Facing My Giants

Where do I start... ?

A couple of weeks ago, on our Friday night family night, we watched Facing the Giants with the kids.  I had seen this movie a bunch of times before - but this time I cried through the ENTIRE movie.  The movie isn't about things going the way you want in the end... but more about allowing complete brokenness and desperation to draw you to love God FIRST.  Before wins, gains, success, or people's approval... and in spite of loss, failure and persecution.  And just really about loving God through the valley and praising him no matter what.  Of course it says it's about football and infertility, but the real story line is God - just like in real life.  You should watch it.

Last Tuesday, I was at Sam's pre-op appointment for his tonsils and there were quadruplet 5 year old boys in the waiting room.  I talked to the mom, who said she was surprised because they were completely natural and not because of fertility treatments.  As she told me about the ultrasound she had for them and how the tech got really odd on her, my mind went back to my ultrasound with Rachel.  She said she finally asked "Is my baby okay?"  I had asked the same thing with Rachel and got silence... but her tech said "Yes, I'm just trying to count them."  She told me of their shock and how she couldn't believe even still that it is real at times.  I could relate, in a different way.

I left that conversation at Sam's appointment, and was on my way to the store, I found myself lost in thought... I had thought about how the anniversary of my positive pregnancy test for Rachel was coming up - just 3 days away - and how if I was pregnant this month, I would have another Christmas baby.  I found myself thinking "I wonder if God will ever give me a Christmas baby I can keep..." and I glanced out my window at the car passing me and as it got in front of me I saw the license plate 4L3.  But all I really saw was the 43... and I just knew, one day.... I started laughing out loud.  Sam asked what was funny and I couldn't answer him, I was giddy, like a kid on his birthday. 

The next day, I saw an advertisement on the side of Facebook for mother's bracelets.  I have been wanting an updated one with E included... so I clicked on it and made a bracelet to see what it would look like and how much it would cost.  I added another December birthstone just for fun - and when I saw the total, I just knew....God is up to something.  ♥*Hi Rachel*♥

I love that I took this screen shot and you can see the date.

So, the next morning on April 16th, two days before I was even due (and the day before Rachel's test had been positive 5 years ago), I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test again.  And my heart immediately swelled with love for this little life inside of me.  I didn't even think twice, I was just plain excited. 

Suddenly crying through the old movie made sense.... hormones already in effect!

I went to the dr that day for my cold and they gave me a test and got a negative on theirs. So they sent me for blood work which confirmed that I am with child ♥   I made my first prenatal appointment and the first available they had was for 4/30. ♥*Hi Rachel*♥

That was 11 days ago and we still feel like its not real.  But we are so excited.  Our kids are more than excited. I feel so unbelievably blessed and undeserving of the title of Mama to all these sweet babies.  I feel humbled at the idea that God trusts me with them.  I feel overwhelmed at the task of raising them to be followers of our Lord when I fail so very often and struggle with sin daily.  But mostly, I feel constantly awed by the truth that God is enough.  He is enough for us financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  He is enough and He is always good and there are no mistakes in His world.  This baby has a beautiful purpose.

So, as with the last two babies, I have felt the need to cautiously tell people or not tell them altogether.... because most think we have enough kids already or that with Rachel having anencephaly and my health this past year, another baby just isn't worth the risk.  Others think that you need to give each child their own room, sign them up for every activity available, and be able to pay their way through college or else you shouldn't have them.  Some think I'm too old.  Some think our house is too small.  Some think it's not fair to the kids we already have.  Everyone has an opinion.  I have mine too.  And while mine don't line up with most of that, I am still sensitive to other's words - and also saddened that people would look at a child of mine as a bad choice or a hindrance to our lives, or our children's lives... or extended family members' lives... because they are anything but.  They are a gift from God and the only (yet biggest) gift that so many people look at like a death sentence.  I wish more people believed what the Bible says about children, which is that they are a blessing and a reason to rejoice.  And if you don't buy that one, how about the call to rejoice with those who rejoice!?

That day on the way home from the store, I heard a song on the radio.  The Voice of Truth.  I tried to sing along, but my voice was not working at all because of a cold I had.  As I tried to use my voice, and couldn't, and listened to the words "The Voice of Truth tells me a different story, the Voice of Truth says do not be afraid.  And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory,  out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."  Tears started to fall....

Later, I played the song for Matt on You tube and I was telling him that I had heard it earlier and how it was speaking to me about this baby and he said "When I went out tonight, I heard that song too... and right after it was Word of God Speak."  (Which as most of you know, is the song that played when Rachel was born).  Both of us hearing the same song at different times in the same day, just by 'chance' because we had to run out randomly for things, and him hearing Rachel's song too, really felt like God was confirming His hand in it all and reminding me....

It's not about me.  It's not even about my children.  It's not about if they live.  It's not about if they die.  It's got absolutely NOTHING to do with what anyone thinks about the Aubes growing by another person... or burying another person.  It's not about if I die giving birth.  Every single thing that we do and the only reason we live is for HIS glory.  And I'm not trying to sound careless or like we are being unwise and expecting God to catch us if it all blows up - but rather to tell you that God Himself has created this baby and He HIMSELF will write the story for baby and for us and that He has confirmed in a hundred ways these last couple of weeks that this is His plan.  I'm telling you this to say that we TRUST Him.  And that no matter what happens, we will live for His glory - we will proclaim that HE IS GOOD.  We will praise Him.  And for me, in this, this means facing MY giants in the midst of it all...

Because my "giants" grew by hundreds of feet the day I heard the word Anencephaly.  Fear. Death. Loss. Pain. Disappointment.  I'm scared of them.  I am afraid of feeling even an inkling of the pain I felt carrying Rachel and waiting for her to die.  I'd rather die myself than to feel even a portion of what it felt like to leave her in the cemetery and wait for milk to dry up for my baby who would never nurse.  But I have a new set of giants that stem from my health issues... physical pain, medical emergencies, my kids living without a mom and all that would mean for them... but the more I try to hold onto and protect my own life, the more the fear steals from me.  It's only when I truly surrender myself to my Lord that I am ever truly content and at peace.

My giants are nothing compared to the strength God gives me in my times of need.  Nor are they anything compared to His provision and faithfulness.  Today, I am choosing to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.  My God doesn't ask me to face anything without Him.  David would not have defeated Goliath on his own.  The power of the Lord was with him.  And that same power is in me.  The same power that enabled me to survive what I did with Rachel.  I am never on my own and He has already won my battles.  I can face my giants with confident hope that God has victory, no matter what.

The first couple of days, I was in fear because my naturopath has had me off of my folate this month.  I have been completely off of  the very thing doctors say I need to ensure my baby doesn't have anencephaly.  In my head, I was trying to figure out how I would rearrange our headstone to include another name.... I started to think What if the words "This is for my glory" in the song are him preparing me to glorify Him through another anencephaly journey? 

That next day, a couple of different people sent me this picture....

That would be a "quadruplet rainbow" as the headline called it.  Now, I'm not saying I think I am having quadruplets... lol.. I'm saying it felt like God was saying that my ultrasound would be more like the mom at the dr's office that day... It brought the week into a full circle of God's voice in my life... I won't flood the earth again, He spoke to my heart.  Since Rachel, rainbows have had a way of appearing at the craziest and clearly God-given times... like right after we finished her playground.  But until this week, I always saw them as God saying to me "No matter what happens, I am with you!"  I know Biblically the rainbow is a picture of his promise to never flood the earth again, but I know all too well that as a believer we are not saved from trials, but rather held through them.  But right now, I am standing on his promise to not flood my earth again.

This baby's days are already written - and so the only thing worse than saying goodbye too soon is missing the chance to celebrate life while it's here.  Technically I could sit in fear every day that one of my other kids will die suddenly or that I won't be able to provide for them everything they desire.  But I don't because I trust God in all things.... I choose to trust Him even in this scariest aspect of my life - my babies - and the possibility of painfully losing another.  I choose to believe He has my best in mind and hope that it is that I get to keep this Christmas baby.... but trusting that if He does differently, He knows more than I do.

