Healing Balm

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this or not, but we decided long before Eden was born that we would not be having visitors for a while after I gave birth.  Mostly, this was because we've done this enough times to know that the first couple of weeks, rest and bonding time is crucial for healing and milk supply - and also sets us up for how the next few MONTHS will go - long after everyone else goes home.  We've done this enough times to know that visiting can be so draining and we're smart enough to know that 6 kids at home to take care of is no small task and rest would be necessary if I was going to be able to take it on.  So, despite some backlash, we set a boundary that many didn't like, but most were good about respecting.  Thank you for that.  It was a great help to us.

After Eden's scare on the 26th, I got even more serious about protecting her from germs and the drives to the hospital and back constantly really wore me out.  So once we were home for good, I didn't want to leave.

It got to be February and I still hadn't decorated or shoveled Rachel's grave and it was wearing on me.  I called my friend Ellen who lives near Rachel's cemetery and asked her if she would go with me to clean it up because it was getting dark and I don't like being there at night alone.  She did and so we went and took care of it, star gazed a bit, talked a lot,  and then I went to her house for awhile after.

She has a grandson she takes care of who was born on Rachel's birthday, same day, same year.  Since they live near Rachel's spot, I see them walking there often and have seen her a few times over the last 5 years pushing him in a stroller near Rachel's grave.  I always look and think that's how big she would be...

Ellen introduced him to me again and he very quickly responded "I love you Mrs. Aube!" which was the best thing I had heard all day. ♥  And, well, he was absolutely in love with Eden... and so when he asked to hold her, even though the only other person to hold her had been my mom (because she spent a night with us at the hospital when Eden got sent back to Maine), I couldn't say no.

He's far from looking like Rachel would... being a boy and all :)  But I could just imagine her holding her little sister and how in love she would be with her.  He was very honored to know he got to hold her first...

There are so many things along this journey with my sweet Christmas baby Eden Joy that I don't think I could have handled if I had another Christmas girl any sooner.  The timing of her arrival is just right for all these amazing moments to be moments that heal my heart just a little more each time.  Emotion comes at times when nobody else would guess it's that complicated in my heart - it's been that way all along - except more often now, the complication helps soothe the parts of my heart that would suddenly sting before without having any way of relief... It's as if Eden brought with her a healing balm for every sting, every sore spot on my heart or mind, every scar left from wounds being reopened... and just having her with me applies that heavenly balm to the exact place I'll need it, just when I do.  The pain still exists, the wounds and scars still there... I still fall apart at times.  But if there was ever a time when I felt that God was able to use the things that I'm experiencing with another child of mine to relieve some of the pain of what I'm missing with Rachel - it is now.  It is Eden Joy.  It has never been so...  this.... so... Perfect.  But it is now and I'm so, so thankful.