She Still Does

I haven't written in a while, but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to say... just have no time to say it.  I feel like blog posts are constantly running through my mind, but to find the time to sit down and express them in words is hard.

I have a lot to share about our recent road trip to Florida... we drove all over the East Coast with our gang and it was AMAZING.  We had a few very meaningful and special visits with friends I had made through Rachel but had not met yet and my heart was so full and so thankful that I honestly almost can't put it into words...  but I really want to try!!

So this post is more to just break the writer's block I've been having and get my fingers moving again... I hope I get to sit down soon and share with you all everything on my heart from that trip....

Until then, here's a real quick update on my Rachel journey....

Lately, I've been feeling relieved of some of the weight of sadness.  She is never more than a single thought from my mind, as she always has been, but I mostly feel just the missing piece of our family... the feeling of being incomplete, but not the feeling of wanting to cry or a desperate need to do things for her.  Not that I don't still cry - or still long to care for her, but it is different (right this moment - always subject to change!)

I find myself able to look at and buy girl clothes for my friends' babies without it hurting.  I do regularly make loud sighs at cute girl clothes in the stores though - mostly just out of a never ending desire to be able to dress up a little girl again.  Part of my grieving process has to do with the fact that I always wanted Des to have a sister - someone to do life with in a different way than you can with brothers (hopefully)....  and realizing that there is a good chance now that it might never happen.

I've been feeling better health wise - I don't know how much I've shared about my health or my appointment with the naturopath that my Rachel-given friend from Switzerland had paid for me to see, but my blood pressure got immediately better with the change of vitamins (Doctors would have NEVER figured that out!) and it has remained good.  I'm currently working on weaning myself off of them and am now on only one.  My pain levels have been much better although not gone, but I don't feel 90 anymore and am keeping up with my kids and the house much better, so I'm very thankful.  Every once in a while I feel a portion of what I used to feel like all the time and can't believe I was still functioning in that amount of pain.   But you do what you have to do...

I do have some other new stuff happening with my heart and have a stress test and Echo coming up.  My symptoms seem to be better since stopping one of the bp meds, so I'm hoping it was side effects.  I'm still regularly frustrated with the absolute ignorance of doctors - like why nobody picked up on the fact that my new symptoms lined up with them putting me on a new medicine... glad we have the Internet or I'd probably be dead already.  I'm waiting on approval for my next scan of my brain aneurysm - I was supposed to get it in February, but insurance has denied it and so I'm appealing it.  I'm not feeling overly worried about that now that my blood pressure is under control though... praying it hasn't grown when they remeasure, that would be a good sign for long term safety.

I'm amazed at how much Rachel has helped us.  She truly is a gift from heaven... If she didn't come and go, me and all of the kids would have so many unexplained health issues and the doctors would never have come up with MTHFR all on their own.  Because of Rachel, I am able to provide for and protect her siblings in a way I could not have done without her.  I am absolutely convinced that her life and death had a much bigger role in our well being than I ever realized before.  I always knew she had given me a richness in my relationship with God I wouldn't have otherwise, but now knowing that He also used her to bring all of this to light, I am brought to tears regularly thinking about how she has helped my other children. I've also had a few friends come to find out they have the MTHFR and have found relief from their unexplained health concerns as well.  I'm just constantly in awe of how God provides.  It doesn't always look like provision - and it can hurt like crazy, but He is so faithful.

My little girl continues to make this world a better place to live... I continue to find more and more ways in which her short life has forever impacted mine for the better.  I continue to be more and more thankful for her - I smile every time I think of her.  She is so loved... so wanted... so missed... so appreciated...  and so perfect, just the way she is... exactly where she is... precisely who she is....

She is an amazing picture of God's grace and provision.

She is part of His plan.

And His plan is eternally good, right, true and beautiful.

She is my girl.  My tiny dancer.  She brought me hope, still does.  She brought me Joy, still does.  And just like she showed me more of God then, she still does.