Thursday, February 3, 2011

Still Waiting for Wings

February 3... 2 months without Rachel.  Me & the kids went to visit her today, finding yet again a nicely shoveled path and grave. :o)  We also discovered some flowers and 3 snowman ornaments hanging on the tree.  One said "Rachel" one said "April" (month we found out we were expecting) and one said "Jesus"...

Shannan stopped by with coffee tonight...I'm so grateful for the people who remember me on Rachel's days.  It really is so good for my heart as her Mama. 

God had put a verse on my heart last night.  It's from the book of Isaiah.  I've always thought of it in situations where I was waiting on the Lord for something and when I first thought of it, it didn't really seem like it applied to me....right, I'm sure that's exactly why God put it on my heart... sigh.  Some day I'll catch on. 

This morning I decided to read it to Rachel.  I backed up a few verses and started reading...and suddenly it took on a whole new meaning... I guess I was thinking that my "waiting" was over... I waited for Rachel, she came and went, and now I just need to heal. (I say that like it's an easy thing!)  It didn't dawn on me that I am waiting on God for that too...people tend to say "time" heals all wounds... I don't know, I'm pretty sure it's God that does that.  Thankfully, because He's the only One Who is capable.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. the time I got done reading this, I was crying.  It really spoke to my heart.  I am also very grateful that my kids see me continually going to God and trusting in Him through this trial.  I know they are watching, even while they run around and play...they know Mama is reading her bible to Rachel. God is doing something great in them through this too... I am certain of that.

At Rachel's burial, Isaiah got very upset.  He kept saying "but I don't wanna leave Rachel here" and as we tried to explain that we had to, our hearts were screaming inside.  "I don't want to either" I thought.  Well, today, as we drove off, Isaiah said "Rachel was so cute" and Des agreed... My heart was still screaming inside, "I don't wanna leave her here" -  Every time we go to visit her, we have to say goodbye again...every single time, it breaks my heart. 

Tonight I'm holding on to the promise that, while I am so weak, He will renew my strength - and until He does, He is not too tired to carry me.  While life moves on for everyone else, my heart still breaks...God knows. He cares.  His understanding is unsearchable.  I have no might, but He will give me strength... He will give me wings like eagles. 

Until He gives me my own set of wings, I will hide in the shadow of His...The only place I can sing for joy in heartache.

I'm waiting on You, Lord.


  1. These are some of the words to the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". It's one of the songs that makes Uncle Kathy and me think of Nana.

    "Did you ever know that you're my hero,
    and everything I would like to be?
    I can fly higher than an eagle,
    'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

    It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
    but I've got it all here in my heart.
    I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
    I would be nothing without you."

    Anyway - this post made me think of that song.

    I so wish time could heal a broken heart. Broken hearts do mend but there will always be a scar.

    I brought the redish flowers to Rachel. I wanted something bright against the white snow. I looked across to where Nana and Uncle Dale are and I thought how unfair that it is the one area of the cemetary that is just buried under snow in the winter. I hate the flat stones. Just as the sadness was about to overtake me, I thought maybe winter is supposed to be a quiet time, a time to be still, a time of reflection. Like the tulip bulbs waiting patiently for the chill of winter to be replaced with the warmth of spring.

    Love you, Mom

  2. Love that God is giving you what you need while you "wait" on Him! :) Still praying for you daily! :)


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes