Loved in a Mess

I've been getting ready to start school with the kids and having a horrible time getting my small space in order.  I have Googled "how to organize Homeschool in a small space" in about every way possible and the search ended with the hopes of eventually either moving or adding on another small room because it just isn't happening any other way. 

I was completely revamping my school cabinets when I came across some hand mold kits that I had been sent from a support site while I was pregnant with Rachel.  I guess I planned to use them on someone else eventually, but we all know I'll never be able to do that.  I decided to read the paper inside the package and as I read it, I remembered why I never used that kit on Rachel.  I dropped it and went to sit on the couch in tears.

Isaiah followed me in and asked what was wrong...  I blubbered something like "I just didn't understand what to do with it then... I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't understand it... so I didn't use it... but I should have used it... and now I can't...." 

Des brought me a tissue and I picked myself up and kept going.... like I always do....  but later that night when the kids were asleep, I was back at the cabinet and realized that I was focusing on all my clutter and mess because the truth is that I am scared to start another school year...  this time with both Des and Isaiah officially in school - and another baby on top of that....with Rachel's birthday on it's way.

I put my hand on my head and looked at Matt "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this." I said as I started to cry again.  I feel so inadequate.  It's such an amazing gift to be able to spend my entire life with my children as they grow and learn.  I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world, but it's so hard.  So, so hard. 

As Matt encouraged me and told me that I could do it, I looked down to a game he had been picking up for me..... and may I just add that he didn't write this on the hangman game while I was in tears and saying I was overwhelmed.... he wrote it about 20 minutes before that when I was being a complete jerk and giving him an attitude because I was frustrated with the unbelievable mess I had created that day and the fact that it was now very late and my house was still a mess. 

How humbling is that?  He loves me.... He knows the depths of my heart and He loves me the same...

I serve an amazing God who I know will be with me through every good school day - and every messy one... when the cabinets are clean and the kids behave and act smart and the days when you have to wear shoes to be safe on my floor and I wonder if perhaps the children really could have evolved from apes. (sorry, super bad joke....)  But no matter what He loves me.... wow....

and I'm just that blessed that my amazing husband loves me too.  He loves me enough to stay up until midnight going through coats to make room for games in the mudroom closet so that my shelves aren't cluttered - just because that's what I need, even though it's not important to him at all.  He loves me when I'm unlovable.... I'm so glad God gave me him.

Lord, I am so thankful for my family... for how You love me through them.  Thank You for the opportunity to teach our children, for a husband who has the same vision for them as I do, and for being with me every step of the way.  Because oh dear Jesus, I need you.

And so here goes nothing.... 2013-2014 school year begins in 8 hours.... or 10 if Ezra wakes up just as I lay down :)

And of course, as I went to upload the photo... it was taken on the 3rd and the pic # ended in 143.  Always here.