Bitter sweet crown of thorns

We spent this last week in Maine, near Camden, on our much needed annual vacation.  We went last year and we had perfect weather all week long.  The week was so uplifting, when I came home, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything was perfect right down to the s'mores and I wanted to stay there forever.  Just me, my family, and God's awesome creation.

This year, it was really hot, too hot to do most of the outdoors stuff we basked in last year. And too hot to use the woodstove - no s'mores! :o( The pond that the cottage is on had a high bacteria count and they were recommending nobody swim there - no swimming and no fishing!  This pond also happens to be where the cottage gets all of it's water...that's right, no showers all week.  90 degrees, 6 months pregnant and no showers for a week....  Minus the one sponge bath Des & I took and then we took turns washing our hair in a pan of water we boiled.  This was actually our 1st history lesson of the school year because we got to experience firsthand how the people used to do it in the "old days" :o) We had our challenges, but we got exactly what we needed up there (God always provides!) and I was never so glad to come home.  I love our home.  I think God was protecting me from the let down I experienced last year - another perspective thing.

Being up there was hard for me this year.  If I wasn't thinking about the baby, I was thinking of Corey (our friend who passed away the day after we found out about Rachel).  Corey, Jill and their girls vacation at the same cottage every year and had paid part of our way this year as a gift.

Our first morning there (before I knew all of the things that would go "wrong"- and before I knew there was about to be a hurricane!) I wrote these words in my journal:

We're at camp in Licolnville.  I never expected I would feel this sad.  Our trip last year was so uplifting, I expected to have that same feeling come flooding back...but I have this constant weight of sadness that follows me everywhere.  I can't escape it, my heart is broken. God, how do I do what I need to for my other kids while this dark cloud lingers waiting to pour on me?  I feel the impending loss and wonder how I'm supposed to do this.  Will the sun ever truly shine again?

I finished writing and decided to read some of the book I'm reading by Angie Smith.  She was talking about how even our Lord suffered here on earth.  I had underlined these words from her book:
"In every thorn in the crown they forced on His head, there is a truth I need to allow to settle on my brow.  We serve a God Who is aware of our suffering"

A couple of hours later, we decided to go into town.  We started down a hill towards the water to see the sailboats when I decided I had to pee...not the kids, me!  Rachel must have shifted onto my bladder!  So we turned back and went toward the public restroom.  As we were walking down that street, my eyes were drawn to a plant with little delicate yellow flowers on it.  I said that they reminded me of Rachel and went to see how much it cost...when I picked it up, the marker said "Crown of Thorns".  I was brought to tears by how loudly God speaks.  I have been begging Him to continue to remind me that He is with me - and does He ever!  The minute I read the name of that plant, I was brought back to what I had read a little while earlier.  He is aware of my suffering.  As I looked closer, I noticed that under the pretty flowers were big thorns that I had not noticed at first.  They were hidden underneath the delicate flowers that reminded me of my little angel.

The crown of thorns that Jesus wore was beautiful, not because of what it was, but because of Who He is.  Rachel is my crown...for now...and soon I will have to lay her down.  Not without the underlying thorns, it will be painful, but Jesus is aware - He knows, He wore his crown too.

I called Jill to ask her to look up how I should care for the plant since the people at the store had no info on it and had never heard of it before.  I wasn't sure if it needed water or not and I didn't want to kill it before I even got it home. She looked online and it said that this plant gives it most beautiful blooms in the winter...does that surprise you?  With how God has been moving, it didn't surprise either one of us - we figure it will probably be at it's best on December 26th - Corey & Jill's anniversary and also the day we're hoping to meet Rachel face to face - and possibly the day she'll meet Jesus face to face too.  When all my other flowers are buried beneath the snow, this plant will be showering us with blooms - at one of the saddest times in our lives.  A crown with thorns... always bitter sweet.

We decided to pack up early since hurricane Earle hit and it was a constant downpour all night long.  We got 1/2 way through packing when the rain stopped, the sun came out and the weather was suddenly perfect.  We decided we were too far into packing to turn back and that we would still head home.  A storm that was supposed to last for days, was over in hours - out of the blue and the sun was shining. 

Will the sun ever truly shine again??  I think so.