A Trust Issue

I have lots of thoughts going around in my head most of my days that I would love to share.

Most of them are things I once could have easily turned into a blog post.

But these days, it's not coming.

I'm in a strange place.  At first I thought it was a good strange place... and I think it was...  but now (I guess right on time per textbook grief descriptions) I'm in a not-so-good strange place that I have no words for.  And when I try to put words to it, I cry - or get angry.  And honestly, I don't have the energy or time to cry.  Plus, my head hurts enough without tears.  And being angry is bad for aneurysms... and such a waste of life.

I could use some prayer.  I know many are already doing that.  Thank you.  I just need prayer especially that I won't run from God on this journey with "chronic illness" - because I feel like I am and I need him.  More than I need people (thankfully, since deactivating from Facebook is pretty telling in the 'Friends' department)... More than I need healing, more than I need happiness, more than I need provision for earthly needs... I *need* all of this to make me stronger in Him...  I need it to bring me closer to him... I need it to make me more like him... I need it to reveal more and more to me - and more and more to the world - who He is.

Because if it doesn't... I don't know how I'll handle it.

And I just don't know how that is possible right now.  Which is kind of my problem.

I had a cry last night - like the kind where there aren't many tears, but your lip and chin quiver like you're being electrocuted... and besides being really distracted by my chin moving obnoxiously, all I could think was "But He has a plan, Right?"

I hear he does.  And I'm just wondering if it's ever not going to include either physical or emotional pain?  Because quite frankly, my entire life has been full of it and I'm about tired of it.

Even the road with Rachel at least had purpose...  beauty... things that made it seem somehow less daunting....reasons to smile. But with this... there's nothing.  It's long and lonely and hard... and people don't stay away because they are afraid of something that they don't understand - they stay away because they think they do understand something they don't and have no idea how heavy it truly is.  Or even better... they just never really cared that much.  If there's no "like" button, there's no time to say I'm with you.

I don't want a lot  - just enough health and strength for the chance to raise my kids and, I don't know... maybe garden?  I've never asked for a pain free existence.  I've never asked for an easy road - and as  matter of fact, I've always embraced the hard stuff because it's made me who I am and who God uses.  But I just don't get this.

I know he doesn't owe me anything.

Like I said, I could use some prayer.  Especially being a month away from Rachel's 4th birthday.  This year has been much lighter on me grief wise, but time and distance have their own, different way of hurting.

Please also pray for Ezra - he's having surgery to put tubes in on Monday.  His hearing is still low and has been since May - so even though he's been infection free since July, his eardrum is still flat lining on the pressure test from the fluid behind them.

And just FYI for any of you who also have the MTHFR gene mutation... or think you might....When doing his hospital intake, I mentioned to them that I have the mutation and had read maybe some anesthesia could be problematic for me. They had the anesthesiologist call me back and he said there have been reports of kids who have the mutation and don't know it being given Nitrous Oxide and getting very sick and even DYING.  I had only read that I shouldn't have Nitrous Oxide in ONE article in all of my research - and after the Pediatrician REFUSING my kids the test deeming it "not necessary" to know,  I was more than surprised when anesthesia called me saying it wasn't safe for my kids to have it without us knowing for sure they don't have the MTHFR mutation.  Which we don't, thanks to Dr Rubin and the "genetic specialist" in Dover who said testing was pointless.  It maddening how little people know about this and how they all just blow it off.

Good to know, glad I asked.  Their prideful "doctor" could have seriously killed my baby.  I want to tell him about it, but he's not worth my energy either and my blood pressure rises just thinking about it. Hopefully their new doctor will be a little more reasonable and test my kids. (pray for that - that's coming up too)  But for now, I'm thankful that God protected E from potential harm.  SO thankful that someone listened and was proactive.  Not very common in the medical field these days.

Now I just hope I'm making the right decision doing this.  The thought of him being put under in front of me makes my stomach turn.  I've only seen a lifeless baby in front of me once before and she never came back.  It's going to be a long "ten minutes".  That's what I hear... it's only ten minutes.... For who?   Probably everyone else but me.

Seems to be the common theme.

Pray God can use my common theme to strengthen me.  I'm struggling to rise above it.  Only He can make beauty rise from ashes.  My heart needs to be revived with *His* common theme... I know it... it's redemption, love, purpose....  but I can't even see Him through it all right now.  Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.  He never moves... so it must be me.  And yet, I can't seem to move closer...

And, as usual as I write, I discover what's under all these random thoughts...  it's a trust issue.  I have a trust issue.  I am struggling to trust that He won't let me down and leave me  - that He has my best in mind - and that even if I die and my kids grow up without a mom, that He can use even my death for their good.  That thought makes me angry... and maybe that's my pride, but I don't want him to use my death - I want to be there with them.  I don't want to trust him to help them live without me.  I don't want to trust him to carry me through a lifetime of pointless pain and ER visits and physical limitations.  I don't want to even trust him to heal me.  I just want to be normal.  And I don't know why that was never in my cards.  Not as a child, a teenager, a young adult, a non believer, a believer, a mom, a wife.   I'm seriously disappointed in this plan.  I'm tired of hard.  Couldn't I just have between Rachel and my kids moving out to just do 'normal' life?  Couldn't I just have their childhood to be a strong healthy mom for them?  Does it always have to be something??  Dead baby, cancer,  pediatric stroke, autoimmune diseases, gene mutations, protruding disc, nerve damage, brain aneurysm... what's next??  I am almost scared to ask.  I know there are people who have it worse.... or never even make it to 35 with their kids.  I don't know, I just need a break.  I'm so discouraged.

I'll get back to good, but right now, I'm not there.  But where else am I going to go?