Again, I say REJOICE!!

This post might be all over the place, bear with me...

Yesterday was ash Wednesday and our church had a Lenten service, which was awesome.  At the beginning, the pastor said "we all come from dust and to dust we will return" (Genesis 3:19)

One of the songs we sang says "Jesus conquered the grave"

I can't help but hear these things and not think of Rachel.  She is in the ground, her body returning to dust, but Jesus conquered the grave; His own and Rachel's.  And I am so grateful for both truths.

On the way out, I stopped to give my friend Kyla a hug... she said "I think about you every day" and I said "I'm pregnant"...  at which point, I started crying and then we both started giggling like kids.  She said "I don't know why I'm laughing" and I said "I don't know either"

Yes, you heard me right, I'm pregnant.   And so, I wondered.... how should I handle this?  Should I tell people or wait?  Do I blog it?  Do I tell my mom and make her worry for a few months...  would it be better for everyone else if I just kept it to myself until we knew the baby would live?

Well, I think that would go against everything I believe in... I believe that EVERY life is important and a reason to rejoice.  I believe that God is in control.  I believe that He is with me.  I believe that no matter how long I get to spend with this baby on earth, it will always be my baby.  I believe that this baby has a soul.  I believe that it is a gift from God and I believe it is worth celebrating and telling the world about.

I'm Pregnant!!  It is very brand new news... my "due date" for this precious baby is November 16.  I am excited to have another birthday to clebrate in our already crazy busy holiday season!  Let's see... we will have:

@ Nov 16 - Baby #6
Nov. 26 - Isaiah
Dec 3 - Rachel
Jan 3 - Desirae
Mar 6 - Sam

With Thanksgiving and Christmas mixed in there! :o) 
Isaiah was our "honeymoon baby".  I got pregnant with him the within a month of getting married.  When we went away for our anniversary, we bought a sign to hang next to Rachel's flowers in the garden this spring... and also to hang on my belly should I end up pregnant that month!

Please pray that this baby will grow to be a strong healthy little boy or girl that we can take home with us from the hospital and keep for years to come!!  I know at this point, his/her head is already open or closed... I know it was decided before I ever got a pregnancy symptom how long (s)he will be with us.  I trust that God knows best for me.  I am hopeful that everything is ok. 

I had a "feeling" something was "wrong" (I hate that word, cause she was perfect) with Rachel from the very first day I knew I was pregnant and it never went away.  I had 3 dreams that the u/s tech told me she was dead before we knew anything was wrong. Throughout all my appt's, when the dr's told me everything was fine, I couldn't shake that I didn't think so...and my fears were confirmed on Aug 4.

So, I sit here today, trying to not let my past pain tell me what lies in my future.  I do not want to miss this baby twice.  I want to celebrate while we can and hope that we will always be able to.  But if not, I know that God is with us. 

Desirae is always the first person to know I'm pregnant... except with Rachel cause Matt & I were away. And with Rachel, because I was unsettled, I waited a while to tell her.  I had wondered before if when I got pregnant again, I would tell her before we knew what was going on... well, I called her right in and she looked at the test and said "are you pregnant?!"  I asked if she saw one or two lines... "two, does that mean your pregnant?!"  I smiled and she started jumping up and down yelling "you're pregnant, you're pregnant!"  I talked to her tonight and asked "you know that just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we will have another baby, right?"  She nodded and gave me a hug...  "But no matter what happens, we will be ok because God will be with us" I reminded her.

That is my rainbow... 

God will be with us. 

I never dreamed I would ever be able to teach my little girl how to lean and depend on God to such a deep level.  She is learning right along with me. She knows that having God does not mean nothing bad will ever happen, but that we trust Him with everything.  Thank You Jesus, for the opportunity to help her learn this.  I am sure this is preparing her for something in her life as well. 

I brought Des out last night to get her some new pants cause she had a growth spurt (anyone know why this happens right after you buy them a wardrobe??)  and while we were at TJ Maxx, I saw two mugs that had flowers on them... I looked closer...  "Celebrate Life" they said.  I bought them and left them with the test and a card for Matt on the counter this morning.  We could both get really nervous if we allowed ourselves to.  We are choosing to celebrate this life!

When I woke up this morning, there was a light snow falling... just like the one that did on Rachel's birthday.  There are so many things that remind me of her.  I'm glad I'm a details person cause noticing all the details has helped me to always feel like she is still a part of everything I do.  The flowers on these mugs have "Rachel" all over them.  Every time I use one, I will think of both of these precious babies.

I'm not moving beyond her... I'm moving forward with her... and closer to her.

Rachel is officially a big sister.  I hadn't thought about it before, but she is in heaven with her big sister or brother.  I wonder if they know each other....

I told you I would be scattered...  could you all just please pray for us?  Pray that this baby will continue to grow whole and stay with us and that God will protect our minds and hearts from fear and worry... and that no matter what, we will feel Him with us.

I'm now a mother of 6.  Hard to believe.  Honored to have the title of Mama to these children.

When the pastor said "from dust to dust" last night, I thought about the depth of that statement.  Life, death and eternal life... Where we come from and where we're going when we leave this earth.  Last night, on the first day of Lent, I rejoiced and mourned this truth.  I mourn that Rachel's body is in the ground.  I rejoice that she didn't stay there with it.  I mourned that Jesus died on the cross.  I rejoice that He has victory over death.  And for now, with this baby.... I just rejoice.  I think that's why Kyla & I were giggling....