Understanding My Heart

One week from tomorrow, it will be Rachel's 1st birthday.  I really can't believe it.  It feels like forever and seems like it was yesterday at the same time.  I hate that she was in my arms so long ago.  I hate that time keeps going.  I hate that I struggle to remember details about her and that my time with her was so short that there are things I didn't have time to burn into my memory.

Today is "Black Friday" and although I've never gone out shopping on this day before, my dad had planned to take the two older kids to his house for the day, and so I decided it was a good day to work on Christmas shopping.  My sister watched Sam for the first run, we came home so I could eat lunch and nurse Asa and then me, Sam & Asa went back out.  I cherished every moment with my 2 little boys at the store.  Asa loves my baby carrier and slept the whole time, totally content on my chest - where I could run my face on his soft head any time I wanted - and Sam pointed out (and touched!) every single toy in the store as he shouted "look at this Mama!" and then when I said "oh, that's cool.... stay with me"  He would yell "OK Mama!" and come trotting after me.  If he accidentally moved an item from it's original place, he would stay there until he could get it back just the way it was.  While we were out, we made our trip to the cemetery...

In the last 12 months, I have been at the cemetery every single Friday except two.  I've visited many other days as well, but Fridays revolve around my visit to sit at my girl's grave.  I have been blessed by others time and time again when I have arrived there to find that someone had visited and left me a little something.  I know of a few people who visit her weekly just like I do and that makes my heart smile - to know I'm not the only one still thinking of her.

Sometimes I just go and fix things up pretty and then leave...  others I sit and cry a while - and how I'm feeling on the way there, or even when I get there, doesn't seem to have anything to do with how I feel when I'm standing on top of that little rectangle of new grass. 

I hate feeling so powerless over my emotions and not knowing what to expect or how things will affect me. 

Last week, Asa & I came home from the hospital Thursday night.  Friday we went to visit Rachel, but it was freezing out, so I left him in the car.  Today was beautiful out - so I got Asa out of the car to tell him about his big sister.

It's a strange thing, kneeling at the very spot my precious baby girl's body is under while holding a baby just 10 days old.  I never in my whole life imagined I'd ever have to endure these types of moments, days, weeks, months, years... I thought of the words in the song that I moved to play first on my blog last night....

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you


And I realized that all of the uninterrupted alone time I'm seeking....every unanswered phone call, email, or knock on the door....  is another moment I get with Asa.  It's another moment that hasn't been taken from me with him.  It's another moment to hold him, burn his every detail into my memory.... time is all I have and it will never be enough - and it may not be as long as I hope for.  It's the moments that were taken from me with Rachel.  The moments I'd do anything to have.  I don't want to miss them this time.

I had no idea how it would feel to hold him at Rachel's grave.  Last week was an incredibly difficult visit where I cried harder than I have in a while.  Today, sitting there, I held Asa a little tighter... loved him a little deeper.... and as I told him about his big sister Rachel and how much his Mama misses her, I cried a little and thanked God that he was alive and well.

But I walked away from that spot today understanding my heart a little better.  I could try to put it into words, but the people who don't get it, never will...and the ones who do, don't need me to.  As I've tried to make sense of these feelings I've had and my desire to be alone, I've wondered if I'm ever going to be my 'old self again' and if I was finally slipping into a depression.  I can't say I've got that totally ruled out, but I can say that I don't think depression is my reason for retreating right now.  It's hard for me to feel misunderstood or to not have approval from people.  I hate feeling pressure from people to do what they want me to - or judgement from people who think they know more about me than I do.  But I'm just going to have to get over that.  This is just another season I have to walk through and I suppose, just like from last August until now, when I get to the other side of this part of my trial, I'll know who loves me for me.  One thing I know for certain is that I won't ever regret cherishing these moments alone with my sweet baby.