Sunday, February 6, 2011

Don't Want to Miss it Twice

OK, so I'm about to be very vulnerable here....all judgemental people, please exit now........

I trust if you're still reading, that means that you won't have anything judgemental to say, but even more so that if you catch yourself with judgemental thoughts about what I share, you will notice it, call it what it is and admit that you are human, too and that God's knowledge is above all other's.

This morning at church the topic was "Anxiety and Worry"...  before the sermon we sang "Everlasting God" by Chris Tomlin, see lyrics Here.  It's based on the verse I mentioned the other night in my "Waiting for Wings" post... And I cried of those deep belly cries...yet still praising Him. 

So, when Pastor Willie started the sermon, my heart was ripe to hear.  I was very convicted this morning and it really did sum up what's been happening this week, in the battlefield I call my mind and heart.

I have been very "concerned"...okay, totally worried, about my next baby.  Before Rachel, after I lost our 3rd baby, God put it on our hearts that we should not be trying to control when He gives us children.  He gave us a new outlook on babies, the gift they are, how they are not meant to be "convenient" and let us know that no matter how much we plan, we really have no say on what happens.  I realized that, while I trusted Him with so many other things, I had not trusted Him with my children.  I took the world's ideas of how children should be spaced, how many children I should have, even what I should own or have in order to "provide" for them (as if I'm the one who does that!) and I let fear and human "intelligence" make my decisions. 

Now, before anyone gets defensive, please know that this is OUR conviction... I know that God leads everyone differently and I do not believe that everyone should just have tons of babies... and I know that some people will never have any at all.  I believe that is a calling of it's own and God has purpose in all things. 

So, we lost a baby and God let me know... I can plan it out "perfectly", but ultimately I don't decide.  I had decided the month that we got pregnant with Rachel, that I didn't want to get pregnant that month because I wasn't interested in a Christmas baby.  God had different plans, not only did I get pregnant, but she was due on Christmas day.  I thought "well, that's funny, God" and rolled with it...  When I found out Rachel would die, I was yet again reminded that I have no control... and that I really would LOVE a Christmas baby. :o(  (read It's all perspective post)

After all I went through with Rachel, I thought that I would never struggle in this area again... but here I am.  Worrying.  I must admit, it stems from things that don't matter...  statistics and people's opinions.  I had a couple of people say something along the lines of "you wouldn't try again, would you?  Don't you know that the chances are higher of it happening again?"   hmmm....  while I can say that is a useless comment, and know that's true... I can't help but worry about people's opinions.  I have also heard it said of other people who had more than one anencephalic baby that they really "asked for" a hard road.  So, what it comes down to is that I don't want to ever have to go through this again, but what I really worry about is that if it did happen, people would blame me.  As if I really decide what happens at if having another baby like Rachel would be if welcoming a child from God is ASKING for pain... Does anyone else see how crazy those things sound? 

Even more crazy are the things that go on in my mind... Here is a list of things I have worried about this week:

That I will loose another baby to miscarriage
I'll have another anencephalic baby
our headstone will end up being needed for another baby and will have the wrong amount of name boxes on it.
Can me & Matt both be buried there if we have TWO babies there?
If not, would I get buried with them or with Matt?
What if Matt dies first?
my doctor won't support me
people will say I did it to myself and lack compassion
I'll get pregnant with twins, my body won't be able to take it and they will die
I won't be able to do everything I want to do for Rachel if I'm pregnant and sick.
that I'll have a boy
that I'll have a girl
What if I never have another baby at all?
Should we adopt?
How would we afford that?
I wonder if my criminal record would allow that.
Can I get my record cleared yet?
if my body is absorbing the TONS of folic acid I take now
what caused Rachel's condition??
what doctor's office I should use
what hospital I'd deliver at
would I have another c-section or try VBAC?
what if my uterus ruptures during birth and I die?
will I be due around Rachel's birthday? 
How will I grieve and rejoice at the same time?
Would people forget about Rachel?
if my heart could handle any more pain
Would I be angry at God?

That just reminded me of the video they showed this morning telling us what not to do!  And that's all just my thoughts on our next baby... which by the way, I have NO idea when God will give us.  But early this week, we came to the conclusion that we were letting statistics and human knowledge keep us from trusting God and His knowledge.  He does not call us to something and then not give us what we need to go through it.

I also realized that somewhere, deep down, I do still question if God cares for me.  He proves Himself all the time, and yet I still have that little whisper in my ear every time I talk to God.  I'll say "I trust You" and I hear "why do you trust him?"  I'll say "thank you for loving me" and I'll hear "what makes you think he loves you?"  I say "I'm not afraid" and I'll hear "look what happened last time".  I'll say "You're in control" and I hear "really, well why didn't he do x,y,z...?"  It's a battlefield... faith vs fear.  Who will I let win?  Will I take my thoughts captive and rely on God and His Truth or let the enemy's lies infest my mind?  The reason the world is in the mess it is to begin with is because Eve bought into Satan's lie that God didn't have her best in mind. 

I heard something on an interview that I shared with a dear friend last night and as all of this worry stuff came to light, I realized I was supposed to hear it the other day.  The man being interviewed had a serious case of MS and was asked "how do you stay optimistic?"  My ears perked up and I listened to hear his answer.  He said something along the lines "well, I look at it this way... if I worry and nothing bad happens, I miss it once.  If I worry and something bad happens, I miss it twice"

We don't want to miss it twice.  Rachel's life was a perfect example of that.  When we found out she had anencephaly, I had two choices.  I could be mad at God, fall apart, run from Him and cry for 5 months...and then when she died, have missed her twice....   OR, I could stay close to God, pray for healing, have hope and trust in His plan and make the most out of my little girl's life.  and then when she died, be thankful that I didn't miss my chance to love her and rejoice over her.

I've heard it said that courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing the right thing in spite of itGod does not give us a spirit of fear... or worry. (I said those same words in her diagnosis post where I finally shared that she had anencephaly...which I was afraid of doing because of statistics and other people's opinions!) He gives us a spirit of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)  right, Nancy? :o)

So here it is... we're choosing to not worry.  We're choosing to trust God in His plan and believe that He cares for us.  We're choosing to surrender to the fact that we are not in control.  We're choosing to be courageous in Jesus Christ.  We're choosing to love.  We're choosing to not miss it twice.

We're asking you to pray for us as we support us, to love us, rejoice with us and if need be...grieve with us.  But please don't ever judge us or blame us if something goes "wrong"... in God's plan, it's always right.  I am completely surrendered to His will for my life.... the good times, the hard times and everything in between.  And I would gladly welcome another baby like Rachel into our family... she was AMAZING!!

So here we go......
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
1Peter 5:6-11


  1. No judgment here Mama! I have lost 2 pregnancies and have 2 children which are the results of pregnancies after my losses. After each loss,I would drive myself crazy with the "what-ifs": what if I loose another baby? What if something is wrong with me and it's my fault that my babies have died? What if I am not strong enough to handle all of this?!?!?!? And the what-ifs went on and on and on. I was so scared each time after a loss to conceive again, but I slowly began to realize that I could not control what was going to happen. My ultimate goal and hearts desire was a healthy baby, and to get there I had to trust in God and have unending faith that good things would happen, and you know what.....they did! :) I don't know why I had to suffer through my losses, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. I learned so much about myself and love and God and a greater plan, and while I will always be sad that I do not have those sweet babies in my arms, without those losses I would not be the person that I am today: fearless, determined, extremely grateful, and filled with faith, hope, love, and joy. I now BELIEVE.

    Best wishes to you and your family and I want you to know that I pray for you daily. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and Rachel. <3

  2. Stacy, I know SO exactly what you are Talking about! I am worried about that, too! And we have two risks that are higher by now Because our little son has down Syndrome.. (i thought, that was difficult until Valentina came into our world) i just told my husband two days ago, that I don't Know If I would survive another baby with 'problems', Even If it was missing only a Little finger...
    And people..and choice... Yes, it starts already with those, who admire our choice. As If it was a choice! The only Thing we chose was NOT to choose. To leave the choice to God. I wouldn't go this Journey if I was the one to decide. Not once and for sure not twice. That is, why I worry the same Way you do.
    That are the fears. We Know, that we would love them again and again, but we are so vulnerable at the same Time, because we know the pain, we know, that we are not in control... that is, why we can feel guided. And that is, where we can feel god. It is all belonging together.
    I would not Exchange my Valentina with any other healthy baby because she was perfect.
    I may sound confused:-). I hope you understand!
    Love, iko

  3. No judgement here, Stacy! I have not been through anything close to what you have experienced and shared but have come to realize that some people 'will always have their opinions'. Let them! Hence my (please pardon my expression) who gives a shit attitude! People don't like what I do, they don't have to. People don't like what I think, they don't have to. Live your life for you and for your family. After all, those people won't live their lives for you. You're right, it's God's choice. Those people have not walked a half a mile in your shoes, who are they to judge.

    BIG hugs to you, my friend, and a daisy too ~*

  4. Dear Stacy!
    I´m so sorry for the long time without leave a comment here... I always think about you, Rachel and your family and I pray for you all, so that God can always show His love and care for your lives and comfort your hearts during grief, that I can´t wonder how hard it has been. I miss Rachel! It was very special and a privilege to know her through your posts during pregnancy and through her pictures, she is precious and so strong and brave. I am shure God sent her for you as a present, a privilege and an honor, and I admire you so much for your love, your courage, your sincerity. God is writing a wonderful story through your lives and so many people are hearing about what really means trust in Jesus. God loves you so much that He gave His son to die for Rachel, so that someday you could take her back in your arms. I believe with all my heart He will guide you about the future and bless you so much, and will heal every fear and pain in your hearts.
    With love, and missing Rachel,

  5. Just as Rachel's older siblings had the privilege to know, hug, and love Rachel, her younger siblings will grow up with the knowledge that they have another two siblings in heaven waiting for them. They will see your love for her, your projects done for her and will believe in the God who carries you. Not having more children would simply deny someone(s) of being able to love Rachel as a sister. And that's not a good thing.


  6. I've read your blog for a long time but I've never posted but after reading this entry. I felt God put these words on my heart for you and I hope they bring you some comfort. I'll be praying for you through this journey and as you start a new journey in God's plan.

    Psalm 33:22 "May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

    Luke 12:22-32
    "Then, turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?
    “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

    “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

    “So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom."

  7. God will walk you through it all friend! You are so right to let go and let God...

    Let's make a pact OK!?! I won't let the fear take over and neither will you! We WON'T miss it twice. I REFUSE to be afraid.

    Just like we did with Rachel and Amelia we will rejoice, one day at a time, but rejoice FULLY without worry or fear knowing that God has already sorted through it all!!!

    Although you didn't write this post just for me it feels like it today! I needed this post friend.
    I'm not gonna' miss it twice!!!
    You'd think I'd know that by now...

    Love Ya!

  8. I will continue to hold you up in prayer as you take the next step of faith. I remember getting pregnant after losing our Ethan and the fear that went along with that. But God is faithful! No matter what!!!! No judgement here either! You need to follow what God is leading YOU to do, end of story! Trusting our Savior to continue to hold you up, guide you, and love you!
    Praying and loving from here.....

    Carrie :)

  9. I could have written this post word for word! I stuggle with all of the same things daily. You are not alone. I pray for you guys everyday. God will show us the way. :-) Love you!

  10. Thank you as always for your open-heart and your candor in sharing.
    I also am a worrier. I am going through the Beth Moore Bible study "David:Seeking a Heart Like His". I feel like I have given so much over to God to entrust to Him but I was also holding onto my child. Through the study He has brought me to the place where I am learning to give her over to Him. The thought terrifies me sometimes that in releasing her to Him He will take her from me. But I have to dwell on that He is in control and will be with me no matter what. God has brought you to my heart many days while studying it and I continually pray for you.

    Love In Him

  11. This post was amazing. It is everything I have felt over and over. I did hear the comments after I got pregnant again, only three months after losing my baby girl to Anencephaly. Two weeks after finding out about the pregnancy, I began bleeding very heavily. I thought I was about to lose yet another baby, and so close to the last one. I would find myself hyperventilating from fear of going through it all again (and here I was thinking I had handled it quite well, and that if the Lord willed it to happen again, I would do it again and again for the experience I was able to have while carrying Gianna). When it came right down to it, I was so scared about doing that again. I had a subchorionic hematoma and was told that it could cause me to lose that baby. Every time I had extreme amounts of bleeding I would almost cause myself to faint out of fear. Then one day, I sat down and realized that none of my children are actually "mine". They are all on loan from God, just for me to raise for His glory. So if that was the case, he must love them far more than I do (although how that's even remotely possible, I don't know, causing me to never quite believe that). I surrendered my baby to him that night. I felt such calm after that, that when that night I began bleeding so much that I began to feel faint from the loss of blood, I didn't fear. I knew I could trust Him, that if He felt I was up to losing yet another baby, I could do it. I didn't bleed any more after that and I went on to have a healthy baby. When we surrender our plans and fears to God, He does such wonders in our lives. I know this was a lot about me, but I wanted to share this experience with you to hopefully encourage you in your faith and trust in God. My prayers will continue with you and your family.

  12. Your thoughts that you have posted remind me very much of my own. Sometimes it startles me some of the thoughts that run through my head, like maybe we should go ahead and buy another plot just in case we would need it. I think of stuff that would have never crossed my mind before.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes