Burning In Rage

Today has been hard in every way possible.  My heart is screaming for a way out.  I've spent the day trying to pull together all the pieces for tomorrow and regretting the fact that I didn't do this stuff sooner.  I guess I've been in denial over the fact that this day was coming so soon.  And of course, as usual, I'm doing it all myself cause that's the way it goes around here.  Then tonight my husband informed me that he neglected to get the day off tomorrow (just a half a day) and that is a huge disappointment. 

So tonight, I put the "hope" sign up on my door that I put up the night before Rachel's birth...  You can see that post HERE - I read it and can't believe how excited I was to meet my girl.  I wish tonight I was getting ready to go meet her, hold her....that I could still have the hope of the chance at a day or two with her.

But as I hung that sign on my door tonight, I was sobbing.  I know the way it all played out... I've had 12 full months of the deepest pain I have ever felt...and I just want her back.  But she's not coming back.

I would still do it all over again.  Here's the song Phil Yoder wrote for her.  Kyla brought it to me last year the night before her birthday.  I didn't really relate to the "burn in rage" part last year....but today, it sums up how I feel regularly.  Yet last year, I had much more support... and this year, I'm more alone than ever.  Losing Rachel has been such an isolating experience for me, like a lot of moms who lose children, that I wasn't prepared for. 

Rachel’s Song

They’re all asking how I’m feeling
All I can say is how about you
How can I say how this pain is
Through my soul boring through

You see this life inside me now is
Destined to die in a day or two
How can I even make my way
So would you…

Chorus
Pick up these shoes and carry me a while
Lift up these hands and help me smile
Stay by my side as I burn in rage
And mingle your tears with mine, please stay

Oh baby girl you feel so close now
I do not want to let you leave
I haven’t even seen your face yet
I haven’t even heard you breathe

I want to touch your tiny fingers
I want to hear your beating heart
And even if for just one moment
I’ll make sure…

I know the time is coming near now
I cannot make it start or stop
I have to trust you have a plan now
I’m sure you understand my pause

I cannot understand the meaning
Why such beauty in such pain
All I can do is ask you this now
So would you…

scroll all the way down and pause music player first

Miss you sweet girl
just a couple minutes to go before your birthday - I can imagine it's been an amazing year for you.  I'm thankful for that.  Mama loves you.