Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy to have a false sense of control

Matt & I had an amazing weekend...  we were actually gone all weekend, but since I tend to be what some might call paranoid, I didn't want anyone to know until we were back home with our kids.  I've never really understood those people who put on facebook how they'll be gone all week as if there are no crazy people in this world...  I guess I've seen too many scary movies...

First of all, I need to thank some people for making our weekend possible...

Our friend Donna from church usually likes to be anonymous, so I haven't really been able to share all the things she has done for us...but it has been a lot... not the least of which, visiting our girl every week!  Well, she offered to send us to a nice bed & breakfast for the weekend.  She bought a package that included a nice dinner and a couple's massage.  I'll admit, couple's massages are strange and slightly uncomfortable, but it was a fun experience.  We had no idea that the place we were staying at was actually a one room condo...

Thanks Donna!!  And because it wouldn't be possible to go alone without people willing to watch our beautiful children, thanks Kim, Meg & Mom for taking care of them... It is a blessing to be able to go away and not worry about them.  I hear they had a great time and that "Nana let them eat as much sugar as they wanted..." :o)  
We slept in both days and then had a good breakfast and great coffee...  It was so nice to do something by ourselves that didn't involve doctor's appt's or funeral planning, which is pretty much what all of our "dates" this last year were.  Rachel was still a huge part of our time, but with the focus being on how amazing her life was.  Oh, and this probably won't come as a surprise, but guess what the pictures on the wall in the room were.....  that's right, a tulip and a daisy.... is that unreal??  God is in the details.  That was the first time they had rented that room out, too. 

So, for part of Matt's present, I rented a snowmobile for a couple hours...  It was a guided tour, which I thought I'd like better, but about half way through I was wishing the people in front of us would get out of the way!  Fast was fun :o)  And they weren't going fast enough...  When we first started out, I told Matt "be careful" (you know, just had to get my instructions in...)  and about 3 minutes into it, I caught myself giggling...and a little while later, laughing... and a bit after that, yelling woohoo!  I felt young again :o)

I tried not to let my mind wander... it's a busy place in my head and I tried to stay aware of that and just enjoy being out there with Matt.  But of course, God spoke to me...and I gladly heard it.  It's funny how He uses things that we hear along the way to make points later.  A couple of weeks ago, our Pastor Willie was preaching and talked about a "tandem bike ride with God"... Let me start at the beginning...

When I was in rehab, I had a sledding accident on a mountain in Littleton.  I got a concussion and was really sick and since then, I've been afraid to sled... even at the country club.  As we were riding, I started wondering why I am afraid of sledding, but not afraid to snowmobile.  Then my thoughts wandered to motorcycles... I love riding bikes... I started thinking of all the crazy things I used to do...  why am I afraid to sled, but going 90 on a motorcycle with no helmet didn't phase me? (I mean, besides being on drugs!) And then a couple of things dawned on me...

1.When you've been hurt before, it's hard not to let that impact your future decisions... and not always a bad thing that it does. I've been hurt on a sled, so it makes sense that I'd be cautious about them.  I've never been hurt on a snowmobile so I have nothing in my memory that says watch out.

2.I don't have control over a sled.  When you're going down a hill on a sled, you have to just hold on and hope that it goes the right way.  On a bike or a snowmobile, you control where it goes and how fast it gets there.  And then something else dawned on me...

I'm on the back of the thing... I've never driven a bike, I've always been on the back.  I wasn't driving the snowmobile... So am I really in control??  I think I am cause I gave a quick "be careful" when we started out??  I've been on enough bikes in the wheely position to know that I don't have any control over what the driver does.  So why do I feel better?  That doesn't make any sense... unless of course I have a false sense of control.... hmmm...  now I'm getting it...

This is when the tandem ride with God came to mind.  I've tried many times to take the front seat in life.  I think I know the way, and want God to just get on my bike and ride my way.  But it doesn't work like that, thankfully.  I've also come to trust my Savior to also be my Lord... not just to save me from eternity in hell, but to guide me through the paths of life; trusting that He knows the best way to go.

In that short 2 hour ride, I smiled more times than I can count at the thought of my little girl.  She was the only reason we were even there... Donna wanted to bless us because of Rachel.  She was in every smile, every giggle.  Her memory brings me great joy.  In the beginning of this ride with her, I would have never picked this path... I'm glad that I only have a false sense of control because God certainly had a better journey mapped out.  One where beauty is almost indescribable and love truly undefiled.  One where all I needed to do was trust Him and lean into His turns.
I'm so glad that I have Matt to hold onto as we ride through life...through the wooded paths and over the mountain tops... I'm happy to be on the back of his ride as God maps out our path.  And I'm extremely grateful for the times, no matter how short or few, when we are able to pick up some speed and laugh like kids.  We're enjoying the ride...completely confident in the fact that God knows the way and that we're not in control. 


  1. Glad you two had a good time. The scenery is beautiful. I would love to do that sometime. I heard the trails up north weren't all that great this year but your photo looks pretty good to me. The kids all had a good time except for Sams cough and fever. And they didn't have all that much sugar. Des and J seem so grown up. Isaiah and Caleb are both such sweet souls. Then there's Sam. What a character he is.

    Spring is just aroound the corner.........

    Love Mom

  2. I was in tears tonight reading your post! Thank you for touching my heart yet again! (and yes I was waiting all weekend for your post and kept looking on Facebook for the update)

    ( I am planning on visiting Rachel tommorrow )

  3. I'm so glad that you could get away. Again, I don't know you personally, but I have been praying for you. On Sunday, our priest talked all about marriage and how important it is. I am blessed to have a good one, and I know that you are too.
    God Bless, and you will continue to be in my prayers.

  4. So glad you were able to have that time away together and experience God's goodness in yet one more tangible way. Blessed by your story of His faithfulness....praying still,
    Carrie :)

  5. My wish for your anniversary and the coming year was lots of love, laughs and happiness! Sounds like you are off to a great start! So glad you had this time away, just the two of well deserved, my sweet!


  6. So glad you were able to do this!
    It truly is easier to just let go and let God. It's a lesson I have to relearn over and over again...

    Blessings sweet friend!

  7. We like to think we have control when we really don't. Tragedy shows us that and can bring us closer to the God who has complete control.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes