Monday, September 20, 2010
Is That Your Final Answer?
I see these things that I would love to buy, with the anticipation of how cute my new baby will look in them, and I can't. My bank account may prefer that, but it breaks my heart.
In response to some of the attempts to encourage me, I need to say that I know there are some people who never get to buy girl clothes at all - and I know there are some people who never get to buy baby clothes at all. I don't ever mean to sound like I am unaware of those trials or that I am not grateful for what I do have, however, it does not take my pain away. There is no reasoning your pain away when you are planning your baby's arrival and funeral at the same time. Just because someone else has a "harder" road, does not mean that losing my baby will be easy. I am not the kind of person who feels better for myself if someone else has it worse off. And I am not too self-absorbed to know that there are worse things that could happen. I am very thankful to have this time with my girl and see it as the gift that it truly is...however difficult it may be.
I remember how people tried to comfort me after I lost our 3rd baby... "just be glad it happened now" - "it's better this way cause there must have been something wrong with the baby" -"you'll hold your baby in heaven"... these words will never leave my mind. I would nod my head and say "yeah, I know" while inside I was screaming - No, it's not better this way, it hurts no less, it was my baby that I want to hold now, not in heaven! You cannot reason pain away. The quick responses may sound logical, and Heaven sounds great, but to a mother here on earth...so far away.
So, what the heck am I talking about...oh yeah, clothes. With all the cute choices...each one being a reminder of my shattered dream... how do I pick? How much will I need? What size do I buy? Does it make sense to spend money on this stuff at all?