I Will Rise Out of These Ashes

Let me start by saying I'm totally NOT impressed that playlist.com stopped our music players from coming on automatically.  (you can still listen by pressing play at the bottom, but don't do it now, listen to this song) I miss my encouragement and being able to change the songs up for you guys to go along with my feelings and posts...  but anyway...

I've been in a dark place lately...at a loss for words... I've heard this song the last two days in a row and have found great comfort in the lyrics - plus the beat makes me want to dance so I wanted to share it with you.  I've decided this song will be my summer guitar project.   

I will rise out of these ashes....  God promises to bring everything to completion.  He's not done with me yet.

Thank You, Jesus.
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And, my post was going to end here until I just looked up a verse to put in the end...  I googled Philippians 1 because I intended to quote verse 6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

That was it cause it went with my short post and "I didn't feel like writing".  God doesn't usually care about what I FEEL like doing though - I opened the whole chapter so I could read the context and what do ya know?  God had something for me in His Word, imagine that....

So, verse 3 happens to be one of the verses I chose to put in the programs at Rachel's funeral as well as the verse I put on the tiles and bookmarks that I had her flowers preserved on....

I thank my God every time I remember you.

I had opened the bible to read this to her the first Friday that we went to visit her at her grave - her 1 week birthday and the day after she was buried.  My stomach still aching from surgery, my heart in pieces at the sight of her grave... and I started reading to her.  I started there because I wanted her to know I was thankful for her.

OK, so back up to the middle of my pregnancy for a minute...  I was at one of my only points of questioning God.  It was the day after her initial diagnosis.  I was journaling and begged from the depths of my heart that He would "finish" her.  I wrote these words on August 5th:

The same God who makes the sun rise and set and hung the moon in the sky created this precious baby girl in my womb - why won't He finish what He started?  My heart aches to hear it's not real.  My poor baby. I'm asking for a miracle Lord, Please heal her, complete her.  Let us keep her. I don't want to hand her over God, please don't make me please.  I KNOW with everything I am that You are ABLE.  Please God show your power, Your healing power, and perform a miracle.  please please please please. I'm begging You.

In my mind, it seemed that He had just forgotten the top of her head.  Everything else was perfect, if He just 'finished' that part, she would be okay.  I was certain that was possible... but why wasn't He doing it??

The next day I was talking to Matt about this and the next journal entry in which I felt like God had revealed to me "I will finish her, just not here".  I was in tears over the loud way He had whispered this to my heart and just then, Isaiah came in.  He asked me why I was crying and told me I didn't need to cry because He had asked Jesus to take the baby to heaven and heal her boo-boo.  I told him, "but I'll miss her" and he said "well, Jesus will bring her back again - There's no fire in heaven, but there's light in heaven"

It was as if my 3 1/2 year old understood God's completion better than I did... child-like faith...

Back to the cemetery on December 10th...  I opened my bible and began reading at verse 3.  It was then that I realized that these two verses that meant so much to me were in the same chapter.  I guess I had never paid attention to that fact before. As I read, I was so aware of God's presence in my life.  I marked my bible with dirt from her grave to show each verse I read that day. 

Philippians 1:3-8

I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy. because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you (Rachel) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

In verse 5 when it talks about being partners in the gospel, all I can picture is me and my girl - warriors for the name of Christ and how she gave me the courage and the platform to share Him with the world as I shared her with the world. 

These verses were gifts that encouraged me over and over during my pregnancy and also after Rachel died.  Tonight, I read further and was encouraged in where I'm at right now...

Philippians 1:12-14

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,  that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel.  As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ.  And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.

And there you have it folks... beauty from ashes... rising...  completing...  and one day, I'll see her again - both of us whole and complete.  Her body, my heart.... worshiping our Lord together.

"From this trouble I have found, and this rubble on the ground, I will rise."