Waiting for the Bloom

This week has been just as hard as I expected it would be.  Last year on my birthday, me, Des & the baby (Rachel) went out for a girl's day for my birthday.  We got shakes and pedicures and bought ourselves some new flip flops at TJ Maxx (Des' favorite store).  We talked and dreamed about what we would do with our new baby, especially if it was the girl we wanted and checked out some cute baby girl clothes. That was the day I bought the baby (her?) first dress. We talked as we got our feet done about how there could actually be three girls on this girl's day out.  I came home and hung Rachel's dress on my wall and it still hangs on the wall in her room to this day.  Much too big for her to ever wear, and ironically, covered with little white flowers....

That is the last happy memory in my mind from my simpler days.... the days before August 4, 2010.  The days before I knew the pain of losing a child.

Thursday is my birthday and I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself for it.  The kids will be at summer camp and Sam goes to his Godmother's so I will have the day to myself.  That used to be what I looked forward to... "me" time.  not so much anymore.  Now I just wish I could be bringing two of my girls out and spending my birthday spoiling them.

I woke up this morning, my back aching...  I laid in bed for 45 minutes wondering how I will get through another day - I cried so much yesterday, my face is still puffy.  I can just feel my bad mood over my head like a dark cloud waiting to rain on me.  I'm so tired of being hormonal and sad.  I'm not sure "tired" is even close to a description of what I *really* feel about this past year.  November can't come quick enough, when I can *hopefully* hold this baby and take him home, end my 20 months of almost continuous pregnancy and only have grief to deal with... which I'm sure will be accentuated holding a new baby. 

I keep hoping people won't judge me for my true feelings about this pregnancy (I try to remind myself that people who have truly felt my pain understand and those who haven't, don't - and that I'm the dumb one that tells them) But I have no end in sight for this pain and that is discouraging.  I'm not just a mother of 4,  I'm not just pregnant.  I'm not just grieving.  I'm not just planning a 5K.  I'm a pregnant, grieving mother of 4, almost 5, trying to plan an event in memory of my baby.  It's emotional and heavy for me and I'll be honest, not very exciting although I guess it's "supposed" to be, just like her playground.  I guess if you're not me, these things feel different.  Sometimes I wish I could be on the other side looking in... where playgrounds and 5K's are exciting and fun instead of sad and hard.  Maybe next year.

I stood looking at my messy kitchen and glanced out the window.  I looked at my garden, which I worked so hard on last year with Rachel thinking it was going to be gorgeous this year, and sighed at how I placed everything in the wrong places... too tall in front, full sun in part shade, summer bloomers all together... I'm just not the gardener I aspire to be.  I look at it every day trying to plan out how I will fix this mess so that I'll have better luck next year and I ask everyone who looks like they might like plants if they can tell me what to do to make it better.  I looked at my horrible soil and the large amounts of weeds growing around (and above!) everything and get discouraged with the fact that I just can't take care of it like I want to right now.

"Life was easier without a garden"  I thought to myself as I started to tear up.  So much to do to keep it pretty, the learning curve can't be fast forwarded, you have to wait until the next YEAR to make adjustments.  Not my style at all.  No matter how many times I get out there and weed, I can't seem to get a grip on those suckers.  They just keep coming back as if they don't care that they are not welcome here.  If only my grass would grow like that. And did I mention that when I bend over to take care of this stuff, the acid in my stomach comes up my throat?  awesome. 

I feel like giving up on everything... the garden, my house, relationships, my birthday, and all these big events I spend my life planning as if any of them are going to bring her back.  She's not coming back.

And I realized that once again, the garden is a picture of life....

Sure, life was easier before I had my own "garden"... appreciating flowers that other people planted from a distance was much easier, a lot more enjoyable...all beauty, no pain for me.  The simpler days.  I could watch them work from the comfort of my garden-free home and think how easy it would be to do what they are doing...assuming that the flowers bloom in all the right places and in great quantities just because they own them and not because they have toiled for hours in rain and weeds to get to that point.  I also loved being able to benefit from the beauty and fragrance their gardens produce for all to see, without getting in the dirt on my knees and feeling the aches and pains of what it takes out of the gardener devoted to it's success.

But before the ups and downs and hard work of my own garden, my backyard was never as beautiful.  I could do without the rain and weeds and constant toil... but my garden...well, my garden needs it to really bloom.

I'm waiting for the bloom.