What's "Better" Anyway?

Well, I guess it's finally happening... I'm feeling "better"

"Better".... what does that mean?  I guess I mean that I'm cleaning my own house, doing my own laundry, making our own my meals, bringing my kids to all their activities myself, not having anxiety attacks... usually... and actually getting through my "to-do" lists.  I'm feeling competent again.

I realized this yesterday as I looked around at 5 pm, while trying out my new pressure cooker (Christmas gift), and my house was spotless, smelled good, laundry done, and the kids had a productive day; even did an art project... things are getting "better."

But is that really what "better" is? 

I guess I didn't realize how rough of shape I was in during my pregnancy.  I knew I was in a lot of pain, I knew my heart hurt... but it wasn't until yesterday that I got a clear view of how bad things were.  I concentrated so much on how amazing Rachel was and planning for "hello" and "goodbye" that I think I just went into survival mode.  And thankfully, while God carried me emotionally, my family and friends came to my rescue and helped me through physically. 

I am so grateful that I was able to let those things go during that time and concentrate on what really mattered.  To know that I was accomplishing God's plan for my life...even with a messy house, needing tons of help, many nights with no real dinner, dirty laundry up to my eyes, afraid to light a candle cause I'd most likely forget it and burn the house down... (funny story, Matt actually accidentally threw Des' snow pants on a lit candle and they caught on fire! - Never a dull moment in the Aube house!)  I'm glad that those things don't matter to God.  I'm glad in that time, while my house fell apart and the "outside" looked awful, God was doing something on the "inside" that could never be taken away....and that I wouldn't need to re-do the next day!  I might have been incompetent to manage my life alone, but the trade off was well worth the surrender.

Before all the snow came, I took the angel that our dear friend Donna had left at Rachel's grave home with me so the winter wouldn't ruin it.  I put it on my counter near the door, and eventually moved it to the sill in the mudroom.  I came across a little pile of dirt, and realized it was from Rachel's grave and had been carried home by the angel... I couldn't clean it up.  I left it there for a few weeks, until yesterday.  As I wiped it up, I had to talk myself through it... "you can't leave it there forever"  I thought.  sigh.  I guess every time I move forward like that, I feel like I'm leaving Rachel behind.  I need to let go of that guilt. The truth is, she's not behind me at all... she's ahead of me; waiting in heaven... I can't wait to see her again.  But, as I move forward, she is part of everything I do; all my days, all my nights.  She is in every hug or kiss I give my family, every smile on my face.  Her memory fills spaces in my mind and heart that can never be taken over by anything else.  I believe that God has great plans in the future even still for Rachel's legacy here on earth, and I know that part of that is going to come from me moving forward....with her; towards her.  That's totally different than moving on without her.

I pray that as I get "better" I remember what "better" really is...  it's not a clean house and everything looking good from the outside.  It's got nothing to do with the things that most people measure as "success"; not my job title, my accomplishments, my house, even my children's achievements or behavior- it's got everything to do with the parts of me that only God can see and surrendering to His will for my life, no matter how hard it is.  I pray that I keep this perspective, that God has given me through Rachel, and carry the truth of it with me for the rest of my life.... and keep getting better, however messy that may look from the outside.