It's been an emotional week for me. A lot has happened, both good and bad. That's life, I guess.
Yesterday I overheard the kids playing and they were pretending that their baby died. I've never been real big into the psychology stuff - you know, where you give kids dolls and watch them play to determine if they have a bad home life - but I'll admit, when I heard Isaiah say "don't worry Des-ray, I'll wake her up" and Des reply "She's not sleeping, she's dead" - my heart broke for my little ones. I stopped to listen to see if they expanded on it, but nothing... just, "she's dead". Then in the van tonight, Des started telling me that she always used to think that people were just buried without a casket. But now that she's been to a funeral, she knows there's a casket. I said, yeah I think that's better and she said "not really, their bodies' still rot." What can you say to that??
The counselor at Maine Medical told me that I should not tell my kids that the baby is going to heaven and that it's a better place because that is how "we end up with child suicides"... Right, I'm sure it makes kids feel much better to think that a body rotting in the ground is all there is. (Have I shared how much I love the medical community?) As if all child suicides happen because the kids want to go to heaven. I'm pretty sure that is not the case. I'm pretty sure it is because the pain of this world is so great, not because someone shared the hope of heaven with them. But what do I know, she's the counselor... I think she's just trying to keep her clients coming back, and with advise like hers, she probably will. I won't even get into some of the other bizarre things she said to me, but I'll tell you I cried for a long time when I got off the phone.
In the midst of my trials, I have seen God moving in ways that I had never expected.
At the beginning of this journey, just 2 days after we got the news that would forever change our world, Des & I had gone to a corner store where the cashier was pregnant. I had yet to experience the "when are you due, what are you having?" questions that every woman with a big belly gets at every counter for 6 months straight, and I was afraid of how it would hurt. I got a little nervous as I approached the counter and saw her belly and I knew it was coming...
When are you due?If you've ever felt God speak for you, it's unbelievable. Better than any drug I ever tried! He gave me the grace & love to be able to say with happiness and a smile,
I'm sorry, that's awful.
no, we're happy about it - (it was at this point that I knew the Lord was speaking for me)
Yeah, I'm due in October and I'm like ugh... do you know what you're having?
yep, she's a little girl
I'm having a girl too and I told my boyfriend that this is it cuz we obviously ain't getting a boy
Yeah, we were REALLY excited that we are having a girl, we so wanted another girl, but unfortunately, she won't live long after birthShe said "good luck" with a look of pity as we left, but I didn't feel bad for me. I felt bad for her that she did not appreciate the life inside of her and what a blessing she was. As Des & I walked to the car, I asked her if she knew why I had told the girl all that. At that point, I didn't plan on telling people, I planned on faking my way through those conversations... which would never work for me cause I can't tell a lie to save my life... But at that moment, I knew I needed to share my baby and her story with everyone. I told Des that I hoped that hearing about Rachel would help this girl to view her baby as the gift she is. I also told her that just like I want each of my other kids to make the world a better place, I want Rachel to change our world too.
Oh my gosh, why?
She has a rare condition and, aside from a miracle, can't live outside my womb. But we are going to make the most out of the time we have with her while she's here and we're really thankful that we have her.
This week, I have received calls & emails from people all over the states, as well as around the world. I have made new friends and heard story after story of people who have been encouraged by Rachel's story and God's grace. When I checked the blog today and saw a comment from Germany, I literally screamed with excitement. And as I heard myself telling Des, through tears of gratitude, "People in Germany are praying for Rachel!" I realized my baby is changing the world. She has already reached more people and touched more hearts than I ever have, and most people ever will. And it all started with God speaking for me at a corner store.
I stand in awe of my loving God, Who is the only One Who can turn mourning into dancing and make beauty out of pain. Thank you, Jesus.