Today I'm Grieving

She would be 12 weeks old today...

I don't know what the yellow jacket was all about, but we're having another big storm today.  We went to visit Rachel early and it's a good thing we did because the roads were already slippery.  I cleared off her marker and made sure her name was visible....and knelt down to cry.  I still can't believe it's real sometimes. 

Today because 12 weeks seems like a significant time, I seem to be grieving moments that I'm missing with her.  I sat there looking at her fake flowers and her little name plate and wondered if she would be smiling yet... I wondered if she would look good in red like the others did... I wondered if she'd be sleeping through the night yet.  I thought about how at 12 weeks, I usually start counting by the month... 3 months.  I thought about how at this point, things start to get easier... they are usually a lot bigger and you know more of who they are and what they like.

I would give anything to know what Rachel would like right now.  I yearn to hold her, to look at her, to touch her little hands, to hear her cry... I never got to hear her cry.  I ache to know her personality, to see her temper, to watch her determination as she learned to do new things. 

Today I'm grieving milestones.

I looked around the cemetery - it was snowing like crazy, wet snow, and wondered why the yellow jacket the other day?... I felt negative as I thought "it's kinda like my pregnancy test with Rachel... an exciting moment of hope that doesn't turn out like I desired"

Today I'm grieving my disappointments.

I was at the hospital last night until after midnight (in case you're wondering about my late post, mom)  a friend of mine was being induced to have her baby and wanted me there with her.  I was honored to accept the invitation and then wondered if I had lost my mind... did I really think I could handle watching someone give birth to a healthy baby??  I picked her up some daisies (had to bring my girl too) and chocolates and headed over.  She didn't have him last night, and still hasn't today, so tonight I'm going back again... I'm praying for God's providence in timing and trusting that if I'm supposed to be there for his birth I will make it in time and if it will be too much for me, I won't...   Last night I listened to her little boy jump around on the monitor and his little heart beat and all I could think about was listening to Rachel dance around in my womb and her amazing little heart and how the sound of it lit up my face.

Today I'm grieving our limited time together.

I guess I knew that as time went on there would be many things that will come up that make me wonder who she'd be today.  I knew she would be on my mind for the rest of my life.  But I can't help by cry over the fact that my heart breaks at every thought...every milestone missed...every disappointment accentuated... every moment without her. 

Today I'm grieving "yellow jackets"....