Thursday, February 10, 2011


As you can probably imagine, and I'm sure I've mentioned before...while I was pregnant with Rachel, I was worried about what she would look like when she was born.  I would look at other babies and look at her ultrasounds and try to figure out what to expect.  I was glad that I had a good site to go to (Anencephaly Blessings From Above) to see tasteful pictures of these beautiful babies, because the Internet shows some scary photos, mostly aborted babies, and it isn't a good idea to search aimlessly for stuff like this.  I was also glad to have a site that I could trust with Desirae's eyes and heart because it was important that she was prepared too. 

I followed people's advise and bought the "micro-preemie" hat and preemie clothes.  The clothes didn't fit, the hat did. :o(  I remember the moment I first laid eyes on her... they held her up for us to see over the barrier shield they had up.  She looked just like I had expected from seeing other photos.  There really isn't any preparing yourself for a moment like that... the one thing I know for sure about that moment is that it was just that... only a moment.

When she was on me, Matt & the nurse were fiddling with her hat trying to get it to stay on.  I told them not to worry about it... I said "I don't care, just leave it off".  I didn't care what she looked like or what she was missing.  I loved her for everything she did have...and everything she didn't have.  She was my baby girl.  Perfect in God's sight; perfect in mine.  I felt sad for her that she was broken, but I wasn't afraid or ashamed of her.  I hated that it meant she couldn't stay, but I loved that it meant she was Rachel... my anencephalic daughter.  I loved her with all that was in me, just the way she was.   The one thing I knew for sure in those moments is that I was going to make the most the time we had left together...if only moments.

In the hours I held her after she died, I kept her close to me and snuggled with her all night.  I didn't plan on that ahead of time, but it felt right.  She was going to stay somewhere that night, and I felt like it should be with me.  I spent time with her doing the things I would normally do with my babies when they are born.  I even blogged with her there in my lap. :o)  She did a lot of blogging with me in her days...  But as the morning came and I knew the time was drawing near that I would have to give her away, the moments were never going to last long enough.

On the way to her funeral, my mom picked me up and the country song "one more day" came on... I shut it off.  I can still picture exactly where we were when I did.  I knew if I listened to it, I would start crying and never stop.  I'd love another day...but I'd take another moment.

At her service, I didn't want it to end.  Time was standing still and flying by at the same time.  After everyone filed out, I went and opened her casket up again.  I had to see touch her... to kiss her.  I couldn't bear to think that this was the last of my moments with her.

So today, I was sitting at my computer and I glanced up and saw the picture of me & her.  I took it down off the shelf and just smiled.  She was so cute.  I remember telling people who came up to me at her service about her dimples on her hands... my favorite.  Her arms & legs and hands & cheeks were chubby.  She looked just like the rest of our kids, a little more like Sam...Mama's mouth & Daddy's nose...she was our daughter and their sister. 

She was beautiful....every moment she was alive and every moment since she's been gone. Perfectly beautiful. 

I teetered between a smile and tears as I memorized her features again, wishing still for one more moment with her.

"Sometimes love is for a moment...
Sometimes love is for a lifetime...
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime" 
-Author Unknown


  1. Dear Stacy!
    Once again, I understand so well...
    Many of your words describe perfectly the way I felt and experienced Moments of our journey. So I just want to Pick out one, because it seems to Be like this for many Mothers and it is good to let the World know, so maybe someone out there is going to Be less worried then we were:
    The Moment right after birth, I just described it in my Blog a few days before, when I saw her just the way She was, there was nothing left of my fears. "how would I feel and react , When I saw her little head"? How many times have I been worriing about this during my pregnancy. And that thought was NONEXISTANT after birth (and during the hours we were blessed to have together) I saw her and She was nothing less then beautiful and Perfect to me. I was overwhelmed by love an admiration.
    And that is, what stayed with me.
    When I Look at pictures or remember how she looked like without her little hat, there is only compassion and deep love and sadness, that this kept her from staying with us. It hurts my heart to see her brokenness. But she stays beautiful...
    Because, just like Rachel and all the others, she simply IS!

  2. Stacy when I pulled up your blog just now and heard this song it brought tears to my eyes. Its a beautiful song. I have a friend who this song reminds me of who I lost when I was younger. Also the first time my husband heard it, it made him cry and think about one more day with his precious little girl. Thinking about you all.

  3. Her little hand dimples were my favorite too! =)


  4. Rachel is beautiful! Thank you for sharing her with us.

  5. love that end quote. brings tears to my eyes.

    So glad to see a comment from ikomami! I have been wondering how Valentina her family were doing.

  6. Beautiful....God made you and your family beautiful. Praying & love....

  7. I worried too about what Carleigh would look like. I got some reassurance when we did our 3D/4D US and seeing pics of other babies really helped a lot. The internet searches are awful.

    Reading your post reminded me of when I snuggled and slept with Carleigh. I certainly wish I could've had more moments like that.

    I was working on one of her scrapbooks on Saturday putting in pics from her 1st birthday and I just started looking thru the album. They were pics from her visitations and service and at the cemetery. I really looked at her and it just teared me up because for now I can still recall how she felt with effort. I wish I could say I'll always have that but I'm afraid it will eventually fade because even now it takes effort to remember.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes