Permanently Broken

I hadn't been to Rachel's grave but maybe twice since August 4 and Matt hadn't been with me for a visit in I don't know how long.... so on the 3rd, we took a trip together, just him & I.  I had picked up a pretty mum plant for her and for our porch here that looked like little pink daisies.  The weather was decent, which was good because there was a lot to be done.  All of the stuff there was either dead or broken so we replaced the daisy lights and cleaned everything up.  The one good thing about 'things' is that they can be replaced or fixed.

I was brought down memory lane from when we picked her stone out.  I was 7 or 8 months pregnant and standing on the ground that would eventually hold her, talking to the monument guy about what we were hoping to get her for a stone...  It was late in the season for dandelions, but I looked down and there was a little yellow flower right where she would soon be buried.  The same thing happened on this visit. ♥

It's interesting, because I was due with Asa two weeks before Rachel's 1st birthday - and yet the dates lining up that time didn't seem to be as heavy on my heart as they are this time.  Maybe I was still in survival mode, being in my first year of grief, but for some reason, this pregnancy is bringing me serious flashbacks that didn't happen with Asa.  At times, I forget it's not her in me because everything feels so similar.  It makes the pain feel raw again in ways it hasn't in a long, long time.

I didn't know yet in these pictures that I had poly, but it's kind of obvious when I look at them now seeing as I was only 28 weeks here... 

So, I felt better, leaving her spot looking clean and loved... and here I am almost a month later and haven't been back once to take care of it... so I know it's looking yucky again and it's weighing on me.  I was going to go this morning, but I ended up coming back home because I needed to rest and car rides tend to put me in serious pain these days.

Continued prayer for my poly and pain levels and also for the baby's safe arrival are appreciated.  I also covet your prayers for my heart and mind.  These days are hard every year, but this year is feeling especially heavy as I await Rachel's youngest sibling's arrival... and I'm starting to get the feeling that year 5 just might have been a hard one anyway.  I'm missing so much with her. :(

I'm actually starting to wonder if it ever will be consistently easier.... I have moments of 'easy' but 'hard' always returns and honestly, I'm pretty tired of it.  I'm worn out from the hard.  I just want easy.... like life was like before I knew any of this pain.  I am tired of feeling so broken.. and even more tired of feeling like I can't be put back together.  Tired of knowing how impossible it is to replace her or to mend the places in my heart where her absence is felt.

I know I have seen great and amazing healing throughout the last 5 years and I'm thankful for that. God has been more than good to me and provided more than I deserve.  I just wasn't prepared for the permanently broken aspect of this journey.  It was easier to handle when I was naive enough to think it was temporary, like the rest of the world often believes about grief.  But it's not.  It's permanent.  I still believe it has a beautiful purpose in God's plan for my life... but I just wish I didn't have to endure it.