It's All Him

Our friend Tris who works with Luke Smith (he did the other photos on my blog) gave us some photos yesterday that he took at Rachel's service. I am so grateful to have these pictures.  I was in such a fog of shock that I hardly remember things until I see it.  I wanted to share a few...


This was right when we pulled up to the burial service.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw her little casket sitting on the ground.  One of the most painful things I've ever looked at.



My amazing husband carrying his daughter



A sad Mama & Daddy



Desirae leaving a flower for her sister 

I get so many e-mails and letters in the mail (even phone calls) from people telling me of their new found hope and renewed relationship with the Lord since reading my blog...how my journey with Rachel has touched their hearts.  People telling me of their own losses and how they have received comfort through my words.  I hear over and over how strong I am... what a good mom I am (my favorite :o) )  They tell me how well I've walked this path through suffering...  I have to be honest,  I am honored that people see me that way.  However, Tris got a couple of pictures that clearly tell why any of that is seen in me at all, but why I don't deserve any of the credit...




This is at Rachel's service during worship

 

Matt was still wearing his hospital bracelet- he wore it for a couple of weeks before he cut it off.

I looked at these pictures and was so humbled by them. I pray it does the same for your hearts... we serve a God Who is worthy of all our praise....even in our darkest valleys, because when we are weak, He is strong.  It is NOT me... it's all Him.  Alone, I would not be able to do any of this.  It is not my words that comfort, it is His...not me who renews your hope or your relationship with Him, it's all Him.  It's not my ability that makes me a good mother, it's that He is able and willing to cover over all my downfalls and sin....it's all Him.  He gave me Rachel to begin with, He took her away and He is carrying me through all my pain and heartache.  It's all Him.  I am so grateful that He has given me the ability to praise Him through this storm... I'm thankful that He is the lifter of my head... that He keeps my hands risen in praise to His name. 

In these photos we were singing a song called "We still believe"  it says:

From the thankful heart to the battle-scarred

From the comforted to those who grieve

From the mountaintop to the empty cup

From the waiting to those who have received

We cry out as one

Chorus:

We still believe

We still believe

We still surrender in our hearts

Your faithfulness is our reward

We still believe

We still believe

And though the journey has been hard

We will confess your goodness, God

We still believe

From the reborn hope to the weary soul

From the quest for truth to those who see

From the soaring wings to the shattered dream

From the broken to those who have been healed

We cry out as one

Chorus 2x

Through the fire, through the pain

We offer you our yes again (2x)

(song coming soon... since I started writing this post, I got myself into a project that's not done yet) :o)

I need to confess, the week before I found out about Rachel, my faith was at a all time low.  I was struggling to trust God with anything.  Our computer had broke (well, Isaiah broke it) and Matt had said "instead of running out and buying a new one, why don't we pray about it"  You want to know what I said? "OK, Matt that's a great idea and when God doesn't drop a computer in our lap by the end of the week, what is your plan then?"  You know what happened??  On Saturday morning, I got a call from our friends Carole & Clyde saying they got a new computer and wanted to know if we wanted their other one, which was just a couple months old... I actually said "you know that sounds great, but I almost don't want to say yes, cause then I'll have to tell Matt he was right" :o)  But more than that, I had to admit that I was of so little faith.  I didn't believe God cared about the details of my life.  I didn't start out that way in my walk with him, life had worn me down.

In that one week, we prayed about Matt needing new work boots, found brand new ones on our seat in the van after church - prayed about Des' clothes, she got a big package in the mail from Matt's stepmother....all things that proved the same thing over and over... He cares.  The next week, when we walked out of our ultrasound, I said to Matt "this is what He was preparing me for"  - He didn't give me a new computer cause He thought I couldn't live without one.  He was showing me He was there....Just in time for me to really need to believe it.

Thank You Jesus for meeting me where I'm at every day, loving me just the way I am, lifting my head and my hands to You, and for comforting others through my trial.  Thank You that You always preparing me in advance for what I have to do.  Thank You for Rachel and for all You have done through her.  Thank You for choosing me to be her mother.