Serious Love

Des went with my dad and niece to the American Girl store yesterday.  She was up at 4am she was so excited.  That doesn't even happen on Christmas morning.  I watched her pull away and my fears started to set in.  I dismissed them.

I went to the gym and turned my MP3 player on...  'Somehow' it had been left on just long enough to be right at the beginning of "I will carry you" on Rachel's album.  I unclipped it from me to change it, took a deep breath and hooked it back to my tank top and started singing.  I won't be afraid to miss you girl  I said in my heart.  I don't need to run from you, avoid feelings about you, or even keep myself from crying. 

I guess I've bought into the lie.... I 'should be' over it by now.....But avoiding Rachel will not heal my heart.  In fact, it does the opposite.

I looked up on the screen at the front of the gym as the sweat began to build up on my forehead....  One car crash after another on the news.  I kept imagining myself as I got the news that she got into an accident and was being rushed to the hospital... and then I could see myself standing in the hospital falling to my knees as I heard she didn't make it.  I pictured our spots in the cemetery and wondered how we'd all fit there.... would I need to buy another lot?  Would I just have our stone sanded down and put all our names?  What about the boys?  Will I have so many losses before I ever even die that I end up being buried somewhere else?

And I think this is bad? I wondered.... What if it gets worse?  What if my big girl never comes home?  Does she believe in Jesus?  I mean, for real?  She knows about Him, but does she have a saving Knowledge and belief in what He did on the cross?  Is He really in her heart?  Will she go to heaven like Rachel? 

Why don't I hold her hand more often?

I snapped back to reality... I'm just on an elliptical... she's okay, she's having fun, she's safe... that is "somebody else".... It's used to always be "somebody else."

She can't come back soon enough. I thought.

And then "Sing to the King" came on...  and if you are ever tired during a workout, I highly recommend this song... I'm telling you, my machine wasn't moving as fast as my body wanted to.  I was pumped. :o)  There is a part in the middle that says "I want you to picture this for a moment.... and it goes into the chorus.... 

For His returning we watch and we pray...
We will be ready the dawn of that day...
We'll join in signing with all the redeemed...
Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King!!!

In God's perfect timing, He gave me a different vision for my mind in that moment.  It was as if He Himself was saying 'don't picture that, picture this".  I'd love to say that I didn't have that thought again for the rest of the day, but it's not true.  I hate the fact that I know that MY kids' names can end up on a headstone before I die... but I do.  It doesn't mean I don't trust God, I know He would carry me just the same as He did with Rachel.... what it does mean is that I am painfully aware that His ways are not my ways and that I don't always like His plan.  But I do trust it.


I'm not sure if I've blogged this before, but every time I hear in that song "We'll join in signing with all the redeemed", I get the biggest, funniest looking smile on my face and all I can think about is singing with Rachel in heaven cause she has been redeemed. I can't wait.  This is also a song I had as the background song for quite a while on my blog while I was pregnant.  I found such hope in this - and boy did I sing..... God, I'm so grateful for how you helped me to sing and dance with her...for You.


I lifted my hand (and Rachel's handprint) to God, not even caring if anyone in that gym thought I was crazy, and all I could think was....

Jesus can't come back soon enough either.

In fact, I was begging Him to come back.

Later on I found myself in tears telling a friend about how Des being gone had affected me.  I hate this constant battle in my heart and mind.  I hate how real it can feel.  I miss the days when I didn't think any of this could happen to me.  I hate being afraid.  And I hate the reality that life here is not guaranteed to go how we hope or plan. 

But I am so grateful that life there in heaven is guaranteed for all who believe in the name of Jesus.  In an uncertain world with so much pain, I'm glad that heaven and the promise in Jesus never changes.  If that were not the case, I wouldn't even be able to let my kids leave my side.  I continuously have to turn them over to Him... Rachel included... and know and believe that He loves them even more than I do - if you can believe that.  That's a pretty serious love.

I was on the way to go visit Rachel for another Friday visit when my dad said he was on his way home with the girls, so they met me there.  There will always be one girl missing from every 'girly' photo I take. I'm so thankful for every moment I get with the ones I have.