Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Dress


I've sat to write this post 3 times already.

Last night I stared at the blank screen for a long time and didn't write a single word.  I think there should probably be 3-4 different posts here - if only I had the time... the drive... the mental energy.

I'm sure if you've been around awhile, you've heard of *the* dress I had that I wanted to put Rachel in.  I bought it the week before her diagnosis when Des and I went out for my birthday.  It was on clearance for $1 and I had no idea if it was a girl yet, but the price was right.  I brought it home, and hung it on a nail that was already in my wall in my livingroom.


The next week, we got her diagnosis and when I got home from that ultrasound, this dress was the first thing I saw when I walked into the livingroom... right before I saw Desirae's 7 year old smile, waiting to hear if she was getting a sister.

That dress hung there for a lonnnng time.  I can't remember how long exactly, but it was her entire pregnancy and a long time after.  Through my pregnancy, I would look at it every time I entered the room and say to myself "Hope does not disappoint us."  It was what I held onto... that maybe - just maybe - she'd be healed and one day wear that dress.

Of course, she never did.  It hung on this wall as she died in my arms and hour away from home, never to see our home with her own eyes.

Eventually, I took it down.  The nail remained there as a reminder that God had graced me with so much hope throughout that entire time... impossible without Him... but one day I hung a picture of me holding her in the OR on it.

In the beginning of my pregnancy with Eden, God continuously called me to face my fears and "step out of the boat".  I wrote a few posts about that early on... about just how hard it was for me to be pregnant at all, let alone with another Christmas baby and with all my health issues.  One day right around that time, Sam came home from church with a project on Jesus calming the storm.  I hung it with the photo because I can't think of another time in my life that Jesus brought calm and peace in the most unexpected of places than in that delivery room as I watched her die.   And if He can do that there, it's possible anywhere.
 
of course this is #1243 in my photos ♥

time stamp... 12:03 ♥
If you know me, I'm not one to hang random stuff around my house.  I'm pretty into my decor looking put together.  So this nail has consistently held things that seem out of place, that only my heart really gets.

Almost 2 years ago, we moved a bunch of our stuff to a friend's attic so we could put our house on the market (again).  I put all of Rachel's stuff into a couple of big totes and even moved her hope chest out of here to make the house more spacious for showings.  I went back for her hope chest that year on her birthday - I couldn't stand not having it here.  But the other tote I left.  I actually forgot about it.  Until Eden came along.

In that tote, there was a big plastic bag with things I had for Rachel, most of which she didn't ever get to use.  The things she actually wore I had here, but I had a lot of clothes I never got to put on her...  and in that bag was *the* dress.

I sat here yesterday afternoon, looking through the bag, with Eden laying next to me... such a wide range of emotions.  I found the first outfit I planned to put Rachel in that my friend Harlee bought for her.  It was that day that she said "I guess purple will be her color!"  She bought it in October I think, and it had a bunny on it.  Odd timing for a bunny, but I didn't realize it until I pulled it out yesterday, just before Easter.  It is too small to fit Eden and never would have (and it was too small for Rachel, which is why she never wore it)... but then I found a little bunny blanket.  I had two of those - but I buried her with her lamb and kept the other lamb, so I didn't use these.  I gave one to Harlee for her daughter who was born just a couple weeks after Rachel and I kept the other.  As soon as I saw it, I knew it was going to be Eden's Easter gift from Rachel...
photo courtesy of Asa :)  and when I looked at the time stamp - 11:10  

I pulled out all of the clothes, hoping something would still be able to go on Eden, but most of it was up to 3 months and she is wearing 3-6 or 6 month clothes already.  I felt a little crazy as I laid out all the things I had for Rachel... all the things I had put into a tote that I was never going to be able to use, but couldn't get rid of.  And did I really think there was a chance I'd need that much for her??  I don't know....

But as I went through it, I realized that there were quite a few things with cupcakes on them.  Some were things my sister's friend Colleen gave me second hand, and one thing I bought.


I didn't remember that at all, but when I saw them, I realized someone else 'happened to be' sporting some cupcakes that day under her sleeper on the day I happened to go through these...
this was handed down from someone else!!
After over an hour of going through this stuff (including her scrapbook I started when I was pregnant with Asa and never touched again), I felt drained.  I guess I started to question what in the world am I doing holding onto these clothes that Rachel never wore, never would - and her siblings never would and they only take up space.  For what?  Why is everything so complicated?

And that's the feeling I was left with for the day - and the one that had me at a complete loss for how to write this post... it is that feeling that makes me question why I even still blog.  Is it possibly still helping anyone?  Does it help me?  Who is it for?  Does Rachel care?  Is my life now relevant to Rachel's Legacy?

So, as I sat there, holding Eden with the white screen in front of me, I got the urge to put her in the dress.  I had washed it earlier in the day.  I looked up at the clock and it was 10:27 ♥   For the next half hour, late in the night and alone with my 3rd little girl, I finally put a baby in *the* dress.  It's funny how I never noticed it had daisies on it until long after Rachel was gone, but it does.


She's either wondering why I'm taking pictures in the middle of the night or hoping I'm not taking her out of the house without pants - LOL

Not much of a 'dress' on this chubba wubba, but if I put some pants on under it, it will make a super cute shirt for a super cute little sister ♥

I got her back in her PJ's and nursed her to sleep...  I hate that I never had any of those late night, just me & her times with Rachel.  These are the most precious hours with my babies.  But after she went to sleep, I was having trouble sleeping.  I was thinking about the tag on the dress... it was a "Faded Glory" brand from Walmart.

Faded Glory... I wondered if the reason I stare at blank screens is because Rachel's Legacy is fading.  I wondered if maybe my words are hard to come by because I'm not the same writer with the same purpose, bringing the same glory to God.

I looked at the tag again and saw that the size said for up to 43cm.  I picked up the dress and looked at the tag inside the diaper cover. (I never realized this was a two piece, I always thought it was connected!)  It said "Rally Blue".  I don't know what made me look up the word "rally", but I did.  I looked in many different places because it has a few different meanings, but here are a few...

  • Use rally to describe that last push to finish a difficult something.  When you hit that last mile in the race and are so tired you want to quit, that's when you rally, finding strength to pick up the pace."
  • A marked recovery of strength or spirits during an illness
  • Return to a former condition
  • A quick or marked recovery after a period of weakness
  • To bring together again in order to keep fighting 
  • To rouse from depression or weakness 

 **Here I am again... another day has passed since I started this post.... I just can't get my thoughts out and it's kind of frustrating trying.  It's never been so hard for me to write before!  anyway....

We had missed our usual Good Friday visit with Rachel and so we went today.  We had to clear off some of her decor, per new cemetery rules... so we did that and we had a picnic there.  The kids played for a couple of hours and had a blast.  Me, Des & Eden went for a walk around the 'block' there together.  It was a nice afternoon together.

I tried to do our annual Good Friday photo, but boy is it hard to get a good photo with all these kids!  It's neat to see our family grow with each Good Friday shot though.



I also had Eden wear the dress...



♥ sisters ♥


I guess the reason I have such a hard time blogging these days is because I have a hard time making complete stories out of my thoughts.  And for days, this dress - and all that it meant in July 2010 through until today - has been on my mind constantly... trying to figure out what God is wanting me to hear.

I sat above the spot where my sweet Rachel's body lay, holding her little sister in her dress.  And I know that God is healing me though all these little earthly 'rallies'.  I do feel like this year, I hit a whole new bottom in my life - with all the changes that we've had in our home from Matt's job, to the kids going to school, to both of my grandfather's dying within 6 months of each other... Once again, I was brought to a place of brokenness that has led me to such sweet surrender.  A place where I needed my God more and where He revealed so much I needed to know about myself to become more like Him.

And here... just as things in all other areas of my life seem to be turning around... I found Rachel's clothes and the dress.  And it is the only thing of Rachel's that fits Eden when I did.  The one piece of clothing that continuously hurt that it remained empty... and today, it's not.

I do feel like I have been given a renewed strength and am ready to pick up the pace.  Except not in ways I would have expected.  Not in a Martha kind of way... but in a Mary kind of way.  God has put so many things on my heart for the days ahead.  Slow... relational...meaningful...purposeful days with my husband and the 6 children He has given me to watch over here on earth.  And this rally hasn't come as a result of Eden joining our family - but instead, I believe that God already knew I would be in this place when He sent her to be with me at this particular time in our lives.

He's so good.  I'm so thankful.  And I can't wait to celebrate Easter - and the truth that Jesus Christ conquered the grave!!  It's the greatest day in history...  It's the reason I'll see her again - and why I can trust Him with the details between now and then.

Thank You for the cross, my Lord.


Monday, March 14, 2016

I Go Without

For the first few years after Rachel died, I would lay down at night hoping that I wouldn't dream of her...

As a general rule, I was afraid to lay down at night because my mind had no distractions and would automatically land on Rachel - and usually I would cry.  I'm not sure why I feared crying at night so much... maybe because it feels lonely to cry in the dark....?   Maybe because things hurt more when there is nothing between your heart and the silence...?  I don't know, but I know others can probably relate.

I have had only one dream with Rachel in it since the scary dreams I had before we got her diagnosis.  It was in 2011 and I woke up feeling comforted, but a little sad.  You can read it HERE 

Still, I was afraid to dream of her.  I would ask God when I laid down to not let me dream of her because I was afraid it would either be scary or make me miss her more.  I am not usually one who tries to avoid feeling things - but this has been a consistent fear of mine - to dream of her and wake up hurting more than I already did.

Some time last year, I started to ask God to allow me to dream of her again.  I asked him specifically to let me meet her in my dreams.... I felt ready to feel what that might bring.  I was hoping He might give me a glimpse of her face... a moment of her laughter... a peek into her life...  I was hoping He might show me who she is in heaven... what she looks like... sounds like... I was hoping to feel like she wasn't dead... like she was a normal, healthy kid who never left me... like she'll be when I see her again.  I wasn't wanting my mind to bring me to Rachel in my sleep, but rather was hoping that God himself would hijack my dreams and show me her heavenly beauty.

Last Friday, I had a dream about Rachel.

This dream, though, was nothing that I had asked for... nothing I had longed for... nothing I have wanted to remember - and yet I can't get the thing out of my mind.  It's haunted me for the last 10 days.

In my dream, I told Matt I had some of Eden's clothes that I wanted to put on Rachel... so we went and dug her up.  In my dream, this was a totally normal thing to do.  We dug her up and put a board over her hole so that nobody would fall into it and then brought her home and put an outfit on her.  I'm not sure why the outfit was so specific, but it was a white sleeper that my Aunt bought for her that has little bikes, flowers, a girl and a puppy... and a touch of sparkle... but nothing pink or purple at all.  That surprises me since it's always the girly stuff that makes me wish I could have dressed her up...

I was sitting back in the hospital bed and Matt was holding her and held her up for me to see it.  I got disappointed and I said it was too small for her.  I said "She's grown since we buried her... we'll have to get a bigger size."  She looked just like Eden, but a little bigger.  We decided to keep her with us for the night so we could get her some bigger clothes.

Matt wanted to put her in Eden's sleep rocker... and this is part that bothers me.... I got grossed out.  I was like "I know she's Rachel, but she *has* been dead for 5 years and she is deteriorating and must have germs all over her."  Matt said "It'll be fine, I'll wipe her up." as he started to wipe her hands with baby wipes and her skin was coming off with the dirt.  I got really upset and said "You can't put her on that, I don't want her to get Eden sick.  Please... just go put her back in her grave.  I won't be able to sleep unless I know she is safely buried again and won't touch any of Eden's things"   He agreed and we went back to bury her again... But we couldn't find her grave.  In its place instead was my Grandpa's grave, but even that was hidden under this cement covering.   We went to a community building to try to find a shovel so we could dig her grave again and instead we found these large music makers - like the ones behind the rainbow on her Ark Playground.

And that is all I remember.  We dug up our dead baby, dressed her in clothes too small, wouldn't let her touch any of Eden's things, got to see my Grandpa's grave (hard one because he was supposed to be buried on the same family plot that Rachel is, but plans changed after he died so his grave there remains empty), I didn't hold her, I saw no life in her at all... and I woke up before I knew where her body was being kept.

Last night I was at JCPenny's and I saw the sleeper... and my heart skipped a beat.  I found myself staring at this outfit, touching it and trying to figure out why it made its way into my dream.  I hadn't even put it on Eden yet in real life.  I lifted it up and the shirt that comes with it says "I love kisses from Mommy."  My heart sank...

I have lots of thoughts on what pieces of this dream could mean... what they could be referring to... where the idea might have come from... what fears/regrets/sadness might have been floating around in my head to make the dream go the way it did... but mostly, it just makes me really sad.

The next night, I wanted to sleep with her blanket really bad - I looked over and Eden was sound asleep wrapped in it... and I had to go without.

And I guess that feeling right there is the overall memory from that dream... the feeling of her being gone... of all the things I long to see and asked of God in my dream because I long to know them... to know her... to hear, see, feel, love her... to kiss her again....

But I have to go without.


Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Amazon Smile Donations

You can support our non profit just by shopping on Amazon Smile.  They give a percentage of what you spend to Baby Rachel's Legacy when you pick it as your charity.

Here is a link if you are interested!

https://smile.amazon.com/ch/45-2470352

Thanks!

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Healing Balm

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this or not, but we decided long before Eden was born that we would not be having visitors for a while after I gave birth.  Mostly, this was because we've done this enough times to know that the first couple of weeks, rest and bonding time is crucial for healing and milk supply - and also sets us up for how the next few MONTHS will go - long after everyone else goes home.  We've done this enough times to know that visiting can be so draining and we're smart enough to know that 6 kids at home to take care of is no small task and rest would be necessary if I was going to be able to take it on.  So, despite some backlash, we set a boundary that many didn't like, but most were good about respecting.  Thank you for that.  It was a great help to us.

After Eden's scare on the 26th, I got even more serious about protecting her from germs and the drives to the hospital and back constantly really wore me out.  So once we were home for good, I didn't want to leave.

It got to be February and I still hadn't decorated or shoveled Rachel's grave and it was wearing on me.  I called my friend Ellen who lives near Rachel's cemetery and asked her if she would go with me to clean it up because it was getting dark and I don't like being there at night alone.  She did and so we went and took care of it, star gazed a bit, talked a lot,  and then I went to her house for awhile after.

She has a grandson she takes care of who was born on Rachel's birthday, same day, same year.  Since they live near Rachel's spot, I see them walking there often and have seen her a few times over the last 5 years pushing him in a stroller near Rachel's grave.  I always look and think that's how big she would be...

Ellen introduced him to me again and he very quickly responded "I love you Mrs. Aube!" which was the best thing I had heard all day. ♥  And, well, he was absolutely in love with Eden... and so when he asked to hold her, even though the only other person to hold her had been my mom (because she spent a night with us at the hospital when Eden got sent back to Maine), I couldn't say no.

He's far from looking like Rachel would... being a boy and all :)  But I could just imagine her holding her little sister and how in love she would be with her.  He was very honored to know he got to hold her first...



There are so many things along this journey with my sweet Christmas baby Eden Joy that I don't think I could have handled if I had another Christmas girl any sooner.  The timing of her arrival is just right for all these amazing moments to be moments that heal my heart just a little more each time.  Emotion comes at times when nobody else would guess it's that complicated in my heart - it's been that way all along - except more often now, the complication helps soothe the parts of my heart that would suddenly sting before without having any way of relief... It's as if Eden brought with her a healing balm for every sting, every sore spot on my heart or mind, every scar left from wounds being reopened... and just having her with me applies that heavenly balm to the exact place I'll need it, just when I do.  The pain still exists, the wounds and scars still there... I still fall apart at times.  But if there was ever a time when I felt that God was able to use the things that I'm experiencing with another child of mine to relieve some of the pain of what I'm missing with Rachel - it is now.  It is Eden Joy.  It has never been so...  this.... so... Perfect.  But it is now and I'm so, so thankful.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Here's My Heart

I think you all know that I've always homeschooled my kids...  and I have mentioned briefly that this past September, I put my two oldest in a Christian school - not because I really wanted to, but more because I felt like I needed to for a few reasons.  I was hoping it would bring me relief in the pressure I feel, but I just don't think that's possible with a family my size and with the ages of our children at the moment.  About a month ago, I put Sam in public school because I have felt for a few years now that he has special needs of some sort and this year, with the new baby coming, I wasn't able to give him my all and thought the public school system would have the resources to figure out what Sam needs.

And although I know all of this needed to happen this year - and I will always do what I feel best for my kids, even if it hurts my pride - I hate it.

Our homeschool is called Undivided Hearts Academy... I named it with the verse from Psalm 86:11 in mind... Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name....  In reference to our homeschool, this meant to me that we homeschool to learn HIS ways and that by learning His ways, we learn to rely on Him - and by relying on Him, we find that he is always faithful and we remain in Him and fear Him - and the Bible says that the beginning of WISDOM is the fear of the Lord.  And I homeschooled my kids so they would become wise.  Not just book smart.

Also in the heart of that name for me. was the idea that we would not be divided.  We would be together... together physically, but also on the same page spiritually. And even Rachel was one with us because in Christ nothing - not even death - can separate us.

Every day since September I have questioned my decision.  Every day I have regretted at least once that I wasn't able to make the vision I had for my family a reality for them... for us... for God...

This past few weeks I have really been seeking God on this.  I've talked to other homeschool moms of large families on how they did it - and even tested the waters with the kids on the topic of returning to homeschool next year, but I have asked God a million times what I should do.  I just don't want to have any regrets... The pros and cons list seems obvious - but there is a part of me that envisions next year being home with just Eden and fool myself into thinking that the ability to get my house clean and feel more "put together" or whatever would somehow fulfill me.  I've bought into some of the lies that I've heard along the way... the way the world/society wants us to feel... we aren't capable of teaching our kids... we aren't enough... I can't do right by them... that I am selling them short...

I can't say I won't mess up a hundred times a day.  But I can't say I don't with them IN school either.  All I know is that when they are all here, my heart feels right.  And when they aren't, it doesn't. I know that the things they come home telling me - almost every single day - are things that make my heart swell with concern for theirs.  I know that the one hope I had was that if we all had some time apart, our relationships would be better, is totally opposite of what has happened.  But on the flip side of that, I know that God sees what I can't and that He uses EVERYTHING.  I just need to trust Him when I don't know all the answers.

So today, all of my kids were sick - except Eden so far, thank God - They picked up this horrible cold that comes with high fevers and upper respiratory problems.  I spent the day cleaning, disinfecting, trying to get them to eat, and rotating Tylenol and Ibuprofen all day.  But they were all here and we were undivided... and we had an awesome day...  we connected.

A few weeks ago, I went out shopping on a night I was missing Rachel really bad and totally overwhelmed with Matt's work schedule leaving me home alone with all the responsibilities for 70 hours that week.  I picked up two Yankee Candles that were on sale to satisfy my attempt at retail therapy.  On the way to the checkout, I stopped to look at this "You are my sunshine" sign I saw and I dropped the "Sun and Sand" one and it shattered everywhere.  Everyone looked... and there I was - the exhausted, lonely, grieving mom... out late at night buying discount candles because the distance I feel within my family since Matt's new job started and the kids started school 6 weeks after that is excruciating and it was less painful to just be alone.

I was in my bathroom cleaning today and I had lit the other candle... I don't often light candles because with boys, it's not safe, but I was knee deep in laundry and cleaning pee off the toilet so I was in there awhile.  Like every other day, my mind was going over all the pros and cons of homeschool... how I could do this without failing them... wondering where on earth my confidence went with all of this...  praying that if I go ahead and do what I feel I'm supposed to do, rather than what sounds easier, that I won't mess them up forever - and really just trying to figure out if it's God telling me this - or just me having a hard time with my kids growing up....

I finished up (my bathroom looks *amazing* right now!) and went to blow out the candle and noticed a heart dancing around.  I did a double take to be sure I wasn't seeing things... I went to grab my camera, assuming it would be gone when I got back, but it  wasn't.  Sam came in and said "Hey look, there's a heart!" - we watched it together in awe - a moment I would have totally missed with him had he been in school today.

I don't know about you, but I've never seen a candle burn like that. This photo is not edited at all - except to add Rachel's name to it.  A heart?!  I watched it for quite awhile and as it separated and came back together, forming a perfect heart once more, I just wondered if I truly believe it when I say my God is faithful?  Do I believe it when I say He is more than enough?  Do I believe it when I say that Hope in Him anchors my soul?  Do I believe that if He calls me to something that He will equip me for it?  Do I believe He is still listening... still there... still working... even when I can't hear Him?  And do I trust Him enough to wait on Him?  Do I believe, that if God changes my role in the lives of my children, that even if it hurts, that He knows what He is doing?  Do I believe that He can cover all of my failures in their lives?

Today I read Proverbs 31 and was challenged by the verse that says she laughs at the days to come... in other words, she didn't fear the future. At all.  I want to be that part of the Proverbs 31 woman.  I want to pour myself into my home and the loves that fill it up so full and do everything I can to make this place a haven for them - to make sure they know that I love them and will take care of them...that they are safe with me... to show them how our Father in heaven loves us... without fear... and I don't think I can ever fully do that if I'm out of step with God's call on my life.

Now I need to just figure out if that call has changed... or if I'm just fighting it because somewhere deep down, I don't feel adequate for the position.  But I have this burning desire in my heart to be together - undivided - with God and with my children - here and in heaven.  I feel like I'm faking my way through this school bus mom role and my heart is just yearning for the old days... This doesn't feel like me.  It doesn't feel like what I was made to do....

I've been wandering, so uncertain of so much - and I just need more of God or I doubt anything will make sense any time soon.  I'm willing to do whatever He wants me to - I am just struggling to know what that is - in so many ways.

I stumbled upon this song tonight while looking for another song I heard on the radio.  I love Lauren Daigle... this song really got me - and of course the timing was perfect, as usual.

Here's my heart Lord, speak what is true.... drive out all the confusion and noise and speak clearly to me please... You're all I have - You're everything...  You are strong, sure, life, You endure. You are good. Always true.  You are light, breaking through...  You are more than enough... You are here, you are hope, love,grace...  Here's my heart, Lord... speak what is true...


Friday, February 12, 2016

Sharing Her Blanket

I have a major case of writer's block... and usually only one hand to type with! lol.  Currently, I am sitting slightly reclined with Eden resting on my chest while I write this.

It's a beautiful thing to have "full hands"

I want to write so much - I want to tell you every detail of all the amazing things that have happened.  I want to share the special gifts I've gotten for Eden - and how Rachel was such a part of them all, even when people were unaware as they sent them.  And I want to write about every tear I have cried as I continue to miss Rachel in a very complicated and intimate way with Eden.  And I just don't have the time - or the words.

So, I'm just going to write about her blanket for now.

Her blanket, as most of you know, was an extremely hard part of my journey with Rachel.  I wanted the perfect one, but I wanted two of them so she could keep one and so could I.  I kept the one that I made that she was wrapped in at the hospital - and she is buried with an identical one that Des made.  And I have slept with this blanket every single night (except one when my sister & I stayed in Portland and I forgot it and I struggled to sleep without it) since she left me at the hospital.  I bring it everywhere with me.  It has been on every getaway, family vacation, and through every hard night with me.  It was also on my hospital bed for each of my 3 babies after her.

I often feel like a freak, 36 years old and sleeping with a blankie... I have thought a million times about how and when I will be able to stop sleeping with it.  I figured I can't use it forever...  and I wonder if I'm the only mom to do this for this amount of time.  I've tried to think of ways I could get out of the habit of sleeping with it that would be ok for my heart...

The last week of my pregnancy, I had brought it with me to one of the hospital trips and forgot to unpack it when I came home.  I remembered it, but for the first time ever, I was able to fall asleep without going to get it.

And then when Eden was born, I wrapped her in it... It's odd because picking out Eden's blanket was a huge, long process for me and really hard because I didn't know if she was a girl or boy.  And then all that, and I used Rachel's at her birth, without even thinking about it - it just came naturally.  I didn't even realize I did that until I saw the photos later.

After we got home, I would sleep with it when I slept without Eden, but that wasn't very often.  I just kept it above or beside us.  And then a little at a time, I found myself letting Eden use it.  It just so happens that Rachel's blanket is the perfect size and weight for a little girl....

This has been mostly healing for me.  But there are times, and they always catch me off guard, that just make me cry.  Today was one of them.

I pick Eden up and hold her tight and thank God through tears that she is here... I tell her I love her and then I'll hear myself say "I miss her so much."

And I do.  So much.  It never goes away.

I remember the day I bought the fabric for this blanket like it was yesterday.  I was in JoAnn's and it was PACKED.  I looked forever.  I think I was there at least 2 hours looking for fabric to make her a quilt.  I finally decided to use one that the top was already sewn into patches so that all I had to do was sew a back on it.  I stood in line with my huge belly, the rolls of fabric, and the hope sign that I put on my door the night before her birthday.

Waiting in a long line, with a huge belly, it was bound to happen....

People started asking me when I was due and what I was having.  It was only minutes before one guy made a comment about how horrible it was that I was due on Christmas and how he felt bad for the baby that her birthday would be at Christmas.  He said she wouldn't like it at all.  He said there was no worse time to have a baby - and everyone around me agreed.  Their useless chatter and laughter over their false idea of my daughter's fate had my head and heart hurting.  But they remained clueless.

It was one of the few times that I didn't tell someone about her diagnosis when I was asked so many questions.  I don't know why I stayed silent, but I think it was because I was on the verge of a total breakdown and I needed to buy that fabric.  I knew if I started talking, I might fall apart.  I knew if I told them, and fell apart, I would be in the spotlight while it happened.  I knew it was likely I'd leave before I made it thru the line with the fabric.  In my head, all I could think was "I'd give ANYTHING to be so "bothered" with a birthday at Christmas time...

And every once in a while, it hits me - I am.  I will be.

Eden is SO BEAUTIFUL.  She is just. so. pretty.  She is an amazingly easy and content baby.  She smiles ALL the time.  I'm blown away by the perfection God created in her.  She is awesome.  She also looks just like Rachel.  Of course, Rachel had the typical anencephaly type traits, like her eyes being puffed out, but when I look at Edens mouth, her lips, her cheeks... her hands and her feet... she looks *just* like Rachel.
keeping in mind that Eden is about 8-9 pounds heavier than Rachel was in this photo,
I still think the resemblance is amazing.
She has healed parts of my heart I didn't know existed.  She has been my sunshine during a very difficult and gray time in my life.  She has redefined the idea of a "rainbow baby for me".  Rather than her being the pretty thing that happened because the sun came out after the rain stopped, I see her as the very sunshine itself - creating rainbows for me through the rain and constantly putting me in a state of awe that both stops me in my tracks with its beauty - and makes me run for my camera!  LOL.  She is God's gift to me.  And I have no idea why He even sees me fit to care for such an amazing little human - 6 of them! - but I don't feel worthy of the blessing.

Over 5 years ago, I stood in line carrying the excruciating truth of the purpose for that fabric inside me. A month later, I buried my daughter in half of that fabric.  Every day since then, I've clung to the other half in her place.  Tonight, I am watching Rachel's little sister sleep wrapped in it.

What that combination does to me is hard to put into words.  All I know is that I am suddenly able to sleep without Rachel's blanket and it feels right to share it with Eden.  And I know I'm so very thankful to have another Christmas baby and I look forward to being able to celebrate each year we are given to spend with her - even at... no, *especially* at - Christmas time.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Our Pink Joy

I have SO much to share - God has been flooding me with love notes from heaven... but I just don't have time to sit down and write.  I'm realizing if I want it to happen, I'm going to have to learn how to cut things short - and I'm not good at that!

So, here is a short version of one of the things I've wanted to share since before Eden's birth...

I wrote a post on December 20 called Unspeakable Joy.  In it, I mention the Advent wreath candles and how the week of Rachel's birthday was the candle of Hope (which is purple, Rachel's color) and how on that Sunday, I was brought to tears over the realization that the candle that week (which was the week I was due) is the candle of Joy.  There are two very important details I left out of that post...

One: We knew long before I ever got pregnant that if we ever had another girl, her middle name would be Joy.

Two: After that day in church, I looked up the advent wreath and learned another amazing thing - the candle of Joy is the only PINK candle on the wreath!

My early days of pregnancy, I was pretty sure I was having a girl.  I kept my heart guarded though and tried to stay neutral.  Then at one of my later ultrasounds, the tech called the baby a "he" and I thought she had given it away.  I knew there was a chance that she didn't mean anything by it - that actually happened with Desirae too and I was surprised when she was a girl because I convinced myself they had given it away with the use of the word "he"!  

But that day in church, the reason I cried that I couldn't blog then, but can now is that when they said it was the candle of JOY, I looked at Matt and he said, with a tone as if we had been given an answer, "Emma" (which was our original girl name - that story coming soon too I hope!) and I cried because from that moment forward, I was pretty convinced it was a girl.  We even told the nurses all about this while I was walking the halls in labor... I was still amazingly surprised when she came and I finally KNEW she was a girl.  Watching the video of her birth, after you hear me thanking God that it was a girl and sobbing, you hear Matt say "wow, it's a girl... the pink advent candle..."

It was as if in that moment, we were not just recognizing, but also experiencing to a whole new level how much and how intimately God communicates with us.  How He hears and answers prayers.  How he CARES about the desires of our hearts and how perfect His timing is.  The way He weaved His story, Rachel's story, and Eden's story all together in so many ways makes me feel like I am literally holding a piece of heaven in my arms ...  and I think I truly am.

Reading more about the advent candles, I saw that many churches light a 5th candle - a white one - that is called the 'Christ candle".  It is lit on Christmas Eve and represents the life of Christ that has come into the world.

On Christmas eve, Matt & I welcomed life into our world... we welcomed life given to us straight from God... we saw His light shine and felt His love pour over us in those precious, irreplaceable, sacred moments as I labored through the pain of childbirth and the nervous anticipation of parents who had already loved and lost... we saw a miracle with our own eyes and were overcome with emotion as she breathed her first breath and let out her first cry....

"It's a girl... Thank You God..."

"Wow, it's a girl... the pink advent candle..."

And as we were lost in that moment of amazement and wonder and thankfulness - all mixed with a touch of fear that we could still lose this precious gift at any moment - the world outside the hospital was preparing for Christmas Day...  The Christ candles were being lit.  The songs of Joy and of peace and of a baby being born were being sung.  Families were snuggling in for the night and preparing to shower their families with gifts the next morning...

We didn't have the candles, the music, the trees or the presents under them... we weren't even together with all our children. (we never are...)  But on Christmas Eve, we were in the midst of the miracle of all that we celebrate within those symbolic things.  We were living it - our hearts turned inside out as we experienced the hope, peace, JOY, love and Christ our Lord that are represented in the lighting of those candles.

We were given the best Christmas gift ever since Christ Himself.  Our pink Joy ♥


Sunday, January 10, 2016

Eden's First Visit

The plan was to stop at Rachel's grave on the way home from the hospital with Eden... we left on Christmas Day, but about 3 hours later than planned - because nothing with 5 kids goes 'as planned'.

We stopped on the way home to get hot chocolates at Cumbies since it was free for Christmas.  And everyone fell apart in the truck while Matt was inside getting them.  I wanted nothing more than to bring Rachel one - but I knew it wasn't a good idea to push that and so we just went straight home.

I was okay with that, but as the days have continued to fly by, I started to feel really bad that I hadn't checked on her stuff since her birthday - and it has been well over a month now...

So yesterday, me, Matt and Eden went for her first visit to her sister's grave.  I guess it's fitting that she would meet her sister before anyone else since we haven't had a visit other than this yet. ♥  As we got close, Matt questioned which exit it was again - I said "just think how many kids we have..." (exit 7) trying to give him a way to remember it... and I started to cry.  We have SEVEN kids.  "Some people never get to have one" I said.  We are so thankful for these seven blessings from God.  May we never take them for granted, here or in heaven.

We had to do a bit of shoveling and so after Matt shoveled out Rachel, I visited by myself for a bit while he took care of a couple of other graves nearby.  I needed that time.  I often am so task oriented in setting stuff up there that I don't slow down and really just *be* there.  I cried a little as I told her about her new sister.... I wish I could see them together....

When Matt was done, I got Eden out and brought her over to meet Rachel... I hate that.  "Meet Rachel"... it's a stone... but anyway...

It was an extremely strange feeling walking away from Rachel's grave holding a tiny little girl in my arms.  I've held two other babies there and did the same type of introducing and picture taking with each of them - but this was completely different.  It was hard.  It was amazing.  It was joy.  It was sorrow.  It was everything in between - all wrapped up in just a few short steps that only took a moment or two....  and that is about all I can say about that....




43 For the Ride

On the way to one of my blood pressure checks in Maine this past week, the song Blessings by Laura Story came on the radio.

I got lost in thought about Rachel and like the beginning of the song says... all the things we asked for... that we didn't get.

Sorrow fills my heart regularly, even still.  I miss my sweet Rachel Alice every single day.  I just have figured out ways to walk with my pain internally and not always allow it to flow out... out where others know.  But it's still there - thankfully it's been seasoned with lots of love from others, many days of heartache I thought would kill me that I made it through, and a million love notes from God to reassure me that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not.

This ride to Maine with my little Eden Joy was one of those love notes from God.  My blood pressure was still reading 187/101 even on 400 mg of meds 3 times a day and they were talking about needing to admit me in the hospital again so that they could give me IV meds to reduce my numbers.  I wanted to be home like you can't imagine.  All I wanted was to be home with my baby.

For MONTHS leading up to Eden's birth, the thermometer in my truck read 43 degrees at every appointment!   But the day after we came home with her, winter seemed to finally arrive and it got cold.  On my way to this appointment, it was only 23 degrees.

So, as I was driving and Laura Story's song came on, my mind went back to Rachel and all the hard, painful days.  A few lines into the song, just as it said "All the while, you hear each spoken need - you love us way too much to give us lesser things."

I looked out my window and the car next to me had this for a plate:


The 'disguise' of this 43 were not lost on me.  Rachel was absolutely a blessing in disguise - all of her - exactly who she was and every bit of her legacy she left behind - in me and through me.... and in and through all of you!

I went to my appointment and they said we could continue to monitor from home and that they would try to keep me out of the hospital as long as I was willing to come to appointments up there.  So then we were driving home and the song I Can Only Imagine came on....

I listened to the words and thought about the sweet reunion heaven will hold for me.  Knowing this earth is not my home, but instead just a place I'm passing through on my way to my real home in heaven with Jesus - The pain here reminds me that I will always thirst here because my until I get there, I will never be completely whole.  And Rachel has that.  Rachel IS that.  Completely whole.

I listened to the words and imagined her dancing around the feet of our Lord.  I'm not mad at Him for taking her from me... I'm just so thankful that when He did, He also received her to himself and cares for her there and much better than I could here.  She is safe and happy and full of JOY!

I was lost in thought - thought of falling to my knees at the awesome sight of my Lord... and thoughts of where Rachel will fit into that all... and no sooner did I have that thought and I saw this plate out my window....

I looked to my left, with a mouth full of a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich I shouldn't have been eating, and when I saw this plate, I *immediately* started to cry and laugh... and then cry like a baby... Just like I did back in April when I asked God if He would ever give me a little Christmas baby girl again that I could keep and saw the plate that said 43 between two letters.  Here I was driving with my living Christmas baby girl in the back and God continued to pour out his love in my language.

You can't make this stuff up....  

So on the way there, unsure of what was happening or what was ahead for me as far as a hospital stay or whatever - Blessings in Disguise played reminding me that even the very worst days and hardest nights are all used by God in my life and He holds it all in His hands... 

And on the way home, I dreamed of heaven and imagined what that day would be like - and the number was clear as could be... heaven will bring clarity on things that don't make sense here.  Heaven will reveal all the details in God's masterpiece that we didn't see.  Heaven will be amazing.
  
I got home from this appointment in a different place mentally as far as my health goes...  the fear I had on the way there had melted away as I was reminded  - yet again - that God has me.  He has this.  And nothing will happen outside of His will.  And anything that happens, He is big enough to carry my family through.  I went home and have spent the last week snuggled up with my baby and truly soaking it in without the fear that was plaguing me in the days before.  I feel like I have part of heaven here with me and part of me in heaven - and it's a beautifully complicated range of emotions, but I consider myself to be richly blessed by it all.  I'm so thankful God gives me 43's for my hard rides.  Especially the ones I must drive alone....
  

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

I Can Only Imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Chorus:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

It's a GIRL!!!

The last couple of weeks have been... intense.

Intense pain.  Intense love.  Intense fear.  Intense joy.  

I've got so much to write, I wish I could make blog posts happen with just the thought of it...  But one of the major changes over the last 5 years without Rachel is the fact that I have 3 more children than I did before she came and went.  I never imagined hours could get even shorter than they were back when I had just 3 kids here, but they have - and severely! 

So, I'm going to give the 'quick version' and get you up to speed and then hope I can go back and tell you some of the amazing ways God showed me He is still in every tiny detail in other posts.  I figure if I at least make that my plan, I won't feel like I need to squash it all into this post because that could get long!

We'll start with labor... I wasn't going into it!  On Wednesday the 23rd, my blood pressure spiked at home and I called the Dr, expecting them to just tell me to start my blood pressure meds back up.  I was a load of mixed emotions when the Dr said that I should come in for monitoring, but that they would likely induce me because the benefit of staying pregnant at this point in the game didn't outweigh the risks of the dangers for me and baby if my blood pressure stayed high or went higher, especially during labor.

I was scared to death because I've had two inductions before - Des and Asa - and they were horrible birth experiences.  Of course after how amazingly perfect Ezra's birth was, I was bound to be disappointed with this in comparison no matter what... but I had hoped for something much different than an induction because of my blood pressure.  

I called Matt and he came back home from work and we went up to Maine Med.  They watched me for a while and by that afternoon, we were waiting for a labor and delivery room to become available so we could start my induction.  Knowing how long inductions can take, especially since I was only 1 cm, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be home for Christmas... 

They started my induction (with a balloon and then the next day pitocin) at 7pm on the 23rd.  And on Christmas Eve at 3:28 pm, we welcomed our third little girl, Eden Joy Aube, into the world.  She was 9 lbs 4 oz and 20.5 inches long.  
After having a hard time finding a photographer I could afford, I borrowed a camera
and took some myself!  More to share soon!

I will never forget the moment she was born.  I don't think she was out 2 seconds when I looked to see what she was.  "It's a GIRL!!  It's a girl!  Thank You God!... thank You Jesus, it's a girl..." as I sobbed uncontrollably with joy and thankfulness.

As Desirae requested, we told nobody the gender until she could come meet the baby and be the first to find out - face to face... she said she didn't want to be disappointed on the way to the hospital if it was a boy, but knew once she was there she wouldn't care because babies are all cute.  So we waited until that night when my friend Mel brought the kids up to see us and meet the baby.  They all walked in and I said nothing, just showed them her wearing a hat with a bow on it... Des started laughing, then crying, then laughing, then crying... it had me and Matt both in tears.  It was amazing to see her reaction to what we all know has been her constant prayer with God too.  And since that moment, everything within her has appeared lighter.  I know this little sister was just what my big girl needed.  I'm so thankful that God has answered that request for her too.  Even more than for myself - I wanted Des to have a little sister she can dress up and drive to dance class (her ideas!) :)  I can't wait to see how they bond.  There is nothing like relationship between sisters ♥

Things got pretty crazy for a while from that moment on... from having trouble delivering my placenta, to me bleeding too much, to leaving the hospital a day early so I could be home Christmas night - and ending up in the local ER the next day because Eden stopped breathing... where the very misinformed Dr told us her blood work showed a major infection...which led to her being given 4 (failed) spinal taps and then her & I being transferred to Maine Med by ambulance where we spent another night (and thankfully my mom stayed with me because I was thoroughly EXHAUSTED and Matt had to be home with the kids so they wouldn't know anything was wrong) only to find out the next day that the ER Dr in Rochester had no clue what she was talking about and Eden's blood work numbers were NORMAL for her age - not normal for an adult, but she isn't an adult!  So we went through all of that and put our little girl though an enormous amount of pain for nothing.... Thank God I asked to go to Maine and not stay at Frisbie - I can only imagine what she would have endured if she stayed there.  They were about to start her on 'the heavy duty antibiotics' for her 'infection'. God protected her from that when Maine called and canceled the antibiotic until they could see her and do their own spinal tap - which as soon as we got there, they decided was not necessary right away!

And then a day after we got home, my blood pressure went through the roof and I've been back to Maine multiple times for that and am still not done dealing with it.

But as I sit here typing this, Eden is next to me, wrapped up in Rachel's blanket (which I didn't realize until I just looked through the pictures again, but we wrapped her in it at birth too ♥ and that wasn't planned - I just always have it on my bed when I deliver)  She is healthy and at her apt this week, was up to 10 lbs already.  I am feeling stronger and have set boundaries to allow myself as slow a pace as one person with 6 kids at home can have - I have hunkered down and am just enjoying time with my sweet little girl... time I desperately need for so many reasons.  And it's really helping in so many ways.  

And so I've had just one goal every day and that is to soak in the moments and not take them for granted.  I've been working to keep my days slow so that the other 5 kids see Eden as the blessing that I do and enjoy her arrival as much as me and Matt - which they won't if I am running myself ragged trying to keep everyone else happy and doing too much.  For the first time since I had just Des, my mind and emotions after birth are not just stable, but actually really good.  If only I knew then what I know now!  

Matt & I have had some sweet times together.  This has definitely been a time of bonding for us as well.  He's been an amazing help to me and watching him with his baby girl is precious.  I'm pretty sure this little girl is going to be spoiled.  Hopefully we don't spoil her rotten! lol.  But as I look back over the last 5 years and the last 2 of Rachel's younger siblings, I am so completely positive that this timing was absolutely perfect for us to welcome another little girl into our home.  God knew.  He knows me better than I know myself... and I'm so thankful for that... because what He gives is better than anything I could come up with myself.

It just took me over 3 hours to write this post with a couple of nursing sessions, diaper changes, a couple of snacks, interruptions from the big kids and my head just not working right.... and that is why I'm not blogging much!  Holy cow!  I have so much more to share and hopefully I'll get to it, but for now, she is here, she is awesome and I get to call her mine for a while ♥  Thank you Jesus. ♥

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Unspeakable Joy

Well, the 16th - and the 18th - came and went and I'm still pregnant!

On Friday night, I was having contractions for about 6 hours when we headed into the hospital just after midnight (Sat morning)...   It turned out to be a horrible experience because they checked me and I was still only 1cm.  They wanted to give me a couple of hours and recheck, but I asked if I could just go home so I could get some sleep.  They agreed until they noticed the baby's heart rate was too low... they had me move around and it was still too low... so they ordered an ultrasound and it was the longest ultrasound I've ever had - literally.  She stared at the screen, wiggling my belly, with a concerned look on her face for over 20 minutes before she called for a second set of eyes and said "I'm not seeing any movement or tone."

She got off the phone and said she didn't want me to worry... hmmm...  yeah, no problem lady.  Low heart rate, unable to see movement, thought I was in labor and I'm not, hadn't felt the baby move much all day - yeah, I'm not worried at all...

I just said "Well, I guess I'm in the right place for this to be happening..."  but inside all I could think was I should just schedule a c-section and get this baby out before I lose it....

They sent me home an hour later telling me everything was fine... I didn't really believe it, but what choice did I have?  Not much.

We got home and in bed around 5am, I had been up all night long.  The kids woke me up an hour later and I tried to sleep through their morning commotion and arguing.

I got up a few hours later and before long, between being exhausted and worried, I was in tears.  Matt's not usually overly good at making me feel better when I'm upset - especially if it's something he doesn't understand, but while we talked, I figured out that I was really worried about the chance of not being home on Christmas.  I didn't realize that it was weighing on me like it was until then, but he had just the right words for me.  He encouraged me that no matter when this baby comes, even if it's on Christmas, we will be together and the kids will be ok with however it goes.  If we have to wait a few days to do Christmas together, we will. (a huge bonus in not doing Santa)  And then he just told me to do whatever I needed to do for me for this weekend... to rest and enjoy the kids and our time off together... and to trust God with the rest.

So I ate breakfast and lounged around and slept on and off throughout the day - snuggled with the kids on the couch - and enjoyed the last moments of being pregnant and feeling this little one move around inside of me.  And it was exactly what I needed.

We went to church this morning, on time for the first time in I don't know how long... I felt so much better after taking time to rest and also in letting go of what I thought would be best for timing of this baby's arrival.  My mind and body just felt lighter.

I don't regret asking for specifics, even if I didn't get them... I did the same with Rachel and most of the things I asked for, God said "no".  I've learned that it doesn't mean He didn't hear or doesn't care, but rather that His ways are not our ways, yet they are always better.

I know I've talked about this before, but you all know that the word "HOPE" was Rachel's word... it was the constant theme of my time with - and now without - her.  And I've mentioned a few times that this baby's word has been "JOY".

I didn't realize it until the year after Rachel died when I was sitting in church the weekend of her birthday and they lit the first Advent candle, that the first candle of the Advent season is the candle of Hope.  I hadn't even considered how she would be born in the first week of Advent, but every year that has been a very special way to start December without her - as I remember her and her life and death, I'm also being reminded of the hope we have in Jesus and in eternity because of Him.

Today, because God didn't answer my prayer to have the baby last week, I was sitting in church when they lit the 3rd Advent candle of the season... the candle of Joy!  Matt & I just looked at each other and smiled - and I started to cry.  I knew at that very moment that I was supposed to be there today.  The songs, the message - it was all just what I needed to hear.

As we sang Chris Tomlin's Joy to the World...

Joy, unspeakable Joy
An overflowing well, no tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable Joy
It rises in my soul, never lets me go

I rocked this baby and felt his/her twists and kicks and relished in how amazing it is that I have a life inside of me... and that (s)he can hear me singing those Christmas songs.  And for as much as this baby wasn't moving on Friday night, it made up for it today!

But at the end of the day, what I feel is total contentment and trust in whenever God sees best for this baby to arrive.  I have gotten so much prepared and have a few things I want to get done still, but mostly, my one and only goal is to let myself rest in God as I bask in the joy of being pregnant... the fact that I feel exceptionally good physically and mentally for being 39 weeks along...  feeling this baby move around and how I alone get this sacred time with him/her... knowing that when God says 'no' there is a reason and it's always a better one than any reason I am asking for... and believing wholeheartedly that whatever He does decide is right will be amazing and I get to be a part of it.

During today's service, I was so thankful I was there (I didn't think I would be because I was sure I'd have had the baby before today!)  and got to see and hear the things I did that only confirmed for me how safe I am in God's hands... I was so humbled.  So thankful.  So overwhelmed with emotion.  God is so good to me.

And I hate even trying to write about any of this because words don't do it justice and I almost feel like they take away from what actually happened in my heart today at church.  But as I was leaving today, a friend said she would be praying for the arrival of the baby and for me to have joy through it... and she knew none of the above...

I just responded with a smile and said "unspeakable joy" - and I think that sums it up...




Monday, December 14, 2015

It's Almost Time!

I've been saying "I plan" on having this baby this Friday, the 18th - but that Wednesday would also be ok. And I might sound like I'm joking... but I'm really not!  LOL.

Of course you know I like to have babies on Fridays - I've had 4 of the 6 on Fridays so far and only Rachel's was scheduled by me... however, I do believe God knows what we need and Fridays work well for us pay wise for Matt to be with me.  This year, we have the kids school schedule added to the mix, which makes a Friday baby all the more convenient.

That said, this Friday is December 18, which is the day I was due with Silas, the baby I miscarried.  It is 9 days early, but I've had all of my babies except for Asa at least 7 days early - and they have all been close to 9 lbs.

A few weeks back, I started messing with numbers and realized that this Wednesday is 12-16-15 and if you add those together, it comes to 43 ♥  So I began saying I'd be happy with that day too.  

The reality is I will be thrilled with ANY day, time, way, situation I get as long as I don't have to say goodbye to this baby.  That said, I have some very specific prayer requests if you would remember me in prayer?  I know God could say 'no' to all of them and might, but I also know that my God is capable of all of this and so I'm going boldly before His throne and asking for His grace and mercy to help me in my time of need... 

So here we go....

I would love to go into labor in the early hours on Friday morning (or Wednesday if I don't make it that far) while Matt is still home so I don't have to chase him down at work (he can't carry his cell phone there).  Being a VBAC, I'm not supposed to labor at home and since this is my 7th baby and we have a long ride to the hospital, I won't stay long before I leave, but am hoping it's easy to get someone over to be with the kids.  I would like to be 5cm dilated upon arrival and to be able to have Kim (Rachel's nurse) there with me during labor and delivery.  I had an interesting experience with my epidural last time, so prayers for a safely placed epidural are needed.  I've been having breathing issues with my contractions - often I don't know I'm having one except that I can't breathe and then notice my belly is rock hard.  Please pray that I won't have trouble breathing through the real ones.  The way my contractions have been working also makes me super nauseous and I'm afraid I will throw up during labor, so please pray I won't get sick.  I would love to have Dr. Hunt for delivery (Rachel and Ezra both had her) and of course for a safe delivery, a healthy baby, and an easy transition with my hormones which always kick my butt.

Updated to add prayer requests...  Please pray that there are no complications with my brain aneurysm or my hernia.

I think that is all - no matter what, I'm due on the 27th which is just 13 days away so we are really close now...  I'm trying to get things done and it's not an easy task, especially with the added Christmas stuff to do.  But I think I'm doing alright.  It's just very hard physically at this point.  I'm ready to meet this little one... it's pretty much on my mind all day and night now.  I am having my 'nesting' splurge of energy, which is great for motivation, it just does nothing for my body's ability to accomplish it all!  But thankfully the baby won't have a clue that my house is a mess.  I'd be in trouble if baby's had opinions like adults do! lol - but all this baby will care about is snuggling and nursing and I can do both of those ♥  

I'm thankful for how God has prepared me for this time.  A few months ago, I was just detached, but He has gotten me ready and excited, just like he did with Rachel... and if He can do that with Rachel, I had no doubt He could do it with any other baby he gives me.  It's nice to be *in* it though and not waiting on it.  I still get nervous, that's just part of my life now... but I'm ok.  

I have another post or two I might try to get done before baby comes that have been on my heart for a while - if not, I guess the next one will be a gender reveal! :)  




Saturday, December 12, 2015

Lost and Found

I'm not sure if I blogged about it or just posted on Facebook about it, but back at the beginning of this pregnancy, Asa flushed my little silver daisy charm that said "hope" on it down the toilet.  It was the one I got at the woman's retreat where I gave my testimony of HOPE and also where I first told people I was pregnant with Rachel... it was the little token we used on my belly shots during my 25 week beach photos of Rachel's pregnancy.  It was super sentimental to me and I was really dumb to display it in the bathroom... but I literally looked at it every single day and thought about how much God loved me - how He had plucked me out of my addiction at such a young age and also how he had carried me while I carried Rachel.

When I realized it had been flushed, I plunged like crazy and stuck my hands as far down the toilet as I could trying to get it back.  I cried.  A lot.  I complained how things never go right.  I was so discouraged.  I can't remember everything going on at that moment in my life, but I know I was in a very rough place and that was the hair that broke the camels back.

On Wednesday, which was the anniversary of Rachel's funeral, I was having a hard morning, but was in a place of gratitude somehow... the toilet was backed up so I flushed and started to plunge and as I did, my mind wandered (as usual...) and I began thinking about Rachel's service.  I looked at the decor behind my toilet and saw the kids had been messing with it again and it brought my mind back to that little daisy charm that was flushed 9 months before...  I started thinking about HOPE and how I wanted to post a picture from her service on facebook, specifically the one of Matt & I worshipping during her service, and that I wanted to share that we praise Him no matter what because without him, we would be utterly lost.




And I kid you not, as I thought that, remembering how God gave us the faith to trust Him on that day, and was lost in appreciation of how God carried me through those hard days, I looked down, and there it was... the daisy HOPE charm!



Now, I'm not trying to over-spiritualize a clogged toilet... but this hit me hard.  I grabbed it and started cleaning it off and I couldn't help but cry.  December 9, 2010 was the hardest day of my life.  It was the day I left my baby's tiny body in the ground.  It was horrible and the night that followed it was even worse, as I sat here fighting myself to not go dig her up while I still could - fearing that someone else might and my heart ripping apart over how I couldn't care for her.  It was the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. EVER.  And on the anniversary of that day, I'm the only one who remembers or hurts from it.  Its mine to bear.  And I feel it each year.

But the crazy part of the entire thing that morning was that I was in such a good place for how hard my day was.  Nothing was going right and I was sad... but I was thinking about how much I needed God and how good He was to always be there for me at the moment that little charm revealed itself after all that time.

I couldn't help but think about if I felt that excited and that relieved to be 'reunited' with a little charm that's been covered in poop and pee for months - just imagine how unreal it will feel to be reunited with HER!  And that is my hope... that is what keeps me going... and on that day, 5 years after she was buried, God reminded me with a clogged toilet that it's only a matter of time.  When that charm was flushed, I thought it was gone forever and in a way, it was because it certainly didn't come back in the same pretty condition - but with Rachel, when I see her again, she won't be worse off, she'll be better off.  She will be whole.

So then remember in August how the night of the baby remembrance ceremony, I lost the memory card from the photos that my friend took for me?  Again, one of my lovely boys took it out of my computer and I couldn't find it.  I searched everywhere, but especially in my chair because that's where I had the computer.  And I finally had to accept it was gone. I honestly thought it was flushed down the toilet too since they had been doing that a lot this year.  I was so upset bc I wanted to make a nice video for the other moms and again was just so discouraged, feeling like nothing ever goes right...

Yesterday, we sold our living room furniture.  Again, changing things up for the baby.  Before the guy took the chair out, I tipped it on it's side to be sure there was nothing stuck in it and out fell a memory card... I knew right away it was *the* memory card... but seriously, I had already done that in August and so had Matt.  I tipped that chair, shook that chair, stuck my hands in it searching until they bled... and it was gone...  for a while.

The interesting thing is that the boys got a hold of my bag full of memory cards just recently and so I've been finding cards here and there for a week or two - and yet when I saw that one, I knew it was from the baby ceremony.  There was nothing special about it, just a plain 16 GB card... but I knew.

I'm not sure why sometimes God makes me wait like that... probably because I'm not very good at it and also probably a little bit to teach me how to let things go.  I was still able to remember God's goodness without that charm - and I was still able to make a beautiful video without that card because I had two people taking photos... but both destroyed me for a day or two.  I will say a day or two is a lot shorter than things used to bother me, so that's progress, but I would love to get to the place in life where I could care less about tangible things and rest more on knowing that I can't take those things with me anyhow and just focus on the things in my life that are eternal - which is caring for my relationship with God, for my husband, and for the little souls he has placed in our care.

As I prepare to meet this baby, waiting to know for sure I can take him or her home, after just celebrating and mourning Rachel's birthday, my heart has been overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.  I felt that God had confirmed for me early on in this pregnancy - before I even told anyone I was pregnant - that this baby would be okay.  But as one complication after another came up, I wondered if maybe he didn't mean here on earth it would be ok.  And so I haven't been able to just rest my mind for 9 long months and it's been so draining... and lonely.

But I think the timing of both of these things is just a loud reminder that even when I feel lost, he knows right where I am.  Even when I can't see the tangible proof that everything is ok, He is well aware of the details and will give me what I need, right when I need it.  You would think the way he saved me when I was lost and brought me into the light where I was found would be enough proof, but in my humanness, the little reminders on much smaller subjects are what keeps me remembering and I'm thankful for a God who will speak my language and not grow impatient with my continuous need to be reassured.  He is so, so good to me.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Different

Rachel's birthday was hard...

We had done the baby shower for the other local family awaiting the arrival of their daughter Aerilyn who has anencephaly and was due on Rachel's birthday.  And although I invited my friends and family as a way of remembering Rachel as well, I honestly felt like it wasn't for her.  I think when I did the shower last year for the girl who was getting to keep her baby, I felt ok about making the day equally about Rachel - including a cake for Rachel and things of that sort.  But this shower was different.  They don't get to keep their little girl and I really just wanted the day to be all about her and them.  And in my heart, it was completely.  So, after it was over, I didn't feel like I had done my usual birthday for Rachel.  And since we also didn't deliver anything to the hospital this year, her birthday felt more like just another day - and that's the first time I've ever experienced that since she's been gone.  I know the people closest to me were thinking of her though and I'm *almost* to the place where that is enough for my heart - just not quite there.

I did a few things to represent Rachel there - I bought Rolos candy to put out, used the same basket for cards that we used at Rachel's shower (still decorated for her fall themed shower) and I bought 12 pink balloons and 3 star shaped balloons to symbolize the date that our girls share.

On the 3rd, I had SO much to do to get the decorating we usually do on her day accomplished that I felt like I ran around working my butt off all day long and being 9 months pregnant, I was exhausted half way through, but couldn't not finish it.  The older two were in school as well so we had to pick them up mid day and then deal with the usual homework and stuff.  I went to her PO Box and it was empty for the first time ever.  Our families don't acknowledge she was here or the pain I feel that she is gone except for my mom and sister (and that would be why they were the ones who got to meet her...)   Des made cupcakes that afternoon and we did sing to Rachel and put our Christmas tree up, but as night closed in, I got really sad.

I was starving to just sit down and *feel* all day long and I didn't have time.  The day before I had cried most of the day pretty heavily, so it's not like I hadn't shed a tear - so I don't know what I was hoping for or needing and that is the hardest part - often *I* don't even know what I want or need.  I just know it hurts and I just want relief from it and it seems like something should help that and if I figure out what it is, then the pain will let up...  but it doesn't.

Because I was such a wreck on the 2nd, Matt offered to take the day off for her birthday, which meant the world to me.  He was planning to work and I had planned to go it alone, but knowing he was willing to stay home and wanted to be with me for it was so good for my heart.  Plus, after doing all the work to get her grave set up and our yard decorated, I realized I would have never gotten it accomplished if I didn't have his help with the 3 little boys!  Being so pregnant really makes me much less capable of doing things I want to do and that's hard too...

So after everyone was in bed, I sat down and looked at my new arrangements in my living room... we have been moving stuff, selling stuff, changing things up to make room for the baby - and now the Christmas tree - and so my view from the couch was much different that night.  And I realized as I sat there, just how symbolic the entire scene in front of me was of how complicated my life is...

I have Rachel's hope chest - where I usually put out all her ornaments and can't because we don't have the piano so I had to consolidate what I could display.  Also, the boys managed to break one of my very first ornaments ever sent to me for Rachel and also one of my favorites before I even had them out of the box so they feel safer in her chest.  It looks pretty, it's just different.

Then we have our Christmas tree... it's time to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior... it's time for gift giving, spending time with family, bringing joy to my kids and watching their faces light up with each gift they open... it used to be my absolute favorite time of year and filled with peace and joy and love and all the amazing things that come along with knowing the God is with us and He is so good....  And although I still know and BELIEVE that... my Christmases feel different.  They carry a little bit of sting that she isn't here - no matter which part of all the awesomeness I'm experiencing, it's there and I've come to accept it's just the way it's going to be.  It's still beautiful, it's just different.

And then we have the little dresser that I found on the side of the road back in the very beginning of my pregnancy that I finally recently painted and fixed up for our new Little E.  We have no room upstairs for this baby and so we have made space in a corner of our living room for his/her stuff and I'm doing my best to make it cute so I can feel good about it.  I do like it, it's just different.
Little E's "nursery" ♥
My friend Elisha showed up at Rachel's grave while we were there decorating on her birthday and gave me this Joy sign.  It matches the dresser perfectly and, of course, she didn't know that.  

But I looked at the three of these things together and I seriously sat there thinking about how crazy it is to have those three things all happening at the same time.  It was overload for my mind and heart to see memorial items for one baby, a evergreen tree symbolizing the eternal nature of our Lord who came as a baby, and then a little dresser full of baby clothes in hopes of bringing home another baby soon.  How does one person do all of this at the same time?  Polar opposites speaking loud and clear from both sides of my Christmas tree... emotions from every direction.  One minute I was answering someones message about Rachel and in the next minute, talking to someone else about a name or something they wanted to do for the new baby...

That night, it just overwhelmed me, but since then as I have walked past them daily, I think that in a way it's a good reminder of the hope I can have for both of my babies because of Jesus.  On one side I have the uncertain... will I bring this baby home?  And on the other, I have the certain... she is gone, but truly home...  And in the middle, I have the reminder that He is with me and He is enough for anything I go through.  

Preparing for this Christmas has been hard - in every way you can imagine.  Financially, mentally, emotionally and physically.  The kids being in school has turned an already busy time into a complete marathon of events and extras and I hate it.  There has been SO much change in our lives this past year, it's crazy.  New job, complicated and often scary pregnancy, the kids starting school outside our home, losing both my grandfathers, changes in the nonprofit... and I don't like change... I don't like different.

I could get disappointed that Christmas doesn't feel the way it used to - that I'm not capable of changing my emotions to fit the picture in my mind of how I like Christmas to be - or how so many expect people to be/feel/act at Christmas... or I can accept that God has given me a hard journey, a heavy cross, and a ton of blessings mixed in between -  and that yes, it's hard and yes, it hurts, and no, most people cannot comprehend and many will not acknowledge or even recognize any of that as they interact with me this Christmas - and I can thank Him for all of it because honestly, I know God in a deeper more personal way than I did when things were prettier, lighter, felt better... but my life wasn't better.  It wasn't more meaningful.  It was just different.  And as much as I miss the simpler days, I am glad things are different.  It's okay that different doesn't mean easier.


Taking care of her the only way I can for now...

Are they cute, or what?!

Missing my school kids

Me & Elisha
I changed the decorations this year.  I went with pink & purple because standing in walmart looking at the choices I said to Des, "Rachel would probably pick these this year..." and she agreed that a 5 year old would rather have girly colors.  I changed the stuff on her little tree on her hope chest for the first time since 2010 too and made it to match this one. ♥

Ezra & I read a book every day before nap called "Baby Born".  It's our favorite and it's about a baby born in the winter.  I have never talked to Ezra about Rachel while reading that book, but while we were decorating the tree, he picked up this ornament of Rachel, held it up and said "Baby Born!" A few minutes later, he did it again when he picked up a nativity scene ornament. ♥