I got to the end of the song and the end of my 15 minute workout at the same time. I looked on the computer to see how many floors I went.... 43. I smiled. It reminded me of how hard I worked to get those 43 minutes with her. And just as I looked, it switched to 44 - I felt sad. The album ended and the first song started playing again.... It's called "Ready to fly away" and says:
"There's a feather in my hair and a wing around my neck I'm read to fly away
And I've got the wishes from all of my friends.
Hugs and kisses from my mom and my dad.
There's a feather in my hair and a wing around my neck I'm ready to fly away"
That's the whole song. I teared up and as I walked downstairs thinking of how she 'flew away in that 44th minute" and I was being really hard on myself thinking "He wanted her... she was ready to go....who am I to ask any different?"
I walked into the nursery to pick up the kids and as I opened the door, this little girl, 2 years old, purple dress and purple bow in her wispy blonde hair came running up to me and yelled "Mama!!"
I was so caught off guard, I didn't notice Sam had followed suit and was holding onto my leg... I started crying right there in the nursery.
Who am I?? I'm a Mama and my girl is gone.
That scene, from the songs that played, the number of floors I climbed and the little girl calling me Mama, has plagued my mind for days. I've thought about blogging it a bunch, but it was so emotional, I didn't think my words could do it justice and since obviously that little girl isn't Rachel, I felt weird.
Well, I've been back on that stair stepper 2 more times before today - both for longer periods of time. Today I was so tired and had such a full plate that I cut it short again. My MP3 player picks up where I leave off on songs, but I've been listening to the same album for a couple of weeks every time I go. I go pretty much every day, so the music is always different and not consistent as to where I start or stop. But today when I neared the end of my workout, I almost died when I noticed I was back on that same song... and as I finished (AGAIN!!!) I was at 43 floors... and the "Ready to fly" song came on as I cooled off and went down stairs....
Except today there was no little girl who greeted me with "Mama!"
Yes, maybe here on earth, when another little girl Rachel's age calls me Mama (or I even just see a girl her age) it hurts... but I know the day I enter heaven, that will be the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I think of His arms and I know He has her. And I know He has me. So, there in His arms is the closest I can ever be to her here.
I truly feel like the purpose for those two identical workouts happening, without any way for that to make sense, was so I would feel the difference.... The difference between being reunited with the ones I love - and silence. I walked out of that gym so thankful for Jesus. And maybe to some that sounds wacky, but to me....
Well, I can't wait to hear her voice. See her run to me. Feel her touch. Answer her call... "Mama!"
I will scoop her up and say "I missed you so much" and I think she'll probably say "I know... but you weren't alone"