Monday, February 14, 2011

Thank God for my Valentines

I had assumed that being around babies would be hard for me after losing Rachel.  I figured the sight of one would make me yearn to hold her and so I was afraid of that pain. 

My friend Harlee had her little girl, Hattie, just a couple of weeks after Rachel was born.  When I got the email announcing her arrival, I sent an email back to congratulate them and said "have a good night together" and as I saw those words written on the screen, I started sobbing.  My heart ached with the thought of wanting a night with my girl.  And so, because of my response, which I wasn't anticipating,  I was afraid that meeting her would do the same thing...

Well, a couple of weeks went by and I couldn't stop thinking about them...  and so I sent Harlee an email that said "I love babies and especially your baby, I have to meet her" - It felt good to not let fear rule my decisions.  I have always had the ability to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn - even if I'm doing the opposite at the time.  And I determined that I will continue to do that with my matter what.  The other day I saw a cute little sweater on sale and picked it up for a Valentine's present for Hattie... I had wondered while pregnant if doing this would bother me... it didn't.  I love girl clothes, I love sales and I love how could I not buy the sweater??   Did it make me sad? Nope.  Did it make me miss Rachel?  Well, what doesn't?  I was surprised actually at how unaffected I was by it, other than with excitement of giving her a gift.  Des & Isaiah helped me pick the color and both agreed that Hattie would look really pretty in it.

So today, the girls came for a visit.  What I realized is, well, two things...  1. God always blesses me for obedience.  He wants me to rejoice with those who rejoice - and He held my heart so I could... genuinely. and 2. Nobody else is Rachel.  Another baby doesn't make me sad cause they aren't my daughter... and she's what I want.  That might sound obvious, but it wasn't...  I really thought that holding another baby would make me fall apart.  I thought that seeing another baby nurse would make me sad.  I thought that hearing a newborn cry would be too much to bear.  I thought that cute little girl clothes would make me jealous.  I thought that seeing my kids holding a little girl would be too much for me.  I thought that I would look at her and think "this is how big Rachel would be now"....  none of that happened. 

I think I underestimated God.

I held that little girl and loved her... for who she is... and Who's she is.  I marveled at her chubby cheeks, her blue eyes and her really cute little girl clothes... and I didn't feel sad for myself at all.  Only happy for them.  And it didn't take effort on my part, I didn't have to fake it... I just had to allow God to do what He does best: prove Himself enough

Around 5:00, I got the mail.  I have probably mentioned this before but I LOVE Mail... I love packages, I love cards... well, today we got 3 things: an anniversary card from Matt's Dad & Stepmom (our 5th is on Friday!) and it had a gift cert to a restaurant in it...a book that a blog friend sent me... and gift cards to Chuck E Cheese from Donna!  Well, I had no dinner ready and so I came up with a spur of the moment plan...

Got everyone ready, stopped at the craft store to get Rachel a silk rose for Valentines Day and went to visit her, and then we went to Chuck E's for dinner and had a blast!  Thank you Donna!! :o)

We stood at Rachel's grave, the air was actually mild today and the wind was blowing.  I noticed that the warmth today helped melt some snow down. Someone had left a cross that says "Bless this Family" on it.  Matt & I hugged and I said "I can't believe our baby is under the ground."  He confidently responded "We'll see her again".  God has definitely blessed our family.  I told Rachel I miss her and wished her a Happy Valentines Day... and I thanked God for her; my Valentine.

As I sat in an arcade game and shot at big spiders with my boys, Sam yelling at the top of his lungs "Get Em!!" and we laughed like crazy... I soaked up my blessings with a huge smile and thanked God for them; my Valentines...

While we ate pizza,  Des said "Hattie is lucky Sam was gentle with her...he hit Rachel in the head" - I thought how fitting it was that Rachel's big brother wasn't gentle with her... I asked Des if it was hard for her to be around a baby girl.  she said "no, Hattie's so cute.  I'm happy for Harlee that she has a girl she gets to keep"  My sweet Desirae... I couldn't ask for more in a daughter.  I thanked God for her; my Valentine...

This morning, Matt came in with some chocolates and a little gift for me... and tonight, after he held me at our daughter's grave, I watched him run around with our 3 other beautiful children, playing like a kid (oh, and totally scoring 100 on this new jumping game they have and everyone was really impressed :o) )  and then came home and put the kids to bed...and I just found him asleep in Desirae's room.  I am honored to be his wife.  I thank God for him; my Valentine.


  1. The Christian book store I go to has bibles that they donate to a center to help women who are pregnant to choose life .Anyone can sign the front of the bible where it says To; and Fr:.

    Today, I was in the store, and signed one Fr: Eve....because Rachel lived.Then drew a heart. The workers at the center write the name of the women as they are needed.

    I pray some women chooses to keep her child, learn about God, and accept him in her life.

    I pray whoever gets that bible will too have a baby, and raise it in a christian home.

    Next time I go there if they still have them, I am going to sign another one, Fr Eve, because Rachel danced,, wish I wrote that today, but another good reason to go back, Yay, God is good.

    I just wanted to share this with you, because I have not forgotten Rachel, and never will, she was a messenger from God to me.


    PS, hope I haven't sent this twice or three times, not sure how to use this, even though I have before.

  2. Stacy,

    You NEVER cease to amaze me, my friend!

    Our friendship has developed as a result of your blog and my following it (so faithfully!) As you mentioned in an email you sent me just last week (yes I am saving it because it means THAT much to me) and I quote from that email:

    "Hey France...It's funny that I don't know you, but feel like you're a good friend! I smile every time I see a comment from you!".

    I am so blessed to call you friend. Thank you!

    Happy belated Valentine's Day to you, friend, and to all of your beautiful valentines!


  3. What an awesome Valentines Day!!! I love that you were so blessed by all of your Valentines! =)
    Glad you got the book! I didn't intend for it to be a Valentines Day Gift - but I'm happy that it was! =)
    My best to you, as always!

    With love!

  4. awww, Happy Valentine's Day you guys!


  5. This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your "sweet" Valentine's Day with us. I'm so glad that you got to have special moments
    with all your children, your hubby, and Harlee and Hattie. I'm so thankful that God is allowing you to enjoy other babies and buying baby clothes rather than it causing you extra pain. Here is yet another example of God in your life, another beautiful God sighting. Thank You, Lord, for this gift.

  6. We had a great visit!! Thank you for loving me and my little girl. You are an amazing woman and I feel blessed to call you my friend:) Thanks for a great day!!!
    Love you


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes