So, I felt better, leaving her spot looking clean and loved... and here I am almost a month later and haven't been back once to take care of it... so I know it's looking yucky again and it's weighing on me. I was going to go this morning, but I ended up coming back home because I needed to rest and car rides tend to put me in serious pain these days.
Continued prayer for my poly and pain levels and also for the baby's safe arrival are appreciated. I also covet your prayers for my heart and mind. These days are hard every year, but this year is feeling especially heavy as I await Rachel's youngest sibling's arrival... and I'm starting to get the feeling that year 5 just might have been a hard one anyway. I'm missing so much with her. :(
I'm actually starting to wonder if it ever will be consistently easier.... I have moments of 'easy' but 'hard' always returns and honestly, I'm pretty tired of it. I'm worn out from the hard. I just want easy.... like life was like before I knew any of this pain. I am tired of feeling so broken.. and even more tired of feeling like I can't be put back together. Tired of knowing how impossible it is to replace her or to mend the places in my heart where her absence is felt.
I know I have seen great and amazing healing throughout the last 5 years and I'm thankful for that. God has been more than good to me and provided more than I deserve. I just wasn't prepared for the permanently broken aspect of this journey. It was easier to handle when I was naive enough to think it was temporary, like the rest of the world often believes about grief. But it's not. It's permanent. I still believe it has a beautiful purpose in God's plan for my life... but I just wish I didn't have to endure it.