My Shoulders Weren't Built for This

Where do I go for answers?  Other people?  Self help books?

Who do I turn to when I'm hurting... sad... betrayed... struggling to forgive... tired of life....overwhelmed?

Am I the same person in public and in private?  Do I care more about what people see or what God sees? Do I understand that He doesn't miss a. single. thing?  Motives and all... ??  The very depths of my heart...?  Do I hate the things that He hates?  Even the 'acceptable sins' ?  Do you?

Why do I try to carry burdens on my own weak shoulders - or continue to hope that other weak people will somehow share the weight - when, without fail, God has shown me that His shoulders are strong enough to carry it for me and that He will never let me down - and that people always do...?

Why do I try to be so strong?  Trust is a major issue for me - time and time again people have proven to me that trusting others is a dangerous and unwise thing to do. And I suppose in my early years of being a Christian, I expected more from believers then I got in party houses all those years - but sometimes the only difference is lack of intoxication and the ability to recite the 'right words' with a nice smile.  And so hurt after hurt and betrayal after betrayal, I've struggled to not allow that to bring back a truth I've lived with my entire life - that I have to rely on myself alone or I will be disappointed and hurt - and even that disappoints me regularly.  

But why - or how - or when - does that turn into me struggling to trust my God who has NEVER once given me a reason to feel He is untrustworthy or that His Word isn't true.  The ONLY One who has never lied to me... betrayed me... shared my secret pains with others... hurt me... left me alone... turned His back on me or said one thing and did another... The only One I don't have to question if His motives are right and true... Truly the best friend I have ever or will ever have. 

Maybe that's why every time this song comes on the radio, I can't seem to get the volume loud enough and it never seems to play long enough for the amount of tears that want to fall...  My shoulders weren't built for this. And I'm tired of carrying it...  all of it.  I'm tired of letting people in and being hurt and allowing satan to use that to make me question the goodness of God.  If anything the facades I am so tired of within the church should only prove all the more how sinful people on earth are - whether they recognize it or not - and how much MORE I need God to make it through this life.

Because the last 5 years - from the valleys to the mountain tops... all the pain and the amazing blessings mixed in... have been the most beautifully difficult days I've ever walked through.  I have been blessed in more ways than I deserve and have been given beauty in the midst of ashes that many people will never experience and I would never trade.  I have 7 amazing and beautiful children; a piece of me in heaven... and I've known pain like no other.  And it seems to never let up, even as God continues to bestow blessing after blessing upon me.  The struggle is real.  The reality of my life is that it's more difficult because of the very gifts I've been given.  And I am so, so thankful and so aware of how unbelievably blessed I am - and yet so, so tired and so weary in these hard days.

And I can't do it alone - so take it from me Lord.... take it all, not just a little bit.   

Oh, these hands are tired
Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired 

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

Faith is something I am not accustomed to

And trusting other people is something I don't really love to do

I've never been a fan of it

I act tough, but really my shoulders they ain't built for this

And I don't have nothing

It's like I'm standing in the rain and You offer me a rain coat

But I would rather stand there wringing wet than take the hand out

What's wrong with me?
You said You've always got Your hands out

And I cannot continue on my own

So take my hands now

I give You everything

God, not just a little bit

Take it from me

I am nothing but a hypocrite

I hate sin, but I built a house and I still live in it

Afraid to open up the door to You

Let You into it

My soul is lost and

What it needs is Your direction

I know I've told You I do not need Your protection

But I lied to You

This thing is tiring

And man was not created for it

God, please retire me now

Oh, these hands are tired
Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired 

But I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

Trust is something I am not accustomed to
And I know the Bible says that I should always trust in You

But I don't ever read that book enough

And when I have a question

I don't take the time to look it up or pick it up

It collects dust on my nightstand

I'm just being honest

Please take this out of my hands

I have no control

I am just a person

But thank the Lord that I serve a God that's perfect

I do not deserve the opportunity You've given me

I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means

I am not ashamed

I don't care if they remember me

My life will always have a hole if You are not the centerpiece

Take me out of bondage

Take all of my pride

If I don't have a Savior, I don't have nothing inside

Take all of my lust

Take all of my lies

There's no better feeling than when I look in the sky in Your eyes

It's amazing

Oh, these hands are tired
Oh, this heart is tired

Oh, this soul is tired

But I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on

I'll keep on, I'll keep on, I'll keep on