"Good Job, Mama!"

I saw this on Karinne Claire's blog and had to share it with you...
Abigail Rae Phillips
This precious baby was born via c-section and has been with her parents for over a week!  She is beautiful and her family can definitely use your prayers!  You can read her story on the link above.

I commented to Kara (Karinne's Mama) that I find myself envious of stories like this... I am thankful that God gives me the grace to rejoice with the families who get more time with their babies.  But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am very disappointed that I didn't get longer with my girl.  Thinking about how happy I am for this family and how what I had hoped for Rachel really was possible has really brought a lot of feelings to the surface again.  I am sure God us using this for my healing as well,  My thoughts are scattered, but here it is....

I remember when they said she wasn't making effort to breathe on her own... my first thought was I shouldn't have had a c-section.  I was laying there cut wide open for the chance of a few hours with her and it didn't happen.  I had to make the decision to stop giving her air and bring her to me to die.  She never even made it out of the operating room.  They cleaned me up, handed me my dead baby and I carried her proudly down the hall to meet everyone... 

I was talking with a friend yesterday about our babies and we both have things we feel guilty about. (part of being a mom, right?) The first thing I said when I held Rachel was "I'm sorry girl, I tried".  My heart was being ripped into pieces as I watched her die knowing there was nothing I could do for her...  but why would I feel guilty?  Why not proud for all I had done?  Well, I can tell you that after I have had each of my healthy babies, I have heard from MANY people "good job Mama!"  After each birth, the doctors and midwives tell you what an amazing job you've done bringing your baby into life... when you announce the baby's arrival, everyone says how good you did.  I never heard those words once.  From anyone.  It was sad and everyone knew it.  So as much as I know deep down it wasn't my fault, her life was in my hands and now she was dead.  I felt like I had let her down....like maybe I could have done more.

I asked my doctor when I was around 8 months along "what if she doesn't make it out of the OR?" and he said "oh, you'll have more time than that with her having a c-section"  And so in a way, I figured if a doctor who had said all along that she wouldn't live long enough for any of my efforts to matter would say I'd get more time than that, then he must be right.  Unfortunately, only God knows.  I'm not sure our best educated decisions can really do a thing to change His course for our lives.  All of us who carry these special babies do our very best for them.  We give them our all.  To any of you who didn't hear anyone say it at your baby's birth, I want to say "Good Job, Mama!"  Your baby knew your love to the fullest and now knows God's love to the fullest....no matter what the details of their birthday.  And the same holds true for all of you walking towards your baby's birthday praying for a miracle...your baby IS a miracle and you are doing great!  I know it's hard work.

I do believe that Rachel probably wouldn't have made it though a vaginal birth and so I know I should just be thankful that they allowed me to do the elective c-section and for my 43 minutes with her... but I would have given anything for a day... a week...  just a dash on her headstone.  I so wanted there to be two dates under her name.  I wanted to feel like she beat the odds.

And she didn't.  It just wasn't in the plan for her...  Why not her?  Why not us?  Well, the only truth I can go to on this one is that God knows exactly what I need and He knew that would be the best for my heart.  I rest in this knowing that I have a trustworthy God Who has never let me down...

And so I smile as I tell people... "she lived for 43 minutes"... They look at me as if to say "that's it?" and I nod and say she was a fighter with an amazing God.

But the truth is she did beat the odds.... 95% of these precious babies get aborted.  She proved to everyone who doubted,  that babies with anencephaly are STILL babies... and really cute ones at that!  She proved that they have personalities and are real people.  She proved that God knows what He's doing.  She proved that life is not measured by the number of breaths you take.  She proved that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

No amount of time was ever going to be enough.  43 minutes, 43 months, 43 years... Thank God heaven is for eternity and that by faith in Jesus, one day I'll meet her there.  Maybe that's why there is no dash on her stone....to remind me that her life didn't end here.  And maybe when I get there, I'll hear my Lord say to me "Good job, Mama".