Bye Bye Gum Paste

On Monday when we visited Rachel for her birthday, I left the cake topper (the dandelion part) on her stone.  I expected it to fly away - or maybe get eaten by a deer.  When I pulled in to the cemetery today, I could see from a distance it was still there and I was a little sad cause that meant I was going to have to throw it away and I hate throwing things of hers away.

Um, that would have been easier than what I found!  Apparently there was enough warm sun that day to melt the gum paste.... and melt it did.... and then it got cold enough to make it extremely hard to get off.

So, with a flat head screwdriver and some partially frozen wet wipes, I scraped and wiped and scraped and wiped until my hands felt like they would fall off, it was so cold!  It was all over the top and had dripped down the side.  After finishing one pack of wet wipes, I went to the van to grab another and Des said "looks like the seeds have scattered a little too much". 

And as I continued on pulling the bubblegum like cake decoration off my girl's stone, I thought about that....  some of the seeds her life has scattered have brought me beautiful and irreplaceable friendships.  Many more than I ever would have expected - and certainly more 'real' friends than I had before Rachel.  Some seeds have brought me brief friendships that lasted for a purpose and for a time.  But, some have been ones I've come to find were just for looks.... just a topper that was only connected long enough to be part of the presentation - and then when nobody is looking, they turn to a gum paste mess. 

Unfortunately, in the midst of the beauty of our new baby's announcement, there are a couple of people who have revealed their true makeup - although they look like a nice 'topper' and the presentation is pretty and all, the truth is still there and it's still a mess.  And just like, although I wasn't at Rachel's grave watching each drop of that gooey mess fall, God saw it all - He sees all that is being done now.  No matter how innocent things can appear or be claimed as, HE knows the heart and HE knows the motive.  And HE will be the one to take care of it.  Not me. 

I wiped away the last of the gum paste and blew warm breath on my fingers to take the chill out of them.... I continued on until I wiped down every inch of her stone.  The messy stuff had caused me to clean the stuff I hadn't noticed until today.... and now her stone is shining like it hasn't in a while.

I knew in that moment, that no matter what people do to try to steal my joy - or the beauty I find in My ROCK... my God.... It can't be moved.  He is stronger, more sure, more lasting than anything anyone can do to me.  He knows my heart, He knows the truth, He knows my baby...  and He will ultimately judge and deal with everyone.  The good and the bad.  Gum paste toppers and all. 

I figured out why the deer didn't take the topper - they are smarter than me.  I wish I would have been wiser in who I allowed into my heart along this journey.  I wanted so badly for God to touch as many people as possible, but I have been too trusting and I have been burned by people who claimed to care - but who really are too self-absorbed to care about anyone but themselves.  I wish I could have told the difference between the cake and the topper. 

The funny thing is that looking back, it's always been the real cake - the true friends - the ones who care about me and my heart - that have tended to be less likely to try to convince me they are on my side.  They just show it by their deeds.  They quietly stand with me and for me.  They listen, and give me solid, godly council (even if I won't like it) when I need input - but they also love me enough to hear my heart and my concerns....and put aside their pride to try to understand me.  My Nana always said if you had a couple of real friends, you were blessed.  I didn't get it then, but I do now... they are hard to come by.

So, in a world where we have hundreds of 'friends' on facebook - where people 'friend' you so they can see into your life - and the immature use it as a platform to ridicule and jab at you until you wonder why in the world anyone on the face of the planet even wants a facebook page..... I'm redefining 'friends'. 

See, people say all sorts of aggressive things they would never say to someone's face on facebook... people are snide and cruel.  I've been mocked and ridiculed publically (in a passive-aggressive, yet very obvious way), all because of a simple and humble request I made privately about something that was so very plain to see - and only becoming MORE blatantly obvious since I shared my heart about it yesterday.  In an attempt to prove their points (which is basically that they can do whatever they want regardless of how it makes me feel), they are only proving what I said to be true, which is actually kind of amusing - and sad... but it still causes me unnecessary pain.  Mostly because I thought they were my friends.  And friends don't act like that - even if they disagree.  I know this because I have real friends who I can disagree with and they don't start throwing gum paste around.... we can love each other AND disagree, it's a beautiful thing.  I guess that's probably more about their maturity (which apparently does not come with age) than their personality, because nobody likes to be confronted.  Some just handle it better than others. 

I'm removing the gum paste so I can see the shiny stone underneath.... I am clearing away the gooey mess and looking to the beauty of my Rock.  I'm learning that I need to be more careful with cake toppers and where I trust them.  And I'm standing firm in the fact that God knows.  Vengeance is HIS.  He is my Vindicator.  I'd rather be happy than right.... and even if they get away with this behavior for now, they can never have what God has given me in Rachel or Baby E - and one day they will answer to God and they won't be able to play the "who me?" card.  He knows and cannot be fooled.  I love that about God.

 

Galatians 6:7-10

⁷ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸ Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

I'm asking God to help me obey and trust this passage.  To remember Who He is when I feel attacked.  Please pray this for me.  I want to be obedient to Christ.  I want to shine for Him, even if it means I have to let others persecute me.

2 Cor. 12:9 – 10

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong

 

1John 4:20-21

If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

 

Please Lord, help me to love those who do not show love to me. 

Why is that so hard? 

You do it all the time.  Help me to be more like You.

A Baby Name

In September, while we were on vacation, God gave us a name.... a baby name.... It's something we do for fun - throw out random names and ask "Do you like _____ for a name?"   And no, I wasn't pregnant, this is actually something we do for no reason.  But this time, I threw out the meaning I wanted in a name and God literally pulled a ton of details together over the next few days until both of us were 100% certain He had given us the name.  It is perfect.

So, I can't tell you what the name is... yet. 

But what I can tell you is that on Thanksgiving morning, Asa and I made an early morning trip to Walmart because my home pregnancy test had a very faint second line and I wanted to make sure it wasn't defective.  And I can tell you that I've taken two more tests since then and the second line continues to get darker.  And I can tell you that I had it confirmed at Options for Women the next week.  And I can tell you that we're really excited....  And I can tell you that it starts with E.

Baby E is expected to arrive on 7-23-13.  Our only summer baby so far and ironically, those numbers added together = 43 ♥

It was my first cycle after nursing Asa and it was very long.... so long that I had taken a couple tests previously that had come back negative and I had decided I was getting old and my body was changing.  I've always had 28 day cycles.  So when I got to day 39 and hadn't had a positive yet, I really didn't expect a positive... I expected I would start any day.  But there it was right in front of my eyes.....  I'm having another baby!  I hope.

Given the length of my cycle, we are doing an ultrasound on the 18th to get an accurate due date.  My calculations come out more around August 3rd.  And honestly, I'm going to call it now... I think this baby is going to be my birthday present :o)  (7/28)

Shortly before Rachel's birthday, I found out I am pregnant...  and sometime close to her diagnosis day, we will be expecting to meet this little one.  The two hardest weeks of my life and I have been given a reason to rejoice!

So, here is the reason that I haven't told anyone.... and it's not a good one.  And I'm sorry if this is something you would rather hear from us than through a blog.... I mean, how did we know anything about anyone before Facebook? 

I feel like people won't be happy for us.  And I don't want to hear the "another one, you guys?!"  or the "oh no, you poor thing" or "are you crazy?" or "people with lots of kids are poor" or any of the other lovely things I have heard from people in the past - and we were only on baby #4 then, not #7 - so I don't expect it to be any better this time, except now I have to also hear the judgement over the fact that we're known to have babies without heads and miscarriages - and "why would I want to risk putting myself through that again?" 

And so rather than have to hear it from anyone, I'm giving you all time to get the sighs and the negative remarks out of your system before we speak.  And if you still have them when we do speak, maybe the time between now and then will help you to keep them to yourself.  Because we are happy.  We are excited to welcome another blessing from God.  We are trusting God can and will provide all our needs and that no matter what happens, He will be with us.  And we aren't interested in anyones sympathy over something we find to be a great joy and honor.

And if you are happy for us and rejoicing with us, thank you!!!  I have actually already come up with my one liner (you know how I like to have those... it helps me to not say something I'll regret!) for the people who say "you have your hands full!"  in a negative tone while at the stores...  I plan to say "I know, and I can't wait until they all have kids and come home for Thanksgiving!  It's going to be AWESOME!!"  I came up with that one day as I was telling my friend Megan how great I thought Thanksgivings would be and caught myself smiling like a kid at Christmas... and then I realized I found out I was pregnant on Thanksgiving day!! ♥  Thanksgivings will be awesome, I can't wait!! 

Originally, I planned to wait to share until we were 12-13 weeks and they could see that this baby had a nice round head...  I know that part of the reason people are not happy for us, when they are for other people is because I am the one who has babies that die... that doesn't happen to other people in our family... so I wanted to help that 'problem' by not telling anyone until I knew for sure its head was there. 

I'm sure I could be wrong... but I feel that everything is going to be ok.  And I know that can mean two different things.  I hope it means that this baby is whole and healthy and will join our family for keeps.  But if it means that God is preparing me like He prepared me for Rachel, well, I'm thankful for that.  And I believe the best way to show how awesome my God is, is to trust in HIS plan... His whole plan... and the only way I can share that fully is to be vulnerable and say it....


I'm pregnant, I don't know if this baby will live, I love him/her anyway - no matter what -and always will...  And I know that God is in this.

On Rachel's birthday, I rearranged my photos so that I could fit our new family drawing (which is going to have to be update, Chloe!!)... and in doing so, I spaced them out more.  Which made it possible to add my 6th frame in our row of children for Baby E. ♥


It amazes me that 'somehow' Rachel's photo always shines so bright when I take a pic!
so angelic ♥

 

If you could be praying for us, that would be appreciated.... particularly because on the 18th (the day I was due with the baby I miscarried) I will go back for the first time to the ultrasound room where I had Rachel's diagnosis ultrasound.  I left that hospital on August 4, 2010 and never went back.... but I have decided to use that doctor again as well.  And that will probably be hard too.  I'm more nervous about the emotions that it will bring up being there than the actual ultrasound, but deep down I know the fear is there... that I might get bad news again.  That I could be just trusting enough to get blindsided... but I suppose I could never be as caught off guard as with Rachel.  And expecting bad news only does one thing... ruins today too.  So for now, I stand in faith that God has woven together a healthy baby in my womb - and that if He hasn't, I will be ok.

So, there it is... welcome to the world Baby E.... we love you already!!! 

The REST of Her Birthday

It's been a strange week.  And I feel like God has shown me something that I wasn't expecting...how unlike Him!

Yesterday started off with an extremely emotional morning, hence the early blog post.  As the day went on, I was kind of surprised by it.  There was a lot that happened, I'll try to condense.

I've received a bunch of emails over the past 2 years about how the #43 stands for "love you".  Back in the days of paging, you would type 143 for "I love you" and so 43 was shortened to "love you".  Lots of people have written to tell me they think that Rachel's 43 minutes was to say "love you" to me.  I got an email saying this the morning of her birthday too and then on facebook, someone had written "Rachel, please send your Mama a 43 today".

I posted about Restoring Aching Arms at exactly 10:27am, in remembrance of the time she was born.  I started getting ready to go to her grave - and each minute was on my mind.  Was this really all I got with her?  43 minutes doesn't last long.   I got the kids ready, packed the top of her cake and some plates and plasticware, plus of course, my camera and we left. 

I stopped at the post office to check her box.  I sat in the parking lot to read the cards that came in and as I finished and pulled to the end of the parking lot, I looked at the clock and it was 11:10am.  43 minutes had come and gone and it went by like a flash.  I took a deep sigh and looked back at the road...  and the car in front of me had this license plate:

 

Rachel sent me my 43... my 'love you'.  And at the exact time she left me two years ago.  It was unbelievable.  I didn't know whether to smile or cry - so I did both.

 

We went to her grave and the kids and I sat on a picnic blanket and sang happy birthday and ate cake together.  It was BEAUTIFUL out - 54 degrees!!  A huge difference from the 23 and snowing we had on Saturday!  I sat in the warm sun and read her all of the letters we got about how she has changed the world, while the kids played hide and seek (including Asa!  He's so big!) 

 

 

 

As we were eating, a girl who was visiting a nearby grave came over with her little girl and said to her "Remember Baby Rachel's Playground that we play on?  This is her family."  I told them we were celebrating her birthday and offered them cake. 

 

We went home and after Des had her piano lesson, I put the baby down for nap and I laid down for a short nap too.  I'm horrible at taking time to rest, but I felt like it was something I wanted to do.  I wasn't feeling real tired, just more like I wanted to pamper myself.... and before I went to sleep I asked God to let her join me in my dream.  I've only dared to ask that one other time before.  I don't know why, but I'm kind of scared to dream about her.  I've only dreamed about her once since I had her.  And unfortunately, she didn't meet me there.  I slept for 45 minutes, which again, flew by.

 

I got up and made dinner and got dressed to go to a friend's wake.  It was the last thing I felt like doing on Rachel's birthday, but I knew it was right.  We weren't able to get a sitter, so we packed the kids into the van and we went up and took turns going in.  As we were getting ready to leave, I looked at my phone... it was 43 degrees out. ♥  Confirmation that we were supposed to make the time for our friend that night. 

 

When we left, I asked Matt if he wanted to stop at Rachel's grave on the way home.  He said yes and then I got an idea....

 

I decided on the spur of the moment to call the party store we were near and ask if they had lighted lanterns... they did, so we stopped and got one.  If you've ever seen the movie Tangled, they release lighted lanterns each year on her birthday in case she ever decides she wants to come back home.... I have been wanting to do a lantern release for a long time... but fires scare me.  I had talked to a friend about doing it this year at her graveside memorial on Saturday and we decided it would be too cold if we stayed in the dark.  It would have never worked on Saturday with all the snow. 

A friend of mine had done a release for her daughter's anniversary in November and she told me that her & her husband saw a shooting star.  It was after she had asked God for comfort and it was so clear that He was answering in a loud way... 

 

So on the way, Matt was driving too fast and I said to slow down.  He said "I need to go fast so we don't miss the shooting star." 

 

 

 The sky was so clear that when we got to her grave, we were in awe of how brightly the stars were shining.  I haven't seen a sky that crisp and clear in a very long time.  But we don't go out at night much!  We lit the lantern and let it go and as it floated away, I whispered to the sky "Lighting your way home, pretty girl..."  But as I watched it float away, I was reminded that this isn't her home.  She's already there.  Maybe I was lighting my way home....

 

 

 

 

And no sooner did I think that and a shooting star whipped across the sky from behind our heads!!  I gasped and looked at Matt in disbelief... "I saw it too!" he said.  We stood in complete amazement.  It was AWESOME.  God is so good!  

 

I honestly think that He blessed us for doing what HE wanted us to, rather than what I wanted to that night... because if it wasn't for Billy's wake, we would have sat home and never done the lantern, which has been a desire of my heart for a while.  And we wouldn't have seen the star either!

So, here are my thoughts about this week....

I spent hours preparing and money we didn't have to stand in the snow and freezing cold.  I was let down by so many people and at the end of a very beautiful day, still sad.  It was 23 and snowing Saturday, 30 and raining on Sunday... and out of nowhere, we get a spring day in December on her birthday!  54 degrees, not a cloud in the sky and warm - not to mention the warm night and clear sky.  Then today it was back to cold and dreary and just 39 degrees.

Only a couple people remembered her birthday yesterday.... and people that should have, didn't...and probably never will.  But somehow I had more peace and joy then I had with the group of people standing in the snow.  And I guess it's partly because even though I know they want to support us, I hate feeling like I'm a burden. (they don't make me feel that way, I just do)

I knew God had something in all that snow for me... but I didn't know He would continue it throughout the next few days.  It was actually the stark difference between the two days - and how out of place her actual birthday was weather wise - that finally made me see....

Rachel somehow became famous.  Her story has always been 'loud'.  There's always been a lot of people.  And I've always felt comfort in knowing that so many were affected by her.  As that has started to dwindled, I've fought it because in my heart, it means she is less important than she used to be.  People aren't getting what they used to get from my story, so they are finding new things.  It makes me second guess who they were in it for.... her or them?  And the journey loses some of it's beauty.

I felt like my simple day at home and picnicing on her grave were the best hours I have had in a long time.  I had so much joy on the hardest day of my life - because GOD met me there.  The number of times I got a 43 or another message from above that day are innumerable.  It was a good day.  I never thought I would say that about the anniversary of the day she died.

Sure, at the end of the day, I was sad that only my mom & sister called.  I was sad that she's still gone.  I cried a few times and I still shook my head in disbelief that she is really gone.  I wasn't beyond any of that.  I'm still a human mama with a hole in my heart that can never be replaced...but I knew that I had God's blessing on my day.  I knew I was right where I was supposed to be with the people I needed to be with.  And she felt close. 

So, I don't know what the next year will bring, but I feel like I need to change it up a bit.  To rely on people less and not need their presence and approval to know that she matters.  And God reminded me that even if I do, her legacy cannot be lost.  I've labored long and hard to leave her handprints on peoples' hearts - and I believe they are there.  For the first time since August 2010, I felt like I could rest.  I felt like I was enough as her mama.  I felt like I had all the support I needed while sitting all alone on her grave.  It was beautiful.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.

 

Psalm 62:1-2

    My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

 

Psalm 127:1-3

Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward

Introducing.... Restoring Aching Arms

Last year, after Rachel's birthday, I wrote This post.

It was called "When Hallmark Fails" and was about the fact that they just don't make cards for people like me.... people who celebrate babies that are going to die, or have died... and especially not people who celebrate birthdays for babies who died the same day.

In the last line of that post, I wrote this: "And I might just have to start my own line of cards.  Lookout Hallmark, you're going down!"

And I'm cracking up right now as I read that because a year later, here I am.... starting my own card line!

This is what I've been working on secretly for the past couple of months.  And I'm announcing it on her birthday at 10:27am, the time she was born, because she LIVED.  And that's what this card line is all about.... they may be gone, but that doesn't mean they didn't exist or they didn't matter.  And our babies dying will never mean they aren't a part of our family or that they won't matter for the rest of our lives. 

It is called Restoring Aching Arms - initials matching Rachel's initials ♥ and written and designed for mamas who have lost babies - to miscarriage, baby loss, or failed adoptions/Foster loss - as well as people who are grieving infertility. 

Some of the photos you may recognize from my blog :o)

Thank you to my dear friend Lisa for all your help with this and also to Mike for helping me with the site.  I'd have lost my mind without you guys!

And so it is my great honor to introduce to you Restoring Aching Arms...

Please visit the website at www.raahope.com.  There is an "About" tab that will tell you more about the babies behind these cards.  And there is a "Shop Cards" tab where you will find the entire selection.  The home page just has a couple of the most recent additions.   Please take a few minutes to browse and let me know what you think!

I also plan to address each holiday - especially Christmas & Mother's Day - with a few different options to encourage the mamas going through those times without their babies. To help them to know they are not forgotten and that someone understands that it still hurts - and often hurts MORE at those special times of year.  Our Christmas cards are on the site now... check them out!

Please also let me know if there is a specific kind of card you would like to see - as well as if any of them offend or don't say something right.  I'm doing this for all of you, so I want to know if they don't help. 

It's been my deepest desire from the beginning of this journey to be able to help people in ways that I have hurt - and cards have been one of them (as you'll see when you read the When Hallmark Fails post.)  I pray that this will help you to feel more supported as a baby loss mama - or to be able to better support the baby loss mamas in your life.  We are everywhere just aching to have our babies remembered, no matter how long it has been.

Happy Birthday Rachel Alice Aube.... you continue to inspire me to do greater things.  Thank you for all that you were and are.  You are my greatest blessing.

O Death, Where is Your Victory?

I woke up this morning to Asa crying....again.  He's been up off and on all night for the last couple weeks.  He is on an anitbiotic for bronchitis, but I think he's getting some teeth too.  I'm not sure what it is, but since he's been home, we haven't gotten this little sleep.

I changed him, fixed his socks, gave him some teething things, gave him some tylenol, made him a warm bottle and rocked him.  All bases covered. 

About half way through all this, I remembered it's now the 3rd.

I kissed him on his chubby cheek and it was cold.  His cheeks are never cold.  My mind immediately went back to two years ago today. 

I woke up at 5am to greet the sitter at the door and got ready to go meet my girl.  I really thought I'd have her for the day. 

5 hours and 27 mins later, they pulled her from my womb.  43 mins after that she was gone.

I wish I remembered her warm cheeks.  They were warm.  I wish I remembered her warm nose.  I know it was.  I wish I remembered her pink skin.  She did start out that way.

But with one touch to my lips of Asa's cold cheek, it all came flooding back.  In that moment I could feel her perfect little Aube nose cradled between my lips.  She was so cold.  I wanted to warm her up.  But I couldn't.  The parts of her body I kept towards mine stayed warm and mobile....and the rest cold and stiff.  But no matter how I tried, I couldn't keep every inch of her touching me.  I would have forever if I could have fought death a little longer.

And as I sat there rocking my sweet baby Asa... Rachel's little brother....  my mind wandered from her nose - to the operating room - to second guessing my c-section, to the funeral home picking her up - to if I should have kept her with me until her funeral.... I mean, she had to be somewhere, why not with me? - to how I had asked them to try to embalm her and they weren't able to....they cut her open for nothing and I wasn't there with her... why did I want that so badly?  I was trying to fight the reality of death.  I wanted her to look like she did for as long as possible as if it really matters what happens under the ground...  but when I went to see her at the funeral home on the way home from the hospital, I could here saran wrap in her outfit.  I wanted to get her dressed myself, but they told me they didn't recommend it.  They said it was there for her bandage from the embalming attempt.  This morning I wondered if they messed with her heart.... was she a mess?  Did she bleed?  Did they take all her blood out?  Did that make her weigh less?  Was it too bad for me to see?  Should I have just dressed her and not worried about it so that I could have been the one to dress her and wouldn't have to wonder about what that horrible noise was under her "Love to Twirl" outfit?

I thought I didn't have any regrets.  And for some reason this morning, they are taunting me.  As if I really could have done anything to fight off death. 

I laid Asa down in his crib and he slipped gently back to sleep.  I'm so thankful he's alive.  I'm thankful for crying.  For teething.  For being woken up every hour for a baby who needs me and whom I can comfort.  Because 2 years ago today I was up all night with a dead baby trying to fight death....and I have no control over it.  Two years ago today, I refused to sleep because I might miss a moment of being able to look at my little girl.  Two years ago today, I worked on a funeral plan while still in the hospital and posted a picture of my daughter that I tried to edit just enough that her blueness wasn't so obvious, but so you could see her pretty pink daisy dress. 

Thank you Jesus that YOU conquered death.  Thank You that in YOU she is alive and warm and she doesn't have any saran wrap taped to her wounded body.  Thank You that with YOU she is pink, she can breathe, she is not just sporting a ballerina's outfit, but that she is truly dancing at your feet.  And thank you that YOU and YOU alone are my comfort.  That in these moments where I have regrets, I can trust that You directed me in those times.  That I can lay it all at your feet and say it is well with my soul.... because in YOU death has lost it's sting and it has no victory. 

Please Lord make this my heart's song today because I am so so sad and the visions in my mind are breaking my heart over and over again.

Rachel Alice, I miss you.  I long to hold you again.  Someday, pretty girl.  Someday.

This is a video for those reading by email, you'll need to go to the blog to see it.

 

1 Corinthians 15:55-58

 

“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

 

 

And the verses we read at her grave Saturday:
2 Corinthians 4:7-18

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.”^[b] Since we have that same spirit of^[c] faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Who She'd Be Today

I had been working with a friend from New Zealand, Chloe, who does drawings in memory of her daughter Hope who died last year. She has a ministry called Eternal Hope Portraits and she is so very talented, and draws with all her heart.

 She contacted me in May and offered to draw a picture of Rachel... I couldn't make my mind up between two ideas I had, so she said she would do both! We have gone back and forth for months until she got them just as I had envisioned, which was not an easy task! I was hoping to have them in time for Rachel's party and it was getting really close and not looking very good. They showed up on Friday and I got them framed at 9pm, just in time for her party.

Thank you Chloe for all your patience and love! Hope has a very dedicated Mama! I will always think of her every time I look at my beautiful drawings. I woke up on Saturday to find a gift on my door "from Rachel" it had a little poem written as if it was from her and it was another one of those "HOPE" mugs. I took out the other one I already have and put one in front of each drawing on the table to remember Hope too on Rachel's day. ♥

The little cards on the 'clothes line' on the table are all the shorter things people wrote about Rachel's impact on them. ♥

 

She's blowing the seeds and I get to hold her and watch where they go.  Chloe put 43 daisies in this drawing ♥

 

 

After looking at lots of pictures of my other kids and of Rachel, this is what we came to for what Rachel would look like now. I'm so thankful to have a picture that has our whole family in it... because when we take a photo together, THIS is what my heart feels. But the first timeI saw this, I cried for hours. I wish I could hold her now. I wish it wasn't just in my mind and heart.  It hurts so much to see what we're missing - and yet this reminds me that there is hope....Eternal HOPE! Thanks, Chloe!!


 

 

His "Perfect" for Rachel's Celebration

Everyone is asking how her party went. I feel like writing about as much as I feel like chewing on tinfoil, but it might be easier to just say this once.

So, here it is...

Her party was beautiful.  Everything fell into place and I have lots to share about a few different things...  but those will come later.  I believe that God was in every detail, right down to the below freezing temperature and the wet snow.

But let me give you the brutal honesty people always say they love unless it refers to them.... I have been flooded with excuses today. Every time someone approached me this morning - and then through a long list of emails this afternoon - I would get the question 'how did it go?' followed by some excuse of why they didn't come.  I started avoiding people and answering the question "God is good" as I walked away just to not have to hear the excuse that was bound to follow.  People who should have been there... just 20 minutes of their life - and seemingly could have been if they really wanted to be.  But I'm supposed to say "Oh, no problem" so they can feel good about their decisions.

Every excuse I have to half-heartily pardon makes me feel worse, not better. Just because someone is thinking about me, doesn't mean I feel supported by them. I had less people standing on her grave with me yesterday than I have had to say "it's okay" to today. And quite honestly, at the risk of sounding like I think I am entitled to 'never-ending support' as I've been accused of (which I don't feel that way for the record), there are some things that you just do.  And if you don't do something you should have and could have, you say I'm sorry - not make me endure an excuse so you can feel better.

I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons - that's different than an excuse. But if you gave me an excuse over a reason, you know who you are... and I may say 'it's okay' because honestly, what else am I going to say? If I say anything else, I once again become the person who expects too much or isn't handling my grief well. But regardless of what I say, it is extremely painful to listen to people, who insisted they were my friends when Rachel wasn't old news and now are nowhere to be found, give me sad excuses. I'd rather just pretend it didn't happen then have to listen to what I had to listen to today.  I really wanted to just tell a few people how wrong they were, and how the same 'things' that came in their way yesterday wouldn't have stopped them two years ago when THEY were emotionally affected by her death, but there is no way that would be heard coming from me - the one who needs their support and is STILL affected by her death...  it would just sound like I'm mad that they didn't do what I want.  And so I just nodded and smiled... and tried to help them feel better about the ridiculous things they were saying.  And then I came home and cried.

But at the end of the day yesterday, before I had to listen to lame excuses all day today, I felt like things went well.  And so I'm trying to not let today take away from yesterday - because it was beautiful and I felt loved - and I felt like Rachel was loved.  I know that the people here were the ones who were supposed to be - and I'm trying not to eat all the leftover cake myself - but I won't lie and say it doesn't bother me.  It does.  And it's exactly what I was afraid of.... that it would be obvious that people are moving on.  I know that some people stand at their baby's graves all alone so I'm trying to just be thankful for the time I have had a huge circle of support - and thankful for the smaller, yet devoted, group of people who still show up now.  And really thankful for the snow, which proved just how devoted these people are to us. ♥

I am just having a hard time finding my way in this new stage of her absence, which is more lonely than ever before. I am getting better at smiling and nodding when people say stupid things for their own benefit... but it doesn't hurt any less. I'm not sure if it's better or worse... part of me thinks it's a good thing because some look at that like 'grace', but in a way, I miss the days that I could say what I was feeling because I have a few things I'd like to say to a few people right now. But honestly, if by now they haven't gotten it, they don't care as much as they claim they do anyway. And I really don't want friends who have half their heart in and half their heart out. I'd rather be alone.

We had a nice ceremony at her grave - it was only 23 degrees out and snowing - but people came and Sue D. sang two songs that I picked.  Both by Fernando Ortega.  One is "I will praise Him, still" and the other is "Give me Jesus".  I wish I could still put music on my blog because I'd love for you to listen to them, they are perfect... reminding me that HE gives me the grace to praise Him even when things are hard and life doesn't go how I want... even when people let me down, even when my child dies...HE does that for me and I'm so thankful.  The second song reminds me that she has everything she wants and needs in heaven.  Jesus is all she wants and on her birthday, that's what she has.  What more could I give her?  nothing.  And so what more can I need or want?  He is all I need.  Just give me Jesus...... you can have all this world, but give me Jesus....

We came back here and I was nervous on the way that nobody was going to come.  But we had about 10 people here.  Not nearly enough to eat a cake that can feed 44 (43 cause Matt eats big pieces) :o)  But, based on the people who TOLD ME THEY WERE COMING  and the fact that it was an open invite and some people I (apparently by mistake) expected, we needed a cake that big.  I was wrong.  But it was pretty.  Thanks, Molly!  I loved it!  We're bringing the top to her grave tomorrow to sing to her and eat 'with her'. 

We had a few people who were here that had met Rachel, including our nurse who is now a dear friend.  We had a few people I have met from my blog who have become great friends. And both of our moms were here (that's it from both of our families....)  But I was excited that they came with the roads being bad since they both had quite a drive.  I wish at least our families could make it a priority.  But that's really no different than anything we do, even for our live children, these days.

We had a really nice, intimate time reading the letters that came in about how people have been impacted by Rachel.  I also showed them the 'new endeavor' and it was received really well.  I was encouraged by the response. 

I guess the hard part is trying to make something beautiful out of something so painful.  Her birthday is also the day she died and it's hard to 'celebrate' when she died.  But I've been balancing on the tightrope of grief and joy for 2 years and 4 months now.  I wish it got less complicated with time, but it doesn't. 

So, that's how yesterday went.  I wish I could just say 'it was perfect' because I know it was - because I believe God is in control and He cares for me and my heart... but I've also become really aware that His 'perfect' and mine don't always look the same.  I just need to continue to trust His plan... His "perfect".

 

 

Matt's mom & my sister

 

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to support us.  You will never know how much that means to us, especially me.  Please pray for me tomorrow. 

No Kids Please :o(

Well, God is (yet again!) working out the details.... things are coming together.  A girl I work with is making Rachel's cake and the new endeavor is finally shaping up, with just a few more details to nail down.

At the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting myself in my last post, I need to be honest about something.... please hear my heart in this.....

I've been getting a lot of rsvp's about Rachel's party - which is awesome and really encouraging.... but I hadn't planned for the amount of kids people were going to want to bring.

Last year I did an open invite at the cemetery and a private party (with mostly just the people who met her when she was born) back here at the house.  I did this mostly as a self preservation thing, figuring that then I wouldn't be disappointed if our families couldn't make the time to come.  It was nice and very relaxing and at the end of the day I felt like I had the time I needed to focus on her with people who love her.

I had not considered what having an open invite for cake would bring... and at this point, it looks like it's bringing at least 25 kids.  I hate to say this because I LOVE kids and I don't want to deter people from coming, but I can't do that. :o(  I don't even have space in my house for that.  At the cemetery is totally fine because there is not a space issue and quiet won't be necessary.

I have a special thing planned for Rachel and it requires adult attention and I am going to be having the most emotional day of my year.  I really need a more laid back atmosphere.... and so at the risk of going back to the 'nobody showing up' fear, I need to ask that you leave your kids home.  If that is absolutely not an option, and you want to join us, contact me and we can talk about it.  I hate to sound like I'm not welcoming people who want to share this day, because my heart is completely for having anyone and everyone here to remember Rachel.... I just wonder if it will be possible to do that with a ton of kids?  And I know I won't feel good about it at the end of the day if I don't get the time I need to focus on her.... and all her life has done.  Kids aren't really interested in that..... This is more of a memorial than a run of the mill birthday party.   I'm sorry :o(

Isaiah's Surprise

Today Isaiah turns 6 years old.  Of course, he thinks he is 7 now because he started saying he was 6 after we had his (and Asa's) birthday party on the 10th - and it only makes sense that he should be going up a number since it's his birthday again.  Oh, to have no concept of time! 

So, this year was the first year that Isaiah was concerned with his birthday.  Last year I failed miserably and, thinking he wouldn't care, didn't plan him a party.  He woke up on his birthday asking when the people with the presents were coming over.  I managed to pull together a little something with my mom & sister, but I felt horrible. 

For the past 6 months or so, he's been saying he didn't want me to tell him when his birthday was coming, that he wanted it to be a surprise.  The only other thing he asked for was he wanted a shark party.  He was going around telling people he was having a shark birthday (thankfully nobody spilled the beans thinking he knew!!) with absolutely NO idea that his party was coming up.  We didn't even tell Desirae so there was no chance of her telling.

The day before the party, I was trying to get them to help me clean and I said "We're going to do something special when Mama gets out of work tomorrow!"  So that night, he was insisting he needed to know what we were doing.  Matt told him that we were going out toilet shopping because we all needed to sit on it and make sure we liked it!  (Where did he come up with that? :o)  Not sure, but it was really funny.)  They were SO upset! 

After I got out of work, I sent Matt & Isaiah out to get pizza - Isaiah crying as he walked out the door because "he wanted to do something wiwwy fun today, not toilet shop!"  I shut the door behind them, and got moving....

When they walked in the door, he was totally surprised and at one point, looked like he was going cry!  And of course, I was crying.... my sweet Isaiah....he's so beautiful.  Here is the video of his surprise: (if you get this by email, the videos don't show, you have to go to my blog directly)

The day went awesome, he had a great time, and I was blessed to know that we gave him the desires of his heart... a shark surprise party.  I think he'll always remember it.

So now, I want to tell you about Isaiah....

Isaiah came into my life and changed me.  When I just had Desirae, who was oh so well behaved, I thought that the reason she slept well at night, was healthy, talked super young, and potty trained easy was because I was a good mother and did everything 'right'.  I wasn't a believer then, but I bet if I was, I still would have taken the credit.  Lots of people do.

Then Isaiah came.  I did all the same things with him and the boy was like a wild animal nursing all day and night.  He refused to sit still from the moment he was born, legs straight out and tense. No cuddling, no down time.  He was crazy and I was exhausted.  He got to be a toddler and I thought I would die when I found out that I was pregnant with another boy....how was I going to handle two of these?!  I cried almost every day when I was pregnant with Sam because Isaiah was a maniac.  My mom referred to him as a bull in a china shop... everything he touched, he broke.  He ran off (yes, I used a leash on this boy!)  he almost fell out our 2nd story window, he ate things, peed in things... wouldn't potty train (until the week Rachel was born at 4 years old!)  And he had absolutely no interest in learning anything. 

So, does that make me a bad mother?

What I realized is that I can't take the credit for the good, anymore than I can the bad. I can try my best and that's it.  God makes them each individually different, unique and for His good purposes. And I just get the privilege of going along for the journey.  It has been an awesome journey.  I am starting to finally see the amazing young man in my Isaiah.  He is just like his Daddy - and I mean JUST like him....

He is the first to notice if I'm sad.  Always ready to give me a hug and remind me to trust our God.  He carries heavy things for me.  He helps me around the house.  He always talks about Rachel...he tells everyone we talk to that we have TWO other babies, Rachel and the 'other baby we lost'.  He cares about people - not just because he can get something... in fact, he's usually the first to give things away.  He is protective over his family and he is a peace maker.  If he thinks Matt is irritating me on purpose, he'll say "Daddy, you should stop that"  or if I snap at Matt he'll say "Mama, you should say you're sorry".  When he was little and people would call Samuel "Sam", he would correct them... "HIS name is SAMUEL".  He is absolutely a bull in a china shop, breaking things left and right without meaning to - he really doesn't know his own strength and he is STRONG... but he also has the sweetest, most gentle spirit I have seen in a young boy.  And it's not my fault... God made him that way.  I just get to come along for the journey..... and I love every second of it. 

The day he was born I said to Matt "I just know he's going to be a godly man".  I have not felt that way about the other two boys, although I pray it's true for them too, but in Isaiah, I can see it.  This boy is going to make his mama proud.  He already does.

 

 

 

 Happy Birthday Isaiah.  I love you more than you'll ever know.

Birthday Wishes

A week from today we will be having Rachel's 2nd birthday party.

This week is hard for me.  I remember our last week together.  How I soaked in every dance move and tried to tell her everything I would want her to know while I could.  I remember packing my hospital bag, and hers.  Her memory box and her car seat, not knowing which one I'd need.  I remember the physical pain some, but more than that, I remember the emotional and mental pain.  Anguish. 

This week, between Thanksgiving and her birthday, belong to her in my heart.  I remember writing a post "My heart is in November" and talking about how I couldn't take down my November calendar, even though it was months later, because it has her written all over it.  I remember decorating her vault on Thanksgiving Day after we cleared the table.  It's hard to believe all that we've endured and that we somehow have come out stronger.  I'm thankful that losing her hasn't destroyed us - me, our marriage, our family.  God has been faithful to protect what He joined together - sometimes despite ourselves.

This past week, every.single.thing I am trying to do for her day has gone wrong.  This new endeavor I'm working on for her legacy has been loaded with one unforeseen problem after another. The guy that was going to make her cake told me a couple days ago, he can't.  I have only received a handful of rsvp's from her invite - and only one of those said they were coming for cake.  I'm now hearing it's going to snow this week.  It's been in the 50's and warm... why now?  Can't it wait a week?  And her puzzle is 34 pieces away from complete....7 days to go.  Um, 5 pieces a day?  maybe, but probably not.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is how my life usually works... and try not to lose sight of the big picture over these small things.... even though they feel anything but small.  I try to remember that last year, I had no idea what to expect for people or snow and it was beautiful and more than I expected.

I try to remind myself that God has yet to let me down.  And I know He hasn't forgotten me.

But in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, I'm scared to death that her party is going to be evidence of all the people who have moved on.  I think last year is going to be hard to compare to.  I'm already feeling it - people who used to read my blog regularly have been surprised when I mention her birthday, telling me they didn't see her invite...or the puzzle pieces... or the updates of the puzzle.  And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I just change the subject instead of asking if they are coming or want to buy a piece....

And what does she care anyway?  Not like she is going to be crying over nobody showing up for her party.  She won't know if she doesn't have a cake.  She won't care if her puzzle isn't done.  She will be completely unaware if people have forgotten and moved on.

I wish I could say the same for me.  But I'm really glad for her. 

And then again, what one year old has 50 people show up for her party?  She did.  I'm just having a hard time with the idea that one day the people who used to gather around, won't.  And I'm nervous that is going to happen before I'm ready.  Or maybe I'll never be ready.

And this brings me back to trusting in God to take care of my heart.  Because so far, every time I've doubted, He has provided in ways I wasn't expecting that have left me ashamed for doubting in the first place.  Pray for me please.

Thankful for Rachel's Impact

The letters about how Rachel's life has impacted others have started coming in....  and I have been crying like a baby reading them.

I still can't believe how far and in how many different ways her life has changed the world.

She made this world a better place.

So, for the people who think that 'those babies' are 'better off not being alive' because they 'may have a poor quality of life'.....  If I wasn't sure you were wrong before, I am now.

My little girl is still changing the world.  Still making people love deeper, give of themselves more freely, and remind them of God's love in the most difficult of times. 

I'm so thankful I get to be a part of His plan.  I don't regret one second of my journey with my sweet Rachel.... my little imperfect, 'poor quality of life', 'incompatible with life', 'still changing my life' little girl. 

August 4, 2010 rocked my world.
December 3, 2010 gave me a piece of my world and took it away in the same hour.

Today and everyday, I Thank God for these past two years...  because as hard and ugly as they have been, I've never in my entire life experienced anything as stunningly beautiful and worth living for than this journey.  I have been through the Refiner's Fire and I could never go back - and I wouldn't want to.

Rachel Alice Aube, I'm so thankful that you were mine for a while and I love you exactly how you were - and are.  Mama will be home someday pretty girl.

To everyone who has been sending notes along, thank you.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be learning of all the ways my journey with Rachel has changed people.... so many things that I am unaware of on a daily basis.  Reading different things, from different people, different ages, different family situations, from different states has shown me again how many seeds of hope my little girl has scattered.   I so needed this encouragement right now and I am humbled that I get to share a piece of your lives with you.  Thank you for following along with me & my girl.  Thank you.

17 Days to Go, So Much to Do

I've been so busy...  and my heart still finds time to hurt.  I've heard many people talk about how it's unhealthy to dive into projects and 'avoid my feelings'.  Ironically, they are usually the same people who think grief ends fairly quickly if you're doing things right. And I've never actually felt any of my pain lift from being active in Rachel's Legacy.  I've learned I will never win the acceptance of everyone and so I do what my heart needs and don't over analyze it.  Whether that means I jump into big project after big project in Rachel's memory or want to stay home when others think getting out would be more healthy... or godly... or whatever....  I've never found forcing myself to socialize any more helpful than I have found doing things to bless others in Rachel's memory harmful.  I know people make these judgements because they want me to be 'better' and if they have a solution, they feel less helpless.  I've learned it's okay to be helpless.... it reminds us how much we need God.  Be helpless with me, it's okay - and I'd venture to say, even 'better'!

I am who I am and I do what I do...  guided by God, inspired by Rachel... with a daughter's desire for the approval of my Father in heaven and a mother's heart to love my child.  I've never been good at faking anything - what you see is what you get. 

So, fear not when I tell you that I am (have been!!) diving into another big project.... but it's top secret, so I can't tell you.  I do, however, desperately need your prayers.  I am working against the clock to get it going by her birthday.  And her birthday approaching has me very emotional already.  I hate that she's gone no less than I did 2 years ago.

On a lighter note, I have the update for her birthday puzzle!  17 days and 44 pieces to go!  Please join us in rebuilding her puzzle!!  You can purchase your piece(s) by using the donate button on the right side of my blog (specify if you want them in memory of someone in the comment area of Paypal) or by sending a check to

Baby Rachel's Legacy
PO Box 454
Rochester NH 03866-0454

(In case you are wondering what this is all about, the puzzle piece fundraiser is to raise money to pay for our 501c3 application that we need for Baby Rachel's Legacy Non-Profit Organization.) 

Please also remember my request to send along a note of how Rachel affected your (or someone you know) life.... I've been checking the PO box almost every day and it's always empty :o(  no pressure :o)  I'd love to read them at her birthday - not only is it good for my heart, but it gives us something to do.  A birthday party without the birthday girl can be hard.  If it's easier, you can email it or message me on facebook.  Thanks ♥  Last year we asked people to share, but without prior time to think about it, nobody did.  I thought this would work better.

Here is the update for the puzzle!!  We're over half way now!

Week One:

1. Jason Corbett ♥
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon ♥
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One' ♥
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden

Week Two:

17. Hope McKeen ♥
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel") ♥
21. Baby String ♥
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale

Week Three:

24. "A friend"
25. "A friend"
26. In memory of Jordan, Christian & Hayden ♥ ♥ ♥
27. "A friend"
28. "A friend"
29. "A friend"
30. "A friend"
31. "A friend"
32. "A friend"
33. "A friend"
34. "A friend"
35. Anne Alix
36. Chris Alix
37. Isabelle Alix
38. Rose J. Alix ♥
39. Matthew Alix
40. Derrick Marsh
41. Erin Thompson
42. Karla Dillon

43. Rachel Alice Aube ♥

44. Scott Dillon
45. Caroline Dillon
46. Cameron Dillon

Week Four:

47. Frank & Chris Napolitano
48. Jim & Alyssa Hermonal
49. Emilie Sargent
50. Andrew Sargent
51. Jonathan Sargent
52. Lauren Sargent
53. Lucas Sargent
54. Alicia Capello
55. Alicia Capello
56. Elias Barnes ♥
57. Nancy Schuck
58. The Hampton Girls (in memory of Rachel) ♥
59. Jill Hampton (in memory of Corey Hampton)
60. Abi Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
61. Ali Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
62. John & Terri Trepanier
63. John & Terri Trepanier
64. Andrew & Christina Trepanier
65. Michael Trepanier & Christina Gray


These donations have been made from all over... NH, CA, OH, ME, NJ and even Austrailia and New Zealand! The ♥'s represent pieces purchased in memory of babies.  Thank you all so so much!

Rachel Alice, you are so loved. 

One Year With Asa

A year ago today, we welcome our sweet baby Asa into our arms.  He had been in our hearts much longer, but that was the day I finally held my breathing, pink, live baby boy with a nice round head.

On that day, a new level of grief struck me.  The would-have-beens illuminated.  The emotions of all taken from me magnified.  And as I sat in that hospital room just down the hall from the one I had to let Rachel leave me in, I thanked God like I've never thanked Him before and hurt like I had never hurt before - just like with Asa's big sister 11 months earlier.  Grief and joy.  Happiness and sadness.  love and pain.  A desire to protect like an animal in the wild.  I was Mama.  I am Mama.  I will always be Mama.  And they will always be my children.

I sit here a year later and I know things I didn't know before.  I know that your arms can feel full and empty at the same time.  I know you can see firsts and remember lasts in the same instance.  I know that I was naive to how complicated it would all be.  And I know I wouldn't change a thing.

I have been blessed every minute of the past year as I have had the gift of watching this little boy grow.  I have smiled each and every time I am given the opportunity to care for him - even at 2 am. I see it as a gift, not an inconvenience or sacrifice to wake with a live baby who needs me.  I give of myself joyfully like I never have before.  Rachel stripped so much of my selfishness away.  Every embrace I give him means more than meets-the-eye.  Every kiss I place on his soft, warm face screams to my heart "he's alive!"  and every time he cries and I don't know what to do for him, I'm reminded of how sometimes that is how I am before God... a little child with a pain I can't describe, but even when He does nothing, it's not because He doesn't care.  He is holding me every step of the way and has nothing but the deepest desire to care for me.  Sometimes I wiggle from His arms when I need Him most.

As I write this, Asa just ran up to me, grabbed onto my leg and whined "maaamaaaa".  I picked him up and my tears just flowed like they did the day he was born.  I just sobbed like a baby as I squeezed him tight, thanking God over and over..... thank You God, thank You God....  thank You God.

We had a party on Saturday for Asa's 1st and Isaiah's 6th (which is coming up).  It was a surprise per Isaiah's request - but I'll share about that on his birthday, along with the video of him walking in :o)  It was so cute.  I didn't plan it on 11/10 on purpose, but noticed when I looked at pictures after that the number looked familiar... it was the time Rachel went to be with the Lord.  11:10am.

We did sharks for Isaiah and fish for Asa (so they went together) and I chose the "Rainbow Fish" for his cake...  after all, he is my rainbow baby - reminding me that even in the midst of a dark, heavy storm.... there are still so many vibrant colors. (he gets that from Rachel ♥)  He has never served as a replacement for her, or negated the fact that the storm was very real and still very active - but he sure has brought me joy in God's promise.  A promise of hope, redemption, provision, and healing.  He didn't do these things for me, God has used him in that process - one that will continue for the rest of my life as I mother these amazing children, knowing a piece of me is in heaven.  Keeping me focused on an eternal future, while giving me so much to live for here. 

 

 

Here's my take on Asa and his birthday cake...  I'm pretty sure in this picture, he's thinking...

 

"Ohhh, I think they've finally completely lost their minds"

 

"OK, let me at this thing... I know how to do this."

 

 

"Praise the Lord for making such yummy things and the taste buds that taste them! I love being one -I wish every day was my birthday !"  (he was really trying to share with Mama :o)  I feel so very honored he would want to share his cake ♥ )

 

Happy Birthday Asa Francisco.  We love you so very much and thank God for every minute with you.   Now I'm gonna go snuggle with you and love on you!!  So happy I can call you mine.