like that, or regret it? Should I hurry up and figure something out? Or wake up that day and go with the flow? Something tells me I should have a plan, yet I have no idea what that should be. I feel that same awkward feeling of not knowing how to do this every year - just like I do when I bring a new baby home. I have had enough babies, one would think I'd have it down, but still each one brings me back to being so unsure of my ability - because each one is different.<br />
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Looking back, that's the only thing that has stayed consistent... I still don't know how to do this.<br />
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And the only thing that is consistent in response to that is that God is enough.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTToBWpxLq4NWQII2e4qW44_-JU_0lqBGC6nfRqRrLFPZUmnogFX0GbFimfvu7FHtzzVH-HPEzIvzb_uFS4GZusyiqboh5UC95O2B8zLjtSPbvLLgGWaFXJ53taCgp3nTU5q07F-BQcK0/s1600/D700_7480.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTToBWpxLq4NWQII2e4qW44_-JU_0lqBGC6nfRqRrLFPZUmnogFX0GbFimfvu7FHtzzVH-HPEzIvzb_uFS4GZusyiqboh5UC95O2B8zLjtSPbvLLgGWaFXJ53taCgp3nTU5q07F-BQcK0/s400/D700_7480.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At her funeral</td></tr>
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-80462978619659816882016-10-23T01:25:00.002-04:002016-10-23T01:25:44.288-04:00Taking a SeatI know what I expected life to be like.<br />
<br />
What I hoped for... dreamed of...<br />
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I don't know exactly how I imagined growing older and raising children would be.<br />
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And I don't know if those thoughts, those dreams, those hopes were unrealistic... or if some people really get those... all I know is that I feel like the days and weeks and years are flying by. As each night comes to a close, I feel like a cat hanging onto it with my claws of regret...<br />
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Wishing I had gotten more accomplished, been a better, more attentive Mama, wife, daughter, sister, friend... a better follower of Jesus Christ.... Thinking of all I had planned and hoped to check off my list that sits unmarked. Wishing I had not let so much of my babies' day escape me. Hating the number of times I said "not now" or "hold on" to them, only to never hear what their little minds and hearts wanted to say to me.<br />
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But most of all, I just have this constant nagging feeling that I am missing my life. <br />
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Many of you are know of the situation with our new house - but the short version for those who don't is this... we spent 2 weeks after we bought this house feeling like our lives were perfect. Much like how I felt for a time right before Rachel's diagnosis. But two weeks in, we were blindsided with one of the biggest betrayals of our lives... the people who sold us this house were not honest on the seller's disclosure and somehow managed to sell us this house while they were in a current and ongoing violation with the town over finishing the basement and attic without permits, which the town was requesting be ripped down - and although the town knew they were selling the house, did nothing to stand in the way. And since then, it has gotten worse and harder and more heartbreaking... and it's taking up entirely way too much of my life to the point that we literally get next to nothing else accomplished in our lives these days except dealing with lawyers, making phone calls, the town, cutting down walls and trying to live in less than 1/2 of the house we bought.<br />
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I have been trying to hear God - trying to understand what I'm supposed to do. I do not feel like He is punishing us, but I do know He gave me direct guidance to walk away from this house and, right before we were supposed to buy it, I did. I backed out and felt PEACE... but the sellers came back to us and so we decided to accept and bought it. And the peace left that day and has never returned. There is great blessing in listening to God, even when it doesn't make sense - and we are suffering the pain of shutting out His voice and choosing our own understanding... I'm not upset with Him... but I do wish He would have stopped us. I trust that He will use this for our ultimate good, even if that means only to make us more like Jesus - but it hurts. It hurts a lot. We left a house that we all loved - that never had any issues - and that Rachel lived in - to move here. It would have been hard if it stayed feeling 'perfect'... but this? All of this? Legal issues, town issues, fines, scare letters, betrayal... it's all too much.<br />
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Tonight I was working on my Baby Rachel's Legacy stuff - in the middle of tons of messages and questions about the house - and realized I had dropped the ball on not one, but TWO headstone/burial expense assistance requests. I was printing up the papers, talking to myself and super frustrated that I let these families down, as my kids went off to bed, yet again with my face in the computer and my mind somewhere else...<br />
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"I just want my life back!" I snapped as I ripped the headstone invoice from my printer. "Baby casket in pink" it says. I just want 2009 back.<br />
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I didn't even have a computer then. I didn't have a dead baby then (minus my miscarriage, but no dead Rachel yet)... No nonprofit... and our house was a solid, dependable and affordable, safe haven for our family. <br />
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I feel so preoccupied. So desperate. So alone. So deep in the thick of it that I can't get out. I am constantly trying to pull myself from the mire and I am tired. I'm weary. I'm sad and missing what used to be. What I dreamed would be. What I hoped for my kids and husband. How I envisioned our life.<br />
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What I want to do is shut this stupid computer and take the facebook app back off my phone and never go on either again. I want to wake up and look at my KIDS who are growing up whether I'm watching or not. I want to make them breakfast and SIT WITH THEM instead of constantly being busied with things that don't matter.... but they do, that's the thing. They matter because the people who sold us this lemon of a house left us in a position where we have no choice but to spend all our time fighting a battle they sold to us. And I hate them for this. I hate that they left my kids with this. I hate that they didn't care what it would do to us, as long as they got what they wanted. I hate the greed in their hearts.<br />
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And no sooner did I start working on my baby casket donations and water started POURING out of my kitchen light!!! I started crying. And when I say crying... I mean sobbing. And I sobbed for a very long time....<br />
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I've been trying to tell myself every day that this house is not our HOME. Our home is in heaven. We are passing through - we are pilgrims on a journey to our true destination and this isn't it. I repeat this to myself 100 times a day so that I don't get swallowed up in the pain of what this earthly home is and is not. I want to have a heavenly perspective. I need to or I'll drown in my disappointment.<br />
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This morning in the shower, I was, as usual, thinking about all of this. And I found myself singing...<br />
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I will life my voice, to worship You, my King<br />
I will find my strength in the shadow of Your wings.<br />
Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens<br />
Your faithfulness, stretches to the sky.<br />
Your righteousness is like a mighty mountain<br />
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide....<br />
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It's funny, it was one of the first worship songs I ever knew the words to - and I believe the first I ever taught Des... and out of nowhere, there I was singing it in the shower, 11 years later in the middle of a huge trial... and then I randomly blurted out (yes, sharing at the risk of looking crazy, but whatever!) "You are busied and hurried with many things...."<br />
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Woah, where did that come from? And why did I say it? <br />
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Because I am. And I don't know how to stop - and it's like I don't really have the choice to stop because our lives depend on it... and yet I don't have the choice to not stop, because our lives depend on it. And I don't know how to be a Mary in a Martha world (yes, I've read the book - twice - and if you haven't, you should!). Especially with all of this scary stuff happening that I just. want. behind. us. But no matter how much I do, it seems to get us nowhere.<br />
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I'm a doer - we all know that. I do things. but I don't want to anymore. At least not these things. <br />
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I've tried so hard to get an attorney so that I could take this crap off my plate and enjoy my children and have them enjoy their Mama.... but so far we haven't been able to. We've started a gofundme though and it's raised a little money, but more importantly, it's being shared and that will hopefully bring us some help.<br />
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I had another MRI on Friday and within 3 hours of leaving there, the Dr's office called me and wanted me to come in on Monday to go over results. I asked if that meant they saw something and she wouldn't say... it could be nothing... it could be something... but as always, it leaves me with the overwhelming desire to pursue what is better.... <br />
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Tonight, I know what that is... but tomorrow, the struggle will pick right back up where it left off and I don't know how to combat that. Please pray for me. Pray for us. <br />
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Pray specifically for me, that I can live my days, making choices that will have each day ending in a calm peace that knows no regrets. That I will learn to balance the have-tos and the want-tos and the love-tos and my children's need-tos. That I will slow down and look at bugs (no smelling flowers with all these boys!) That I will care about Desirae's 25th conversation about her latest tip in her American Girl Magazine... That I can get these kids out of this freaking house that is stealing all our joy and do something fun. <br />
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Life is passing us by... and not the town or the house, and certainly not the people who sold us this place are worth what I'm giving up in exchange for the drama and injustice they have thrown at us.<br />
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I will life my voice, to worship You, my King<br />
<b>I will find my strength</b> in the shadow of Your wings.<br />
Your <b>love</b>, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens<br />
Your <b>faithfulness</b>, stretches to the sky.<br />
Your <b>righteousness </b>is like a mighty mountain<br />
Your <b>justice </b>flows like the ocean's tide<br />
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I serve a God of love, faithfulness, righteousness and JUSTICE... that will shelter me in the shadow of his wings and give me strength. I know this. I've seen it over and over. I just need to rest in it and somehow surrender my sword and let Him fight for me. I can't do it anymore. And one thing I know for sure is the only thing worse than going through these earthly sorrows is missing the heavenly purposes along the way. That and waking up one day and realizing there are no more chubby fingers and I was too busy with things that don't matter to sit with the ones who do.<br />
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I'm taking a seat.... <i>Lord, it's all you.... Yours is the victory, and I will give you praise.</i><br />
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<i>Chronicles 20:17 </i></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Arimo, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: justify;"><i><b>But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD's victory. He is with you, </b>O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!"</i></span></div>
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<div class="poetry" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A friend sent this Psalm to me and it was like balm to my soul today ♥</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Psalm 46:1-10</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">God is our refuge</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14616A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14616A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and strength,</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">an ever-present<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14616C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14616C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> help<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14616D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14616D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> in trouble.</span></div>
<span class="text Ps-46-2" id="en-NIV-14617" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Therefore we will not fear,</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14617F" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14617F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">though the earth give way</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-2" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">and the mountains fall<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14617H" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14617H" title="See cross-reference H">H</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> into the heart of the sea,</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-3" id="en-NIV-14618" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">though its waters roar</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14618J" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14618J" title="See cross-reference J">J</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and foam</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-3" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">and the mountains quake<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14618L" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14618L" title="See cross-reference L">L</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> with their surging.<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-14618c" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-14618c" title="See footnote c">c</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+46%3A1-10&version=NIV#fen-NIV-14618c" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote c">c</a>]</span></span></div>
</span></span></div>
<div class="poetry top-05" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There is a river</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14619M" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14619M" title="See cross-reference M">M</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">whose streams</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14619N" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14619N" title="See cross-reference N">N</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">make glad the city of God,</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-4" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">the holy place where the Most High<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14619P" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14619P" title="See cross-reference P">P</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> dwells.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-5" id="en-NIV-14620" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">God is within her,</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14620R" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14620R" title="See cross-reference R">R</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">she will not fall;</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">God will help<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14620T" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14620T" title="See cross-reference T">T</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> her at break of day.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-6" id="en-NIV-14621" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nations</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14621U" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14621U" title="See cross-reference U">U</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">are in uproar,</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14621V" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14621V" title="See cross-reference V">V</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">kingdoms</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14621W" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14621W" title="See cross-reference W">W</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">fall;</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-6" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">he lifts his voice,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14621X" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14621X" title="See cross-reference X">X</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> the earth melts.</span></div>
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<div class="poetry top-05" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text Ps-46-7" id="en-NIV-14622" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">Lord</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Almighty</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14622Z" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14622Z" title="See cross-reference Z">Z</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">is with us;</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-7" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">the God of Jacob<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14622AB" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14622AB" title="See cross-reference AB">AB</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> is our fortress.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Come and see what the</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">Lord</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">has done,</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-8" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">the desolations<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14623AE" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14623AE" title="See cross-reference AE">AE</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> he has brought on the earth.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-9" id="en-NIV-14624" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He makes wars</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14624AF" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14624AF" title="See cross-reference AF">AF</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">cease</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-9" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">to the ends of the earth.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-9" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He breaks the bow</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14624AG" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14624AG" title="See cross-reference AG">AG</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and shatters the spear;</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-9" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">he burns the shields<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-14624d" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-14624d" title="See footnote d">d</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+46%3A1-10&version=NIV#fen-NIV-14624d" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote d">d</a>]</span> with fire.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-46-10" id="en-NIV-14625" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; text-align: center; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He says, <b>“Be still, and know that I am God;</b></span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-10" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">I will be exalted<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-14625AJ" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14625AJ" title="See cross-reference AJ">AJ</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> among the nations,</span></div>
</span><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-46-10" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">I will be exalted in the earth.”</span></div>
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<h1 class="passage-display" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 500; line-height: 1.1; margin: 0px 0px 20px; text-align: center;">
<i><span class="passage-display-bcv" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; margin: 0px; padding-right: 10px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">2 Corinthians 4:16-18</span></span></i></h1>
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text 2Cor-4-16" id="en-NIV-28876" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><b>Therefore we do not lose heart.</b><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> we are being renewed<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> day by day.</span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NIV-28877" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28877D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28877D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span> <span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NIV-28878" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"> </span><b>So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28878E" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28878E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.</b></span></span></i></div>
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Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-18230555734321835792016-08-31T22:47:00.002-04:002016-08-31T22:50:15.965-04:00A Kitchen Dance<div>
Notice: I've copied and pasted text here and I don't have the time or energy to figure out why it's all discolored and weird so just ignore that! thanks! (that's some serious growth for this "Type A"!!) </div>
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Today I kept finding myself sad. I wasn't crying, just feeling kind of down. I couldn't put my finger on why - until I noticed that I had posted like 3-4 things of Eden... her trying to stand, walking with a walker, and her big, beautiful smile... and I kept writing or thinking how much I miss Rachel. It's not like that is new, but it was a bit heavier than usual.<br />
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I realized the why and wrote this on facebook:</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">It just dawned on me why today is a hard Rachel day... the hundreds of back to school posts... Rachel would be 5. She'd be in kindergarten this year. Yeah, I'd probably be sad if I was sending her off to school. I get that. I'm a crier. But wow, I'd give anything to be sad in the can't-believe-my-baby-is-growing-up kind of way. It sure beats the can't-believe-my-daughter-is-dead tears that even plague my tears of joy watching Eden and her siblings grow. I'm thankful for a heavenly perspective, but some days I just wish I could go back to the simpler days where watching them grow was the most "sadness" I knew as a mom. Where today, I would post a picture of my 5yo, holding one of those signs like everyone does now.. big smile, new dress, pretty shoes in a size 5, backpack on.... I miss her. God, I miss her.</span></blockquote>
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Shortly after that, one of my favorite songs came on the radio and I called the kids in to dance and sing with me. I had Ezra for the first song... Lauren Daigle...<br />
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<div style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #616161; font-family: Roboto, arial, "Noto Sans Japanese", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Letting go of every single dream</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I lay each one down at Your feet</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every moment of my wandering</div>
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Never changes what You see</div>
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<div style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #616161; font-family: Roboto, arial, "Noto Sans Japanese", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
I’ve tried to win this war I confess</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My hands are weary I need Your rest</div>
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Mighty Warrior, King of the fight</div>
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No matter what I face, You’re by my side</div>
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<div style="background-color: whitesmoke; color: #616161; font-family: Roboto, arial, "Noto Sans Japanese", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move</div>
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When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through</div>
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When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You</div>
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I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!</div>
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Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings</div>
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There’s not a day ahead You have not seen</div>
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So, in all things be my life and breath</div>
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I want what You want Lord and nothing less</div>
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When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move</div>
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When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through</div>
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When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You</div>
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I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!</div>
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You are my strength and comfort</div>
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You are my steady hand</div>
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You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand</div>
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Your ways are always higher</div>
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Your plans are always good</div>
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There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood</div>
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When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move</div>
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When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through</div>
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When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You</div>
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I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
When I sing about Him not moving the mountains or parting the waters - all I can think about is Rachel. And when I sing about His plans being good... Him knowing what tomorrow brings... that NOWHERE I go is a place He has not already stood... I think about how much that hurt. How painful it was to wait for her death.... to bury her... to have so much of the world watching and judging as I did... and to know that He knows that pain and that He cares about mine even though His was even worse... wow. </div>
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So at this point, Eden had asked me to hold her and Ezra and Sam (and Des) were in the kitchen being spun around by me and Eden was dancing with me. The next song was Broken by Lifehouse. I remember as clear as can be hearing that song on the way into the cemetery one day not long after Rachel died and I literally was, as the song says, 'barely breathing'....</div>
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<span style="background-color: #93c47d;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">With a broken heart that's still beating</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">In the pain there is healing</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">In your name I find meaning</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">I'm barely holdin' on to you</span></span></div>
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I remember blogging about it - I blogged every day, sometimes more than once a day then just to process what I was trying to carry around... my very heavy, broken heart.</div>
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I held Eden tight and just fell apart, dancing in our new kitchen. I'm so thankful I have her - and I honestly still can't believe I do... but every great once in awhile, feeling her in my arms just breaks my heart for Rachel all over again... and yet, she is EXACTLY who I need in my arms to help me get to the other side of that brokenness. So often when I'm holding her, I think of the verse God gave me that first week when we found out Rachel was going to die - that He will bring everything to completion... and I feel like Eden is bringing us full circle back to Rachel in so many ways, I can't put words to it. She makes me feel like Rachel is so much closer - even though at times it hurts. It's like she is being used to break me again, so I'll heal more completely - like they do with bones if bones don't heal properly....</div>
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I cried through the rest of the song and she just put her head up against my face. She is so, SO sweet and she knew I was sad and was comforting me. She is a smart little lady, at only 8 months, I'd say she is going to be a compassionate person. </div>
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The last song was Live it Well by Switchfoot.... it's a new song, but this has been my mantra since I found out about my brain aneurysm - life is short and not a day or even an hour is a guarantee, so live what you have well... </div>
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The combination of the three songs hit me so hard... the reminder of how God doesn't always do what we want but that I can TRUST Him anyway in the first song, followed by a walk down memory lane of how bad it hurt when He allowed me to go through what I did with Rachel in the second song... and then ending with a reminder to make the most out of what I have right now.....</div>
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I am not sure I have a real great way to wrap this post up... all I can say is that if I am honest, I've been too preoccupied for too long... like a big fat Martha, running around to get things done and not taking the time to sit at the feet of my Lord... and I so desperately need Him. I need that communion with Him... I need to hear what He wants to say to me... I need to open His Word more often and soak it in and I need to find a way to do that realistically in the midst of this beautifully crazy and busy life I live. And, it's been entirely way too long since I danced in my kitchen and I think I need to do that more often, too.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbdulpZR0VDYHVOkIiOG6kUrmKe-Ji3SHsUDZGLIl8qP-W5HUfslyRaDfiRxH_rV6cBOm2qv8bAdoloXymH_0LgRFUtir3b5FNYk_CHT2MqiqqrsjIcraNhA_HbZmvhkUMs1zpjM46y8I/s1600/dance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbdulpZR0VDYHVOkIiOG6kUrmKe-Ji3SHsUDZGLIl8qP-W5HUfslyRaDfiRxH_rV6cBOm2qv8bAdoloXymH_0LgRFUtir3b5FNYk_CHT2MqiqqrsjIcraNhA_HbZmvhkUMs1zpjM46y8I/s400/dance.jpg" width="223" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reaching for me while she was dancing ♥</td></tr>
