Daisy's Mama

On Christmas 2012, we bought Desirae a hamster.... she named her Daisy. ♥

You may remember me blogging about how right after she opened her that morning, one of her first questions was "What if she dies?"  My heart felt the same sting as hers... it's scary to love someone so much and know you can lose them.  

The night before the race, I heard a scream... "Daisy's gone!"  Asa had let her out and Des was beside herself in tears.  I had to leave all the race prep in my kitchen and go hunt down the hamster, begging God to not let Daisy be gone for good.  I found her in the back of her closet and she was so relieved, but still sobbing.

Last night, she again came frantically running to me.  She had her Hamster Care Book open and was crying "She's not dead, but she had this smeary stuff and right here it says that sick hamsters have that!"  I ran to look, pit in my stomach... the day I've feared since I brought her home from the pet shop... how do you walk your child through a loss...?  

And then I remembered, I have.  sigh.

We cleaned up her cage and after looking online for what to do,  I ran to the pet store just before 9pm to get some Wet-tail drops.  There we were crying in Des' room and trying to save Daisy late at night.  

Through her tears she cried "It's all my fault, I haven't changed her cage in weeks... I don't hold her enough... I noticed 4 days ago she wasn't coming out of her strawberry and I didn't do anything... maybe if I did something then, she'd be ok..."

I tried to explain to her that she isn't the first kid in history to forget to change the cage for a while.  She just cried more.

This morning I called the vet.  Something I told myself I'd never do for a hamster, but I should have known myself better than that.  They said it is $51 to be seen, plus whatever they prescribe.  I asked if we could just buy the Critical Care food I read about and they said no, she would have to be seen first.  So I told Des and said I didn't have the money... and she went for hers.  

When we got there, they looked at her and said "She has wet tail, it's very serious for hamsters and they don't survive."  

As I watched my daughter get news she has feared since she first held Daisy, I felt August 4, 2010 all over again.  Obviously a much smaller scale, but to Des, this is her baby.  They immediately started talking about putting her to sleep in a couple days if she doesn't start eating.  I asked about medication and she said that we could try it, but they usually die anyway.  She said "I'm not saying you shouldn't try, I'm just saying it usually doesn't help."  I asked her to get prices so we would know what we were looking at.

She came back with the pricing and I went over it with Des and asked her if she was okay paying that amount.  My dad had said he would give us $50, so Desirae's portion would be $29.  This would be for the special food and an antibiotic.... with no guarantees that it would change a thing about how long she lived.  She was seeming unsure, so the vet left us alone to talk.

She said "I'm just not sure if I should spend the money on it if she will die anyway."

I asked her, "If we go home without it and she dies tonight, will you regret not getting the medication?"  She immediately nodded yes and said she wanted to get it.  

She kept going over the "If only's" and I couldn't convince her it wasn't her fault so I encouraged her to ask the vet.  I told her how with Rachel, I asked all sorts of questions... I had so many things I thought could have 'caused' her to have anencephaly... and it was scary to ask, but I needed to know, so I did.  When they came back in, they asked her if she had any questions, and she said "Ummm... Not really..." and looked at me - so I told them her concerns to which they quickly replied "Oh no, it was nothing you did... this just happens sometimes, you couldn't have done anything to change this." and as I saw the guilt melt away from her face, I thought... that was worth every cent of that $79.

This past week, we had tried to do a craft fair and Des made cards to sell.  We got rained out, but she sold 4 there and has since sold 10 more and has 15 more spoken for... they are $1 each... which is the $29 she needed to pay the vet today.  As we talked about how she had made exactly what she needed this week to cover Daisy's bill, her eyes lit up... God provided for her little girl... and mine  ♥  I'm so thankful for how He is building her faith.  It's been happening a ton lately and this is just one more instance that she can see in ways that are big in her mind that He is always on time... He is with us.

So now we start a journey of trying to nurse Daisy back to health... and we are very aware that she could still die... But Desirae will never have to wonder if she could have done more... she won't have to question if it was her fault... she will know that she loved her and cared for her and did everything she could to wait out her miracle.  She will know that she gave her all to the one she loves.  Even if the world sees it as "just a hamster." (She is also pretty excited that we apparently picked the "only hamster in the world who likes to take medicine like Ezra." LOL)

Those are the things I am most thankful for with Rachel; to have no regrets - or at least as few as possible....and I know those are the things that will be the most important for her heart too.  And as she feeds her little Daisy with a dropper and prays over her, she is learning so many things.  They are hard lessons and they won't come without pain, but I know they are building character in her - and more importantly, her faith and trust in God to help her through.

Since I had Rachel, I have had this strong desire to one day do ultrasounds at a place like I went with Rachel... to be able to be that person who helps people like me get 'good pictures' in a supportive environment... Knowing how much of an impact the ultrasound tech has on an experience like mine, I want to use what I learned on my journey to help others.  Unfortunately for me, schooling for that is probably not happening any time soon... but I still dream...

Today when we left the vet, Desirae said that she wants to work there when she grows up.  I asked why and she said "Because I want to help the animals... like Daisy."

That's my girl. ♥

I don't know if she'll be a vet... but she is going to make a great Mama.