Thank God for my Valentines

I had assumed that being around babies would be hard for me after losing Rachel.  I figured the sight of one would make me yearn to hold her and so I was afraid of that pain. 

My friend Harlee had her little girl, Hattie, just a couple of weeks after Rachel was born.  When I got the email announcing her arrival, I sent an email back to congratulate them and said "have a good night together" and as I saw those words written on the screen, I started sobbing.  My heart ached with the thought of wanting a night with my girl.  And so, because of my response, which I wasn't anticipating,  I was afraid that meeting her would do the same thing...

Well, a couple of weeks went by and I couldn't stop thinking about them...  and so I sent Harlee an email that said "I love babies and especially your baby, I have to meet her" - It felt good to not let fear rule my decisions.  I have always had the ability to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn - even if I'm doing the opposite at the time.  And I determined that I will continue to do that with my friends...no matter what.  The other day I saw a cute little sweater on sale and picked it up for a Valentine's present for Hattie... I had wondered while pregnant if doing this would bother me... it didn't.  I love girl clothes, I love sales and I love Hattie...so how could I not buy the sweater??   Did it make me sad? Nope.  Did it make me miss Rachel?  Well, what doesn't?  I was surprised actually at how unaffected I was by it, other than with excitement of giving her a gift.  Des & Isaiah helped me pick the color and both agreed that Hattie would look really pretty in it.

So today, the girls came for a visit.  What I realized is, well, two things...  1. God always blesses me for obedience.  He wants me to rejoice with those who rejoice - and He held my heart so I could... genuinely. and 2. Nobody else is Rachel.  Another baby doesn't make me sad cause they aren't my daughter... and she's what I want.  That might sound obvious, but it wasn't...  I really thought that holding another baby would make me fall apart.  I thought that seeing another baby nurse would make me sad.  I thought that hearing a newborn cry would be too much to bear.  I thought that cute little girl clothes would make me jealous.  I thought that seeing my kids holding a little girl would be too much for me.  I thought that I would look at her and think "this is how big Rachel would be now"....  none of that happened. 

I think I underestimated God.

I held that little girl and loved her... for who she is... and Who's she is.  I marveled at her chubby cheeks, her blue eyes and her really cute little girl clothes... and I didn't feel sad for myself at all.  Only happy for them.  And it didn't take effort on my part, I didn't have to fake it... I just had to allow God to do what He does best: prove Himself enough. 

Around 5:00, I got the mail.  I have probably mentioned this before but I LOVE Mail... I love packages, I love cards... well, today we got 3 things: an anniversary card from Matt's Dad & Stepmom (our 5th is on Friday!) and it had a gift cert to a restaurant in it...a book that a blog friend sent me... and gift cards to Chuck E Cheese from Donna!  Well, I had no dinner ready and so I came up with a spur of the moment plan...

Got everyone ready, stopped at the craft store to get Rachel a silk rose for Valentines Day and went to visit her, and then we went to Chuck E's for dinner and had a blast!  Thank you Donna!! :o)

We stood at Rachel's grave, the air was actually mild today and the wind was blowing.  I noticed that the warmth today helped melt some snow down. Someone had left a cross that says "Bless this Family" on it.  Matt & I hugged and I said "I can't believe our baby is under the ground."  He confidently responded "We'll see her again".  God has definitely blessed our family.  I told Rachel I miss her and wished her a Happy Valentines Day... and I thanked God for her; my Valentine.

As I sat in an arcade game and shot at big spiders with my boys, Sam yelling at the top of his lungs "Get Em!!" and we laughed like crazy... I soaked up my blessings with a huge smile and thanked God for them; my Valentines...

While we ate pizza,  Des said "Hattie is lucky Sam was gentle with her...he hit Rachel in the head" - I thought how fitting it was that Rachel's big brother wasn't gentle with her... I asked Des if it was hard for her to be around a baby girl.  she said "no, Hattie's so cute.  I'm happy for Harlee that she has a girl she gets to keep"  My sweet Desirae... I couldn't ask for more in a daughter.  I thanked God for her; my Valentine...

This morning, Matt came in with some chocolates and a little gift for me... and tonight, after he held me at our daughter's grave, I watched him run around with our 3 other beautiful children, playing like a kid (oh, and totally scoring 100 on this new jumping game they have and everyone was really impressed :o) )  and then came home and put the kids to bed...and I just found him asleep in Desirae's room.  I am honored to be his wife.  I thank God for him; my Valentine.