My Other Daughter

Today Des & I went to her dentist appointment.  We sat in the waiting room for a while before they called us in.  I was texting a friend when they called her name....

"Desirae and Mom" she called...

We got up and met her at the door.  She looked behind me and asked "Do you want your other daughter to come in too?"

My head was so confused... I turned to look where she was looking, but saw nothing.  I asked what she meant... was she talking about Rachel?  What did she mean do I want her to come??

"That little girl that was just standing next to you, she's not your daughter?"

"No, there was a girl standing next to us?" I asked.

"Yeah, she was up on the platform with you."

I told her I hadn't noticed a little girl and fought the urge to tell her that I *do* have another daughter...

When she left the room, I asked Des about it.  She said this little girl, about 3 years old, was standing up against her, just staring at her - not saying anything.

I don't know how I missed that, but for a split second today, I knew what it felt like to have someone include "my other daughter" as if she were real and alive and actually physically with me... and for a split second, I forgot she wasn't.  And for that split second, my world felt right.

Until that second ended and I realized it was all a misunderstanding.  My heart shattered again.  My head felt dazed again.  I felt the hope of her coming with me fall once again.

And that's the complicated nature of this thing we call grief...  it strikes during simple, every day life stuff... she was never 'coming with me' into that office and as a matter of fact, she wasn't even on my mind at that time.  But all it took was a hint of that being my reality and I was lost in that moment and when I snapped out of that moment, the heartache felt so fresh and real and painful.  I wanted nothing more than to turn around and say "Come on, Rachel..." and pick up my little 3 year old girl and bring her with us. 

But when I turned around, she wasn't there.