Purpose Given Brain

Just finished our end of the year CAT testing... we did the online version, not sure I love that - seems time was wasted scrolling up and down and fighting with the computer. But I LOVE that you get instant results...

I'm so proud and yet so humbled by how well my girl scored.  10 yrs old scoring in the 5th month of 10th grade in language?!  Based on her age, she should be at the end of 4th grade right now.  I know it's not all that uncommon with homeschoolers.... and she usually does score high, but the last couple of years have been hard with Rachel and Asa and now Baby E and I really felt like I wasn't doing well teaching her.  I honestly thought we were going to have to work through the summer to keep up with where she 'should be'.  Even in the subjects I thought she was 'behind' in, she scored above average.  We actually finished our curriculum for this year over a month ago and I moved her right into the next year's work because I felt like she should be further.  I'm such an over achiever... 

I reminded her that her brain is a gift from God that not everyone is given - and of course as I say the words, Rachel is so heavy on my heart I can't tell if my tears are from how proud I am of Des or if they are because I am so painfully aware of the magnitude of what I am saying to her. 

My deepest prayer is that she will use her brain for His purposes and never take for granted that what some have to work so hard to achieve comes easy to her.  I pray she never forgets that every thought, every idea, every bit of intellect that she possesses comes from God, wrapped in an organ that her little sister was not given...and that she can't take credit for. (neither can I)  And just as there are eternal purposes for Rachel being made perfectly without her brain, I pray that Desirae understands that her being born with one should be used for God's eternal purposes as well.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

Philippians 3:8

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ

And so as I sat here looking at her scores, I wasn't prepared for the overflow of emotion that would follow.  I sat here crying and I can't even really put my finger on what about.... thankful for her brain... sad that Rachel didn't have one... relief that I haven't failed her completely (yet) ...humbled....proud....grateful to have the opportunity to have such a huge role in this part of my children's lives.... scared that the others will struggle more than she does and I won't be able to help them....guilt over doubting her... fear of missing something she needs to know....the weight of the responsibility of everything they need resting on me....am I enough?  In a world that constantly insists that children are better off with someone else, away from their homes, letting the 'professionals' take care of them because their mother couldn't possibly meet all their needs... heck, how could she fill them if she doesn't even really understand them without her teaching degree??... am I enough?   

And then I remember that God gave me this role.... and if He gave me a task to do - to raise and teach my children, which He did - He isn't going to leave me to do it alone.  And HE IS ENOUGH!  And I am just so thankful because I am completely inadequate for this job.  I stink at math, I hate doing science projects (although I love watching them, so I must be lazy too!), I am unorganized and undisciplined, and patience has never been a virtue that comes easy to me.  I have a house full of little kids and couldn't even get the room quiet for her testing - all the while feeling like I was failing her for 'denying' her the quietness of a classroom filled with 30 kids all her own age and a teacher other than me with a stop watch sending the loud kids to the office. (oh, how I wish I could send the loud kids to the office some days!!)  I have been pregnant over and over and half of the things on my heart to do for these guys never get done because I am not capable.

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 

And I'm just crazy enough to admit all that, although most people won't, because I know there is someone who will relate and will be encouraged to know that I don't have it all together either.  I hate when people say "I couldn't homeschool... I'm not patient enough".... oh. my. gosh.... me either!!!  But that's just it.... God is refining me in this position he gave ME - in His infinite wisdom and mercy, He is making me more like Him as my impatience is put right in my face every day.  And as that happens, HIS unbelievable patience with ME is even more clear and I am again humbled by His love.  He has a plan in this.... Good things are hard and worth sacrifice.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, I've decided, not only are we not going to do school through the summer, we are starting our break early...like today!! This child does not need summer school! I am going to use my time to get next year mapped out (for the planner in me) and lesson plans done so that when the baby gets here, I will be good to go for a while. In the meantime, I'm going to work with them on devotions, obedience and godly character... my three favorite homeschool subjects that never get attention in other schools. :) And while I'm teaching them, I am sure God will be teaching me in the same areas.

I totally didn't expect all of that to just come out.... I guess my main point is my daughter is a genius, we can't take credit for it, and summer time has begun at the Aube house!  Looking forward to a whole bunch of nothing with my kids as we love God and each other, getting to know Him and each other more and more each day because we can!  I honestly have never been more excited about my Daughter of God, Devoted Wife, and Full Time Homeschool Mama role than I am right now - and it has absolutely nothing to do with her grades....  but you know, I do believe that God used Rachel to help get me here - in more ways than one.

Our first day of summer break... kicked off with a picnic near Rachel's garden!