I'm Done.

Today has been extremely hard.  I wish I could say that was out of the ordinary, but it's just not.  Although it was the hardest day I've had this week.  Let's just say that "hard" doesn't begin to describe my marriage, my relationships with my family, my relationships with my in-laws, or the fact that I just buried my daughter.  And quite honestly, I'm tired of trying to find something positive in all this crap.  I'm tired of always trying to rise above and take the high road... and I'm tired of being expected to. 

I'll insert my warning here... there are lots of complaints in this post so if you are going to be offended that I'm upset and complaining or might feel the need to send me an email telling me about how I'm upsetting God or dishonoring my daughter, please just click that little red box with the X in it in the upper right hand corner.  I don't want to hear it.  I'm hormonal, I'm sad, I'm stressed out, I'm grieving and the combination is about to drive me over the edge and this is my space to write about it. I don't really need any input from "well meaning friends" like I got in May.  It's not helpful and you don't have to read this if you don't want to. 

Matt left with the kids to go to church this morning and I stayed behind.  I wanted to blow it off.  I was thinking maybe I'd see if I was able to go to my mom's without my kids and lay by a pool.  I was thinking maybe I'd go to a different church where it wouldn't be so obvious that I was in a bad place or at least I wouldn't need to answer anyone's "how are you" question, since we know how people LOVE the real answer to that.  I was thinking maybe I should just go shopping or get a pedicure or do something else that would make me feel better for a minute... can I just feel better for a minute?  I thought about just taking the time to get some stuff done for Rachel's Race.

I needed to be in church this morning.  Not because it's what I'm supposed to do. Not because God is there more than He's here.  I didn't need to be there to feel better or closer to God.  I needed to be there because I refuse to turn my back on God and I needed to prove that to myself.  I needed to stand firm and not run.  God already knew that my heart was with Him this morning.  But I have a tendency to want to walk away from God or His church when His people, especially my husband, let me down or hurt me.  I have heard so many stories of people leaving church and never looking back over human relationships and I refuse to be one of them.  I refuse to let anyone on the face of this planet take that away from me.

I got there late into worship and Isaiah was begging me to bring him to the potty cause Matt wouldn't.  So I did and ended up only hearing 1 1/2 songs before worship was over.  I was planning on leaving before communion because I was angry.  But one of the only parts I actually heard of the sermon was something to the effect of - we don't need to get ourselves cleaned up before coming to the throne of God, but instead take it all and lay it at the foot of the cross... allow Him to examine our hearts and receive His forgiveness.... and so I went up. 

As I approached the front, I looked at my friend Sue and gave a half smile, which probably said more than I intended about how I was feeling.  I put out one hand to receive the bread and Sue grabbed my other hand, put a kiss on her hand and touched it to my wrist.  I felt so loved, but when I realized that she had planted it right on Rachel's hand print, I started crying....  She was telling me without any words that she hasn't forgotten my girl.

I was crying so hard that I had a hard time swallowing my juice.  I took communion and practically ran out of the building sobbing - I didn't want to have to talk to ANYONE.  I drove to Rachel's grave and cried really hard the whole way and for probably another hour after I got there.  I sat there for over 1 1/2 hours.  I hate that alone in a cemetery is my norm.  I hate that this road is so long and has become so lonely. 

I feel SO done.  done.  that's the best word for it.  I'm all done dealing with people in their 50's who act like they're 2. And we have them on both sides of our family.  I'm done trying get help with things.  I'm done chasing people around to follow through with that they say they will or to even return a phone call.  I'm done pretending like Matt's been a part of this journey cause he hasn't and neither has his family. I went through my pregnancy without any help from them and I've cried for months without a care from any of them.  People I don't even know took care of me while they sat back and played victim and criticized me and demanded things from me.  I hope they don't think they are going to become my friends when I have this baby, cause I'm not having it.  I'm done with fairweather friends and family.  Done. Being related by blood does not give you the pass to treat me like crap and think my kids are still yours.  They are mine. And Rachel is one of them.  We're a package deal, I hate to say.  I'm all done reminding people that my daughter died not that long ago and that (yes, even though I'm pregnant again) I am STILL broken.   I'm done trying to explain to people why certain things are important to me because quite honestly - I'm not always going to make sense (and some of it makes enough sense that I shouldn't have to explain it!!) and I don't have the patience or energy to explain myself all the time. It's just the nature of grief.  I wish it was different and that I could just snap out of this.  But since it isn't going to happen, I am officially ALL DONE with anyone who doesn't get that.  I (we) haven't talked to Matt's sister since her nasty string of emails in December (two weeks after Rachel died) and I don't plan on it. I blocked her email address after her last dumb email in January and haven't looked back.  

I am more than happy to add to that list....  I can't do this anymore and so rather than try....I'm done.  I have been hoping for compassion, support and understanding where I will never get it.  I have expected people to understand a loss they can never grasp (no matter what kind of grief they have experienced) unless they bury their own child.  I have expected Matt to understand a loss he never can.  That's what his mother and sister were missing when they were blaming me for his lack of grieving as they saw fit the day before Rachel's funeral... it wasn't the same for him and it wasn't the same for THEM, no matter how many times they wanted to claim it was.  I am her mother and it was a different world for me - it still is and that is obvious in how quickly their "pain" ended after Rachel was in the ground and why they look at me like I'm dragging it out.  I have wasted time and energy trying to get my feelings validated and it's useless.  I am giving myself the freedom to withdraw from as many people as I feel are not good for me and if you think that is unhealthy or feel like you should tell me why that isn't a Christian thing to do, then keep it to yourself cause I don't actually care about your opinion on it.  I'm sure God will let me know if there is someone I should work on keeping in my life.  I'm so tired of being let down.  Right now, I need God.  That's it.  If only it didn't hurt so much to know that He's about all I've got anyway.  It's a good thing He's all I need.  Too bad I didn't accept this sooner.  Not sure I've truly accepted it now - but I'm done trying to do anything different.  All I can say is that these people better not expect anything more out of me right now either.  If their "I'm doing my best" excuse works for them... well, I am too and I'm done.