 And then comes the real question... the question that the Facing the Giants movie had it's story based around...if it's not okay...if this doesn't end in the way I would ask or want...will I still love God?   Will I still praise Him? And the unwavering answer is YES.  And I think most people who know me, know that to be true after watching me lose and grieve Rachel.  I could never turn my back on or be unfaithful to my God who has been more to me than I have ever deserved. My God who has always been everything I need and more.  Who has made beauty from my ashes and brought life out of death.  I wouldn't think of it because I need him more than I need anything else on the face of the planet.

Do we love God no matter what?  Or just when life goes how we hope?  Rachel taught me the better part... the resting in God part... the falling on my face in despair and need for God - and the closeness of Him to the brokenhearted.. the blessings from Him when he makes himself real to us.  No matter how the story ends.... She also showed me His goodness like I never knew before her.

I decided that a cute announcement was in order, so I Googled "pregnancy announcement ideas for Christmas baby" and the first article to come up was "How to Avoid A Christmas baby".  I clicked on it, just out of curiosity and it said "If you get pregnant on 4/3, you will be due on Christmas day."  ♥*Hi Rachel*♥ 

I guess I never realized that Rachel's life went from Easter to Christmas - or that a conception on 4/3 would give you a 12/25 due date - but now that I see it, I'm all the more certain how perfectly timed she was right between my two most favorite days of the year... and I'm thankful for another chance at the pregnancy dates that Google obviously has had people looking to avoid.  After Rachel died, I would have given anything to have a Christmas baby with me.  I pray this is God's way of answering the desires of my heart... desires that my earthly self never had until His Spirit taught me about what *really* matters through the death of my little Christmas girl. 

the announcement I made... featuring Rachel's little feet and
a new pair of booties and a 2nd E ♥

This baby will be called "Baby E2" (as in E the 2nd) for now since we need only one more E name to finish off spelling "DESIRAE" with the first letter of all of our children's names.  We do have a girl and boy name already picked, but of course subject to change.  We picked and agreed on them the first day though, so that's pretty impressive! lol.  They both have significant meaning to us so it would be hard to sell a different idea, but we are still tossing ideas around and open to suggestions for E names if you have them ;)

So there you have it... we have another little Aube on the way and we are so thankful.  We thoroughly appreciate every encouraging and positive response we get.  Thank you to all who are excited for us.  Please keep us in your prayers as we venture through the days ahead!  What an amazing journey we're on.... 

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

 

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Here is the song... the verses throughout are perfect, too!

 

 

 

Sunday is Coming

Yesterday was insanely overflowing with God's love.

It was Good Friday, 4/3.  We know how I feel about Fridays and 43's...

It was also 4 years, 3 months, 4 weeks and 3 days since Rachel came and went. 

I had an appointment for Asa in Dover and they scheduled it for 11:10.  The time Rachel died.

I went to Rachel's grave to decorate for Good Friday and Easter and when I left, I got two texts within a few minutes of each other that friends were either thinking about going there - or already there.  She was on people's minds ♥  I love that.

Wish Matt was in this one... the boys are sitting on Tupperware I had in my truck
because the ground is really wet still.  Love these guys so much.

My friend Mel sent me a text after she went to visit with the temp her phone had on it... 43 degrees of course... only strange part was it *wasn't* 43 degrees out anymore!  It was the warmest day of the year and actually got up to 69 in the afternoon at my house.  Because my boys are crazy, I then found them running around in the snow barefoot and Isaiah had shorts on and was begging me to use the sprinkler... we are all ready for some warm weather around here!!

I had Sam's OT apt as well - OT has been helping him a TON and been a huge blessing from God.  I don't even know how I ended up there with him (a mis-diagnosis of Tourette's!) but it's been the only thing that has helped him at all - and the insurance code for his visits is 430.

This number game God gave us all day not only gave us both the opportunity to share with people at stores and while Matt was working about Rachel and how God is with us, but it also served as an amazing reminder that her life went exactly how it was supposed to.

God knew this day over 4 years later would line up like this.  He knew I'd notice.  And the only reason I noticed was because I have the ticker on my blog that counts days, weeks, months and years and I was on my blog the night before.  Otherwise I wouldn't have noticed because once Friday came, it changed the counter to 4 weeks since it counts from that first Friday.  But the night before it said this...

I had so many days of sadness that she didn't live longer.  I wanted to bring her home in the worst way.  I wanted her to prove people wrong - to be more 'compatible with life' than they gave her credit for... But God knew all along that He was going to show His faithfulness in a million little ways with that time span between 10:27 and 11:10.  A minute more or a minute less and none of this would have added up today.  It doesn't make it hurt less that she is gone, but it does continue to help me trust Him through it all.  It overwhelms me with the thought of "who am I that He is mindful of me...?" (Psalm 8:4) 

I started getting letters from the hospital weeks ago saying the kids' genetic testing wasn't covered by insurance... 5 nice bills were waiting for my payment. I called this week to start the appeal process and when I got a call back on Friday, the woman from Frisbie said "Insurance doesn't cover those tests, but we're going to go ahead and take care of that for you so you can throw those away." Stunned, I asked what I had to do and she said nothing. No application for assistance, no special request, send no payment... the debt was just wiped clean. You can imagine how thankful I was. They didn't have to do that for me and I technically owed the money, even if it didn't make sense I had to pay it.... all it took was me acknowledging my need for and requesting their help.

 Now pause for a moment and think about the debt Jesus paid for me... every one of my sins wiped clean on a debt I could never pay myself. I did nothing to earn the favor, just acknowledged my need and requested His help. He paid it ALL.
This Truth can be yours, too.

I'm not sure I've ever explained the crosses I had put on Rachel's stone.  We got the three crosses that represent the cross Jesus and the two thieves hung on, on that Friday all those years ago...  Actually, I saw the crosses on a picture frame my friend Melissa had with her baby girl Amelia in it and used that to show the memorial company what I was hoping for.  Our girls both had anencephaly and she was one of my best friends through those hardest days.  When I look at the crosses on our stone, I always think of Amelia too. ♥ 

The reason I wanted the three crosses is because when Jesus hung on the cross, He asked God the Father why He had forsaken him and just before He died, He cried out "It is Finished".  Those crosses are a constant reminder that Friday was hard, but Sunday is coming... He has victory over death and we will see her again in paradise.

As I stood on that ground every Friday for over 3 years straight, enveloped in the pain of death, I was always encouraged by the truth that this is not the end for those who die in Christ.  Surrendering the pain to him and in him was the biggest faith builder I have ever experienced.  Not that things turned out how I wanted, but that I learned how close and good He is to me in the deepest valleys.

Which brings me to our Good Friday service at church... it was such a sweet time of worship and I was humbled in gratitude of all that Christ did for me so that I don't have to ever die.  I got really sad thinking about all the people I love who don't know Him.  I swear, it's like having survivor's guilt.  Why me and not them?  It's not like I deserve it or even went searching for it... for Him... He came and got me... when will He go get them?  What if He doesn't?  It puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes even thinking about it.... 

Every year at this time we remember the cross and celebrate the resurrection - but this year I am seriously overwhelmed by it all.  Like, completely broken over Christ's death and His suffering - and knowing he did it for *me* - as in for every sin I ever committed before knowing him - the horrible things I did... all of it - and since knowing him... and for the rest of my life...  knowing that I still mess up every single day in so many ways - externally and internally.  And He loves me?  And enough to speak to me in such an intricate way that He lines up numbers and sends me people and writes of financial debt... all if only to just give me a *glimpse* of what He has truly done for me.

wow.  sigh.

"Amazing Grace, how can it be, that You, my King, would die for me? Amazing Love, I know it's true - and it's my joy to honor You, in all I do... let me honor You."

I hope you all have an amazing Easter - and if you don't know the Lord, I pray that this Easter you would allow him to enter into your brokenness and let him be your God.   We all have 'Fridays' - days that are more than we can handle alone.  But when the Fridays bring pain-filled questions, where do you get your answers and to who or what do you set your eyes on?  Let it be Jesus and you will never regret it.

Fridays are hard, but Sunday is coming.

I Stand Amazed

Update on my scan... my aneurysm hasn't had changed, so that's good.  I'm going to get my record to lay eyes on the actual report to make sure they are giving me the whole story - since in my experience they like to leave out things that they don't think I need to 'worry about'... but for now, it's good news.  I don't have to have another scan for a year.  My only restrictions are to be careful lifting and not to get emotionally upset... good luck with that with 6 children...

I went for my stress test this week and it was frustrating because they neglected to tell me I was supposed to hold my blood pressure meds.  I wondered, but figured they would have told me if it was needed and I didn't call.  This is why I always second guess them.  So they told me I'd have to come back.  That is going to happen in a couple of weeks. 

The nurse brought me back and she was having trouble getting my blood pressure.  She put the cuff down and started listening for my pulse and said she was having trouble hearing it so she started to feel for it.  She looked up at me with a curious look and said "You look familiar."  I just smiled and shrugged and she said "I'll figure it out, but first let me figure this out" referring to my pulse.  "Yeah, let's see if I'm alive" I joked.  She said "I know you're alive because you are pink and talking to me... I'm just not able to feel your pulse."  I pointed to my tattoo and told her I have "Alive" written over where you feel for a pulse as a memorial for my daughter.  "Rachel's Legacy!!" she shouted.  "I knew it would come to me!  I ran in the race you do a couple years ago."  She moved her hand down to my wrist and there she was able to feel the beat of my heart. ♥  Hi Rachel! ♥

I blogged about this a couple years ago, but if you haven't seen that, here's as
short as I can make the explanation of what this means to me...
The middle of dandelion is a broken heart made out of a 43 and
it says "Alive" in the (bleeding heart shaped) flower bulb.  Even though
she is under the ground, she is ALIVE in every beat of my bleeding heart - and she continues
to bloom here on earth and spread seeds of hope with how her 43 minutes impacted my heart
and the hearts of those who came to know her through me ♥

Well, that was worth the trip alone...  she found my pulse and then told me we had to reschedule - but we had a conversation about the race.  She told me about her brother dying in his teens from bone cancer and how she did a golf tournament for him and she understands how hard it is to put stuff like that on.  But then she said "The hardest part about my brother dying was watching my parents lose their son."

It made my heart sink in my chest.  I can't imagine... I can, but I can't.  I know you can't compare apples and oranges, but I know how painful losing my baby who I didn't spend every day of 19 years with.  I can only imagine how much you miss a child and how that hurts when you spend your life getting to know and love them and they are a part of your every day - and then you watch them go through something like cancer or a heart problem or addiction - and after a long hard road, you have to say goodbye. 

At times I wonder why God makes the mother to child bond so deep and then allows us to suffer such pain in being separated.  To give us the deep need to nurture our children and then make it so we can't.

I can't speak for every situation, but I know in my life, He has used this to draw me to himself... to prove my faith genuine... to teach me trust... to give me a longing for heaven I never had... to show me how He loves me...  He used Rachel to remove my pride, my ego, my false sense of control.  Not that those things don't crop up, but I have been shown so much truth about myself and my need for God and how good He is even when I fail that I don't often find myself feeling better than anyone anymore.  I used to think I had it all together.  I used to feel like I knew the answers to so many questions.  I used to push my strong opinions on others and when I didn't, I was probably holding back because like I said, I knew everything.  Just ask me and I could tell you.  I used to do all those things and they always left me wanting.  I always wished I was different.  But now I actually am.

I don't pretend for a minute that that makes it worth it to me to bury Rachel.  I'm not saying that it means I think this is a great idea.  I'm not even saying that it then applies to everyone who loses a child.  It doesn't.  I'm just saying that in the end, Rachel - being exactly who she was for exactly as long as she was and for exactly what her legacy is - has been an amazing gift to me from God.  She has been my deepest valley and brought me the darkest nights.

But in order for there to be light, it needs to invade dark spaces.

I didn't see my life as dark.  But now that the light of those Truths shine on it, I know I was not filled then.  My life looked a lot neater on the outside, but God did me a favor when He removed all that 'security' and taught me that He is enough.  He is enough.  He IS enough.  In the good, bad, the ugly.  In the mess - even ones I create myself.  I'm so thankful that He loves me and calls me His.  I can't believe He calls me His.

He is the reason my heart beats at all.  He is the reason I'm alive.... she's alive... and the reason I am blessed to be able to nod my head when someone says "Rachel's Legacy!" and I can proudly agree that "That's my girl".  He is the reason I am made uncomfortable time and time again as some random stranger tells me they know about Rachel... that they follow my blog... that they know me - and that maybe - if only through me being willing to share so much of my heart in such a scary way - I've helped them to know HIM.  And somehow, in ways I could have never seen coming, He has done all of this in the middle of complete, utter, brokenness with a wretch of a sinner who never deserved any of it.

And in that, I stand amazed.

 

I stand amazed in the presence
of Jesus the Nazarene,
and wonder how he could love me,
a sinner, condemned, unclean.

 For me it was in the garden
he prayed: "Not my will, but Thine."
He had no tears for his own griefs,
but sweat-drops of blood for mine.

In pity angels beheld him,
and came from the world of light
to comfort him in the sorrows
he bore for my soul that night.

He took my sins and my sorrows,
he made them his very own;
he bore the burden to Calvary,
and suffered and died alone.

When with the ransomed in glory
his face I at last shall see,
'twill be my joy through the ages
to sing of his love for me.

 How marvelous! How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvelous! How wonderful
is my Savior's love for me!

Let the Bucket List Begin!

Before our road trip gets too far away and I never get the chance to blog this, I wanted to share the special visits we had along our drive around the East Coast.

These trips were not planned when we first decided to drive to Florida.  We made the decision to make the trip after my aneurysm was found because it's a trip I always wanted to take with the kids, but we were waiting for the 'right time'.  When you realize that you might not see your kids grow up, suddenly 'right' doesn't matter...  and so we planned it out.

It wasn't until a week or two prior that I started working out our route and as I did, I started to want to see as many of my Rachel friends as possible.  I contacted a few of them, but some of it was still up in the air since timing and how the kids would do was unpredictable.  As soon as we got out of our cold 3 degree weather, the temp was 43 degrees for most of the entire first day.

South West here we come!!

We stopped, after 14 hours of driving, in Durham NC where we stayed with my Papa's son Gary and his wife Elaine.  I've never been close to my Papa's side of the family since my Nana died when I was 10 and our families went our own ways.  But when Papa was dying, I saw them at the nursing home he was at and they offered us to stay there.  They cooked us an amazing gluten free meal and gave us the most comfy rooms to stay in.  At one point I was looking at a map with Gary and for a minute and I felt like I could have been hanging out with Papa - they are so similar in so many ways.  Their daughter Jen stopped in to say hi too and gave us some clothes for the boys.  It was a quick, but awesome visit that I'm glad we were able to make.  (There was frost on the ground the next morning, it was COLD, which I hear never happens... only for us!)

These two became quick buddies ♥

breakfast!

We didn't know if we were going to be able to work it all out until the night before, but we left there and met my friend Hannah Rose for coffee at a Starbuck's nearby.  You might remember her as Lily's mom.  We became friends through my blog and had never met in person.  We had coffee and talked and got to hug in real life... the things that distance prevents friends from doing.  She showed me some of Lily's things, which was an honor.  It was another short, and very special visit.  It's amazing to me that I can see people I have never met in person - and might never see in person again - and feel like it's not our first meeting.  It's amazing to me how deep the bond of knowing each other's pain as baby loss Mamas can go.  I'm thankful that God provides for us in this way.  I don't know how people went through this before the Internet times because I can only imagine how lonely it would be. 

