A Lot of Gray

So, one of the downfalls of having 100 ultrasounds with Rachel is that I am now officially an ultrasound snob.  I usually want to just take the wand and do it myself....there really are a small few that are very good at it - at least from an experienced patient's perspective. 

I was very blessed cause in the middle of my breakdown this morning, I called my friend Millie and she ended up coming with me so that I didn't have to be alone.  It was a nice distraction for the way down, I didn't cry and I even laughed a few times.  I definitely felt more calm with company.

We didn't get a good look at baby boy today, I mean, other than at his penis.  He's definitely still a boy and wasn't afraid to show it!  Since it's the only good picture she got, I was tempted to post it, but I'm not sure he'd appreciate that.  The tech I had was not the usual one and baby wouldn't turn around and face us.  I said I could move on my side, but she said it wouldn't make a difference, which is wrong... did it all the time in Maine with Rachel... but hey, what do I know?  I'm just a mama.  She kept saying "he won't stop moving... he's hard to get a picture of... I have to chase him across the screen" and stuff like that. 

I got nervous because that is exactly how Rachel's ultrasound went.  She was moving so much that they thought the reason they weren't seeing her head at first was because she was moving a lot.  It was before I even knew she had anencephaly that I said "She likes to dance like mama does!  She's dancing because she's happy she's a girl, too" :o)  And then the air in the room changed.  You can always tell when they are seeing something that isn't good, even though they can't tell you.  But in case you've ever wondered, that is where she became our little "dancer".

I asked if she would be able to detect other neural tube defects and she said no... that I'd see those at birth.  It did seem as though the baby was trying to show off his spine though!  Other than the top of his head really quickly (which was round!) and a good shot of his boy parts, that was the only view he gave us - his spine.  She wouldn't do the 4D because she said "there's nothing to see since his face is to your back"....  that makes NO sense, since I'm pretty sure they didn't invent 4D ultrasounds so that we could see what our kids faces look like... I'm pretty sure it's gotta be helpful for a medical reason???  But I'm just a mama.

So, from the sounds of it and the feel in the room, I think everything is ok.  But I honestly don't feel totally at peace since some of her reasoning just doesn't make sense.  I've had too many techs contradict each other to really feel confident in what they say. (one would say 4D is easier with extra fluid and the next would say it's harder with extra fluid)  In reality I think their skill levels are all just different and they are used to people just believing them so they say whatever sounds good and don't expect to be questioned.  I'm hoping I won't hear from my doctor (no news is good news!) and that at my next appt on Friday, I can talk to my midwife and get some more reassurance.

I wish things were more black and white sometimes, but just like the actual ultrasound pictures, there's a lot of gray and so much unknown.  thank you for your prayers today, please keep praying - this journey has been very hard for me.