Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not alone anymore

I woke up kind of discouraged with reality on Friday.  Rachel is getting very big, along with my belly.  She moves constantly and is a strong kicker.  I catch myself smiling and laughing at her personality only to have that thought followed with some sadness.  It's a weird place to be - stuck between joy & sorrow. 

So, I had a busy day planned - as always.  I was on my way to pick up something up from a friend and was driving a road I don't travel often now, but used to daily when I was in the midst of my addiction - the scenery brought me back in my mind and I found myself thanking God out loud for bringing me out of that misery and preparing my heart for this time.  I acknowledged to Him that I realize this is not a trial I probably would have avoided and I am so grateful that He revealed Himself to me and grew me in my faith before I had to deal with such a devastating loss.  I  cannot begin to imagine how I would handle this if I didn't have a relationship with God.

I stopped to see my friend, Harlee, at work.  She is due a week after me and is having a little girl.  Harlee and her husband, John, tried for 2 years to get pregnant with their son.  It was a long, difficult road that only someone who has struggled with "unexplained infertility" can understand.  Riley is now 19mos old and...surprise!  They are having another "trying" involved!  God is in control.  We were able to get a picture of our girls together and Rachel even kicked for Harlee. I love it when she shows off her dance moves. :o) 

When Harlee found out that she was finally pregnant the first time, it was on Mother's day, just a few days after I had lost our 3rd baby.  We saw each other shortly after that and cried together as we gave each other a big hug.  She was crying because she was sad for me and I was crying because I was happy for her.  At this visit there were no tears...just rejoicing in what God has done, but one day soon, we will be doing the same thing again.  Rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn.  I am so grateful that God gives me the ability to be genuinely happy for people even when I am sad and I pray He will continue to do that for me.

I left there and got back on Route 4 - I was reminded of my past, yet again, when I drove past a place they have designated for truck drivers to stop if they need to sleep.  I slept there many nights in my car when I was homeless because of my drug use.  It was winter and I would use the hand warmers that hunters use to keep from freezing.  I would put a few of them under a towel on my back seat to sleep on.  Here and there, I'd find a couch to sleep on or manage to get someone to pay for a room for me, but I did that for months.  All my "friends" were too busy getting high themselves to care.  What a dark, lonely place to be - for me and them.

I went to visit my friend Heather right after...the first real friend I made after I got sober.  We met in beauty school and have been friends ever since.  Rachel gave a kick for her too, which was really exciting.  It was special bonding for them :o) 

Meanwhile, I had friends from church taking care of my kids and home.  Kelly was here with Sam and Melissa came to bring dinner.  She also brought the other two kids to go apple picking and then came back and relieved Kelly so she could go home. Denise showed up in the middle of all of this with some groceries for us, including stuff that is allergen free for Sam.  I came home to happy kids, dinner made, a clean house, and food for meals this week.  Then Jill came over and we went together to look at another place for headstones for Corey & Rachel.  I have never felt so loved by so many people and I know that it is yet another way that God is caring for me...through His people.  He provides through you girls more than you know.  Right down to giving me a friend to shop for big expensive stones with - and a baby girl the same age as Rachel that when I see something in the store, and my heart breaks because I can't buy for Rachel, I have another special little girl who I can spoil a little. (with pink stuff!) :o)

On another note, I was so happy to be able to see my living room floor!  I always knew it was pretty under there!  Unfortunately, it was gone again by morning, but I was more motivated to get things in order and tried to make it look good again, which it did for about 3 minutes, and then the kids got up. (sound familiar moms?)  To everything there is a season - and this isn't the one for a clean house I guess.  Drives me nuts, but I'm learning to let go.  Someday when the kids are grown and gone, my house will be clean again - and I bet I'll be looking forward to the grandkids coming over to mess it up. 


  1. Who said you need to be older to be wiser????
    PS - You were never alone............
    Love Mom

  2. I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light.

  3. I, too, have been where you've been. I was blessed with my daughter in 2003 at a young age, but I know God sent her to me to save me from myself and addiction. I have lost a child, as well, at 20 weeks. I didn't handle it with the strength you possess, or the strength God has given you, but instead fell back into my old self pity and life. Long story short, God brought me back out of hell and back into life where I belong with him and my beautiful ange, Hanna. Now I have found the man of my dreams, and after hearing from two doctors I would never conceive naturally again, I am a month away from delivering my baby girl! Reading your story, and seeing your strength, has inspired me. I know it is 3 years after your loss, and I have no idea you will even receive this, but I wanted you to know that you are a beautiful woman. I am glad God has blessed you with such a beautiful family.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes