It just dawned on me why today is a hard Rachel day... the hundreds of back to school posts... Rachel would be 5. She'd be in kindergarten this year. Yeah, I'd probably be sad if I was sending her off to school. I get that. I'm a crier. But wow, I'd give anything to be sad in the can't-believe-my-baby-is-growing-up kind of way. It sure beats the can't-believe-my-daughter-is-dead tears that even plague my tears of joy watching Eden and her siblings grow. I'm thankful for a heavenly perspective, but some days I just wish I could go back to the simpler days where watching them grow was the most "sadness" I knew as a mom. Where today, I would post a picture of my 5yo, holding one of those signs like everyone does now.. big smile, new dress, pretty shoes in a size 5, backpack on.... I miss her. God, I miss her.
Shortly after that, one of my favorite songs came on the radio and I called the kids in to dance and sing with me. I had Ezra for the first song... Lauren Daigle...
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you