A Better Plan

Sunday, we got down to Rachel's grave and I realized I forgot my bible and my tissues..... I was really disappointed, I wanted to read her the verses I marked with the dirt from her grave that first Friday.  And I wanted to sit and cry.

By the time we arrived, it was starting to get dark.  I hoped we would see her Christmas tree lit up, but it wasn't coming on.

We stopped for hot chocolate on the way... I had a vision in my head of us all drinking our hot chocolates together at her grave while reading verses out loud... sounds good, doesn't it?  I even asked Matt to grab an extra cup of hot chocolate for her.  The hot chocolate dream didn't work out either... the kids were done theirs, mine was getting cold and Matt didn't want one (strange, huh?) :) 

It seemed every piece of my plan for how this hard day was going to end meaningfully was just not working out. 

Somehow along this journey, I - miss Type A who hates it when plans don't work out - have learned how to be okay with things going different than I want.  I've learned how to roll with the punches.  I've truly started to trust God will the details.... to trust that if it isn't happening, He must have something better.

That's a true gift.  And it brings so much peace.

So, Matt and I stood there for a few minutes in silence until Isaiah started hanging out the sunroof and yelling.... we went to walk back to the van and I noticed something.  I thought it was a dandelion, but how could it be?  Last week, her grave was covered in snow... and it's been freezing for days... how could a dandelion still be standing there?  Well, I can't explain it, but it was.....

We drove away and I asked Matt to drive down and turn around at the end instead of going around and out so we could look one more time to see if the lights would come on.  He did and we drove by... nothing. :o(  I looked at our names as we drove through and thought about how eventually one of us will be visiting the other there.  And I said "We should get more pictures of the two of us here."  He nodded and kept going and we got almost to the exit when I asked "do you want to go back and take a picture together?"  He said yes and we turned around.

We got out of the van and as soon as my foot hit the ground, her Christmas tree lit up!  Des took a couple of pictures of us (that all came out blurry) :(  and we headed home.  Ironically, I was upset about the pictures being blurry, but that is because the flash was strangely delayed and if it wasn't, the pics might have come out clearer, but her lights wouldn't have shown in the photo.  They would have been washed out by the flash. ♥

I didn't get to have hot chocolate with everyone and read scripture and cry like I wanted to.... but between the dandelion still spreading seeds even in the middle of winter and the Christmas lights coming on just as we returned unplanned... my heart got more than enough that night. 

Funny how the things you least expect and don't plan tend to bring more joy than if you got what you wanted.  Kinda reminds me of my sweet girl.  My Christmas baby lighting up the darkest night and scattering seeds in the toughest of circumstances.  Shining for me when I am sad and reminding me that nothing can defeat what she has in Christ.  She is alive.  Her legacy will remain throughout the seasons.  And when nothing goes as I have planned.... I see the way He cares for me and I know that it is better.  I see the light He shines for me so I can find my way.  I see the way He rules over His creation and I know He's got it all under control.

I kneeled down in front of her grave that night and looked at the ground that separates us and said "you can't keep us apart forever".  And no, I don't feel crazy talking to the ground.... well, maybe a little.... but it's true.  It can't.  So there.