I had no idea - but He did

Today is our 5th Anniversary... And so I want to share what God has shown me over the past few days.  I don't think there is a short way to say this, but I won't be posting anything for a couple of days, (I'll be too busy loving my husband!) so feel free to read this in chapters if you need to :o)  Bear with me as I try to put words to all of this...I also have a bunch of pictures to share cause I'm a picture person and I believe it gives you a better peak into my life.

Oh, and let me draw your attention to our soundtrack...

-Still the one - a song we called "ours" when we were dating in rehab cause they said you shouldn't date anyone in your 1st year of sobriety or else your life will be ruined :o) I guess they were wrong.  "We beat the odds together"  
-Draw me close to You - the song we played during communion at our wedding
-Amazing Grace - the congregational song at our wedding. 

and one important one, but not playing for you...
-Grow old along with me is the song I walked down the isle to, but I just couldn't get myself to put that on a blog about Rachel... I wish she could have grown old with us.

OK, read on.....


Let's start with daisies...
Last week, I was looking on line for whatever the "right" thing to give for a 5th anniversary is... as if I have ever cared about proper etiquette with stuff like this... and I came across a page that said that the flower for the 5th anniversary is the daisy. It goes on to say that in the language of flowers, daisies represent innocence, loyal love, and purity.

 

Interesting timing, isn't it? What a "coincidence" that I picked that flower to hand out at Rachel's service... that she was surrounded by them in the hospital, they were on her birthday cake... that she not only represented those things to us, but our love for her did as well. I had no idea that it symbolized exactly what was on my heart - and right before our 5th anniversary.  I cannot look at a daisy without thinking of Rachel.  Her name has a similar meaning; innocent lamb, noble kind

Happy Birthday Rachel!  We sang to her!

So, that was "ironic" enough, but yesterday it got even better...  I started looking through my wedding album so I could post a picture today.  We have a ton of beautiful pictures that Luke Smith took.  But as I looked through it, I saw something that I hadn't remembered... I knew that daisies were what the flower girls had, but I forgot what a big piece of our wedding day they were.  As I flipped through my book, I couldn't believe it.  They were on our cake, on the table, in the flower girls' hair, in the bridal parties hair... and I wore one in my hair.  How could I not remember that?  That's what Luke was for, I guess :o)

Desirae was 3 year old...so cute.

I LOVED my hair...didn't want to take it down. Thanks, Heather!

Can you see the daisies in everyone's hair?

OK, let's move to tulips for a minute...
 
I planted over 130 pink tulip bulbs and a bunch of daisies in my yard when I was 8 months pregnant... I wanted something to remind me of Rachel in the spring... and it was more meaningful because she was with me when I planted them.  I talked to her the whole time.  The flowers on her casket were daisies and pink tulips.  I can't wait to see those flowers bloom.  Next fall, I plan to plant some of them at her grave so that she has something from our yard... a piece of our home with her. 

So, it's not like I didn't know this... but yesterday it dawned on me that my wedding bouquet had tulips too... white ones.  I guess it makes sense that somewhere in my mind and heart these two flowers hold a special place and so I would pick them for Rachel, but I had not once thought about the fact that they were the flowers for our wedding.

When all these details started coming together, I decided to look up the meaning of tulips... sure enough, it all made sense.  Pink tulips (Rachel's) symbolize "perfect happiness and love" and white tulips (ours) symbolize "worthiness; let's take a chance"  Considering our relationship had fallen apart on our first try, when we came to know the Lord, we were banking our whole lives on the fact that in Him we were made new...and we took a chance... because He is worthy.  I'm so glad we did. God has proven Himself enough over and over in these past 5 years. 


Mr. & Mrs. Aube :o)

As I looked through my pictures... I smiled, our day was perfect.  It was everything I hoped it to be and more, minus the yucky cake...but I was too happy to notice it that day.  There were two pictures that made me cry... I wasn't expecting it (isn't that the way with grief?)  One was of me helping Des get dressed.  My first thought was how we look alike here, my second was "I wonder if Rachel would have looked like Des" and my third was "I will never be able to help Rachel get ready for her wedding..."

The other one was this... My dad walking me down the isle... notice I have my hand wrapped around his finger?  Rachel did that to us, too.  In the only picture I have of her that shows her little legs kicking, she is holding onto her Daddy's finger.  I so wish he could walk her down the isle some day.  She would have been a beautiful bride.

 

We had no idea when we said our vows 5 years ago that we would ever have to endure the pain that we have.  We had no idea that "in sickness" would include our child. I am grateful to have been through this together.  I know we are stronger because of Rachel. 

And just when you think I'm wrapping it up... there's more! 

I had decided that since our anniversary landed on a Friday, and after all that I have learned about daisies and tulips, that I was going to get Rachel some fake ones because every real flower I leave for her, dies immediately and that's just depressing.  I was getting my shoes on to leave when I asked Matt to get something out of the car for me.  I have a friend who is about to have a baby and I told her she could have our carseat since we're not using it :o(  It was still in the trunk of Matt's car from Rachel's birthday. (taking it out was too hard; just a reminder that we left empty handed.)  So, he went out to get it and came back in with a big bouquet of fake daisies.  He said "look what I found in my trunk" - I thought he was kidding and that they were real and he was just hiding them in the car to surprise me for today.  Nope.  They were fake and really in his trunk...from Rachel's birthday!!  My mom & sister had bought them to bring to the hospital.  My heart just sank...in a good way.  I wasn't overly excited about fake flowers on December 3rd, but 11 weeks later, well...now it's exactly what I wanted.  Imagine that...the desires of my heart being met...hmmm...so unlike God!  ha! 

I bought a few fake tulips, put them with the daisies and brought them down to Rachel... 

 But do you know what happened??  Look at this... I was able to get the vase to go into the ground!  The ground is starting to thaw!  I'm telling you...it's gonna be an early spring! :o)

With thawing...comes mud!  Boys!

As I said goodbye to Rachel - again - I told her that we miss her and let her know that we are stronger because of her.  I think she should know that this journey with her has made our marriage better; deeper.

So, I guess what God has said to me through all this, if I can put it into words, is...  Just like He knew every sin I would ever commit long before I was even born...He knew Rachel would exist, He knew how much we would love her, He knew how she would grow us... He knew it was all for our good.  And as I write this, I'm again in awe because the verse that we put on our wedding favors was Romans 8:28 - God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  That verse goes on to say - For those who are called according to His purpose.

It's a hard thing to grasp... He knows every detail long before it comes to be... He knew when I was picking flowers for my wedding that one day a daisy would remind me of Rachel.  She's there... in all of our wedding pictures.  He knew when we tossed the fake daisies into the trunk and when I told my friend I'd get the car seat out today (because I failed to do it 2 weeks ago when I said I would!!) that it was the exact day I would need them.  He knew when He brought me & Matt both to rehab at the same time, that we would someday get married and that Rachel would be born to us.......and have I mentioned that we met in a little town called Bethlehem??  No joke... Bethlehem, NH.... All I can say is He knew, He knew, He knew... He had it all under control.  And knowing that makes it possible for us to face whatever comes our way, saying He knows, He knows, He knows.  He's got it all under control.

The bible says that Christ is our bridegroom.  On Rachel's wedding day, I did help her prepare to meet her groom.  I'm quite sure that when she entered heaven... she was a beautiful bride. And I also know that she was holding her Daddy's finger as she walked down the isle. 

Happy 5th Anniversary, Matthew... I love you. 

This is a poem I wrote him last year for our anniversary.  The baby I'm talking about was Desriae and the Friendship house is the name of the rehab in Bethlehem...We started hanging out at a New Years Eve AA dance at a church.   I just came across this "accidentally" while in the middle of writing this post....

I had no idea

By Stacy Aube

I remember the day that we first met.

At the Friendship house, it was rainy and wet

You challenged me to a game of ping pong.

And on the piano, helped me play a song

Conversations we had few,

I had no idea that it would be you

You left and time passed by.

On New Years Eve, in the sanctuary I cried;

God, if you’re real, please change my life.

When you offered me a ride home,

I had no idea that someday I’d be your wife

A road so uncertain and though we were scared,

our time together made it all easier to bare

As we said goodbye and I drove myself to jail,

I had no idea that your promise would not fail

The odds stacked against us, our hearts on the line.

Lonely and broken, I asked God one more time;

If you exist, please reveal Yourself to me soon

I had no idea He was knitting a miracle together in my womb

From that point to this, what an amazing story.

And God wrote it all; for our good and His glory

He has brought us through fire, refined us by flame.

I had no idea we would never be the same

You’re still the one, the song rings in my mind.

I spent my life searching for love

that on my own, I’d never find

But the same Holy God I doubted that night in the church pew,

heard me from Heaven and led me to you

Still in my sin, He loved me first.

I had no idea with Him, I would never again thirst

And so here we are, growing old together.

So many blessings and some rainy weather

As each year passes, I more clearly see;

I had no idea the best was yet to be

Sorry... I told you it was long! :o)