Sunday, September 5, 2010

It's all perspective

Does anyone else see the irony of the fact that I am due on Christmas day - the same day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus - who Mary carried willingly and proudly, knowing that He would be born to die??

I might also add that I wanted to avoid having a baby so close to Christmas - you know for the sake of convenience...We Americans are something if the blessing of a baby could EVER be inconvenient.  But we all do it - we "plan" our babies as if they are supposed to fit some perfect blueprint of what an American family looks like.  2.5 years apart with a huge house to accommodate their perceived needs of bigger & "better"...   

I thought God was teaching me a lesson about accepting His gifts when He gives them.  I mean, due on Christmas?  I really thought He was laughing up there the day I found out.  The one time I didn't want a baby - Christmas - and here I am due on Christmas day.  We had decided we would be open to the babies He gave us when He gave them - just not in December.  Are you laughing yet?  It sounds crazy.  We trust You God, just not in December??  Does that make any sense?

Well, let me tell you - my perspective has changed.  I want a Christmas baby more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.  I want a healthy, big, chunky Christmas baby who cries all night long and never sleeps.  I want a baby with colic, reflux, down syndrome - anything but a baby who has to die.  I bought a onesie shortly after we found out I was pregnant that said "All Mommy wants for Christmas is a silent night"  I HATE that shirt.  I don't want a silent night.  I want a crying baby.  I want to be up all night for months straight loving her, holding her, singing to her and rocking her with breastmilk all over my clothes.  I want to be seeing double from exhaustion and getting irritated with all the people who give you advice on how to make your baby sleep cause they know so much.  I want more than anything to be inconvenienced by her - for the rest of my life - even in December. I want her - oh dear God, please let me keep her.

I have wondered before how Mary did what she did so gracefully.  My guess is that she was being carried by her Father the whole way.  In the movie The Passion of the Christ - the part that made me cry the most was watching Mary cry at the feet of Jesus as He was dying.  I was a new mom then and remember relating to that part the most.... I now relate in a way I wish I didn't have to.  And all I can do is cry at the feet of Jesus.

I had a dream at about 3 months along of getting our ultrasound and finding out something was wrong. The Dr. told me the baby wasn't alive and I started screaming "but I really wanted a Christmas baby!" I remember telling Matt - and a few of you - how amazing I found it that God always changes my desires to meet His will.  I don't see that happening this time.  My only hope is that He will reveal to me the goodness He brings about through her life and that I will see her again in the next.  But please, don't remind me of that when I'm sad...


  1. I was really excited that you were going to give birth in Dec. I was born Dec 29th. When I tell people my birthday they say "you poor thing you must get very little for gifts being so close after christmas" It always sadden me that they didn't understand the gift was life.


  2. I heard of you through my mother-in-law who received the prayer request for Rachel and your family. My husband and I have a little girl in Heaven whom we were blessed with for a week of life before she went Home. Charissa Grace would have been 5 this year but I still ache for her at times. I understand the pain of losing a little one while being assured of God's presence and grace through it. I too wished for the all night crying and fatigue over what we were given - I know the feeling of those heavy yet empty arms...I want you to know that you are in my prayers. I pray God's strength and endurance for the harder days and His constant "hugs" every day and night. May His peace continue to fill you and your family in unexplainable ways. Your sister in Christ and friend, Lorenne


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