After all I went through early on in this pregnancy with local doctors and with insurance - to finally feel relief and comfortable with the landing under Dr. Pinette's care, I went in for my last appointment with a lot of concerns I needed to address with him to find I had to see someone else. This someone else is a new guy who... how should I put it... shouldn't be a doctor. That's the absolute nicest way I can say how I feel about my short time with him. It was awful. Maybe he'll get better with experience, but yikes.
So then the nurse came in to schedule me for my next apt and I said I didn't want to see him again and she told me that I wouldn't be able to see Pinette anymore because he's on a different assignment now... and since I'm on the high risk side of the office, I don't get to pick who I see and that they can't even guarantee I won't get stuck with that guy. I started crying and cried the whole way home.
And then my EKG I had that day came back abnormal. I have been having a lot of heart issues again and last Sunday spent the night in the ER again - getting blown off by another bad doctor. I swear unless you are an old man, Dr's don't take heart problems seriously. Maine Med had referred me to the cardiologist after my EKG and I went for my appointment on Monday and he didn't even have the EKG that I was being sent there to review and blew me off saying "We both know there is no reason for you to be here" (as if I have time to go to unnecessary apt's??) And there is nothing they do for pregnant or nursing people anyway so call them in a year and a half when I'm done nursing and we can talk medication and scan my carotid artery again (it's 50% blocked which he didn't know until I told him bc he apparently didn't have time to read my chart before entering the room). I asked if he could look at the EKG I had that was abnormal from before I was pregnant and he said "They must not have sent it over". When I told him that HIS OFFICE did the EKG, he said "it must not have been scanned in, and wouldn't make excuses for technology, but it didn't matter anyway". Then he asked how many kids I have and said "you have mostly boys, right?" (not sure how he knew that) and asked me if this was my last baby and I said yes to which he replied "Unless it's another boy?"
Is this guy serious?? He doesn't want to talk about my heart issues, track down my EKG - or even take the reason I'm there seriously - but he wants to analyze why I have so many kids, which he apparently thinks is because I'm trying for a girl? First of all, I have TWO girls already. Second of all, it's sort of none of his business. Third of all, I'm about tired of everyone on the planet assuming that I would only have another baby for something as shallow as needing a certain gender. (try walking into the grocery store as me... it's sickening how many times people ask me if I'm trying for a girl!!) I would love another girl, but I will absolutely LOVE another boy. I have 7 children because God has blessed me with the exact little humans that He wants me to have - or miss - while I'm here on earth. Might not fit this guy's picture of the "American Dream" (one girl, one boy, two jobs, a big house and expensive cars) but my dream has more to do with bringing home a living child that I get to raise, regardless of what's between it's legs. I'm wondering why my insurance company needs to pay him for that visit? I'm sure it wasn't cheap.
So, to put it MILDLY... I was totally DONE with doctors. They are a joke and the one doctor I've found who actually puts his brain to use in his profession I've now been told I can't see.... in the middle of a lot of concerning things that nobody else wants to pay attention to.
I was going to just cancel my appointment for yesterday at Maine Med - but since I've been feeling so abnormally tired, I decided that I should go since it was my blood work and diabetes screening day. I had enough conversations with the nurses leading up to this appointment that everyone was well aware of how unhappy I am about this new set up.
I went in for my ultrasound and it went well. I didn't watch much bc it's getting harder for me to not see the gender since I've had hundreds of ultrasounds in my life and can read them well... but I have it on a flash drive to watch later and the tech was super nice. She gave me some cute chubby cheek pictures, which have me seriously staring at them nonstop since I left there. I am so in love... I have *cute* kids. This baby looks a lot like Asa!!
Then I met with the nurse, who gently prepared me for the other new doctor... she said "Give her a chance, I think you'll like her." and I was like "Well, she can't be any worse than the other dude...if you told me anyone liked him, I wouldn't believe you." (hormones remove my filter which is why I tend to hibernate while pregnant - but she laughed so I think she agrees... just saying.) I then let her know that, after this appointment, I didn't plan to come back unless I needed to be seen until I went into labor. And that was my plan. No more appointments just so they can make money and I can be dragged through the mud and waste my days anymore.
The doctor came in (and I did like her - Thank You, Lord!) and we started going thru my list of concerns. She listened and answered them thoughtfully and seemed to actually know what she was talking about. (should that be rare?) First up, I had written to ask her about my fluid. I have just gotten so big this past month and between struggling to breathe and how I feel - and how HEAVY my belly is - I had a feeling I had too much. Sure enough.... the ultrasound showed that I have Polyhydramnios (poly) again like with Rachel.
With Rachel, poly was extremely painful for me. So this probably explains why my back is on fire again. It also explains why I can't breathe when I lay down and why I'm so big. It was also my biggest concern with Rachel as far as making it to her birthday without going into early labor because the risks of premature labor are very high with poly. There are a few risks that I'm better off not knowing, but do - like placenta abruption, cord prolapse and stillbirth... With Rachel though, the fluid built up because she wasn't swallowing and the Dr. said that there is nothing wrong with this baby, that this is just a fluke thing that will hopefully stay under control long enough to get the baby safely here.
I think I believe her that the baby is ok - and yet I'm just wondering why everything has to be *so* much like Rachel's pregnancy?? The time of year, the ages of my kids, the drives, the complications.... I thought I was going to like it lining up with Rachel's dates, but I was so naive. It's so hard. So much harder than I expected. I feel like I'm reliving it, except without knowing my baby is going to die.... and yet the constant reminder that my baby DID die.
But unlike people who have never buried a child, I can't just tell myself it won't happen to me again and believe that - because I know the fact is, I could leave the hospital again without my baby - even if I don't know it's coming. And the hard part for me is that preterm labor and placenta abruption are the two big concerns I've had since I found out I was pregnant and if you have talked to me about how I feel, I'm sure I've said one or the other to you in the last 6 months. I've been asking them to check if my placenta was attached right since I was 9 weeks along when they couldn't even see it yet. I struggle with the knowing that God prepares us for trials by getting our minds and hearts ready for them. These are not fears that I have had in other pregnancies so I have a hard time not feeling like I'm being prepared. And I don't want to be prepared, I want to have - and keep - my baby.
The other aspect of this that just seriously complicated my life, is that I now have to travel (and find sitters for all day trips) weekly to Maine Med. So my plan of no more appointments... yep, that isn't possible. And not only do I still have to go, but I have to go every week. The fact that a Maine trip takes up an entire day is bad enough because I don't have time or energy, but it also costs me around $20 in gas... and we don't have it. It's all just overwhelming. Hard to believe it's happening, really. I know God will provide, but wow.... And the trips... Rachel is on my mind the whole way. This time of year is her time and making the Maine trips - those are her roads... it's so complicated in my heart.
When she said I had to come back weekly, I knew I did because I've dealt with poly before and know how quickly it can go bad - so I didn't debate her like she was probably expecting, but I did feel like I might seriously need a short stay at the crazy farm! I'm already so busy and so drained!
I got my gestational diabetes test back today and, thankfully, I don't have it so that's not the cause of the fluid build up. That's good news because that would definitely not help me get to full term. So they will scan me each week and we'll pray baby stays in there and healthy, that the thing they found on his heart truly isn't worrisome and that this fluid thing isn't because of something wrong with him... and that (s)he comes home to be with us at Christmas time. I'm feeling a bit nervous that I will end up having him/her on Rachel's birthday. I really don't want to share her day with anyone.... the 4th would be okay though... it's a Friday ♥ I'm also nervous about my water breaking or having any bleeding (placenta issues) while I'm at home since I would never make the drive to Maine Med on my 7th delivery. As a general rule, once my water breaks I have 30 minutes or less until the baby is born. And rumor has it when you get to #7, they only come faster... the drive is over an hour... So I would love prayer that my water won't break before I'm at the hospital.
As of yesterday, baby was measuring 2lbs 15oz and in the 76th percentile. I do love being able to see what is changing in there. I have been feeling pretty detached from this pregnancy because it's just been so hard - not just because of pregnancy itself, although I'm definitely feeling my age, this was MUCH easier in my 20's without a full house! - but the stuff going on in my life through these past couple of months while I've been pregnant...
But I have to say seeing these chubby cheeks and squishy face makes me smile... I can't wait to hold this little (big) one. Each and every life is a gift, no matter how small or how long they are here. And every baby is a true piece of the mama, from day one. I remain amazed at how intricately made each life is and how amazing a gift each one who makes it home from the hospital is. In a world where thousands of people take that for granted every day as they leave with full arms, happy hearts, and carseats buckled around tiny bodies, I will never - could never - forget that there are also thousands who leave broken hearted with empty carseats. And I will never forget the day I did... which only makes the days since Rachel where I have left with my babies all the more monumental.
I hope this is another one of those times.
Some people wondered how I could be so sad to lose a baby I didn't spend my days with - but oh, how mamas love their babies so long before they are ever born. Even having experienced it, I can't explain it or understand it, but it's so real and so huge that I'm not sure anything else in life compares to the love a mother has for her child from conception. Rachel was my child before she was born. She is my child now. And this little chubba wubba is my child too and always will be.
And I love this baby more than life itself.
|this one reminds me SO much of Rachel's 20 week picture. ♥|
|hands near face|