If you're on Facebook, you know that my little E has decided that 4am is his wake up time.... today, he slept in until 5:15. I've never had a child wake up this early. For a night owl like me, this is a problem... but not the biggest problem I've ever had - I'd love it if Rachel woke me up every day at 4am.
So, I came down and cleared the mounds of the laundry I folded late last night from the changing table so I could change him.
From behind me I hear....Splash Splash....
Yep, he was playing in the toilet that I didn't flush so I wouldn't wake the others... And my screech woke Sam.... Sam now sits staring at me from across the table.
I started the coffee and gave E a piece of toast and I remembered the package Des got yesterday, so I unplugged my phone to text Donna and say thank you. I unlocked my phone and saw a message from Pandora on the screen....
"Are you still listening? We don't like to play to an empty room"
There were only two choices or else I would have said "no" because Pandora kills the battery on my phone. But my choices were "Still listening" or "Upgrade now" so I went with still listening.
I opened my messages and clicked "new message" - I didn't realize that music would soon start to play.
However, in the background of my phone a familiar tune started. It stopped me in my tracks as the song that played when Rachel was born loudly filled my air....
I stood there for a minute, now leaning against the wall next to me... almost in disbelief and yet, not surprised.
On Sunday, we had a full day - community breakfast and church in the morning, lunch out with the kids, the park, and back to a different church that night, skipping dinner to make it and by the time we got to Rachel's grave that evening, it was getting late and I was exhausted physically, but also emotionally. I sat above her and cried.... just wishing I could have bought her a dress for Easter. Just wishing I could have watched her look for eggs.... Just wishing she could have come to church with us and we could have told her about Jesus' Resurrection and why we celebrate Easter at all... even though she knows all that better than I do.
And I don't usually talk to her, other than to say a quick "I love you" or "I'll be back next week" because it just feels strange.... but Sunday, I had a full 'talk' with her. There isn't too much that I won't share on this blog, but this talk was so personal and so heavy, I'm not going to tell you what I said to her. I will tell you that I asked her to ask God a few specific questions for me and see if she could get Him to answer me because, I said, "I'm asking Him, but he's just not listening...He's not answering me..."
Pandora's message struck me.... "Are you still listening? We don't like to play to an empty room."
Am I still listening? I think so. I try. I want to. But I'm so confused on so many things. I can't tell what is from God and what is Satan's advances and I have a constant battlefield in my mind. I feel like He's not showing me what I need to see. I feel like He's not answering my questions. I feel so uncertain of which direction to go with pretty much every big decision in my life. And for a planner like me, that is more than uncomfortable.
But is it Him or is it me? Well, since He's perfect and all - and I'm totally not... I'm thinking it's safe to say, it's me.
How could I find peace in that operating room as I waited for the final count of days... hours... or what turned out to be minutes... and be content in waiting on Him for the next step? How could He give me so much less than I hoped for with her and leave me with nothing more than a wound in my womb to show she existed and enable me to praise Him through it all?
I've learned before and perhaps I'm learning it again.... God is in the quiet. The first email I sent out letting family and friend know of Rachel's diagnosis, I wrote those words... Please share verses to encourage us because the Word of God speaks... and in those excruciating, painfully beautiful 43 minutes as we waited for Him to take her home, He played us that song. He spoke so loudly in the quiet that there was no mistaking that He was in that place. That we could rest in His holiness. That in the midst of Him... in the pain, the uncertainty, the sorrow... that He is with us. He is with me. I don't need to be heard by anyone else. I don't need to be understood by anyone else. I don't need the answers right now. I can rest in His holiness - and in the quiet, I can hear His voice... even if all it whispers is "It's okay."
There is no "Upgrade" for me. I am a daughter of the One True King. My Savior, Messiah, Redeemer and friend. He is more than enough.
I let the song play through at the volume it was at. The sounds carried through the house in the early morning hours, before the sun had fully come up. I now could hear Asa standing behind me. His usual cries for a drink were silenced as he listened to the song, watching me. Soon, I saw Desirae out of the corner of my eye... little by little, my children were surrounding me, but none of us were speaking.
Something about the silence - the very *unusual* silence in my kitchen spoke to my heart. We were all together, though not one of us was talking. And I just knew that God was showing me that even when He isn't easy to hear - whether it's His choosing, or mine... He is with me. The room I'm in is never empty and His love song is always playing.
I just need to follow his lead and dance.