Saturday, September 25, 2010

He's got it under control

So, the Lord never takes long to comfort me...  I have repeatedly found myself crying randomly today. At one point, I was putting Rachel's picture in a frame and couldn't help by ask "how can she just not have a scull?" as tears fell like rain all over my big belly.  My heart continues to break daily and especially with the things I had mentioned in my post earlier, I was feeling pretty sad. 

I have completely trusted God's plan in this from the first moment we knew...not as if that makes it easy because it doesn't, but it makes it bearable.  Lately, I've been getting more scared about how this will all play out.  I don't know what to expect...I've never had to watch a baby die before, let alone my baby that I just carried for nine months.  I don't know how she'll look or if she'll be gasping for breath.  I don't know how I'll feel or respond and I have prayed faithfully that God will fill me with the peace He gave me that first day, on the day Rachel is born.  It's hard not to run through how the day might look and the pain that will come with saying goodbye. 

I said earlier today that I hadn't heard loudly from God in a while - well, He fixed that tonight...

We were all doing our own things in the livingroom...Desirae ("Nurse Carol") was scheduling me a c-section and taking notes on "what condition my baby had" while Matt read on line and I worked on a project.  Then I heard him listening to an interview on a  video.  I heard something about golf, and accident and then, the part that got me, he said something to the effect of....
when that moment comes (moment of tragedy) you either believe or you don't - and if you question God's sovereignty (control over everything) you WILL struggle
You'll have to watch the video to get the full picture of what he was saying, but it was to me, a LOUD message from God to my heart.  It was as if He said "I have not left you, Trust in Me.  Do not be afraid, I will carry you and I will turn this into something beautiful.  My plan is perfect and I have your best in mind"   I have no other choice but to embrace this time with thankfulness that God is allowing me to carry this precious soul all the way to His arms.  And to see each blessing that comes as a result of my pain.  There are some things that are worth it - and God knows what they are.  He's already got that all under control.

Here is the link to the video -  it's only like 3 mins long, please take the time to watch it.  I hope it blesses you, giving you reassurance of God's love & presence in whatever your burdens may be right now, the way it just did me.

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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes