Wednesday, February 16, 2011

He is with me

OK, so "my heart is heavy tonight" was a complete and total understatement.  My heart was being cut open with a jagged knife dipped in salt might be more accurate.  No sooner did I get done posting my last blog entry and I started crying...sobbing... and couldn't stop.  I should have seen it coming when I didn't have much to say.  I couldn't put any words to how I was feeling.  I remember writing a post when I was still pregnant that said something to the effect of "I'm a talker that doesn't want to talk, and a writer that doesn't want to write"...  when I have no words to say and nothing to write, that's not usually a very good sign.

So anyway, I was up well into the night (morning) crying my heart out... I woke up with puffy eyes, way later than I should have and feeling like I was hung over.  And nothing is any different than it was yesterday.  My daughter is still gone.

I think part of my sadness comes from the fact that that is never going to change and I'm afraid people will forget her as time goes on.  I checked my blog stats after I posted last night and saw that the number yesterday was low (in comparison to the norm anyway) and all I could think was she's becoming old news.  I guess this is why it hurts my heart so much that some people won't read this... especially family.  And since they aren't reading it, I'll tell you what I think of that.... kidding :o)  But in all seriousness, I know that some people think this is "all about me" (yes, I've actually heard someone say that to Matt on the phone), but to me, it's all about Rachel.  So, when I hear from people who claim to love her that they aren't interested in my blog... well, it tells me that they don't love her like they say they do.  And besides which, this is kind of "about me"... not to sound self-centered or anything, but come on... I'm her mother... I carried her and gave birth to her. I have also heard that some people find it too emotional to read (yep, been told that a lot) and so in order to not have to feel the pain with me, they avoid my journey... which is hurtful because this is all I have of Rachel's story... my journey.  I can't call people and tell them how she's rolling over or smiling...all I can share are the amazing things that God is still doing with and through her life.  And I want to... And I would hope that people who "love" her would want to know about it.... even if it does include "me."

So, my point is that I think what my heart was aching over, is the fact that nobody knew her or loves her like I do and nobody is hurting over her death like I am - and there is nothing anybody can do to change that...I'm alone in this, no matter how surrounded by friends and my family, even my husband and kids, I might be...I'm alone as a mother with empty arms.  Nobody else will ever know the depth of my pain. (except mothers who have also lost their babies) Every part of my being knows that I just gave birth... My body is well aware that my not-so-long-ago occupied womb is now empty and there's no baby filling my embrace.  As I cried last night, I could actually feel the emptiness in my belly... and my arms aching to hold her.

The other night as I was thinking about Rachel's birth, I asked Jesus to show me where He was in that time...in my mind, as clear as could be, I saw Him standing at the table with Rachel.  He wasn't doing anything...just standing there.  I was tempted to ask "why didn't You do anything?" but was satisfied just knowing that He was with her.  Last night, as I drowned in my sorrow... I was tempted to ask "Why won't You do anything?"  but I had to just feel my pain and be satisfied that He was with me.

Why does He allow His daughters to suffer??  Why couldn't He just miraculously heal her that day?  Why couldn't He make my heart stop hurting last night? 

I may never know the answers.  But I do know that if my daughter had to die... if my heart has to break day after day... if I have to be all alone in this world with nobody who truly understands me...if I have to endure hurtful people... I'm glad He is with me.  (oh, and also really glad that Yahoo makes a way to block mean people emails :o) )

20 comments:

  1. Stacy, you don't know me, but I'm a cyber-friend of Kelly Roy's. She shared your blog a couple of times and I couldn't help but start reading. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. It breaks my heart, and I so wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug. You and your Rachel have been a great inspiration to me. I read your blog through Google Reader, so I don't often comment, but tonight's post reminded me of something I heard at my friend's funeral a week ago. Her husband quoted this article he had read:

    "Each of us must grow up and leave the security of home and the protective care of parents to enter a world full of problems and challenges that reach far beyond our experience. As we venture out, we would like a ready source to tell us how to handle every difficult situation. But that is not the Lord's system.

    It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord's will that we learn to handle them.

    The sense of being overwhelmed is very much a part of the journey. The power with which God clothes us in His holy temples does not imply that our journey will be an easy one.

    As we accept our lot and move forward with what the Lord has asked of us, we discover that we enjoy the company of the Holy Ghost, angels feel constrained to join us, and the heavens open to our vision.

    As you seek direction, the Holy Ghost will lead you far beyond your own thoughts and mark a course that reaches beyond that which you can see even by the light of day."

    It's from a Devotional given by Joseph Fielding McConkie (here's the entire article if you want to read it: http://lds.org/ensign/2011/02/finding-answers?lang=eng). I thought of it as I read again tonight. I know that God is with you, watching over you. He is ever-mindful of you and your pain. I am reminded of some of my favorite verses in Isaiah, 49:13-16:

    13 Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted.

    14 But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me.

    15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

    16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me
    ."

    He knows your pain and suffering, and He knows how much you miss Rachel. He is ALWAYS there for you. I love to read your blog, and I will keep coming back for more. Please keep writing about your journey. It is touching lives, even all the way over here in Utah. Much hugs and love from me to you,

    Jamie

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  2. Stacy,

    Though you may already know - I read your blog every day. I have it under favorites and it is one of the first thing I do with my morning coffee. Rachel, along with a few others, is tucked in that special place within my own broken heart where she (they) will be held, cherished, missed for every single day of my life. For broken hearts don't mend even. Some places they heal and are stronger than before but in other places they will be forever fragile.
    Love, Mom

    PS. One of the first things I look at every day when I check your blog is the time of the post. Even though you're too big for me to tell you what time to go to bed......I still have to check to see how well you're caring for yourself. Mothers never stop thinking of their children.

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  3. Stacy I have not had internet for the last 2 months but I have thought of you and ur family and little Rachel often and I am going to spend the next day or two reading all the blogs I have missed. It is a lonely feeling you are dealing with right now but God is with you and Rachel is there even if your arms are empty

    With love Wendy

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  4. You don't know me either, but I can tell you I've been where you are (and sometimes I revert back there). I have a blog for the daughter I lost 7 days after birth. I see the stats drop. See that there used to be comments to every post, but now I rarely get one. I do it for me - even almost 2 years later.

    It is theraputic. Don't worry about the stats. You are definitely not alone and many find your strength inspirational (I know I do).

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  5. First I'd like to thank Jamie for offering up such a touching comment and text!

    Stacy, I am glad that you were able to put into words some of the deep pain that comes from losing a child and isolation in our grief. I share some of the same frustrations you shared in this post. They are tough and messy and leave a very bitter taste. I have to constantly remind myself that we are all human. We fail each other. Often at the times when it matters most - hurts the most.

    Rachel will NEVER be forgotten by you, your husband or your children. Many others will remember her long into the future. I know I will. :) But most important you and Rachel will never be forgotten by our Lord. I know you know this, but I figured since I remind myself daily of this truth that maybe you wouldn't mind hearing it again too! :)

    I pray that God will continue to heal your broken heart and draw you closer to Him. I pray that He will give you peace and soften your healing heart to forgive those who have not been there for you on this journey. I pray that God will continue to use those in your life to show you His Love and Grace and that you are inspired to give that love back to the world as well!

    Praying and Loving you RIGHT NOW!
    M.

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  6. I wish there was some magic words that would fix it all, but there aren't. I am so thankful that you know the Lord and that you are sharing your journey with Him. I have read your blog almost every day since right before your beautiful Rachel was born. I have cried many tears with you (though I know they don't compare with yours). Seeing God work through your story has helped me see him working in mine. Thank you for your willingness to share.

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  7. Stacy,
    If it helps at all...I try to check your blog everday if not every other day :) Rachel will not be forgotten in my house! I am sorry that your heart hurts so bad. I do know that it hurts me so bad too to see people go on with their life or say the same exact thing about my blog being too hard to read. I am always thinking of you and Rachel. I pray that God helps to heal your heart...
    Love you,
    Chrissy

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  8. I have your blog set as my home page and I scroll down my facebook on my phone just to see if you have posted anything new...I usually know within a few hours that you have posted! Stay strong cause there are still lots who have checked on you and Rachel daily. (I have also gone to see her at her grave at least 7 times since she was buried)

    I will always keep Rachel close to my heart.

    Bethany

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  9. still here with you Stac...I feel honored that I got to see Rachel after she was born. She was so pretty. I sure wish she was still here so we could all watch her grow with you...the pain of this life's trials hurts...I'm so sorry for your loss. Love you.

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  10. Just sending a hug your way...thank you for being real, honest, and brave in your posts, Stacy. I appreciate everything you share with us. HUGS...suze

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  11. Dear Stacy,
    I agree with Liz. You are not alone. I check in with you every morning and have since before Rachel was born. I've smiled with you and cried with you, and wrapped my arms around you during your sad and your happy times. Hang in there my friend.
    Cheryl

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  12. Dear Stacy,

    I check your blog all the time, but don't often comment. You are constantly in my prayers, and I have shared your story with others. You are an inspiration, even if that is the last thing that you wanted to be. Your story makes me hold my children tighter each day and kiss them more every night.
    I know that Rachel is in God's hands now, and I pray that you know that your story will not be forgotten. True, at times is is hard to read your blog, but that is because of how real and honest your feelings are.
    Please continue to write and know that you are helping so many people out there, myself included.
    God Bless you.
    Claire

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  13. Stacy, I confess, it has been almost a week since I have been able to log on and catch up with you and Rachel. But believe me, she is not forgotten! Your blog is one of the highlights of my nights at work, and I almost crave your next posts. I have cried with you, Praised God with you, rejoiced with you, and felt my heart break for you. I have been changed because of Rachel, and of you. Never think Rachel is being forgotten! It cannot happen.

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  14. Stacy,

    I wanted to leave you a message and tell you that your family and Rachel are in my prayers every day. I don't know you guys but I feel like I do through your blog. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say a little prayer for all of you. Rachel will never be forgotten!

    Hugs,
    Kami-Ohio

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  15. Stacy,
    I have been following your story since a mutual friend of yours and mine posted a link to the blog. I have cried and smiled with you and your family. I have been praying for you and the family ever since. I have also shared your story with many friends and let them know all about Rachel.. She was a true blessing and I am so thankful for you to share her with us. I check your page everyday and is set as my favorite. You have also brought me closer to my lord as I had distanced myself from him for some time.. So thank you.. I am a mom of two wonderful boys and I don't know how you do it with all of yours.

    Prayers and love Always.
    Rachel will never be forgotten.
    Heidi
    (my first ever comment)

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  16. I may be a few days late but I am still here and I still think about Rachel everyday.

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  17. Stacey,
    I am still here too listening, praying, and loving you from afar.

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  18. I've reached the point where I have been blogging for over 2 yrs on this journey. Wow. My readership has fluctuated. I don't think there are a lot of people who still follow that used to in the beginning or if they do they never comment anymore. I know that I enjoy hearing from those who follow even if it is nothing but a virtual hug. It's nice to know that people are reading because then they are remembering your child along with you. I wonder if those who used to follow still think of her. I hope that in some way she left an impact on them.

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  19. We have never met face to face, but reading your and Rachel's story has brought joy and sorrow to my heart. I may not read everyday, but I have not missed a post since first reading it. I do beleive your story is special and have shared in every emotion. I have had two miscariages and two children Kirsten 16 Hunter 3. I don't know exactly how you feel but I do the loss of a child. I have shared your story with many. I can't wait to meet you this spring. Don't stop what you are doing this has to do with you has much as it does Rachel. If someone doesn't like it they I have suffered from endometreosis for many years and it is very painfull. I would to be a foster partent at some point, just don't have the space.
    Hope the family is doing well.

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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes