Well, God is (yet again!) working out the details.... things are coming together. A girl I work with is making Rachel's cake and the new endeavor is finally shaping up, with just a few more details to nail down.
At the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting myself in my last post, I need to be honest about something.... please hear my heart in this.....
I've been getting a lot of rsvp's about Rachel's party - which is awesome and really encouraging.... but I hadn't planned for the amount of kids people were going to want to bring.
Last year I did an open invite at the cemetery and a private party (with mostly just the people who met her when she was born) back here at the house. I did this mostly as a self preservation thing, figuring that then I wouldn't be disappointed if our families couldn't make the time to come. It was nice and very relaxing and at the end of the day I felt like I had the time I needed to focus on her with people who love her.
I had not considered what having an open invite for cake would bring... and at this point, it looks like it's bringing at least 25 kids. I hate to say this because I LOVE kids and I don't want to deter people from coming, but I can't do that. :o( I don't even have space in my house for that. At the cemetery is totally fine because there is not a space issue and quiet won't be necessary.
I have a special thing planned for Rachel and it requires adult attention and I am going to be having the most emotional day of my year. I really need a more laid back atmosphere.... and so at the risk of going back to the 'nobody showing up' fear, I need to ask that you leave your kids home. If that is absolutely not an option, and you want to join us, contact me and we can talk about it. I hate to sound like I'm not welcoming people who want to share this day, because my heart is completely for having anyone and everyone here to remember Rachel.... I just wonder if it will be possible to do that with a ton of kids? And I know I won't feel good about it at the end of the day if I don't get the time I need to focus on her.... and all her life has done. Kids aren't really interested in that..... This is more of a memorial than a run of the mill birthday party. I'm sorry :o(
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Isaiah's Surprise
Today Isaiah turns 6 years old. Of course, he thinks he is 7 now because he started saying he was 6 after we had his (and Asa's) birthday party on the 10th - and it only makes sense that he should be going up a number since it's his birthday again. Oh, to have no concept of time!
So, this year was the first year that Isaiah was concerned with his birthday. Last year I failed miserably and, thinking he wouldn't care, didn't plan him a party. He woke up on his birthday asking when the people with the presents were coming over. I managed to pull together a little something with my mom & sister, but I felt horrible.
For the past 6 months or so, he's been saying he didn't want me to tell him when his birthday was coming, that he wanted it to be a surprise. The only other thing he asked for was he wanted a shark party. He was going around telling people he was having a shark birthday (thankfully nobody spilled the beans thinking he knew!!) with absolutely NO idea that his party was coming up. We didn't even tell Desirae so there was no chance of her telling.
The day before the party, I was trying to get them to help me clean and I said "We're going to do something special when Mama gets out of work tomorrow!" So that night, he was insisting he needed to know what we were doing. Matt told him that we were going out toilet shopping because we all needed to sit on it and make sure we liked it! (Where did he come up with that? :o) Not sure, but it was really funny.) They were SO upset!
After I got out of work, I sent Matt & Isaiah out to get pizza - Isaiah crying as he walked out the door because "he wanted to do something wiwwy fun today, not toilet shop!" I shut the door behind them, and got moving....
When they walked in the door, he was totally surprised and at one point, looked like he was going cry! And of course, I was crying.... my sweet Isaiah....he's so beautiful. Here is the video of his surprise: (if you get this by email, the videos don't show, you have to go to my blog directly)
The day went awesome, he had a great time, and I was blessed to know that we gave him the desires of his heart... a shark surprise party. I think he'll always remember it.
So now, I want to tell you about Isaiah....
Isaiah came into my life and changed me. When I just had Desirae, who was oh so well behaved, I thought that the reason she slept well at night, was healthy, talked super young, and potty trained easy was because I was a good mother and did everything 'right'. I wasn't a believer then, but I bet if I was, I still would have taken the credit. Lots of people do.
Then Isaiah came. I did all the same things with him and the boy was like a wild animal nursing all day and night. He refused to sit still from the moment he was born, legs straight out and tense. No cuddling, no down time. He was crazy and I was exhausted. He got to be a toddler and I thought I would die when I found out that I was pregnant with another boy....how was I going to handle two of these?! I cried almost every day when I was pregnant with Sam because Isaiah was a maniac. My mom referred to him as a bull in a china shop... everything he touched, he broke. He ran off (yes, I used a leash on this boy!) he almost fell out our 2nd story window, he ate things, peed in things... wouldn't potty train (until the week Rachel was born at 4 years old!) And he had absolutely no interest in learning anything.
So, does that make me a bad mother?
What I realized is that I can't take the credit for the good, anymore than I can the bad. I can try my best and that's it. God makes them each individually different, unique and for His good purposes. And I just get the privilege of going along for the journey. It has been an awesome journey. I am starting to finally see the amazing young man in my Isaiah. He is just like his Daddy - and I mean JUST like him....
He is the first to notice if I'm sad. Always ready to give me a hug and remind me to trust our God. He carries heavy things for me. He helps me around the house. He always talks about Rachel...he tells everyone we talk to that we have TWO other babies, Rachel and the 'other baby we lost'. He cares about people - not just because he can get something... in fact, he's usually the first to give things away. He is protective over his family and he is a peace maker. If he thinks Matt is irritating me on purpose, he'll say "Daddy, you should stop that" or if I snap at Matt he'll say "Mama, you should say you're sorry". When he was little and people would call Samuel "Sam", he would correct them... "HIS name is SAMUEL". He is absolutely a bull in a china shop, breaking things left and right without meaning to - he really doesn't know his own strength and he is STRONG... but he also has the sweetest, most gentle spirit I have seen in a young boy. And it's not my fault... God made him that way. I just get to come along for the journey..... and I love every second of it.
The day he was born I said to Matt "I just know he's going to be a godly man". I have not felt that way about the other two boys, although I pray it's true for them too, but in Isaiah, I can see it. This boy is going to make his mama proud. He already does.
So, this year was the first year that Isaiah was concerned with his birthday. Last year I failed miserably and, thinking he wouldn't care, didn't plan him a party. He woke up on his birthday asking when the people with the presents were coming over. I managed to pull together a little something with my mom & sister, but I felt horrible.
For the past 6 months or so, he's been saying he didn't want me to tell him when his birthday was coming, that he wanted it to be a surprise. The only other thing he asked for was he wanted a shark party. He was going around telling people he was having a shark birthday (thankfully nobody spilled the beans thinking he knew!!) with absolutely NO idea that his party was coming up. We didn't even tell Desirae so there was no chance of her telling.
The day before the party, I was trying to get them to help me clean and I said "We're going to do something special when Mama gets out of work tomorrow!" So that night, he was insisting he needed to know what we were doing. Matt told him that we were going out toilet shopping because we all needed to sit on it and make sure we liked it! (Where did he come up with that? :o) Not sure, but it was really funny.) They were SO upset!
After I got out of work, I sent Matt & Isaiah out to get pizza - Isaiah crying as he walked out the door because "he wanted to do something wiwwy fun today, not toilet shop!" I shut the door behind them, and got moving....
When they walked in the door, he was totally surprised and at one point, looked like he was going cry! And of course, I was crying.... my sweet Isaiah....he's so beautiful. Here is the video of his surprise: (if you get this by email, the videos don't show, you have to go to my blog directly)
The day went awesome, he had a great time, and I was blessed to know that we gave him the desires of his heart... a shark surprise party. I think he'll always remember it.
So now, I want to tell you about Isaiah....
Isaiah came into my life and changed me. When I just had Desirae, who was oh so well behaved, I thought that the reason she slept well at night, was healthy, talked super young, and potty trained easy was because I was a good mother and did everything 'right'. I wasn't a believer then, but I bet if I was, I still would have taken the credit. Lots of people do.
Then Isaiah came. I did all the same things with him and the boy was like a wild animal nursing all day and night. He refused to sit still from the moment he was born, legs straight out and tense. No cuddling, no down time. He was crazy and I was exhausted. He got to be a toddler and I thought I would die when I found out that I was pregnant with another boy....how was I going to handle two of these?! I cried almost every day when I was pregnant with Sam because Isaiah was a maniac. My mom referred to him as a bull in a china shop... everything he touched, he broke. He ran off (yes, I used a leash on this boy!) he almost fell out our 2nd story window, he ate things, peed in things... wouldn't potty train (until the week Rachel was born at 4 years old!) And he had absolutely no interest in learning anything.
So, does that make me a bad mother?
What I realized is that I can't take the credit for the good, anymore than I can the bad. I can try my best and that's it. God makes them each individually different, unique and for His good purposes. And I just get the privilege of going along for the journey. It has been an awesome journey. I am starting to finally see the amazing young man in my Isaiah. He is just like his Daddy - and I mean JUST like him....
He is the first to notice if I'm sad. Always ready to give me a hug and remind me to trust our God. He carries heavy things for me. He helps me around the house. He always talks about Rachel...he tells everyone we talk to that we have TWO other babies, Rachel and the 'other baby we lost'. He cares about people - not just because he can get something... in fact, he's usually the first to give things away. He is protective over his family and he is a peace maker. If he thinks Matt is irritating me on purpose, he'll say "Daddy, you should stop that" or if I snap at Matt he'll say "Mama, you should say you're sorry". When he was little and people would call Samuel "Sam", he would correct them... "HIS name is SAMUEL". He is absolutely a bull in a china shop, breaking things left and right without meaning to - he really doesn't know his own strength and he is STRONG... but he also has the sweetest, most gentle spirit I have seen in a young boy. And it's not my fault... God made him that way. I just get to come along for the journey..... and I love every second of it.
The day he was born I said to Matt "I just know he's going to be a godly man". I have not felt that way about the other two boys, although I pray it's true for them too, but in Isaiah, I can see it. This boy is going to make his mama proud. He already does.
Happy Birthday Isaiah. I love you more than you'll ever know.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Birthday Wishes
A week from today we will be having Rachel's 2nd birthday party.
This week is hard for me. I remember our last week together. How I soaked in every dance move and tried to tell her everything I would want her to know while I could. I remember packing my hospital bag, and hers. Her memory box and her car seat, not knowing which one I'd need. I remember the physical pain some, but more than that, I remember the emotional and mental pain. Anguish.
This week, between Thanksgiving and her birthday, belong to her in my heart. I remember writing a post "My heart is in November" and talking about how I couldn't take down my November calendar, even though it was months later, because it has her written all over it. I remember decorating her vault on Thanksgiving Day after we cleared the table. It's hard to believe all that we've endured and that we somehow have come out stronger. I'm thankful that losing her hasn't destroyed us - me, our marriage, our family. God has been faithful to protect what He joined together - sometimes despite ourselves.
This past week, every.single.thing I am trying to do for her day has gone wrong. This new endeavor I'm working on for her legacy has been loaded with one unforeseen problem after another. The guy that was going to make her cake told me a couple days ago, he can't. I have only received a handful of rsvp's from her invite - and only one of those said they were coming for cake. I'm now hearing it's going to snow this week. It's been in the 50's and warm... why now? Can't it wait a week? And her puzzle is 34 pieces away from complete....7 days to go. Um, 5 pieces a day? maybe, but probably not.
I'm trying to remind myself that this is how my life usually works... and try not to lose sight of the big picture over these small things.... even though they feel anything but small. I try to remember that last year, I had no idea what to expect for people or snow and it was beautiful and more than I expected.
I try to remind myself that God has yet to let me down. And I know He hasn't forgotten me.
But in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, I'm scared to death that her party is going to be evidence of all the people who have moved on. I think last year is going to be hard to compare to. I'm already feeling it - people who used to read my blog regularly have been surprised when I mention her birthday, telling me they didn't see her invite...or the puzzle pieces... or the updates of the puzzle. And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I just change the subject instead of asking if they are coming or want to buy a piece....
And what does she care anyway? Not like she is going to be crying over nobody showing up for her party. She won't know if she doesn't have a cake. She won't care if her puzzle isn't done. She will be completely unaware if people have forgotten and moved on.
I wish I could say the same for me. But I'm really glad for her.
And then again, what one year old has 50 people show up for her party? She did. I'm just having a hard time with the idea that one day the people who used to gather around, won't. And I'm nervous that is going to happen before I'm ready. Or maybe I'll never be ready.
And this brings me back to trusting in God to take care of my heart. Because so far, every time I've doubted, He has provided in ways I wasn't expecting that have left me ashamed for doubting in the first place. Pray for me please.
This week is hard for me. I remember our last week together. How I soaked in every dance move and tried to tell her everything I would want her to know while I could. I remember packing my hospital bag, and hers. Her memory box and her car seat, not knowing which one I'd need. I remember the physical pain some, but more than that, I remember the emotional and mental pain. Anguish.
This week, between Thanksgiving and her birthday, belong to her in my heart. I remember writing a post "My heart is in November" and talking about how I couldn't take down my November calendar, even though it was months later, because it has her written all over it. I remember decorating her vault on Thanksgiving Day after we cleared the table. It's hard to believe all that we've endured and that we somehow have come out stronger. I'm thankful that losing her hasn't destroyed us - me, our marriage, our family. God has been faithful to protect what He joined together - sometimes despite ourselves.
This past week, every.single.thing I am trying to do for her day has gone wrong. This new endeavor I'm working on for her legacy has been loaded with one unforeseen problem after another. The guy that was going to make her cake told me a couple days ago, he can't. I have only received a handful of rsvp's from her invite - and only one of those said they were coming for cake. I'm now hearing it's going to snow this week. It's been in the 50's and warm... why now? Can't it wait a week? And her puzzle is 34 pieces away from complete....7 days to go. Um, 5 pieces a day? maybe, but probably not.
I'm trying to remind myself that this is how my life usually works... and try not to lose sight of the big picture over these small things.... even though they feel anything but small. I try to remember that last year, I had no idea what to expect for people or snow and it was beautiful and more than I expected.
I try to remind myself that God has yet to let me down. And I know He hasn't forgotten me.
But in the back of my mind, and deep in my heart, I'm scared to death that her party is going to be evidence of all the people who have moved on. I think last year is going to be hard to compare to. I'm already feeling it - people who used to read my blog regularly have been surprised when I mention her birthday, telling me they didn't see her invite...or the puzzle pieces... or the updates of the puzzle. And I hate making people feel uncomfortable so I just change the subject instead of asking if they are coming or want to buy a piece....
And what does she care anyway? Not like she is going to be crying over nobody showing up for her party. She won't know if she doesn't have a cake. She won't care if her puzzle isn't done. She will be completely unaware if people have forgotten and moved on.
I wish I could say the same for me. But I'm really glad for her.
And then again, what one year old has 50 people show up for her party? She did. I'm just having a hard time with the idea that one day the people who used to gather around, won't. And I'm nervous that is going to happen before I'm ready. Or maybe I'll never be ready.
And this brings me back to trusting in God to take care of my heart. Because so far, every time I've doubted, He has provided in ways I wasn't expecting that have left me ashamed for doubting in the first place. Pray for me please.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thankful for Rachel's Impact
The letters about how Rachel's life has impacted others have started coming in.... and I have been crying like a baby reading them.
I still can't believe how far and in how many different ways her life has changed the world.
She made this world a better place.
So, for the people who think that 'those babies' are 'better off not being alive' because they 'may have a poor quality of life'..... If I wasn't sure you were wrong before, I am now.
My little girl is still changing the world. Still making people love deeper, give of themselves more freely, and remind them of God's love in the most difficult of times.
I'm so thankful I get to be a part of His plan. I don't regret one second of my journey with my sweet Rachel.... my little imperfect, 'poor quality of life', 'incompatible with life', 'still changing my life' little girl.
August 4, 2010 rocked my world.
December 3, 2010 gave me a piece of my world and took it away in the same hour.
Today and everyday, I Thank God for these past two years... because as hard and ugly as they have been, I've never in my entire life experienced anything as stunningly beautiful and worth living for than this journey. I have been through the Refiner's Fire and I could never go back - and I wouldn't want to.
Rachel Alice Aube, I'm so thankful that you were mine for a while and I love you exactly how you were - and are. Mama will be home someday pretty girl.
To everyone who has been sending notes along, thank you. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be learning of all the ways my journey with Rachel has changed people.... so many things that I am unaware of on a daily basis. Reading different things, from different people, different ages, different family situations, from different states has shown me again how many seeds of hope my little girl has scattered. I so needed this encouragement right now and I am humbled that I get to share a piece of your lives with you. Thank you for following along with me & my girl. Thank you.
I still can't believe how far and in how many different ways her life has changed the world.
She made this world a better place.
So, for the people who think that 'those babies' are 'better off not being alive' because they 'may have a poor quality of life'..... If I wasn't sure you were wrong before, I am now.
My little girl is still changing the world. Still making people love deeper, give of themselves more freely, and remind them of God's love in the most difficult of times.
I'm so thankful I get to be a part of His plan. I don't regret one second of my journey with my sweet Rachel.... my little imperfect, 'poor quality of life', 'incompatible with life', 'still changing my life' little girl.
August 4, 2010 rocked my world.
December 3, 2010 gave me a piece of my world and took it away in the same hour.
Today and everyday, I Thank God for these past two years... because as hard and ugly as they have been, I've never in my entire life experienced anything as stunningly beautiful and worth living for than this journey. I have been through the Refiner's Fire and I could never go back - and I wouldn't want to.
Rachel Alice Aube, I'm so thankful that you were mine for a while and I love you exactly how you were - and are. Mama will be home someday pretty girl.
To everyone who has been sending notes along, thank you. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be learning of all the ways my journey with Rachel has changed people.... so many things that I am unaware of on a daily basis. Reading different things, from different people, different ages, different family situations, from different states has shown me again how many seeds of hope my little girl has scattered. I so needed this encouragement right now and I am humbled that I get to share a piece of your lives with you. Thank you for following along with me & my girl. Thank you.
Friday, November 16, 2012
17 Days to Go, So Much to Do
I've been so busy... and my heart still finds time to hurt. I've heard many people talk about how it's unhealthy to dive into projects and 'avoid my feelings'. Ironically, they are usually the same people who think grief ends fairly quickly if you're doing things right. And I've never actually felt any of my pain lift from being active in Rachel's Legacy. I've learned I will never win the acceptance of everyone and so I do what my heart needs and don't over analyze it. Whether that means I jump into big project after big project in Rachel's memory or want to stay home when others think getting out would be more healthy... or godly... or whatever.... I've never found forcing myself to socialize any more helpful than I have found doing things to bless others in Rachel's memory harmful. I know people make these judgements because they want me to be 'better' and if they have a solution, they feel less helpless. I've learned it's okay to be helpless.... it reminds us how much we need God. Be helpless with me, it's okay - and I'd venture to say, even 'better'!
I am who I am and I do what I do... guided by God, inspired by Rachel... with a daughter's desire for the approval of my Father in heaven and a mother's heart to love my child. I've never been good at faking anything - what you see is what you get.
So, fear not when I tell you that I am (have been!!) diving into another big project.... but it's top secret, so I can't tell you. I do, however, desperately need your prayers. I am working against the clock to get it going by her birthday. And her birthday approaching has me very emotional already. I hate that she's gone no less than I did 2 years ago.
On a lighter note, I have the update for her birthday puzzle! 17 days and 44 pieces to go! Please join us in rebuilding her puzzle!! You can purchase your piece(s) by using the donate button on the right side of my blog (specify if you want them in memory of someone in the comment area of Paypal) or by sending a check to
Baby Rachel's Legacy
PO Box 454
Rochester NH 03866-0454
(In case you are wondering what this is all about, the puzzle piece fundraiser is to raise money to pay for our 501c3 application that we need for Baby Rachel's Legacy Non-Profit Organization.)
Please also remember my request to send along a note of how Rachel affected your (or someone you know) life.... I've been checking the PO box almost every day and it's always empty :o( no pressure :o) I'd love to read them at her birthday - not only is it good for my heart, but it gives us something to do. A birthday party without the birthday girl can be hard. If it's easier, you can email it or message me on facebook. Thanks ♥ Last year we asked people to share, but without prior time to think about it, nobody did. I thought this would work better.
Here is the update for the puzzle!! We're over half way now!
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett ♥
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon ♥
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One' ♥
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen ♥
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel") ♥
21. Baby String ♥
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
Week Three:
24. "A friend"
25. "A friend"
26. In memory of Jordan, Christian & Hayden ♥ ♥ ♥
27. "A friend"
28. "A friend"
29. "A friend"
30. "A friend"
31. "A friend"
32. "A friend"
33. "A friend"
34. "A friend"
35. Anne Alix
36. Chris Alix
37. Isabelle Alix
38. Rose J. Alix ♥
39. Matthew Alix
40. Derrick Marsh
41. Erin Thompson
42. Karla Dillon
43. Rachel Alice Aube ♥
44. Scott Dillon
45. Caroline Dillon
46. Cameron Dillon
Week Four:
47. Frank & Chris Napolitano
48. Jim & Alyssa Hermonal
49. Emilie Sargent
50. Andrew Sargent
51. Jonathan Sargent
52. Lauren Sargent
53. Lucas Sargent
54. Alicia Capello
55. Alicia Capello
56. Elias Barnes ♥
57. Nancy Schuck
58. The Hampton Girls (in memory of Rachel) ♥
59. Jill Hampton (in memory of Corey Hampton)
60. Abi Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
61. Ali Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
62. John & Terri Trepanier
63. John & Terri Trepanier
64. Andrew & Christina Trepanier
65. Michael Trepanier & Christina Gray
These donations have been made from all over... NH, CA, OH, ME, NJ and even Austrailia and New Zealand! The ♥'s represent pieces purchased in memory of babies. Thank you all so so much!
Rachel Alice, you are so loved.
I am who I am and I do what I do... guided by God, inspired by Rachel... with a daughter's desire for the approval of my Father in heaven and a mother's heart to love my child. I've never been good at faking anything - what you see is what you get.
So, fear not when I tell you that I am (have been!!) diving into another big project.... but it's top secret, so I can't tell you. I do, however, desperately need your prayers. I am working against the clock to get it going by her birthday. And her birthday approaching has me very emotional already. I hate that she's gone no less than I did 2 years ago.
On a lighter note, I have the update for her birthday puzzle! 17 days and 44 pieces to go! Please join us in rebuilding her puzzle!! You can purchase your piece(s) by using the donate button on the right side of my blog (specify if you want them in memory of someone in the comment area of Paypal) or by sending a check to
Baby Rachel's Legacy
PO Box 454
Rochester NH 03866-0454
(In case you are wondering what this is all about, the puzzle piece fundraiser is to raise money to pay for our 501c3 application that we need for Baby Rachel's Legacy Non-Profit Organization.)
Please also remember my request to send along a note of how Rachel affected your (or someone you know) life.... I've been checking the PO box almost every day and it's always empty :o( no pressure :o) I'd love to read them at her birthday - not only is it good for my heart, but it gives us something to do. A birthday party without the birthday girl can be hard. If it's easier, you can email it or message me on facebook. Thanks ♥ Last year we asked people to share, but without prior time to think about it, nobody did. I thought this would work better.
Here is the update for the puzzle!! We're over half way now!
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett ♥
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon ♥
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One' ♥
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen ♥
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel") ♥
21. Baby String ♥
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
Week Three:
24. "A friend"
25. "A friend"
26. In memory of Jordan, Christian & Hayden ♥ ♥ ♥
27. "A friend"
28. "A friend"
29. "A friend"
30. "A friend"
31. "A friend"
32. "A friend"
33. "A friend"
34. "A friend"
35. Anne Alix
36. Chris Alix
37. Isabelle Alix
38. Rose J. Alix ♥
39. Matthew Alix
40. Derrick Marsh
41. Erin Thompson
42. Karla Dillon
43. Rachel Alice Aube ♥
44. Scott Dillon
45. Caroline Dillon
46. Cameron Dillon
Week Four:
47. Frank & Chris Napolitano
48. Jim & Alyssa Hermonal
49. Emilie Sargent
50. Andrew Sargent
51. Jonathan Sargent
52. Lauren Sargent
53. Lucas Sargent
54. Alicia Capello
55. Alicia Capello
56. Elias Barnes ♥
57. Nancy Schuck
58. The Hampton Girls (in memory of Rachel) ♥
59. Jill Hampton (in memory of Corey Hampton)
60. Abi Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
61. Ali Hampton (in memory of her Daddy, Corey Hampton)
62. John & Terri Trepanier
63. John & Terri Trepanier
64. Andrew & Christina Trepanier
65. Michael Trepanier & Christina Gray
These donations have been made from all over... NH, CA, OH, ME, NJ and even Austrailia and New Zealand! The ♥'s represent pieces purchased in memory of babies. Thank you all so so much!
Rachel Alice, you are so loved.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
One Year With Asa
A year ago today, we welcome our sweet baby Asa into our arms. He had been in our hearts much longer, but that was the day I finally held my breathing, pink, live baby boy with a nice round head.
On that day, a new level of grief struck me. The would-have-beens illuminated. The emotions of all taken from me magnified. And as I sat in that hospital room just down the hall from the one I had to let Rachel leave me in, I thanked God like I've never thanked Him before and hurt like I had never hurt before - just like with Asa's big sister 11 months earlier. Grief and joy. Happiness and sadness. love and pain. A desire to protect like an animal in the wild. I was Mama. I am Mama. I will always be Mama. And they will always be my children.
I sit here a year later and I know things I didn't know before. I know that your arms can feel full and empty at the same time. I know you can see firsts and remember lasts in the same instance. I know that I was naive to how complicated it would all be. And I know I wouldn't change a thing.
I have been blessed every minute of the past year as I have had the gift of watching this little boy grow. I have smiled each and every time I am given the opportunity to care for him - even at 2 am. I see it as a gift, not an inconvenience or sacrifice to wake with a live baby who needs me. I give of myself joyfully like I never have before. Rachel stripped so much of my selfishness away. Every embrace I give him means more than meets-the-eye. Every kiss I place on his soft, warm face screams to my heart "he's alive!" and every time he cries and I don't know what to do for him, I'm reminded of how sometimes that is how I am before God... a little child with a pain I can't describe, but even when He does nothing, it's not because He doesn't care. He is holding me every step of the way and has nothing but the deepest desire to care for me. Sometimes I wiggle from His arms when I need Him most.
As I write this, Asa just ran up to me, grabbed onto my leg and whined "maaamaaaa". I picked him up and my tears just flowed like they did the day he was born. I just sobbed like a baby as I squeezed him tight, thanking God over and over..... thank You God, thank You God.... thank You God.
We had a party on Saturday for Asa's 1st and Isaiah's 6th (which is coming up). It was a surprise per Isaiah's request - but I'll share about that on his birthday, along with the video of him walking in :o) It was so cute. I didn't plan it on 11/10 on purpose, but noticed when I looked at pictures after that the number looked familiar... it was the time Rachel went to be with the Lord. 11:10am.
We did sharks for Isaiah and fish for Asa (so they went together) and I chose the "Rainbow Fish" for his cake... after all, he is my rainbow baby - reminding me that even in the midst of a dark, heavy storm.... there are still so many vibrant colors. (he gets that from Rachel ♥) He has never served as a replacement for her, or negated the fact that the storm was very real and still very active - but he sure has brought me joy in God's promise. A promise of hope, redemption, provision, and healing. He didn't do these things for me, God has used him in that process - one that will continue for the rest of my life as I mother these amazing children, knowing a piece of me is in heaven. Keeping me focused on an eternal future, while giving me so much to live for here.
Happy Birthday Asa Francisco. We love you so very much and thank God for every minute with you. Now I'm gonna go snuggle with you and love on you!! So happy I can call you mine.
On that day, a new level of grief struck me. The would-have-beens illuminated. The emotions of all taken from me magnified. And as I sat in that hospital room just down the hall from the one I had to let Rachel leave me in, I thanked God like I've never thanked Him before and hurt like I had never hurt before - just like with Asa's big sister 11 months earlier. Grief and joy. Happiness and sadness. love and pain. A desire to protect like an animal in the wild. I was Mama. I am Mama. I will always be Mama. And they will always be my children.
I sit here a year later and I know things I didn't know before. I know that your arms can feel full and empty at the same time. I know you can see firsts and remember lasts in the same instance. I know that I was naive to how complicated it would all be. And I know I wouldn't change a thing.
I have been blessed every minute of the past year as I have had the gift of watching this little boy grow. I have smiled each and every time I am given the opportunity to care for him - even at 2 am. I see it as a gift, not an inconvenience or sacrifice to wake with a live baby who needs me. I give of myself joyfully like I never have before. Rachel stripped so much of my selfishness away. Every embrace I give him means more than meets-the-eye. Every kiss I place on his soft, warm face screams to my heart "he's alive!" and every time he cries and I don't know what to do for him, I'm reminded of how sometimes that is how I am before God... a little child with a pain I can't describe, but even when He does nothing, it's not because He doesn't care. He is holding me every step of the way and has nothing but the deepest desire to care for me. Sometimes I wiggle from His arms when I need Him most.
As I write this, Asa just ran up to me, grabbed onto my leg and whined "maaamaaaa". I picked him up and my tears just flowed like they did the day he was born. I just sobbed like a baby as I squeezed him tight, thanking God over and over..... thank You God, thank You God.... thank You God.
We had a party on Saturday for Asa's 1st and Isaiah's 6th (which is coming up). It was a surprise per Isaiah's request - but I'll share about that on his birthday, along with the video of him walking in :o) It was so cute. I didn't plan it on 11/10 on purpose, but noticed when I looked at pictures after that the number looked familiar... it was the time Rachel went to be with the Lord. 11:10am.
We did sharks for Isaiah and fish for Asa (so they went together) and I chose the "Rainbow Fish" for his cake... after all, he is my rainbow baby - reminding me that even in the midst of a dark, heavy storm.... there are still so many vibrant colors. (he gets that from Rachel ♥) He has never served as a replacement for her, or negated the fact that the storm was very real and still very active - but he sure has brought me joy in God's promise. A promise of hope, redemption, provision, and healing. He didn't do these things for me, God has used him in that process - one that will continue for the rest of my life as I mother these amazing children, knowing a piece of me is in heaven. Keeping me focused on an eternal future, while giving me so much to live for here.
Here's my take on Asa and his birthday cake... I'm pretty sure in this picture, he's thinking...
"Ohhh, I think they've finally completely lost their minds"
"OK, let me at this thing... I know how to do this."
"Praise the Lord for making such yummy things and the taste buds that taste them! I love being one -I wish every day was my birthday !" (he was really trying to share with Mama :o) I feel so very honored he would want to share his cake ♥ )
Happy Birthday Asa Francisco. We love you so very much and thank God for every minute with you. Now I'm gonna go snuggle with you and love on you!! So happy I can call you mine.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Heavenly Blooms Never Fade
When I was pregnant with Rachel, I planted a crazy amount of tulips in my yard. They were called "Pink Impressions" and bloomed the next spring on Mother's day... a special gift I gave to her and He sent back to me when I needed it most.
Last year I was sad when only a portion of them came back up. Ironically, the ones that did bloom again were the ones right in front of her bench in my garden :o) He's always reminding me she isn't as far away as she feels.
A few weeks back, I saw some Pink Impression bulbs at Walmart. I knew if I didn't get them, I'd regret it, so I did. I could only get two bags, which was much less than I wanted to plant for her... but better than nothing. Of course then we got that storm last week and the ground was covered in snow. I sighed as I looked at the bags of bulbs I never planted, feeling I had missed my chance. My garden brings me great comfort each year and I rely on the blooms to make me feel like Rachel is still here in a way. She's was my little flower - pushing up thru the dirt to show her beautiful colors that God clothed her with... and fading much too soon.... but leaving such a sweet fragrance.
I miss her.
So, Monday, out of nowhere we got a day that was in the high 60's. Funny, just like the day in November when she was with me.
**Pause for a moment - I have to tell you what just happened in the middle of writing this post. I went to find the post from when I planted them 2 years ago so I could link it for you to read. It's here. then I realized that I was wearing the same brown pants on Monday - only significant because I haven't worn those but once or twice since before I was pregnant with Asa! I got up to tell Matt about my pants and Chris Rice's song "Come to Jesus" started playing (used to be on here when there was music... there's a part that says Dance for Jesus, and LIVE) I sat back down after we talked about how odd it was that there were days so warm so late in the season then and now... and then I read the old post and I had posted it on November 12, 2010 - WHICH WAS MONDAY'S DATE! November 12!**
Back to Monday.... It was warm out and yet again, Me & Isaiah (same as the first time! He always helps me in the garden) were out there digging holes for the Pink Impressions for Rachel. I decided that I should do groups of 3 and dug holes big enough to put three bulbs in. ('3' reminds me of her and I've been told it's a good number for bunches of flowers) It took me standing up and stepping back to realize I was digging heart shapes and I didn't know it! I was trying to get them far enough apart without digging separate holes or having to make a huge one - so I made the sides point a little farther out in 3 directions. I looked around and saw a line of heart shaped holes - each with 3 bulbs. Of course, the one I noticed 'just happened' to be the one in front of where her bench sits. I expect my Pink Impressions to bloom for me on Mother's Day - and as I said in the post on Nov 12, 2010 with Rachel kicking and dancing in my garden with me - I will smile and cry.
I was sad about having to plant new ones - I liked that the ones that came up before were ones I planted with her. But seeing how all these details just came together without me having a clue of any of it on that day - as if God provided me a do-over... I have to admit, it sure feels like she was with me.
Thank You Lord for always reassuring me she is alive and well.... in heaven, blooms never fade. Rachel, you have left an impression on my heart that is indescribable. Your beauty will never wither.
And as I finish writing this post - not only is "Word of God Speak" playing, but it's 10:27. The time she was born and the song that was playing when she was. *crying*
Last year I was sad when only a portion of them came back up. Ironically, the ones that did bloom again were the ones right in front of her bench in my garden :o) He's always reminding me she isn't as far away as she feels.
A few weeks back, I saw some Pink Impression bulbs at Walmart. I knew if I didn't get them, I'd regret it, so I did. I could only get two bags, which was much less than I wanted to plant for her... but better than nothing. Of course then we got that storm last week and the ground was covered in snow. I sighed as I looked at the bags of bulbs I never planted, feeling I had missed my chance. My garden brings me great comfort each year and I rely on the blooms to make me feel like Rachel is still here in a way. She's was my little flower - pushing up thru the dirt to show her beautiful colors that God clothed her with... and fading much too soon.... but leaving such a sweet fragrance.
I miss her.
So, Monday, out of nowhere we got a day that was in the high 60's. Funny, just like the day in November when she was with me.
**Pause for a moment - I have to tell you what just happened in the middle of writing this post. I went to find the post from when I planted them 2 years ago so I could link it for you to read. It's here. then I realized that I was wearing the same brown pants on Monday - only significant because I haven't worn those but once or twice since before I was pregnant with Asa! I got up to tell Matt about my pants and Chris Rice's song "Come to Jesus" started playing (used to be on here when there was music... there's a part that says Dance for Jesus, and LIVE) I sat back down after we talked about how odd it was that there were days so warm so late in the season then and now... and then I read the old post and I had posted it on November 12, 2010 - WHICH WAS MONDAY'S DATE! November 12!**
Back to Monday.... It was warm out and yet again, Me & Isaiah (same as the first time! He always helps me in the garden) were out there digging holes for the Pink Impressions for Rachel. I decided that I should do groups of 3 and dug holes big enough to put three bulbs in. ('3' reminds me of her and I've been told it's a good number for bunches of flowers) It took me standing up and stepping back to realize I was digging heart shapes and I didn't know it! I was trying to get them far enough apart without digging separate holes or having to make a huge one - so I made the sides point a little farther out in 3 directions. I looked around and saw a line of heart shaped holes - each with 3 bulbs. Of course, the one I noticed 'just happened' to be the one in front of where her bench sits. I expect my Pink Impressions to bloom for me on Mother's Day - and as I said in the post on Nov 12, 2010 with Rachel kicking and dancing in my garden with me - I will smile and cry.
I was sad about having to plant new ones - I liked that the ones that came up before were ones I planted with her. But seeing how all these details just came together without me having a clue of any of it on that day - as if God provided me a do-over... I have to admit, it sure feels like she was with me.
Thank You Lord for always reassuring me she is alive and well.... in heaven, blooms never fade. Rachel, you have left an impression on my heart that is indescribable. Your beauty will never wither.
And as I finish writing this post - not only is "Word of God Speak" playing, but it's 10:27. The time she was born and the song that was playing when she was. *crying*
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Best Is Yet To Be
Holy Moly, I've been emotional lately. November is hard for me. Probably always will be. It's impossible for me to be in this month and not remember what November held for me with Rachel....
Sweet memories, so many tears, Hope, hurt, blessings and trials. But she was alive and I didn't know how short it would be. I miss those days.
If you've been with me a while, you may remember the post I did on me & Matt's 5th anniversary. If not, you should read it HERE. It's an amazing story of God's redemption in our lives. Of course, that was back when Blogger allowed us to play music (still mad about this one!!) so I mention 'our soundtrack' because I had all songs from our wedding playing while we were gone that weekend on our gifted vacation. I write on that post that "Grow old along with me" was a song I walked down the isle to, but that I couldn't get myself to play it since Rachel didn't grow old with us. It was the only song I didn't add that day.
I also have this quote hanging in two different places in my house. One of them has dandelions on it and I usually get sad when I look at it cause dandelions remind me of her and I think about how she didn't grow with us. Every where I look, it's just the first part.... grow old along with me.
Do you know how the song goes? "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be"
So, Sunday I was given a gift from my friend Alyssa. I waited until after church to open it....
And when I did, I started crying.
It's perfect. Yes, I am missing her growing old with us - because guess what? She's not being affected by sin along with us! The best is YET to be. And on this cold November day, I'm so thankful for that promise.
Sweet memories, so many tears, Hope, hurt, blessings and trials. But she was alive and I didn't know how short it would be. I miss those days.
If you've been with me a while, you may remember the post I did on me & Matt's 5th anniversary. If not, you should read it HERE. It's an amazing story of God's redemption in our lives. Of course, that was back when Blogger allowed us to play music (still mad about this one!!) so I mention 'our soundtrack' because I had all songs from our wedding playing while we were gone that weekend on our gifted vacation. I write on that post that "Grow old along with me" was a song I walked down the isle to, but that I couldn't get myself to play it since Rachel didn't grow old with us. It was the only song I didn't add that day.
I also have this quote hanging in two different places in my house. One of them has dandelions on it and I usually get sad when I look at it cause dandelions remind me of her and I think about how she didn't grow with us. Every where I look, it's just the first part.... grow old along with me.
Do you know how the song goes? "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be"
So, Sunday I was given a gift from my friend Alyssa. I waited until after church to open it....
And when I did, I started crying.
It's perfect. Yes, I am missing her growing old with us - because guess what? She's not being affected by sin along with us! The best is YET to be. And on this cold November day, I'm so thankful for that promise.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Better Off Dead?
I have always tried to stay away from certain topics on my blog.... for one because it's a place for Rachel and for two because I get enough hate mail as it is.
But I sit here tonight, having two different conversations on facebook.... one about Planned Parenthood and the other about March of Dimes. I posted these links in response to a conversation I had earlier this week with someone who didn't believe the things I was trying to show her about them. Actually, she wasn't willing to investigate either, she just got defensive and turned on me.
One strand of comments raised the question "Why should we allow babies that are less than perfect to be born, they'd be better off dead than living in a place where they could potentially be unloved or not taken care of well"
The other has to do with Planned Parenthood doing other 'good' things so let's not concentrate on the millions of babies they kill. And if I do, I'm being judgemental.
One thing Rachel has changed about me where these things are concerned is that I used to get mad. I used to feel like the women getting the abortions were wrong. I used to think they used it as a form of birth control - like the girl I was in beauty school with who was 19, on her 3rd abortion and her parents didn't know about them.... What I didn't know was the unbelievable pain and heart ache that comes from having life inside you and having that life taken from you. I didn't understand how quick the doctors are to schedule that 'solution' rather than giving time to think it through. I know this now because when I got Rachel's diagnosis, I was immediately told "I will schedule you an appointment in Maine to talk about termination". If I wasn't the mama bear I am, or if I didn't already greatly distrust doctors, I might have thought this is just what comes next for a baby with no scull. Even some Christians make that choice because they trust the doctors and are scared. Some (as one of my hate mail comments said) think it's the best thing for the baby. I don't judge this, it's only by God's grace I didn't think the same thing with how the doctors lead women through these life-altering diagnoses.
When I said no, abortion wasn't a possibility, she proceeded to tell me that the fetus couldn't feel anything. When I insisted no, she said "Well, okay, but just so you know, these babies don't come on their own, you'll have to be induced and labor is very difficult on the baby since she doesn't have her head to protect her in the birth canal, it can be very painful for her and it's very scary for the mother."
Let me get this straight.... "The 'fetus' doesn't feel anything." But if I keep her, she becomes a 'Baby that will be in great pain because of my decision to keep her"
Sounds like a contradiction to me........ Fear, intimidation, blame, insecurities..... what else will they use to get you to do what they think is best? And I honestly think they think it's what's best. "Therapeutic abortion" they call it. :o(
Tonight, I found myself in tears. Not over babies dead. I honestly don't worry about them that much. I know that sounds crazy. But I don't. They are ok - and regardless of who the parents are, they go to be with Jesus for all of eternity. The reason I cry is for the mothers. I know that they can't escape the truth of their actions. One day they will know they were lied to and they will be angry. One day they will have another baby and the reality of what happened to them will not be avoidable. One day they will become aware of the truth that their 'zygot' or 'clump of cells' was a baby and they will mourn.
And I have a extremely soft heart for mourning mothers.
And as I stood there in my kitchen, crying in front of Matt & the kids, I blubbered about how lost people are... how right and wrong is not relative....about the pain the mothers carry long after abortion. About the fact that I somehow become the bad guy for caring at all and called judgemental for wanting people to stand against this, even if it means they miss out on personal gain. And then it dawned on me....
All of this *stuff* going on in my heart about abortion, It's not about politics. it's all about the fact that Rachel's birthday is coming up and I would give anything to have been able to keep her. All these people assisting others in sucking the brains out of their babies and I would give anything for my baby's brain to have formed. All of these people saying murder is health care and I had to fight to get care for Rachel at all. All of these people convincing young girls that abortion is the easy way out - when I know so many who regret it....and the pain of having life stripped from my womb.
I just want her back - but even if I had my way and Planned Parenthood was closed down, March of Dimes started telling the truth about their mission and the people who call themselves followers of Jesus started taking a stand for Him and what HE declares is right over what will benefit us.
She's still gone. Is she better off dead? Yes. Because she's not really dead, she's alive as can be. And she doesn't have to deal with this crazy world or all the pain in it. But therein lies the problem... it's not about the baby, it's about the mother who is left behind. The arms that know they were created to hold the child that was growing inside. The heart that will always be missing a piece of it. The soul that has to live in the darkness of reality. Only Jesus can take that away. I think maybe I need to start praying different. Rather than pray that our government will stop funding murder, I need to pray for a revival in the hearts of people.... that they may come to know Him and turn from their evil ways.
I pray that anyone who has had an abortion - or early termination of their baby - or early induction - or whatever - knows that this is in no way addressing you. And this isn't about who anyone voted for. This is about the places that offer what only God should be in control of. This is about me missing Rachel. This is about my fear of people thinking she wasn't worth the time, energy, love or money I spent on her. This is about life and death and Who is in charge of it.... and sometimes I don't like what He chooses. I wish she was here, others wish their babies weren't. Maybe I'm just jealous that they all get a choice I wish I had.
But I sit here tonight, having two different conversations on facebook.... one about Planned Parenthood and the other about March of Dimes. I posted these links in response to a conversation I had earlier this week with someone who didn't believe the things I was trying to show her about them. Actually, she wasn't willing to investigate either, she just got defensive and turned on me.
One strand of comments raised the question "Why should we allow babies that are less than perfect to be born, they'd be better off dead than living in a place where they could potentially be unloved or not taken care of well"
The other has to do with Planned Parenthood doing other 'good' things so let's not concentrate on the millions of babies they kill. And if I do, I'm being judgemental.
One thing Rachel has changed about me where these things are concerned is that I used to get mad. I used to feel like the women getting the abortions were wrong. I used to think they used it as a form of birth control - like the girl I was in beauty school with who was 19, on her 3rd abortion and her parents didn't know about them.... What I didn't know was the unbelievable pain and heart ache that comes from having life inside you and having that life taken from you. I didn't understand how quick the doctors are to schedule that 'solution' rather than giving time to think it through. I know this now because when I got Rachel's diagnosis, I was immediately told "I will schedule you an appointment in Maine to talk about termination". If I wasn't the mama bear I am, or if I didn't already greatly distrust doctors, I might have thought this is just what comes next for a baby with no scull. Even some Christians make that choice because they trust the doctors and are scared. Some (as one of my hate mail comments said) think it's the best thing for the baby. I don't judge this, it's only by God's grace I didn't think the same thing with how the doctors lead women through these life-altering diagnoses.
When I said no, abortion wasn't a possibility, she proceeded to tell me that the fetus couldn't feel anything. When I insisted no, she said "Well, okay, but just so you know, these babies don't come on their own, you'll have to be induced and labor is very difficult on the baby since she doesn't have her head to protect her in the birth canal, it can be very painful for her and it's very scary for the mother."
Let me get this straight.... "The 'fetus' doesn't feel anything." But if I keep her, she becomes a 'Baby that will be in great pain because of my decision to keep her"
Sounds like a contradiction to me........ Fear, intimidation, blame, insecurities..... what else will they use to get you to do what they think is best? And I honestly think they think it's what's best. "Therapeutic abortion" they call it. :o(
Tonight, I found myself in tears. Not over babies dead. I honestly don't worry about them that much. I know that sounds crazy. But I don't. They are ok - and regardless of who the parents are, they go to be with Jesus for all of eternity. The reason I cry is for the mothers. I know that they can't escape the truth of their actions. One day they will know they were lied to and they will be angry. One day they will have another baby and the reality of what happened to them will not be avoidable. One day they will become aware of the truth that their 'zygot' or 'clump of cells' was a baby and they will mourn.
And I have a extremely soft heart for mourning mothers.
And as I stood there in my kitchen, crying in front of Matt & the kids, I blubbered about how lost people are... how right and wrong is not relative....about the pain the mothers carry long after abortion. About the fact that I somehow become the bad guy for caring at all and called judgemental for wanting people to stand against this, even if it means they miss out on personal gain. And then it dawned on me....
All of this *stuff* going on in my heart about abortion, It's not about politics. it's all about the fact that Rachel's birthday is coming up and I would give anything to have been able to keep her. All these people assisting others in sucking the brains out of their babies and I would give anything for my baby's brain to have formed. All of these people saying murder is health care and I had to fight to get care for Rachel at all. All of these people convincing young girls that abortion is the easy way out - when I know so many who regret it....and the pain of having life stripped from my womb.
I just want her back - but even if I had my way and Planned Parenthood was closed down, March of Dimes started telling the truth about their mission and the people who call themselves followers of Jesus started taking a stand for Him and what HE declares is right over what will benefit us.
She's still gone. Is she better off dead? Yes. Because she's not really dead, she's alive as can be. And she doesn't have to deal with this crazy world or all the pain in it. But therein lies the problem... it's not about the baby, it's about the mother who is left behind. The arms that know they were created to hold the child that was growing inside. The heart that will always be missing a piece of it. The soul that has to live in the darkness of reality. Only Jesus can take that away. I think maybe I need to start praying different. Rather than pray that our government will stop funding murder, I need to pray for a revival in the hearts of people.... that they may come to know Him and turn from their evil ways.
I pray that anyone who has had an abortion - or early termination of their baby - or early induction - or whatever - knows that this is in no way addressing you. And this isn't about who anyone voted for. This is about the places that offer what only God should be in control of. This is about me missing Rachel. This is about my fear of people thinking she wasn't worth the time, energy, love or money I spent on her. This is about life and death and Who is in charge of it.... and sometimes I don't like what He chooses. I wish she was here, others wish their babies weren't. Maybe I'm just jealous that they all get a choice I wish I had.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Rachel's 2nd Birthday Invite
It's hard to believe Rachel's 2nd birthday is just 3 weeks away. I feel a loss for words lately. I feel like I've said it all already. I miss her.
I've been working on her birthday invites and was slow to get them out.... I guess once I put them in the mail was going to mean it was almost here. Today was the day.
I've been talking about her a ton... showing people photos of her... working on stuff for her... wishing I had more hours in the day to do all the things on my heart.... for her.
Time is a strange thing. How can something feel like 'just yesterday' and 'forever ago' at the same time... in the same breath? How can I remember so much and so little all at once? How can I cry and before the tear hits my cheek, smile? And then cry some more.... ? I feel confused and so uncertain of where I'm even at. December 3, 2010.... I miss you.
So, here I am almost two years later. I'm still aching to make sure she isn't forgotten. Still begging God to keep me close. Still completely unable to do this on my own.
We plan to celebrate again this year.... and hope you will join us if you are able. I've been working on a short ceremony for her at her grave and then we'll gather at our home after. I'm hoping that you will send the notes/emails/messages about how Rachel's life has impacted yours - or someone you know - so that we can read them while we share her birthday cake. (or you can share it yourself if you're here and comfortable with that) The best medicine for my heart has been knowing how far her life has reached and all that God has done through her - and through my love for her. That the things I have endured for her have not been all for nothing. That she is still changing the world. That she changed yours. She certainly changed mine. (But you all hear that regularly)
Here are the invites that I mailed out. I wish I could make and send everyone one of the paper copies, they look much cuter in person. If you could RSVP, that would be great.
Miss you sweet girl...and although I say I would give anything to have you back with me, I know the truth is you are better off where you are. I look forward to the day when all this pain is gone and I see you again. Until then, I'm going to love you with all I am in whatever ways I'm able. You will never be in my past... you're always in my future.
I've been working on her birthday invites and was slow to get them out.... I guess once I put them in the mail was going to mean it was almost here. Today was the day.
I've been talking about her a ton... showing people photos of her... working on stuff for her... wishing I had more hours in the day to do all the things on my heart.... for her.
Time is a strange thing. How can something feel like 'just yesterday' and 'forever ago' at the same time... in the same breath? How can I remember so much and so little all at once? How can I cry and before the tear hits my cheek, smile? And then cry some more.... ? I feel confused and so uncertain of where I'm even at. December 3, 2010.... I miss you.
So, here I am almost two years later. I'm still aching to make sure she isn't forgotten. Still begging God to keep me close. Still completely unable to do this on my own.
We plan to celebrate again this year.... and hope you will join us if you are able. I've been working on a short ceremony for her at her grave and then we'll gather at our home after. I'm hoping that you will send the notes/emails/messages about how Rachel's life has impacted yours - or someone you know - so that we can read them while we share her birthday cake. (or you can share it yourself if you're here and comfortable with that) The best medicine for my heart has been knowing how far her life has reached and all that God has done through her - and through my love for her. That the things I have endured for her have not been all for nothing. That she is still changing the world. That she changed yours. She certainly changed mine. (But you all hear that regularly)
Here are the invites that I mailed out. I wish I could make and send everyone one of the paper copies, they look much cuter in person. If you could RSVP, that would be great.
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| Front of card |
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| Inside of card |
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| Front of insert |
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| Back of insert - explains puzzle piece gifts |
Miss you sweet girl...and although I say I would give anything to have you back with me, I know the truth is you are better off where you are. I look forward to the day when all this pain is gone and I see you again. Until then, I'm going to love you with all I am in whatever ways I'm able. You will never be in my past... you're always in my future.
Almost Half Way There!!
I just went to my last Puzzle update post to copy the names from the last couple weeks so I could paste them to this post. I suppose it's probably a 'coincidence' that there have been 143 hits on it ♥.
I also didn't realize almost a week has gone by since I wrote. I'm so ridiculously busy, it's not even funny. I'm surprised I'm still swimming.... I suppose it's not a bad thing as her birthday approaches, but I feel like I could use some time to sit still and feel what this month brings about for heart ache. It always comes out somehow - can't avoid it forever....
So, without further adieu, here is the update - which is VERY encouraging for me!!
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett ♥
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon ♥
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One' ♥
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen ♥
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel") ♥
21. Baby String ♥
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
Week Three:
24. "A friend"
25. "A friend"
26. In memory of Jordan, Christian & Hayden ♥ ♥ ♥
27. "A friend"
28. "A friend"
29. "A friend"
30. "A friend"
31. "A friend"
32. "A friend"
33. "A friend"
34. "A friend"
35. Anne Alix
36. Chris Alix
37. Isabelle Alix
38. Rose J. Alix ♥
39. Matthew Alix
40. Derrick Marsh
41. Erin Thompson
42. Karla Dillon
43. Rachel Alice Aube ♥
44. Scott Dillon
45. Caroline Dillon
46. Cameron Dillon
These donations have been made from all over... NH, CA, OH, ME, and even Austrailia! The ♥'s represent pieces purchased in memory of babies.
Thank you all so very much.
I also didn't realize almost a week has gone by since I wrote. I'm so ridiculously busy, it's not even funny. I'm surprised I'm still swimming.... I suppose it's not a bad thing as her birthday approaches, but I feel like I could use some time to sit still and feel what this month brings about for heart ache. It always comes out somehow - can't avoid it forever....
So, without further adieu, here is the update - which is VERY encouraging for me!!
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett ♥
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon ♥
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One' ♥
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen ♥
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel") ♥
21. Baby String ♥
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
Week Three:
24. "A friend"
25. "A friend"
26. In memory of Jordan, Christian & Hayden ♥ ♥ ♥
27. "A friend"
28. "A friend"
29. "A friend"
30. "A friend"
31. "A friend"
32. "A friend"
33. "A friend"
34. "A friend"
35. Anne Alix
36. Chris Alix
37. Isabelle Alix
38. Rose J. Alix ♥
39. Matthew Alix
40. Derrick Marsh
41. Erin Thompson
42. Karla Dillon
43. Rachel Alice Aube ♥
44. Scott Dillon
45. Caroline Dillon
46. Cameron Dillon
These donations have been made from all over... NH, CA, OH, ME, and even Austrailia! The ♥'s represent pieces purchased in memory of babies.
Thank you all so very much.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Random Thoughts and Puzzle Update
Another 3rd... One month to go. I can't believe it's been two years.
Time has not been my friend. Contrary to popular belief, grief does not get easier and easier each day until it is a thing of the past. It's the most unpredictable and inconsistent beast I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. It goes up, down and all around - in a matter of minutes some days and in no particular order - no matter what the textbooks say. The 'stages of grief' are real, but whoever said they happen in steps is crazy... oh, you'll go from denial to anger to blah blah blah to acceptance... ugh.. so wrong. One day I'm in acceptance and the next I'm in denial... then I go to anger and back to acceptance. It makes no sense.
On Monday, in preparation for hurricane Sandy, I went and retrieved all of the things on Rachel's grave. It was severely windy by the time I got there and I got soaked just getting the stuff into my van. I don't know why, maybe it was because this was a first for taking everything away from there, but I ran back and gave the top of her cold, wet stone a kiss.
I got in the van wondering if I had lost my mind.... her stone is not her. I felt like I was leaving her out in a storm. I don't know, hard to explain.
I went again on Wednesday to bring her stuff back and yesterday for my Friday visit..... And the dreaded time of year where fake flowers have to replace real ones. I'm not ready for winter. The only container I could find to put them in was a trash can from my basement that has a sailboat on it. I've never used it and never noticed what it said... but yesterday I saw it... "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails."
I feel like all I ever do is adjust my flipping sails.
Today, Matt & I went out and did something for Rachel's birthday - and after I got home I went to the store with Sam. We're walking down the isle and a new baby started to cry. Of course, she was a cute little girl. As the mom tried to reposition her in the carrier, Sam looked and yelled out "Oh look, it's Rachel!"
He's been talking about her all.the.time lately. I think probably trying to figure out who she is and how she fits into our family since he was too little to remember her.
My mind is all over the place.... I don't even know my point. It's just been a hard week. Really hard.
So, here is the puzzle update for this week... Thank you to all who helped add to Rachel's puzzle so far! We have 30 days left...85 pieces to go.
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One'
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel")
21. Baby String
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
43. Rachel Alice Aube
Time has not been my friend. Contrary to popular belief, grief does not get easier and easier each day until it is a thing of the past. It's the most unpredictable and inconsistent beast I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. It goes up, down and all around - in a matter of minutes some days and in no particular order - no matter what the textbooks say. The 'stages of grief' are real, but whoever said they happen in steps is crazy... oh, you'll go from denial to anger to blah blah blah to acceptance... ugh.. so wrong. One day I'm in acceptance and the next I'm in denial... then I go to anger and back to acceptance. It makes no sense.
On Monday, in preparation for hurricane Sandy, I went and retrieved all of the things on Rachel's grave. It was severely windy by the time I got there and I got soaked just getting the stuff into my van. I don't know why, maybe it was because this was a first for taking everything away from there, but I ran back and gave the top of her cold, wet stone a kiss.
I got in the van wondering if I had lost my mind.... her stone is not her. I felt like I was leaving her out in a storm. I don't know, hard to explain.
I went again on Wednesday to bring her stuff back and yesterday for my Friday visit..... And the dreaded time of year where fake flowers have to replace real ones. I'm not ready for winter. The only container I could find to put them in was a trash can from my basement that has a sailboat on it. I've never used it and never noticed what it said... but yesterday I saw it... "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails."
I feel like all I ever do is adjust my flipping sails.
Today, Matt & I went out and did something for Rachel's birthday - and after I got home I went to the store with Sam. We're walking down the isle and a new baby started to cry. Of course, she was a cute little girl. As the mom tried to reposition her in the carrier, Sam looked and yelled out "Oh look, it's Rachel!"
He's been talking about her all.the.time lately. I think probably trying to figure out who she is and how she fits into our family since he was too little to remember her.
My mind is all over the place.... I don't even know my point. It's just been a hard week. Really hard.
So, here is the puzzle update for this week... Thank you to all who helped add to Rachel's puzzle so far! We have 30 days left...85 pieces to go.
Week One:
1. Jason Corbett
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One'
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden
Week Two:
17. Hope McKeen
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel")
21. Baby String
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale
43. Rachel Alice Aube
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