A Few Requests From a Human in Need

The other night I finally got on my blog email to catch up and found another unhappy reader's email from last week.  It was at least in a nice tone, but unhappy with me none the less.

All I could do it cry.  I have spent hours... and days...  thinking about and praying about the concerns of these few people and I am at a loss.  I've re-read my posts and I'm not in denial, I know they are rough, because right now, I'm in a rough place.  But I am not sure they require such harsh judgement from people who are supposed to care about me. It's very discouraging.  I want to defend myself and the ways I've been misunderstood, I want to try to make people understand I'm grieving...and no matter how many times I tell myself Jesus didn't defend Himself, I still want to.  I am not going to though.  I'm just going to say I'm sorry.

I am truly sorry for any offense I have caused any of you.  I obviously never want to do that. 

So, hopefully we can leave that in the past and talk about moving forward...

What makes me sad is that the point of this blog, my journey with Rachel, has somehow turned into something it isn't for many people.  It seems that many think it's a place for them, not me. 

I am honored that so many people read my blog.  I am thrilled that you normally feel uplifted and encouraged through my words.  I am humbled that even in the deepest sorrow I will ever feel, I have been able to help others.  I am grateful that I have such a big audience and I know that it comes with responsibility.  But listen people, I am only human.  I am a human who started this blog because my daughter was going to die.  I am just a girl who had to watch my baby be born without the top of her head and die in my arms and  I am broken.  I need you more than you need me. I am sorry if I have let you down on what you believe the purpose for my blog is... but the real purpose is for me to have a place to work through my burdens - and hope that you will want to help me carry them.

I did not start this blog because I am some kind of spiritual giant who has so much to offer - or to even be the light I have been blessed to be.  I didn't start it so I could bring people to God (although I'm amazed that it has happened!)  I didn't start it for the Christian men and women sitting in church who already know God.

I started it because I didn't know what else to do. I started it for the girl like me who hears the doctor say "your baby is going to die" and doesn't know what to do either.  I started it for my baby. I started it to encourage people to choose life...even when it's only going to mean death.  I write because I need to.   I have never been one to talk well about my feelings... as I sat here crying uncontrollably last night, Matt sat next to me and neither of us spoke a word.  I cried for well over an hour a deep, heart wrenching cry, as he watched speechless and I could not even find ONE word to SAY to him about how I feel.  I can't do it... and I believe that is why God gave me the gift of writing.  It's healing for me.

The last 3 weeks have been my hardest yet.  I have started to wonder if I am getting to really be depressed and have struggled to want to participate in "life" these days.  Yesterday morning when I woke up, the first thought on my mind is "I wish I was dead - and not because I can't wait to get to heaven".  And I have continued to be taunted with these thoughts the past two days.  I'm so tired of this life, where not only does the God who can move the mountains allow my daughter to die, but the people who are supposed to mourn with me through it have left me to do it alone or are avoiding me, criticizing me and have no empathy for me.  And normally, when I'm having this hard of a time, I blog... A LOT.  Or I call people and talk... but after the way people have been treating me (or 'quietly' judging me) these past couple weeks, I don't want to do either.

I'm also at a point where I'm upset with God.  I have never experienced this before, for more than a moment at a time, since I've been a Christian... not even yet in my journey with Rachel... and it's scary to me.  And honestly without feeling close to God or the people who are supposed to be his hands and feet to me...  I just want to give up and if I didn't have kids, I already would have.

This blog is about MY journey with Rachel. My pain, my joy, my sorrow... God's strength and provision - and my daily life with all it's ups and downs. Often this will include situations that tore my heart out.  It's my blog and they are my feelings and if it's not uplifting enough for you or you think I'm dishonoring God with my honesty maybe there's another blog that would better suit your needs.  But if your care about mine, I need support and love (even in my imperfectness) ....and to hear that you and God love me and care for me and are there for me - not how I've disappointed you both. 

I wish that the original intent for this blog could have remained and that people would not put such high expectations on me when I am not really capable of living up to them right now... I'm not standing behind a pulpit, I'm a grieving (pregnant) mother.  I think I've done a pretty decent job in all these months of blogging through my grief to honor my God.  But I'm only human.  The only difference between me and you is that I can't lie about or be in denial about my failures because they are all written down for everyone to see. 

Please read my blog with a heart to love me.  Please remember it's my story with my daughter and the grief of losing her. Please don't put so much pressure on me for this to be a place other than that.  Please don't email me if you don't have anything nice to say.  At least you can choose whether or not you read this, emails are not something I can avoid.  And please, for heaven's sake, if you have a question about any of the things I write talk to ME... not anyone else. (email NOT preferred)  My blog is not endorsed by my church so please don't approach my/our pastor with your concerns either.  That is unless we're going to start asking him about everything everybody posts on their facebook or talks about in a less obvious setting too...let's play fair.  I understand there is a spotlight on me... please keep in mind that, that in itself is a heavy burden to bear and try not to make it worse for me.

I appreciate you all so much and pray that you hear my heart in this, which is really just desperate for your love and support... and too weak to handle any more pain.  Please pray for me as I walk this unending journey through the loss of my child.