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Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-79775109228328324202016-08-31T21:47:00.001-04:002016-08-31T21:47:20.980-04:00Carrying the Nail With MeWell, that's a record - 2 months since I last posted....<br />
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In the last two months, I have packed up our old house, moved, and unpacked in our new home. (maybe half the boxes!) It was no easy job and I don't want to do that again any time soon!<br />
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I always assumed leaving the house Rachel lived in with me would be hard. It was - but not as I expected - mostly because for one, I was way too busy to have time to think and for two, if there was ever a time that she feels near me, it is now.<br />
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If you've been reading along my journey, you know what I'm talking about when I reference Rachel's nail. It was a nail that was in my living room wall that, for a very long time, had her little purple dress hanging on it. I didn't take it down because I felt like it would be as if I had lost hope in the possibility of her healing.<br />
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I finally took the dress down, but left the nail. Here and there, I would hang other Rachel things on it, but the nail never came down. It was the last thing left - that and the bouquet of daisies I left for the new owners on the counter - when we went to leave that Friday morning. <br />
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I turned around, pulled it out, and stuck it in my pocket. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVctZSg0SCueWFkVxm8URt4WvgwjQoT0EpumGEz2MmqM1OFP29LGI7yheVuOhhIzAOHG3MiNOVxkAMHJ83yrJMnemtm87OpiU3i0MYVLPnzPh6UdweUqp3vOx3m9EkgkCWyJ_uwrvd-k/s1600/IMG_20160729_084634097.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVctZSg0SCueWFkVxm8URt4WvgwjQoT0EpumGEz2MmqM1OFP29LGI7yheVuOhhIzAOHG3MiNOVxkAMHJ83yrJMnemtm87OpiU3i0MYVLPnzPh6UdweUqp3vOx3m9EkgkCWyJ_uwrvd-k/s400/IMG_20160729_084634097.jpg" width="223" /></a></div>
If that nail represented hope in her healing - then why does it need to be left in that house? I believe with all I am that she has been made whole in heaven with the Lord. Her healing was in fact granted to her, and to me.... She is safe, happy, complete. <br />
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So, shortly after we moved into our new home (that has "Rachel" written all over it in so many ways!) I took the nail out from my pocket and hammered it into the basement door... ironically, in the center of what the details in the door outline as a cross.... and I hung the Hope star I hung the night before the day she was born. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWzEOMTlq6B4SuQkpiDNs5-h8GbmpKz7qtQVODCGSqw0_P6S_tRF47KQRcsXbGUvemO8XO8klygbd5WY-6TB0BCT_Vu6-q391HHTFVQPFys7OcePdyk-repcpVJiarsjZYx6eW7bk-faE/s1600/DSC_0175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWzEOMTlq6B4SuQkpiDNs5-h8GbmpKz7qtQVODCGSqw0_P6S_tRF47KQRcsXbGUvemO8XO8klygbd5WY-6TB0BCT_Vu6-q391HHTFVQPFys7OcePdyk-repcpVJiarsjZYx6eW7bk-faE/s400/DSC_0175.JPG" width="267" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It looks Christmas-y, and that's fine by me. Christmas has brought us Jesus, Rachel, Eden...and HOPE!! </td></tr>
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I carry the hope of her healing with me every day - it's how I survive being without her. I didn't leave her - or that hope - there. I took it with me and will think about it and remember it every single day of my life until we meet again.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ezra's 3rd birthday party - our last family photo in that home!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgr5o0hapcLKHRWP8Lyp_d1wMDQiokNOEBbaagAOPJ3OvHW2hTC7cQ9Nf2c6fb3UnuxjzLmlxMZwERG0mAO6VuxMcUZ_5qQXIMSzAv-KbtvEk9pjaPtj54p0XBTB3EGg5N0NNCsO6ssOE/s1600/DSCF3290-001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgr5o0hapcLKHRWP8Lyp_d1wMDQiokNOEBbaagAOPJ3OvHW2hTC7cQ9Nf2c6fb3UnuxjzLmlxMZwERG0mAO6VuxMcUZ_5qQXIMSzAv-KbtvEk9pjaPtj54p0XBTB3EGg5N0NNCsO6ssOE/s400/DSCF3290-001.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The last thing we did before we drove away... Rachel bear is on my lap, but you can't see it.<br />Seems fitting - she is with us, but you can't see her - I also like that Eden is playing with her ♥<br />Rachel's nail was safe in my pocket - and we are surrounded by the bulb fundraiser flowers I bought when we were raising money for her playground.</td></tr>
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It won't be long and these photos will feel like forever ago. We have loved and lost and grown so much in this house. The day we moved in, we would have never seen any of that coming. What a long, hard road. But I know so intimately how desperate we are for Jesus, in all our weaknesses and failures - and how generous and merciful He is. I hope I always remember how I felt sitting on that porch that morning, the humid air, the nervousness of selling this place we loved so much or the excitement over the new house we were about to buy - the laughter we had as Matt pushed the button and ran to get in the photo... being surrounded by my children, 3 of which I probably would not have if we were able to keep Rachel. It's amazing how God unfolds our lives, a little at a time... and all we can do is take it one moment at a time and try to make the most of each of them. <br />
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So, here we go - on our next adventure.... thanking God for every day we get together and for the nail, the cross, and the hope that gets us through the days we have to spend without each other.Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-7727524957559944742016-06-26T00:22:00.000-04:002016-06-26T00:22:47.727-04:00My Goodbye Card<div class="tr_bq">
It's been a year since my Grandpa died.</div>
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The last time I saw him sitting up, before the cancer completely took over his brain, I had told him I was expecting again and he said to me "Good luck with your baby, I hope you have a big fat girl."<br />
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I did. And I think he knows it. Ironically, she was born on Christmas Eve, which all my life growing up was one day of the year we always went to Grandpa's house. <br />
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Tonight I have done a lot of reminiscing. The awesome man he was and the horrible way he died. I've thought a lot about how hard it is to wait for someone you love to die... and I feel like my family has had to do it way too much in the last 5 years. First Uncle Dale in 2010, just a couple of weeks after we got Rachel's diagnosis... then we waited for her to die for four long months... then my Papa in the fall of 2014 and Grandpa just 6 months later, with their cancer diagnoses overlapping. It's been overload watching so many people we love have their bodies shut down a little at a time, with so much physical pain.<br />
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My Grandpa was given much longer than he actually made it... which with how bad he suffered, I wouldn't have wished another day on him. For us though, that day was dreaded and is still so, so sad to think about. I had bought him a card, but seriously struggled with knowing which kind of card to buy - a 'get well' when he was just told he won't? A 'sympathy' when he wasn't dead yet? I was so overwhelmed, I was in tears in Hannaford trying to pick it. It sat on my counter for weeks and weeks because I knew I wanted to write in it, but couldn't get myself to do it... I wasn't ready to say goodbye.<br />
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Then the call came. My mom telling me I needed to come and see him and say goodbye. I sat down to write, unsure if it was too late to share my heart with him. I went over and sat next to the hospital bed in his living room... positioned in the same place Uncle Dale's hospital bed was when he died a few years earlier in that same room. He welcomed me with "Hi Beautiful" my entire life, but this day, he looked at me when I walked in and said "Goodbye Baby." <br />
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I am so glad I got to tell him that I love him and was going to miss him because he never got to read my card. I didn't say all the things I had written, but I cried with him and for him and held his hand and kissed his face and told him I would miss him so much. He was so ready for the pain to stop... but had cancer not invaded his body, he would have stayed forever happily on this earth because he loved life.<br />
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So anyway, things got very difficult with family in the days following his death and I ended up taking the card home with me the next day after he was gone. He was never going to see it and I didn't want it to be thrown away. It's sat in my bill drawer since where I see it every time I open the desk. I wanted to share it, realizing that only family will know what some of this stuff means, but just to explain a couple of things - my Grandpa dressed as Santa every year at the Elk's club for their Christmas party where they gave kids presents. We knew he was Santa but my mom swore she'd kill us if we told the other kids. He LOVED kids and kids LOVED him. Every one of them. And chocolate... he had a big stash of chocolate in his house and although he loved it for himself, he would let us take the last piece if we wanted it. He said his Dr told him it was good for him to eat dark chocolate and then we'd joke about how they didn't mean quite so much. He made sure my kids got real sugared up before returning home. He also delivered pizza for years and when we were kids we would call up and order pizza and say "Can my Grandpa deliver it?" And they'd say "Who is that, Frankie?" Yep - the oldest pizza guy and he still drove the fastest.... And the last line, he often called me "kid"....<br />
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So, Grandpa... this card is for you...<br />
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<blockquote>
"Grandpa,<br />I bought this card weeks ago, months ago maybe. And it's sat here waiting for me to find words to write to somehow express what my heart wants to say to you. And I can't find the words. There aren't any adequate. And I don't even know if you will be able to read this anyhow. All I know is that you have been more to me than a "Thank you" would cover. But, thank you for your songs, your laughter, your jokes, your chocolate. Thank you for always being happy for me when I'm having another baby. Thank you for being at birthdays and stopping in to say hi to me on random days when I needed a smile more than you knew. Thank you for calling me beautiful and for giving me your gift of writing. Thank you for your service to our country and for sharing some of your experiences with me. Thank you for yummy meatballs and pizza deliveries. Thank you for dressing up in a red suit to make kids smile. If there ever was an old guy that kids love - it's you... and this Kid is going to miss you like crazy.<br />I love you,<br />Stacy"</blockquote>
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I wish I would have gotten it there sooner - that maybe he could have read it or had it read to him. But I think he knew all of these things... I hope. I wish I could see him hold Eden. I just know he would have been thrilled that I had that 'big fat girl' after all. He was so sad for me losing Rachel and after he lost Dale to cancer, it was like we shared a new bond. He was so supportive and never afraid to talk about her with me.<br />
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A couple of weeks ago, walking into church, Sam took my hand and asked if I remembered Bumpy's funeral. (that's what the kids call him) It was rainy and I think it reminded him of that day. I said yes and Sam responded "But now there are more baby funerals than there are adult funerals." He had me in tears as I walked through the doors that morning. My kids know more reality than I ever wanted to know myself. Babies die. A lot. <br />
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The day of Grandpa's funeral, after we got home, there were the most beautiful rainbows EVERYWHERE. And I mean everywhere. They were posted all over my Facebook page. <br />
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There is hope. Jesus conquered the grave. And all those who call on His name shall be saved....<br />
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I believe Grandpa is with Rachel right now. And I will not be surprised at all if God reminds us of that hope tomorrow (today!) with a rainbow. It's a sad day down here, but I bet there is a lot of dancing going on up there. ♥<br />
<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-89330700400852811122016-06-03T23:26:00.001-04:002016-06-03T23:26:51.018-04:00Unto the Great I AMIt's been 5 1/2 years since Rachel was born. <br />
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A long 5 1/2 years to go without holding her.<br />
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Lately I've been missing her a lot. I have been in a pretty good place though... I feel like Eden is so much part of my journey with Rachel, it's hard to describe it. I often want to blog about what I mean by that, but words escape me. It's just so intense and personal - not that everything else on this blog isn't - but in a way that it's hard to properly describe. All I can say is that God knew the exact time that my heart would be ready for and blessed by another little girl. This is it and it's amazing. <br />
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Today I went to the gym. I haven't been able to do much because of my blood pressure. It goes crazy on me when I exercise. But I have found something simple that is a great workout but a short one that keeps my teeth from buzzing and me from getting a horrible migraine (I know that sounds strange, but that's what has been happening every time I work out.) and also doesn't hurt my joints - or mess with my diastasis recti (that's a technical term for the disaster we call my stomach muscles thanks to multiple babies close together)<br />
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I hadn't yet realized it was the 3rd, but I did know I was more sad than usual. It's funny how grief knows what day it is before I do. June 3rd has been a hard day for me every year since she left. I planted a bleeding heart on June 3, 2011 because that anniversary was extremely hard and my heart felt like it was truly bleeding. Today, I found myself constantly thinking about her. I usually listen to Jamie Grace when I work out, but today I decided to listen to Chris Tomlin. I got done exercising and as I walked down to get the kids, a song that I had picked for special music at Rachel's funeral came on and I started to cry right there in the gym.<br />
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In my mind, I was right back in my kitchen the day I picked that song for her funeral. I was very pregnant with her and it came on and I fell apart in a sweetly painful time of worship all by myself... Just me and Rachel... I thought back to that day and was once again in awe of how beautifully God carried me though those hard days. Waiting for my baby to be born and die, I was more in love with the Lord than ever before - because I needed Him more than ever before. It hurt SO much. Constantly. And He loved me so well through all of that longggg and horrible 4 months and somehow made beauty out of it. He used it. He used me for His glory.<br />
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I asked Erik to sing that song at Rachel's service and he learned it just for her... and it was perfect... I wanted every believer that came that day to be encouraged and every unbeliever to know why we were still standing... I wanted people to understand why I chose to carry her to God's determined timing of the end of her life on earth. Some didn't understand why I would put myself through that - when I was given a "way out". And some thought I did it because I'm a Christian and had some rule that said I had to. I believe in the sanctity of life. I believe that every child is made by God. I believe it's not right to take a baby's life. But that's not why I carried her to term. I carried her to term because she was a gift given to ME and *I* was... AM... her mother. It is my job as a mom to care for and protect my children... at any cost to me. And so I did. And I would again. And I would praise God just the same though it all. For a God who loved me enough to pursue me in the depths of my sin and shame and bring me to Himself and welcome me into His family and give me a way to spend eternity with Him - and Rachel.... I am honored to have a chance to glorify Him through my pain. I only wish I did it more perfectly.<br />
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I feel like the last 5 1/2 years, I have been in a grief fog that is finally lifting... and I woke up from it with 3 more kids and all sorts of health issues.... and she is still gone. It's unbelievable how much has happened in these short - yet very long - years, including both my grandfathers dying last year. I do feel like I'm finally getting my feet back under me, but I'm also seeing the reality of all that has happened to my family outside of my "survival mode" eyes and it's a different type of pain. Some times when I read old blog posts, I cry for me - for the girl I used to be. I feel sad for that girl as if it wasn't me... because I am so changed. I am not the same person I was then. That's a good thing. And I know it probably sounds odd to say I feel sad for that girl, but even with it being me, I still can't fully understand how much I was hurting then because I think if it was me carrying all that pain, I would have died from a broken heart. I don't think I could have continued to walk. But it wasn't just me... and that's why when I read my own words, it doesn't feel like it was - because God Himself was using me... my pain... my little girl... and our journey of joy and sorrow together to show the world what He and His church can do with imperfect people. He even showed me. And for that, I'm thankful. <br />
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I'd give anything to go back to August 4, 2010 and hear "It's a girl!" and not have that followed up with bad news. I'd give anything to go back to December 3, 2010 and give birth to my baby and not watch her die in my arms... to December 4, 2010 and not have to let a funeral home take her from me in the hospital. I'd give anything to go back to the anniversaries that followed and celebrate her birthdays and half birthdays and milestones and the millions of little things in between. I'd love to not have a blog named after her... or a non profit that pays for headstones and baby caskets and urns. <br />
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But then I wouldn't be who I am today... and although I'm still far from perfect, I can see how God used all of this, even the pain and my failures, to make me more like Jesus. The Uncreated One... the perfect, sinless Lord who laid aside His royalty to wear a crown of thorns. He is worthy. He is good. And He has victory over the grave that separates me and my baby girl for now. Until we meet again... where will will bow together with grateful hearts unto the Great I AM.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.4px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 19.1429px; text-align: center;">"Uncreated One"</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8;">Holy Uncreated One<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Your beauty fills the skies<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />But the glory of Your majesty<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Is the mercy in Your eyes<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Worthy Uncreated One<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />From heaven to earth come down<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You laid aside Your royalty<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />To wear the sinner's crown<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />O Great God, be glorified<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Our lives laid down<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Yours magnified<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />O Great God, be lifted high<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />There is none like You<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Jesus, Savior, God's own son<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Risen, reigning Lord<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Sustainer of the Universe<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />By the power of Your word<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />And when we see Your matchless face<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />In speechless awe we'll stand<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />And there we'll bow with grateful hearts<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Unto the Great I am</span></div>
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-90336220549540409662016-05-09T00:27:00.001-04:002016-05-09T00:27:27.937-04:00Being Mom6 years ago, on Mother's Day 2010, we announced with great excitement to family and friends that we were expecting our 4th baby.... our baby who was due on Christmas day. Our Rachel Alice.<br />
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I still remember some of the looks... some gave us just silence... and some gave a few negative comments, such as "can't we pick a different time of year to have a baby?" and "Another one???" <br />
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Some people just don't see the point of going past two kids - and certainly 3 is enough, don't ya think? Well, to be honest... I wanted 4. My whole life. And I thought that was a lot. I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls and a white picket fence. I was thrilled to be having our 4th... the baby who would complete our family.<br />
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I got it all... I had it all... even the fence.<br />
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But nothing on this earth is anything but temporary. The good, the bad, the in between. Nothing.<br />
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Each year on Mother's Day, I miss Rachel like crazy. We always go visit her after church and I try to get a picture with the kids near her stone. Reality is so loud on special days that I wish she were here for.<br />
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So, 6 years later, here I am.... I got the very exact thing I wanted and it was all stripped from me and it hurt and it's been a long, hard road... but I'm somehow still standing. I've had 3 more beautiful babies since Rachel came and went... one of which was another Christmas baby! We've certainly irritated the nay-sayers I mentioned above, I'm sure.<br />
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Another one?? Yes. Can we pick a different time of year to have a baby?? Maybe, but as long as we don't have to also bury our baby, I don't really care what day the birth falls on.<br />
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All of these joys, sorrows, love and pain have come as part of the Mom package. Having a child, you discover a love like no other. Losing a child, you discover a pain like no other. <br />
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This life of mine is crazy. It's chaotic. It's hard. It exhausts me every day. My life is busy... It's overwhelmingly demanding. But it's also beautiful... rewarding... filled with JOY and smiles. These kids bring me to my knees in the face of my inadequacies. They steal my heart and run me ragged. They have me cheering about poop, crying over chubby hands and singing about random things just so I don't look like I'm talking to myself. I drink cold, or reheated coffee all day long. I keep track of everything and write multiple lists every day that I never have when I need them. I clean. non. stop and our house is still a mess and I do more laundry than I ever knew could circulate in one household. I'm constantly on the go - and constantly needing my own mom because even though I am the one who is supposed to know what I'm doing here, I feel like I'm sure to mess everything up and need to hear her tell me I'm doing alright. I will be absolutely lost when the day comes that I can't call my mom when I need her.... My heart aches for my family and friends who have had to say goodbye to their moms. Moms are always needed. <br />
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Being "Mom" is a huge responsibility - a life long job. Being "Mom" is commitment, perseverance, loyalty, protecting, advocating... unconditional love. And that is all present in a mom even towards children who have left us much too soon. Because being a mom... loving your children... has got to be the absolute deepest bond that exists except that between us and God himself - and it starts well before our babies are ever born into this world.<br />
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I love being a mom. I love being Rachel's mom. I'm thankful that having to let go of Rachel and surrender my idea of the perfect family has given me these three other children I may not have if my plan wasn't interrupted. I'm thankful that God used her in too many ways to count to make my life richer and more meaningful. <br />
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I wish I was better at what I do. I wish I was the mom I always thought I'd be from all those years of Early Education classes and jobs... but I'm just not. I'm not because life is more complicated than I ever imagined - than any text book ever warned. I never expected it to be so hard - and I never knew that hard could be so amazing.<br />
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It rained a lot today. After we left the cemetery, we got some caramel sundaes, and the sun came out again. I posted on fb that there must be a rainbow... sure enough, multiple people shared pictures and told me of rainbows they could see from where they were. <br />
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Being a mom means some times you can't see the rainbow from where you are at... but that doesn't mean they aren't there. It's just that sometimes as a mom, you need your friends to remind you that God's promises are true until you are able to see the rainbows again for yourself.<br />
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I thank the Lord for my mom, my children, and my friends who continue to remember Rachel and ride the waves of this journey with me. I Thank the Lord that I am a mom... for all the joy... and even all the sorrow... and everything in between.Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-11629023778285475902016-03-27T00:36:00.003-04:002016-03-27T00:36:40.471-04:00The Dress<div class="separator tr_bq" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've sat to write this post 3 times already. <br />
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Last night I stared at the blank screen for a long time and didn't write a single word. I think there should probably be 3-4 different posts here - if only I had the time... the drive... the mental energy.<br />
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I'm sure if you've been around awhile, you've heard of *the* dress I had that I wanted to put Rachel in. I bought it the week before her diagnosis when Des and I went out for my birthday. It was on clearance for $1 and I had no idea if it was a girl yet, but the price was right. I brought it home, and hung it on a nail that was already in my wall in my livingroom.<br />
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The next week, we got her diagnosis and when I got home from that ultrasound, this dress was the first thing I saw when I walked into the livingroom... right before I saw Desirae's 7 year old smile, waiting to hear if she was getting a sister.<br />
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That dress hung there for a lonnnng time. I can't remember how long exactly, but it was her entire pregnancy and a long time after. Through my pregnancy, I would look at it every time I entered the room and say to myself "Hope does not disappoint us." It was what I held onto... that maybe - just maybe - she'd be healed and one day wear that dress. <br />
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Of course, she never did. It hung on this wall as she died in my arms and hour away from home, never to see our home with her own eyes. <br />
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Eventually, I took it down. The nail remained there as a reminder that God had graced me with so much hope throughout that entire time... impossible without Him... but one day I hung a picture of me holding her in the OR on it. <br />
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In the beginning of my pregnancy with Eden, God continuously called me to face my fears and "step out of the boat". I wrote a few posts about that early on... about just how hard it was for me to be pregnant at all, let alone with another Christmas baby and with all my health issues. One day right around that time, Sam came home from church with a project on Jesus calming the storm. I hung it with the photo because I can't think of another time in my life that Jesus brought calm and peace in the most unexpected of places than in that delivery room as I watched her die. And if He can do that there, it's possible anywhere.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">of course this is #1243 in my photos ♥</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">time stamp... 12:03 ♥</td></tr>
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If you know me, I'm not one to hang random stuff around my house. I'm pretty into my decor looking put together. So this nail has consistently held things that seem out of place, that only my heart really gets. <br />
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Almost 2 years ago, we moved a bunch of our stuff to a friend's attic so we could put our house on the market (again). I put all of Rachel's stuff into a couple of big totes and even moved her hope chest out of here to make the house more spacious for showings. I went back for her hope chest that year on her birthday - I couldn't stand not having it here. But the other tote I left. I actually forgot about it. Until Eden came along.<br />
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In that tote, there was a big plastic bag with things I had for Rachel, most of which she didn't ever get to use. The things she actually wore I had here, but I had a lot of clothes I never got to put on her... and in that bag was *the* dress. <br />
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I sat here yesterday afternoon, looking through the bag, with Eden laying next to me... such a wide range of emotions. I found the first outfit I planned to put Rachel in that my friend Harlee bought for her. It was that day that she said "I guess purple will be her color!" She bought it in October I think, and it had a bunny on it. Odd timing for a bunny, but I didn't realize it until I pulled it out yesterday, just before Easter. It is too small to fit Eden and never would have (and it was too small for Rachel, which is why she never wore it)... but then I found a little bunny blanket. I had two of those - but I buried her with her lamb and kept the other lamb, so I didn't use these. I gave one to Harlee for her daughter who was born just a couple weeks after Rachel and I kept the other. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was going to be Eden's Easter gift from Rachel...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">photo courtesy of Asa :) and when I looked at the time stamp - 11:10 </td></tr>
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I pulled out all of the clothes, hoping something would still be able to go on Eden, but most of it was up to 3 months and she is wearing 3-6 or 6 month clothes already. I felt a little crazy as I laid out all the things I had for Rachel... all the things I had put into a tote that I was never going to be able to use, but couldn't get rid of. And did I really think there was a chance I'd need that much for her?? I don't know....<br />
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But as I went through it, I realized that there were quite a few things with cupcakes on them. Some were things my sister's friend Colleen gave me second hand, and one thing I bought. <br />
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I didn't remember that at all, but when I saw them, I realized someone else 'happened to be' sporting some cupcakes that day under her sleeper on the day I happened to go through these...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this was handed down from someone else!!</td></tr>
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After over an hour of going through this stuff (including her scrapbook I started when I was pregnant with Asa and never touched again), I felt drained. I guess I started to question what in the world am I doing holding onto these clothes that Rachel never wore, never would - and her siblings never would and they only take up space. For what? Why is everything so complicated? <br />
<br />
And that's the feeling I was left with for the day - and the one that had me at a complete loss for how to write this post... it is that feeling that makes me question why I even still blog. Is it possibly still helping anyone? Does it help me? Who is it for? Does Rachel care? Is my life now relevant to Rachel's Legacy?<br />
<br />
So, as I sat there, holding Eden with the white screen in front of me, I got the urge to put her in the dress. I had washed it earlier in the day. I looked up at the clock and it was 10:27 ♥ For the next half hour, late in the night and alone with my 3rd little girl, I finally put a baby in *the* dress. It's funny how I never noticed it had daisies on it until long after Rachel was gone, but it does. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's either wondering why I'm taking pictures in the middle of the night or hoping I'm not taking her out of the house without pants - LOL</td></tr>
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<br />
Not much of a 'dress' on this chubba wubba, but if I put some pants on under it, it will make a super cute shirt for a super cute little sister ♥<br />
<br />
I got her back in her PJ's and nursed her to sleep... I hate that I never had any of those late night, just me & her times with Rachel. These are the most precious hours with my babies. But after she went to sleep, I was having trouble sleeping. I was thinking about the tag on the dress... it was a "Faded Glory" brand from Walmart.<br />
<br />
<i>Faded Glory</i>... I wondered if the reason I stare at blank screens is because Rachel's Legacy is fading. I wondered if maybe my words are hard to come by because I'm not the same writer with the same purpose, bringing the same glory to God.<br />
<br />
I looked at the tag again and saw that the size said for up to 43cm. I picked up the dress and looked at the tag inside the diaper cover. (I never realized this was a two piece, I always thought it was connected!) It said "Rally Blue". I don't know what made me look up the word "rally", but I did. I looked in many different places because it has a few different meanings, but here are a few...<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>Use <i>rally </i>to describe that last push to finish a difficult something. When you hit that last mile in the race and are so tired you want to quit, that's when you <i>rally</i>, finding strength to pick up the pace."</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>A marked recovery of strength or spirits during an illness</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>Return to a former condition</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>A quick or marked recovery after a period of weakness</li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>To bring together again in order to keep fighting </li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<ul>
<li>To rouse from depression or weakness </li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
<br />
**Here I am again... another day has passed since I started this post.... I just can't get my thoughts out and it's kind of frustrating trying. It's never been so hard for me to write before! anyway....<br />
<br />
We had missed our usual Good Friday visit with Rachel and so we went today. We had to clear off some of her decor, per new cemetery rules... so we did that and we had a picnic there. The kids played for a couple of hours and had a blast. Me, Des & Eden went for a walk around the 'block' there together. It was a nice afternoon together.<br />
<br />
I tried to do our annual Good Friday photo, but boy is it hard to get a good photo with all these kids! It's neat to see our family grow with each Good Friday shot though.<br />
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I also had Eden wear the dress...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">♥ sisters ♥</td></tr>
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<br />
I guess the reason I have such a hard time blogging these days is because I have a hard time making complete stories out of my thoughts. And for days, this dress - and all that it meant in July 2010 through until today - has been on my mind constantly... trying to figure out what God is wanting me to hear. <br />
<br />
I sat above the spot where my sweet Rachel's body lay, holding her little sister in her dress. And I know that God is healing me though all these little earthly 'rallies'. I do feel like this year, I hit a whole new bottom in my life - with all the changes that we've had in our home from Matt's job, to the kids going to school, to both of my grandfather's dying within 6 months of each other... Once again, I was brought to a place of brokenness that has led me to such sweet surrender. A place where I needed my God more and where He revealed so much I needed to know about myself to become more like Him. <br />
<br />
And here... just as things in all other areas of my life seem to be turning around... I found Rachel's clothes and the dress. And it is the only thing of Rachel's that fits Eden when I did. The one piece of clothing that continuously hurt that it remained empty... and today, it's not.<br />
<br />
I do feel like I have been given a renewed strength and am ready to pick up the pace. Except not in ways I would have expected. Not in a Martha kind of way... but in a Mary kind of way. God has put so many things on my heart for the days ahead. Slow... relational...meaningful...purposeful days with my husband and the 6 children He has given me to watch over here on earth. And this rally hasn't come as a result of Eden joining our family - but instead, I believe that God already knew I would be in this place when He sent her to be with me at this particular time in our lives. <br />
<br />
He's so good. I'm so thankful. And I can't wait to celebrate Easter - and the truth that Jesus Christ conquered the grave!! It's the greatest day in history... It's the reason I'll see her again - and why I can trust Him with the details between now and then.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Thank You for the cross, my Lord.</i><br />
<br />
<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-33133230219698202162016-03-14T17:26:00.004-04:002016-03-14T17:26:57.025-04:00I Go WithoutFor the first few years after Rachel died, I would lay down at night hoping that I wouldn't dream of her... <br />
<br />
As a general rule, I was afraid to lay down at night because my mind had no distractions and would automatically land on Rachel - and usually I would cry. I'm not sure why I feared crying at night so much... maybe because it feels lonely to cry in the dark....? Maybe because things hurt more when there is nothing between your heart and the silence...? I don't know, but I know others can probably relate.<br />
<br />
I have had only one dream with Rachel in it since the scary dreams I had before we got her diagnosis. It was in 2011 and I woke up feeling comforted, but a little sad. You can read it <a href="http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/2011/07/in-my-dreams.html">HERE</a> <br />
<br />
Still, I was afraid to dream of her. I would ask God when I laid down to not let me dream of her because I was afraid it would either be scary or make me miss her more. I am not usually one who tries to avoid feeling things - but this has been a consistent fear of mine - to dream of her and wake up hurting more than I already did.<br />
<br />
Some time last year, I started to ask God to allow me to dream of her again. I asked him specifically to let me meet her in my dreams.... I felt ready to feel what that might bring. I was hoping He might give me a glimpse of her face... a moment of her laughter... a peek into her life... I was hoping He might show me who she is in heaven... what she looks like... sounds like... I was hoping to feel like she wasn't dead... like she was a normal, healthy kid who never left me... like she'll be when I see her again. I wasn't wanting my mind to bring me to Rachel in my sleep, but rather was hoping that God himself would hijack my dreams and show me her heavenly beauty.<br />
<br />
Last Friday, I had a dream about Rachel.<br />
<br />
This dream, though, was nothing that I had asked for... nothing I had longed for... nothing I have wanted to remember - and yet I can't get the thing out of my mind. It's haunted me for the last 10 days. <br />
<br />
In my dream, I told Matt I had some of Eden's clothes that I wanted to put on Rachel... so we went and dug her up. In my dream, this was a totally normal thing to do. We dug her up and put a board over her hole so that nobody would fall into it and then brought her home and put an outfit on her. I'm not sure why the outfit was so specific, but it was a white sleeper that my Aunt bought for her that has little bikes, flowers, a girl and a puppy... and a touch of sparkle... but nothing pink or purple at all. That surprises me since it's always the girly stuff that makes me wish I could have dressed her up... <br />
<br />
I was sitting back in the hospital bed and Matt was holding her and held her up for me to see it. I got disappointed and I said it was too small for her. I said "She's grown since we buried her... we'll have to get a bigger size." She looked just like Eden, but a little bigger. We decided to keep her with us for the night so we could get her some bigger clothes. <br />
<br />
Matt wanted to put her in Eden's sleep rocker... and this is part that bothers me.... I got grossed out. I was like "I know she's Rachel, but she *has* been dead for 5 years and she is deteriorating and must have germs all over her." Matt said "It'll be fine, I'll wipe her up." as he started to wipe her hands with baby wipes and her skin was coming off with the dirt. I got really upset and said "You can't put her on that, I don't want her to get Eden sick. Please... just go put her back in her grave. I won't be able to sleep unless I know she is safely buried again and won't touch any of Eden's things" He agreed and we went back to bury her again... But we couldn't find her grave. In its place instead was my Grandpa's grave, but even that was hidden under this cement covering. We went to a community building to try to find a shovel so we could dig her grave again and instead we found these large music makers - like the ones behind the rainbow on her Ark Playground. <br />
<br />
And that is all I remember. We dug up our dead baby, dressed her in clothes too small, wouldn't let her touch any of Eden's things, got to see my Grandpa's grave (hard one because he was supposed to be buried on the same family plot that Rachel is, but plans changed after he died so his grave there remains empty), I didn't hold her, I saw no life in her at all... and I woke up before I knew where her body was being kept.<br />
<br />
Last night I was at JCPenny's and I saw the sleeper... and my heart skipped a beat. I found myself staring at this outfit, touching it and trying to figure out why it made its way into my dream. I hadn't even put it on Eden yet in real life. I lifted it up and the shirt that comes with it says "I love kisses from Mommy." My heart sank... <br />
<br />
I have lots of thoughts on what pieces of this dream could mean... what they could be referring to... where the idea might have come from... what fears/regrets/sadness might have been floating around in my head to make the dream go the way it did... but mostly, it just makes me really sad.<br />
<br />
The next night, I wanted to sleep with her blanket really bad - I looked over and Eden was sound asleep wrapped in it... and I had to go without. <br />
<br />
And I guess that feeling right there is the overall memory from that dream... the feeling of her being gone... of all the things I long to see and asked of God in my dream because I long to know them... to know her... to hear, see, feel, love her... to kiss her again....<br />
<br />
But I have to go without.<br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-38623098846083110242016-03-01T10:48:00.003-05:002016-03-01T10:48:38.330-05:00Amazon Smile DonationsYou can support our non profit just by shopping on Amazon Smile. They give a percentage of what you spend to Baby Rachel's Legacy when you pick it as your charity.<br />
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Here is a link if you are interested!<br />
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<a href="https://smile.amazon.com/ch/45-2470352">https://smile.amazon.com/ch/45-2470352</a><br />
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Thanks!Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-90098358565870206972016-02-24T18:57:00.002-05:002016-02-24T19:57:16.719-05:00Healing BalmI'm not sure if I've blogged about this or not, but we decided long before Eden was born that we would not be having visitors for a while after I gave birth. Mostly, this was because we've done this enough times to know that the first couple of weeks, rest and bonding time is crucial for healing and milk supply - and also sets us up for how the next few MONTHS will go - long after everyone else goes home. We've done this enough times to know that visiting can be so draining and we're smart enough to know that 6 kids at home to take care of is no small task and rest would be necessary if I was going to be able to take it on. So, despite some backlash, we set a boundary that many didn't like, but most were good about respecting. Thank you for that. It was a great help to us.<br />
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After Eden's scare on the 26th, I got even more serious about protecting her from germs and the drives to the hospital and back constantly really wore me out. So once we were home for good, I didn't want to leave.<br />
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It got to be February and I still hadn't decorated or shoveled Rachel's grave and it was wearing on me. I called my friend Ellen who lives near Rachel's cemetery and asked her if she would go with me to clean it up because it was getting dark and I don't like being there at night alone. She did and so we went and took care of it, star gazed a bit, talked a lot, and then I went to her house for awhile after.<br />
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She has a grandson she takes care of who was born on Rachel's birthday, same day, same year. Since they live near Rachel's spot, I see them walking there often and have seen her a few times over the last 5 years pushing him in a stroller near Rachel's grave. I always look and think that's how big she would be...<br />
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Ellen introduced him to me again and he very quickly responded "I love you Mrs. Aube!" which was the best thing I had heard all day. ♥ And, well, he was absolutely in love with Eden... and so when he asked to hold her, even though the only other person to hold her had been my mom (because she spent a night with us at the hospital when Eden got sent back to Maine), I couldn't say no. <br />
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He's far from looking like Rachel would... being a boy and all :) But I could just imagine her holding her little sister and how in love she would be with her. He was very honored to know he got to hold her first...<br />
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There are so many things along this journey with my sweet Christmas baby Eden Joy that I don't think I could have handled if I had another Christmas girl any sooner. The timing of her arrival is just right for all these amazing moments to be moments that heal my heart just a little more each time. Emotion comes at times when nobody else would guess it's that complicated in my heart - it's been that way all along - except more often now, the complication helps soothe the parts of my heart that would suddenly sting before without having any way of relief... It's as if Eden brought with her a healing balm for every sting, every sore spot on my heart or mind, every scar left from wounds being reopened... and just having her with me applies that heavenly balm to the exact place I'll need it, just when I do. The pain still exists, the wounds and scars still there... I still fall apart at times. But if there was ever a time when I felt that God was able to use the things that I'm experiencing with another child of mine to relieve some of the pain of what I'm missing with Rachel - it is now. It is Eden Joy. It has never been so... this.... so... Perfect. But it is now and I'm so, so thankful.<br />
<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-70485397000853309782016-02-16T23:46:00.002-05:002016-02-17T00:16:18.556-05:00Here's My HeartI think you all know that I've always homeschooled my kids... and I have mentioned briefly that this past September, I put my two oldest in a Christian school - not because I really wanted to, but more because I felt like I needed to for a few reasons. I was hoping it would bring me relief in the pressure I feel, but I just don't think that's possible with a family my size and with the ages of our children at the moment. About a month ago, I put Sam in public school because I have felt for a few years now that he has special needs of some sort and this year, with the new baby coming, I wasn't able to give him my all and thought the public school system would have the resources to figure out what Sam needs.<br />
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And although I know all of this needed to happen this year - and I will always do what I feel best for my kids, even if it hurts my pride - I hate it. <br />
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Our homeschool is called Undivided Hearts Academy... I named it with the verse from Psalm 86:11 in mind... <i>Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.... </i>In reference to our homeschool, this meant to me that we homeschool to learn HIS ways and that by learning His ways, we learn to rely on Him - and by relying on Him, we find that he is always faithful and we remain in Him and fear Him - and the Bible says that the beginning of WISDOM is the fear of the Lord. And I homeschooled my kids so they would become wise. Not just book smart.<br />
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Also in the heart of that name for me. was the idea that we would not be divided. We would be together... together physically, but also on the same page spiritually. And even Rachel was one with us because in Christ nothing - not even death - can separate us. <br />
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Every day since September I have questioned my decision. Every day I have regretted at least once that I wasn't able to make the vision I had for my family a reality for them... for us... for God...<br />
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This past few weeks I have really been seeking God on this. I've talked to other homeschool moms of large families on how they did it - and even tested the waters with the kids on the topic of returning to homeschool next year, but I have asked God a million times what I should do. I just don't want to have any regrets... The pros and cons list seems obvious - but there is a part of me that envisions next year being home with just Eden and fool myself into thinking that the ability to get my house clean and feel more "put together" or whatever would somehow fulfill me. I've bought into some of the lies that I've heard along the way... the way the world/society wants us to feel... we aren't capable of teaching our kids... we aren't enough... I can't do right by them... that I am selling them short...<br />
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I can't say I won't mess up a hundred times a day. But I can't say I don't with them IN school either. All I know is that when they are all here, my heart feels right. And when they aren't, it doesn't. I know that the things they come home telling me - almost every single day - are things that make my heart swell with concern for theirs. I know that the one hope I had was that if we all had some time apart, our relationships would be better, is totally opposite of what has happened. But on the flip side of that, I know that God sees what I can't and that He uses EVERYTHING. I just need to trust Him when I don't know all the answers.<br />
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So today, all of my kids were sick - except Eden so far, thank God - They picked up this horrible cold that comes with high fevers and upper respiratory problems. I spent the day cleaning, disinfecting, trying to get them to eat, and rotating Tylenol and Ibuprofen all day. But they were all here and we were undivided... and we had an awesome day... we connected.<br />
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A few weeks ago, I went out shopping on a night I was missing Rachel really bad and totally overwhelmed with Matt's work schedule leaving me home alone with all the responsibilities for 70 hours that week. I picked up two Yankee Candles that were on sale to satisfy my attempt at retail therapy. On the way to the checkout, I stopped to look at this "You are my sunshine" sign I saw and I dropped the "Sun and Sand" one and it shattered everywhere. Everyone looked... and there I was - the exhausted, lonely, grieving mom... out late at night buying discount candles because the distance I feel within my family since Matt's new job started and the kids started school 6 weeks after that is excruciating and it was less painful to just be alone.<br />
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I was in my bathroom cleaning today and I had lit the other candle... I don't often light candles because with boys, it's not safe, but I was knee deep in laundry and cleaning pee off the toilet so I was in there awhile. Like every other day, my mind was going over all the pros and cons of homeschool... how I could do this without failing them... wondering where on earth my confidence went with all of this... praying that if I go ahead and do what I feel I'm supposed to do, rather than what sounds easier, that I won't mess them up forever - and really just trying to figure out if it's God telling me this - or just me having a hard time with my kids growing up....<br />
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I finished up (my bathroom looks *amazing* right now!) and went to blow out the candle and noticed a heart dancing around. I did a double take to be sure I wasn't seeing things... I went to grab my camera, assuming it would be gone when I got back, but it wasn't. Sam came in and said "Hey look, there's a heart!" - we watched it together in awe - a moment I would have totally missed with him had he been in school today.<br />
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I don't know about you, but I've never seen a candle burn like that. This photo is not edited at all - except to add Rachel's name to it. A heart?! I watched it for quite awhile and as it separated and came back together, forming a perfect heart once more, I just wondered if I truly believe it when I say my God is faithful? Do I believe it when I say He is more than enough? Do I believe it when I say that Hope in Him anchors my soul? Do I believe that if He calls me to something that He will equip me for it? Do I believe He is still listening... still there... still working... even when I can't hear Him? And do I trust Him enough to wait on Him? Do I believe, that if God changes my role in the lives of my children, that even if it hurts, that He knows what He is doing? Do I believe that He can cover all of my failures in their lives? <br />
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Today I read Proverbs 31 and was challenged by the verse that says she laughs at the days to come... in other words, she didn't fear the future. At all. I want to be that part of the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to pour myself into my home and the loves that fill it up so full and do everything I can to make this place a haven for them - to make sure they know that I love them and will take care of them...that they are safe with me... to show them how our Father in heaven loves us... without fear... and I don't think I can ever fully do that if I'm out of step with God's call on my life. <br />
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Now I need to just figure out if that call has changed... or if I'm just fighting it because somewhere deep down, I don't feel adequate for the position. But I have this burning desire in my heart to be together - undivided - with God and with my children - here and in heaven. I feel like I'm faking my way through this school bus mom role and my heart is just yearning for the old days... This doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel like what I was made to do....<br />
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I've been wandering, so uncertain of so much - and I just need more of God or I doubt anything will make sense any time soon. I'm willing to do whatever He wants me to - I am just struggling to know what that is - in so many ways.<br />
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I stumbled upon this song tonight while looking for another song I heard on the radio. I love Lauren Daigle... this song really got me - and of course the timing was perfect, as usual.<br />
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<i>Here's my heart Lord, speak what is true.... drive out all the confusion and noise and speak clearly to me please... You're all I have - You're everything... You are strong, sure, life, You endure. You are good. Always true. You are light, breaking through... You are more than enough... You are here, you are hope, love,grace... Here's my heart, Lord... speak what is true...</i><br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-19961310933937340162016-02-12T23:26:00.002-05:002016-02-12T23:26:55.290-05:00Sharing Her BlanketI have a major case of writer's block... and usually only one hand to type with! lol. Currently, I am sitting slightly reclined with Eden resting on my chest while I write this.<br />
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It's a beautiful thing to have "full hands"<br />
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I want to write so much - I want to tell you every detail of all the amazing things that have happened. I want to share the special gifts I've gotten for Eden - and how Rachel was such a part of them all, even when people were unaware as they sent them. And I want to write about every tear I have cried as I continue to miss Rachel in a very complicated and intimate way with Eden. And I just don't have the time - or the words.<br />
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So, I'm just going to write about her blanket for now.<br />
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Her blanket, as most of you know, was an extremely hard part of my journey with Rachel. I wanted the perfect one, but I wanted two of them so she could keep one and so could I. I kept the one that I made that she was wrapped in at the hospital - and she is buried with an identical one that Des made. And I have slept with this blanket every single night (except one when my sister & I stayed in Portland and I forgot it and I struggled to sleep without it) since she left me at the hospital. I bring it everywhere with me. It has been on every getaway, family vacation, and through every hard night with me. It was also on my hospital bed for each of my 3 babies after her. <br />
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I often feel like a freak, 36 years old and sleeping with a blankie... I have thought a million times about how and when I will be able to stop sleeping with it. I figured I can't use it forever... and I wonder if I'm the only mom to do this for this amount of time. I've tried to think of ways I could get out of the habit of sleeping with it that would be ok for my heart...<br />
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The last week of my pregnancy, I had brought it with me to one of the hospital trips and forgot to unpack it when I came home. I remembered it, but for the first time ever, I was able to fall asleep without going to get it. <br />
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And then when Eden was born, I wrapped her in it... It's odd because picking out Eden's blanket was a huge, long process for me and really hard because I didn't know if she was a girl or boy. And then all that, and I used Rachel's at her birth, without even thinking about it - it just came naturally. I didn't even realize I did that until I saw the photos later.<br />
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After we got home, I would sleep with it when I slept without Eden, but that wasn't very often. I just kept it above or beside us. And then a little at a time, I found myself letting Eden use it. It just so happens that Rachel's blanket is the perfect size and weight for a little girl....<br />
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This has been mostly healing for me. But there are times, and they always catch me off guard, that just make me cry. Today was one of them. <br />
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I pick Eden up and hold her tight and thank God through tears that she is here... I tell her I love her and then I'll hear myself say "I miss her so much." <br />
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And I do. So much. It never goes away. <br />
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I remember the day I bought the fabric for this blanket like it was yesterday. I was in JoAnn's and it was PACKED. I looked forever. I think I was there at least 2 hours looking for fabric to make her a quilt. I finally decided to use one that the top was already sewn into patches so that all I had to do was sew a back on it. I stood in line with my huge belly, the rolls of fabric, and the hope sign that I put on my door the night before her birthday. <br />
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Waiting in a long line, with a huge belly, it was bound to happen....<br />
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People started asking me when I was due and what I was having. It was only minutes before one guy made a comment about how horrible it was that I was due on Christmas and how he felt bad for the baby that her birthday would be at Christmas. He said she wouldn't like it at all. He said there was no worse time to have a baby - and everyone around me agreed. Their useless chatter and laughter over their false idea of my daughter's fate had my head and heart hurting. But they remained clueless.<br />
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It was one of the few times that I didn't tell someone about her diagnosis when I was asked so many questions. I don't know why I stayed silent, but I think it was because I was on the verge of a total breakdown and I needed to buy that fabric. I knew if I started talking, I might fall apart. I knew if I told them, and fell apart, I would be in the spotlight while it happened. I knew it was likely I'd leave before I made it thru the line with the fabric. In my head, all I could think was "I'd give ANYTHING to be so "bothered" with a birthday at Christmas time...<br />
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And every once in a while, it hits me - I am. I will be. <br />
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Eden is SO BEAUTIFUL. She is just. so. pretty. She is an amazingly easy and content baby. She smiles ALL the time. I'm blown away by the perfection God created in her. She is awesome. She also looks just like Rachel. Of course, Rachel had the typical anencephaly type traits, like her eyes being puffed out, but when I look at Edens mouth, her lips, her cheeks... her hands and her feet... she looks *just* like Rachel. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">keeping in mind that Eden is about 8-9 pounds heavier than Rachel was in this photo,<br />I still think the resemblance is amazing.</td></tr>
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She has healed parts of my heart I didn't know existed. She has been my sunshine during a very difficult and gray time in my life. She has redefined the idea of a "rainbow baby for me". Rather than her being the pretty thing that happened because the sun came out after the rain stopped, I see her as the very sunshine itself - creating rainbows for me through the rain and constantly putting me in a state of awe that both stops me in my tracks with its beauty - and makes me run for my camera! LOL. She is God's gift to me. And I have no idea why He even sees me fit to care for such an amazing little human - 6 of them! - but I don't feel worthy of the blessing.<br />
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Over 5 years ago, I stood in line carrying the excruciating truth of the purpose for that fabric inside me. A month later, I buried my daughter in half of that fabric. Every day since then, I've clung to the other half in her place. Tonight, I am watching Rachel's little sister sleep wrapped in it.<br />
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What that combination does to me is hard to put into words. All I know is that I am suddenly able to sleep without Rachel's blanket and it feels right to share it with Eden. And I know I'm so very thankful to have another Christmas baby and I look forward to being able to celebrate each year we are given to spend with her - even at... no, *especially* at - Christmas time. <br />
<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-8088593364676180842016-01-30T23:20:00.002-05:002016-01-30T23:20:48.290-05:00Our Pink JoyI have SO much to share - God has been flooding me with love notes from heaven... but I just don't have time to sit down and write. I'm realizing if I want it to happen, I'm going to have to learn how to cut things short - and I'm not good at that! <br />
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So, here is a short version of one of the things I've wanted to share since before Eden's birth...<br />
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I wrote a post on December 20 called <a href="http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/2015/12/unspeakable-joy.html">Unspeakable Joy</a>. In it, I mention the Advent wreath candles and how the week of Rachel's birthday was the candle of Hope (which is purple, Rachel's color) and how on that Sunday, I was brought to tears over the realization that the candle that week (which was the week I was due) is the candle of Joy. There are two very important details I left out of that post...<br />
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One: We knew long before I ever got pregnant that if we ever had another girl, her middle name would be Joy.<br />
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Two: After that day in church, I looked up the advent wreath and learned another amazing thing - the candle of Joy is the only PINK candle on the wreath! <br />
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My early days of pregnancy, I was pretty sure I was having a girl. I kept my heart guarded though and tried to stay neutral. Then at one of my later ultrasounds, the tech called the baby a "he" and I thought she had given it away. I knew there was a chance that she didn't mean anything by it - that actually happened with Desirae too and I was surprised when she was a girl because I convinced myself they had given it away with the use of the word "he"! <br />
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But that day in church, the reason I cried that I couldn't blog then, but can now is that when they said it was the candle of JOY, I looked at Matt and he said, with a tone as if we had been given an answer, "Emma" (which was our original girl name - that story coming soon too I hope!) and I cried because from that moment forward, I was pretty convinced it was a girl. We even told the nurses all about this while I was walking the halls in labor... I was still amazingly surprised when she came and I finally KNEW she was a girl. Watching the video of her birth, after you hear me thanking God that it was a girl and sobbing, you hear Matt say "wow, it's a girl... the pink advent candle..."<br />
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It was as if in that moment, we were not just recognizing, but also experiencing to a whole new level how much and how intimately God communicates with us. How He hears and answers prayers. How he CARES about the desires of our hearts and how perfect His timing is. The way He weaved His story, Rachel's story, and Eden's story all together in so many ways makes me feel like I am literally holding a piece of heaven in my arms ... and I think I truly am. <br />
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Reading more about the advent candles, I saw that many churches light a 5th candle - a white one - that is called the 'Christ candle". It is lit on Christmas Eve and represents the life of Christ that has come into the world.<br />
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On Christmas eve, Matt & I welcomed life into our world... we welcomed life given to us straight from God... we saw His light shine and felt His love pour over us in those precious, irreplaceable, sacred moments as I labored through the pain of childbirth and the nervous anticipation of parents who had already loved and lost... we saw a miracle with our own eyes and were overcome with emotion as she breathed her first breath and let out her first cry....<br />
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"It's a girl... Thank You God..."<br />
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"Wow, it's a girl... the pink advent candle..."<br />
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And as we were lost in that moment of amazement and wonder and thankfulness - all mixed with a touch of fear that we could still lose this precious gift at any moment - the world outside the hospital was preparing for Christmas Day... The Christ candles were being lit. The songs of Joy and of peace and of a baby being born were being sung. Families were snuggling in for the night and preparing to shower their families with gifts the next morning... <br />
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We didn't have the candles, the music, the trees or the presents under them... we weren't even together with all our children. (we never are...) But on Christmas Eve, we were in the midst of the miracle of all that we celebrate within those symbolic things. We were living it - our hearts turned inside out as we experienced the hope, peace, JOY, love and Christ our Lord that are represented in the lighting of those candles.<br />
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We were given the best Christmas gift ever since Christ Himself. Our pink Joy ♥<br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-654272177365804652016-01-10T22:27:00.000-05:002016-01-10T22:35:00.337-05:00Eden's First Visit The plan was to stop at Rachel's grave on the way home from the hospital with Eden... we left on Christmas Day, but about 3 hours later than planned - because nothing with 5 kids goes 'as planned'.<br />
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We stopped on the way home to get hot chocolates at Cumbies since it was free for Christmas. And everyone fell apart in the truck while Matt was inside getting them. I wanted nothing more than to bring Rachel one - but I knew it wasn't a good idea to push that and so we just went straight home.<br />
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I was okay with that, but as the days have continued to fly by, I started to feel really bad that I hadn't checked on her stuff since her birthday - and it has been well over a month now...<br />
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So yesterday, me, Matt and Eden went for her first visit to her sister's grave. I guess it's fitting that she would meet her sister before anyone else since we haven't had a visit other than this yet. ♥ As we got close, Matt questioned which exit it was again - I said "just think how many kids we have..." (exit 7) trying to give him a way to remember it... and I started to cry. We have SEVEN kids. "Some people never get to have one" I said. We are so thankful for these seven blessings from God. May we never take them for granted, here or in heaven.<br />
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We had to do a bit of shoveling and so after Matt shoveled out Rachel, I visited by myself for a bit while he took care of a couple of other graves nearby. I needed that time. I often am so task oriented in setting stuff up there that I don't slow down and really just *be* there. I cried a little as I told her about her new sister.... I wish I could see them together....<br />
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When Matt was done, I got Eden out and brought her over to meet Rachel... I hate that. "Meet Rachel"... it's a stone... but anyway... <br />
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It was an extremely strange feeling walking away from Rachel's grave holding a tiny little girl in my arms. I've held two other babies there and did the same type of introducing and picture taking with each of them - but this was completely different. It was hard. It was amazing. It was joy. It was sorrow. It was everything in between - all wrapped up in just a few short steps that only took a moment or two.... and that is about all I can say about that....<br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-80322849943990676992016-01-10T10:31:00.003-05:002016-01-10T10:31:39.071-05:0043 For the RideOn the way to one of my blood pressure checks in Maine this past week, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on the radio. <br />
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I got lost in thought about Rachel and like the beginning of the song says... all the things we asked for... that we didn't get.<br />
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Sorrow fills my heart regularly, even still. I miss my sweet Rachel Alice every single day. I just have figured out ways to walk with my pain internally and not always allow it to flow out... out where others know. But it's still there - thankfully it's been seasoned with lots of love from others, many days of heartache I thought would kill me that I made it through, and a million love notes from God to reassure me that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not. <br />
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This ride to Maine with my little Eden Joy was one of those love notes from God. My blood pressure was still reading 187/101 even on 400 mg of meds 3 times a day and they were talking about needing to admit me in the hospital again so that they could give me IV meds to reduce my numbers. I wanted to be home like you can't imagine. All I wanted was to be home with my baby. <br />
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For MONTHS leading up to Eden's birth, the thermometer in my truck read 43 degrees at every appointment! But the day after we came home with her, winter seemed to finally arrive and it got cold. On my way to this appointment, it was only 23 degrees. <br />
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So, as I was driving and Laura Story's song came on, my mind went back to Rachel and all the hard, painful days. A few lines into the song, just as it said "All the while, you hear each spoken need - you love us way too much to give us lesser things."<br />
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I looked out my window and the car next to me had this for a plate:<br />
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The 'disguise' of this 43 were not lost on me. Rachel was absolutely a blessing in disguise - all of her - exactly who she was and every bit of her legacy she left behind - in me and through me.... and in and through all of you!</div>
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I went to my appointment and they said we could continue to monitor from home and that they would try to keep me out of the hospital as long as I was willing to come to appointments up there. So then we were driving home and the song I Can Only Imagine came on....</div>
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I listened to the words and thought about the sweet reunion heaven will hold for me. Knowing this earth is not my home, but instead just a place I'm passing through on my way to my real home in heaven with Jesus - The pain here reminds me that I will always thirst here because my until I get there, I will never be completely whole. And Rachel has that. Rachel IS that. Completely whole.</div>
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I listened to the words and imagined her dancing around the feet of our Lord. I'm not mad at Him for taking her from me... I'm just so thankful that when He did, He also received her to himself and cares for her there and much better than I could here. She is safe and happy and full of JOY!</div>
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I was lost in thought - thought of falling to my knees at the awesome sight of my Lord... and thoughts of where Rachel will fit into that all... and no sooner did I have that thought and I saw this plate out my window....</div>
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I looked to my left, with a mouth full of a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich I shouldn't have been eating, and when I saw this plate, I *immediately* started to cry and laugh... and then cry like a baby... Just like I did back in April when I asked God if He would ever give me a little Christmas baby girl again that I could keep and saw the plate that said 43 between two letters. Here I was driving with my living Christmas baby girl in the back and God continued to pour out his love in my language.</div>
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You can't make this stuff up.... </div>
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So on the way there, unsure of what was happening or what was ahead for me as far as a hospital stay or whatever - Blessings in Disguise played reminding me that even the very worst days and hardest nights are all used by God in my life and He holds it all in His hands... </div>
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And on the way home, I dreamed of heaven and imagined what that day would be like - and the number was clear as could be... heaven will bring clarity on things that don't make sense here. Heaven will reveal all the details in God's masterpiece that we didn't see. Heaven will be amazing.</div>
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I got home from this appointment in a different place mentally as far as my health goes... the fear I had on the way there had melted away as I was reminded - yet again - that God has me. He has this. And nothing will happen outside of His will. And anything that happens, He is big enough to carry my family through. I went home and have spent the last week snuggled up with my baby and truly soaking it in without the fear that was plaguing me in the days before. I feel like I have part of heaven here with me and part of me in heaven - and it's a beautifully complicated range of emotions, but I consider myself to be richly blessed by it all. I'm so thankful God gives me 43's for my hard rides. Especially the ones I must drive alone....</div>
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What it will be like</div>
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When I walk</div>
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By your side</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
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What my eyes will see</div>
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When your face</div>
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Is before me</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
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Chorus:</div>
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Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel</div>
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Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still</div>
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Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall</div>
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Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
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When that day comes</div>
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And I find myself</div>
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Standing in the Son</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
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When all I will do is forever</div>
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Forever worship You</div>
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I can only imagine</div>
</span>Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-65525487097498591752016-01-10T00:11:00.000-05:002016-01-10T00:11:17.942-05:00It's a GIRL!!!The last couple of weeks have been... intense.<br />
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Intense pain. Intense love. Intense fear. Intense joy. </div>
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I've got so much to write, I wish I could make blog posts happen with just the thought of it... But one of the major changes over the last 5 years without Rachel is the fact that I have 3 more children than I did before she came and went. I never imagined hours could get even shorter than they were back when I had just 3 kids here, but they have - and severely! </div>
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So, I'm going to give the 'quick version' and get you up to speed and then hope I can go back and tell you some of the amazing ways God showed me He is still in every tiny detail in other posts. I figure if I at least make that my plan, I won't feel like I need to squash it all into this post because that could get long!</div>
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We'll start with labor... I wasn't going into it! On Wednesday the 23rd, my blood pressure spiked at home and I called the Dr, expecting them to just tell me to start my blood pressure meds back up. I was a load of mixed emotions when the Dr said that I should come in for monitoring, but that they would likely induce me because the benefit of staying pregnant at this point in the game didn't outweigh the risks of the dangers for me and baby if my blood pressure stayed high or went higher, especially during labor.</div>
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I was scared to death because I've had two inductions before - Des and Asa - and they were horrible birth experiences. Of course after how amazingly perfect Ezra's birth was, I was bound to be disappointed with this in comparison no matter what... but I had hoped for something much different than an induction because of my blood pressure. </div>
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I called Matt and he came back home from work and we went up to Maine Med. They watched me for a while and by that afternoon, we were waiting for a labor and delivery room to become available so we could start my induction. Knowing how long inductions can take, especially since I was only 1 cm, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be home for Christmas... </div>
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They started my induction (with a balloon and then the next day pitocin) at 7pm on the 23rd. And on Christmas Eve at 3:28 pm, we welcomed our third little girl, Eden Joy Aube, into the world. She was 9 lbs 4 oz and 20.5 inches long. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPtUTx7hWeMUnP9KqCgm5hl8Gl1WBpzaW1xbrujRaryNXl67RSZH64dHMLLdCpcO3H4lCYGtSvN5C9vTUZnsBCnf70bbBXNB6g8erxbSqbmzkN4uuUlHYBhCui4VX67upsduf3vW-qxeU/s1600/IMG_2992-WM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPtUTx7hWeMUnP9KqCgm5hl8Gl1WBpzaW1xbrujRaryNXl67RSZH64dHMLLdCpcO3H4lCYGtSvN5C9vTUZnsBCnf70bbBXNB6g8erxbSqbmzkN4uuUlHYBhCui4VX67upsduf3vW-qxeU/s400/IMG_2992-WM.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After having a hard time finding a photographer I could afford, I borrowed a camera<br />and took some myself! More to share soon!</td></tr>
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I will never forget the moment she was born. I don't think she was out 2 seconds when I looked to see what she was. "It's a GIRL!! It's a girl! Thank You God!... thank You Jesus, it's a girl..." as I sobbed uncontrollably with joy and thankfulness.<br />
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As Desirae requested, we told nobody the gender until she could come meet the baby and be the first to find out - face to face... she said she didn't want to be disappointed on the way to the hospital if it was a boy, but knew once she was there she wouldn't care because babies are all cute. So we waited until that night when my friend Mel brought the kids up to see us and meet the baby. They all walked in and I said nothing, just showed them her wearing a hat with a bow on it... Des started laughing, then crying, then laughing, then crying... it had me and Matt both in tears. It was amazing to see her reaction to what we all know has been her constant prayer with God too. And since that moment, everything within her has appeared lighter. I know this little sister was just what my big girl needed. I'm so thankful that God has answered that request for her too. Even more than for myself - I wanted Des to have a little sister she can dress up and drive to dance class (her ideas!) :) I can't wait to see how they bond. There is nothing like relationship between sisters ♥</div>
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Things got pretty crazy for a while from that moment on... from having trouble delivering my placenta, to me bleeding too much, to leaving the hospital a day early so I could be home Christmas night - and ending up in the local ER the next day because Eden stopped breathing... where the very misinformed Dr told us her blood work showed a major infection...which led to her being given 4 (failed) spinal taps and then her & I being transferred to Maine Med by ambulance where we spent another night (and thankfully my mom stayed with me because I was thoroughly EXHAUSTED and Matt had to be home with the kids so they wouldn't know anything was wrong) only to find out the next day that the ER Dr in Rochester had no clue what she was talking about and Eden's blood work numbers were NORMAL for her age - not normal for an adult, but she isn't an adult! So we went through all of that and put our little girl though an enormous amount of pain for nothing.... Thank God I asked to go to Maine and not stay at Frisbie - I can only imagine what she would have endured if she stayed there. They were about to start her on 'the heavy duty antibiotics' for her 'infection'. God protected her from that when Maine called and canceled the antibiotic until they could see her and do their own spinal tap - which as soon as we got there, they decided was not necessary right away!</div>
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And then a day after we got home, my blood pressure went through the roof and I've been back to Maine multiple times for that and am still not done dealing with it.</div>
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But as I sit here typing this, Eden is next to me, wrapped up in Rachel's blanket (which I didn't realize until I just looked through the pictures again, but we wrapped her in it at birth too ♥ and that wasn't planned - I just always have it on my bed when I deliver) She is healthy and at her apt this week, was up to 10 lbs already. I am feeling stronger and have set boundaries to allow myself as slow a pace as one person with 6 kids at home can have - I have hunkered down and am just enjoying time with my sweet little girl... time I desperately need for so many reasons. And it's really helping in so many ways. </div>
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And so I've had just one goal every day and that is to soak in the moments and not take them for granted. I've been working to keep my days slow so that the other 5 kids see Eden as the blessing that I do and enjoy her arrival as much as me and Matt - which they won't if I am running myself ragged trying to keep everyone else happy and doing too much. For the first time since I had just Des, my mind and emotions after birth are not just stable, but actually really good. If only I knew then what I know now! </div>
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Matt & I have had some sweet times together. This has definitely been a time of bonding for us as well. He's been an amazing help to me and watching him with his baby girl is precious. I'm pretty sure this little girl is going to be spoiled. Hopefully we don't spoil her rotten! lol. But as I look back over the last 5 years and the last 2 of Rachel's younger siblings, I am so completely positive that this timing was absolutely perfect for us to welcome another little girl into our home. God knew. He knows me better than I know myself... and I'm so thankful for that... because what He gives is better than anything I could come up with myself. <br />
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It just took me over 3 hours to write this post with a couple of nursing sessions, diaper changes, a couple of snacks, interruptions from the big kids and my head just not working right.... and that is why I'm not blogging much! Holy cow! I have so much more to share and hopefully I'll get to it, but for now, she is here, she is awesome and I get to call her mine for a while ♥ Thank you Jesus. ♥</div>
Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-99400039966124695.post-82931102294983602552015-12-20T23:53:00.000-05:002015-12-20T23:53:39.042-05:00Unspeakable JoyWell, the 16th - and the 18th - came and went and I'm still pregnant! <br />
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On Friday night, I was having contractions for about 6 hours when we headed into the hospital just after midnight (Sat morning)... It turned out to be a horrible experience because they checked me and I was still only 1cm. They wanted to give me a couple of hours and recheck, but I asked if I could just go home so I could get some sleep. They agreed until they noticed the baby's heart rate was too low... they had me move around and it was still too low... so they ordered an ultrasound and it was the longest ultrasound I've ever had - literally. She stared at the screen, wiggling my belly, with a concerned look on her face for over 20 minutes before she called for a second set of eyes and said "I'm not seeing any movement or tone."<br />
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She got off the phone and said she didn't want me to worry... hmmm... yeah, no problem lady. Low heart rate, unable to see movement, thought I was in labor and I'm not, hadn't felt the baby move much all day - yeah, I'm not worried at all...<br />
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I just said "Well, I guess I'm in the right place for this to be happening..." but inside all I could think was I should just schedule a c-section and get this baby out before I lose it.... <br />
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They sent me home an hour later telling me everything was fine... I didn't really believe it, but what choice did I have? Not much.<br />
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We got home and in bed around 5am, I had been up all night long. The kids woke me up an hour later and I tried to sleep through their morning commotion and arguing. <br />
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I got up a few hours later and before long, between being exhausted and worried, I was in tears. Matt's not usually overly good at making me feel better when I'm upset - especially if it's something he doesn't understand, but while we talked, I figured out that I was really worried about the chance of not being home on Christmas. I didn't realize that it was weighing on me like it was until then, but he had just the right words for me. He encouraged me that no matter when this baby comes, even if it's on Christmas, we will be together and the kids will be ok with however it goes. If we have to wait a few days to do Christmas together, we will. (a huge bonus in not doing Santa) And then he just told me to do whatever I needed to do for me for this weekend... to rest and enjoy the kids and our time off together... and to trust God with the rest.<br />
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So I ate breakfast and lounged around and slept on and off throughout the day - snuggled with the kids on the couch - and enjoyed the last moments of being pregnant and feeling this little one move around inside of me. And it was exactly what I needed.<br />
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We went to church this morning, on time for the first time in I don't know how long... I felt so much better after taking time to rest and also in letting go of what I thought would be best for timing of this baby's arrival. My mind and body just felt lighter.<br />
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I don't regret asking for specifics, even if I didn't get them... I did the same with Rachel and most of the things I asked for, God said "no". I've learned that it doesn't mean He didn't hear or doesn't care, but rather that His ways are not our ways, yet they are always better.<br />
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I know I've talked about this before, but you all know that the word "HOPE" was Rachel's word... it was the constant theme of my time with - and now without - her. And I've mentioned a few times that this baby's word has been "JOY". <br />
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I didn't realize it until the year after Rachel died when I was sitting in church the weekend of her birthday and they lit the first Advent candle, that the first candle of the Advent season is the candle of Hope. I hadn't even considered how she would be born in the first week of Advent, but every year that has been a very special way to start December without her - as I remember her and her life and death, I'm also being reminded of the hope we have in Jesus and in eternity because of Him. <br />
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Today, because God didn't answer my prayer to have the baby last week, I was sitting in church when they lit the 3rd Advent candle of the season... the candle of Joy! Matt & I just looked at each other and smiled - and I started to cry. I knew at that very moment that I was supposed to be there today. The songs, the message - it was all just what I needed to hear.<br />
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As we sang Chris Tomlin's Joy to the World...<br />
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Joy, unspeakable Joy<br />An overflowing well, no tongue can tell<br />Joy, unspeakable Joy<br />It rises in my soul, never lets me go</blockquote>
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I rocked this baby and felt his/her twists and kicks and relished in how amazing it is that I have a life inside of me... and that (s)he can hear me singing those Christmas songs. And for as much as this baby wasn't moving on Friday night, it made up for it today! <br />
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But at the end of the day, what I feel is total contentment and trust in whenever God sees best for this baby to arrive. I have gotten so much prepared and have a few things I want to get done still, but mostly, my one and only goal is to let myself rest in God as I bask in the joy of being pregnant... the fact that I feel exceptionally good physically and mentally for being 39 weeks along... feeling this baby move around and how I alone get this sacred time with him/her... knowing that when God says 'no' there is a reason and it's always a better one than any reason I am asking for... and believing wholeheartedly that whatever He does decide is right will be amazing and I get to be a part of it.<br />
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During today's service, I was so thankful I was there (I didn't think I would be because I was sure I'd have had the baby before today!) and got to see and hear the things I did that only confirmed for me how safe I am in God's hands... I was so humbled. So thankful. So overwhelmed with emotion. God is so good to me.<br />
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And I hate even trying to write about any of this because words don't do it justice and I almost feel like they take away from what actually happened in my heart today at church. But as I was leaving today, a friend said she would be praying for the arrival of the baby and for me to have joy through it... and she knew none of the above...<br />
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I just responded with a smile and said "unspeakable joy" - and I think that sums it up...<br />
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<br />Rachel's Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085949875951256158noreply@blogger.com3