We were leaving Maine Medical after we got our 2nd opinion. As we pulled out of the parking garage, the song on the radio was talking about how God put the stars in the sky and He knows them by name. I started crying and asked Him "YOU are the God Who hung the moon in the sky, You know all the stars by name, You make the sun rise and set and You can't finish making my baby?!" Here is a journal entry from that day:
The same God Who makes the sun rise & set and hung the moon in the sky, created this precious baby girl in my womb - why won't He finish what He started?? My heart aches to hear this isn't real. My poor baby. I'm asking for a miracle Lord, please heal her, complete her. let us keep her. I don't want to hand her over - please don't make me God. please. I KNOW with everything that I am that You are able - please God show Your power - Your healing power and perform a miracle. Please please please please. I'm begging You.The next day, My friend lost her husband suddenly and again, my journal entry shows my disapproval:
I have no words to express my heart in this situation. I can't believe it. It feels like it's not real, just like what's happening with my baby. Lord, God, why?? Why do You allow your daughters to go thru such horrible, painful things? Why, if You're in control of everything, don't You stop it God? I don't know what to do next... show me God and let Your mercy rain on us while Your glory shines through.The next day, I decided to journal all the events leading up to that day so that I could remember how God provided during that time. I knew I'd have moments where I'd need to remember how He loves me. I wrote everything down from about 2 weeks prior to finding out about Rachel. As my writing came to the present point in time, I realized how many things God had done through the days and weeks prior with the little details of our lives. I finished the entry with these words:
Thank you Lord that You bring everything full circle, that You have used our suffering already and that You will always complete what You started.As I wrote it, I heard my answer... I looked at Matt with tears and said
"It all makes sense..."And no sooner did I finish telling him that and Isaiah (our son who's 3years old) came into our bedroom...
"What?" He asked.
"My question to God... He will complete her. He completes everything. He completed it on the cross, He will complete it when He comes back again - and He will complete Rachel. Just not here."
"Mama, you don't need to cry" he said. "I asked Jesus to take the baby to heaven so her boo-boo won't hurt anymore"As I cried in amazement of how God just spoke to me through my son (and over the fact that Isaiah can articulate that truth to me) I opened my journal again and wrote, Thank You for my son, God. Thank You for Yours.
"That's good" I said. "Heaven is a good place"
"that's why you don't need to cry" he stated again, shrugging his shoulders and throwing his hands out to the side.
"But I'll miss her" I replied
"Well, Jesus will bring her back to you again. There's no fire in heaven. But there's light in Heaven - you just have to trust Jesus"
He'll bring her back to me... by eventually bringing me to her...
Completion. He brings everything to completion.