Plan B

Well, we decided to come up with a "Plan B" after having to cancel our trip to Florida. It was very obvious that Florida would have been too much for me this week.  I look and feel like I could go into labor at any moment and I have 10 weeks left to go! I am at the point in my pregnancy where most women start counting down because you start to get unbearably uncomfortable.  Usually the last 2 weeks I'm pregnant are torture on my back (I always carry like a big basketball and get huge) and I have had all my kids 1-2 weeks early and they've all been big babies...the difference is I'm not 2 weeks away, even though it feels it,  and the countdown that we're doing is for the most painful thing I'll ever have to endure - and it's not childbirth... 

 Today when Desirae said she wanted to go to Disney World and I told her we still would, just in a few months when I am not pregnant anymore, it was a reminder of the fact that Rachel will be gone soon.   I will catch myself thinking "I can't wait until this is over" and then realize that "over" means something different this time.  Everywhere we went, someone asked me if I was due any day...and although this is a question I got frequently in my other pregnancies... it says something different this time.  I know the reason I am measuring at 36 weeks, when I'm only 30 is not just because I get a nice round belly when I'm pregnant - although I do and I love that part! - it's because something is wrong with my baby and she is going to die.  It's hard to smile through those conversations, although God somehow gives me the joy and strength to do it every time.  I am so grateful that even when my heart is breaking, I can smile sincerely at the thought of my little girl and the blessing that she is - even if in the next breath I want to cry, and sometimes do. 

 

I think I understand why so many people don't choose to walk this path...it's hard.  It's more than hard.  I never imagined I would be planning a funeral for a baby I can feel kicking inside me while I'm standing on the grave she'll eventually be in.  I never imagined that I would be picking songs for a funeral that will soon have my baby's casket sitting at the front of a room full of people, all while still suffering from heartburn and backaches.  I never thought I'd be picking out a going home outfit that would also be a burial outfit. 

But you know what else I can't imagine?  I can't imagine that there would be any blessing or healing in doing it any other way.  I can't imagine I would feel any better or hurt any less if I decided back in August to end her life before God had done everything He wanted to do with her.  I can't imagine how much that would hurt.  I understand that in the moment of fear and uncertainty, it can seem like the easier route, but I honestly don't believe it is.  This is not any fun at all, but I am making the most of it knowing that this is not the hardest part.  I've had people ask why "they are making me carry her", "when will they just induce me", and "can't they just take her out?"  and my answer is always the same... nobody is making me carry her, I want to because she is my daughter and I would do anything for her.  It's bad enough that she has anencephaly, but my daughter is not going to die from anything but anencephaly if I have anything to say about it.  If God decides she should come before she is full term, then that's His choice... but as far as I'm concerned, this is out of my hands.  And I am glad it is to be honest because this journey would be a lot more painful if I tried to fight God's plan in it. 

So anyway, we decided to get out of here for the weekend.  My Dad got us 2 nights at a Hilton in Portland so that we could get away and still be close to the hospital.  It was a relaxing weekend...with my 5 favorite people, Rachel included. The kids got to swim in the pool, we went to the train museum and for a train ride. Then Des, Rachel & I went for pedicures! They had a special kids chair in a Disney Princess room...not quite Disney World, but a nice alternative.  Desirae's eyes lit up when she saw it and she got to hang with the princesses, while Rachel & I got to relax.  I haven't been able to reach my toes for weeks, so they needed it and it sure beat walking around Magic Kingdom! :o)  Not to mention the joy I got watching Des giggle her way through her foot rub! 

If there is one thing I've been learning through this entire journey, it's how to go with the flow.  I tend to be a planner by nature and not one plan I've made has since I found out I was pregnant has come to be.  I used to fight that, but am finding great peace in letting go.  I'm also becoming painfully aware of how little control we actually have over things...and how what I consider to be my "plan B" was really God's "plan A" all along.