My big girl joining in on girl talk.

♥ With our girls' blankets ♥

We said bye for now to Hannah and headed to Florida, where we spent 6 days with Matt's dad and step mom.  We don't see them very often and could never afford to fly all of us there and then rent a car big enough for us all, so this was a pretty huge thing.  The kids had fun hanging with Memere and Pepere and we went on a few day trips, one of which requires another post but we also went to Homosasa Springs to see the manatees and Busch Gardens. 

For BG, I put us all in our shirts from Rachel's Race... We hadn't even made it in the gate yet and someone asked "Where's Rachel?" I told them she is in heaven and the man started telling me about his son who died at just a couple of months old 29 years ago.  He said "You never get over it."  Afterwards, I was thinking... he must see us and think of where his son would be now... would he have a family... like rollercoasters...?  You really truly never move on... only forward without them.

We had probably 20 or more people ask "Where is Rachel?" I thought it interesting that they all used the word "where" instead of " who " like we usually hear. The simple answer was "She is in heaven.". It was better than having to answer who she is... That's something that can't be summed up so easily. And yet the simple statement of where she is felt explanation enough about our shirts and I *know* left an impact on so many.  I know this was God's provision for me and a way He was reminding me that where she is matters more than even who she is... because it's where I'm going to be one day - and why even though she is there, she is still here in our hearts.  I missed her so much this day.

The rides are numbered - and the merry-go-round was ride #43.
It was the only one that we were all able to go on together.
I have a feeling there were 8 of us there. ♥

The original plan was for Matt & I to go to a river to kayak for the day on our 9th anniversary, but his step mom got really sick and we had a lot of driving ahead of us, so we left a day early, on our anniversary, instead.  The weather was about as cold as it's ever been while we were there (35 the day we left, which I hear never happens... only for us!) so kayaking wasn't really the best idea anyway, but my hope was to spend the day doing something warm on our anniversary for once.(married in February in NH means it's always freezing!)  But the car ride led us to another very special place....

Dinner at Ruby Tuesdays - making lemonade

 

snack at a rest stop on the South Carolina Line

curious boys ♥

Hi Rachel ♥

Thanks Isaiah

My Rachel friend Jenn lives in GA and I met her after she found my blog because we had both lost daughters.  Her daughter Stella died at 5 days old around the time Rachel did.  They adopted two daughters from China and a year later, their Chinese daughter Rose died suddenly.  They have walked through so much in such a short time - and they had just adopted two more daughters from China in January.  I was beyond excited to be able to meet their family.  There were 12 kids with us and 3 missing.  Add 4 adults and that was a FULL house!  We were there for Chinese New Year and were so blessed to share in that celebration with them.  They made us homemade Chinese food - mostly gluten and dairy free!  This was my only 'cheat' food wise... I'm a sucker for crab rangoons and these things looked professional!  They tasted even better.  I paid for it, but they were *good*! 

Red envelopes for Chinese New Year

They set us up in their basement which had it's own bathroom and we felt so spoiled.  I never told Jenn this, but the first night, we overheard them doing their family time and I was ear to ear smiles... listening to this family who has gone through so much and has welcomed all these little children into their family teaching their kids about God and praying to Him together - in ways that were almost identical to what we do in our home each night - just made me realize how united we are in Christ.  Adopted as sons and daughters into His Kingdom.  It's amazing.

Once again, it was an instant connection... like we've always known each other... Jenn and I have talked on the phone a bunch too, but it was so nice to hug and spend time together.  We hung out on her couch chatting it up the first night... more time was the only thing that could have made this visit better.  (that and warm weather!  It was 19 degrees there, which I hear never happen...only for us!) We did get to stay for two nights, which was awesome.  She babysat our kids so Matt & I could go out for lunch for our anniversary.  Watching their new daughters and them overcoming the language barrier seriously had me in awe.  The entire visit was such a blessing. 

lunch at BK when we left... all the cups and plates said Stella on them!

We left there on Friday and headed to VA for a one night stop so we could get home late Saturday night.  I had one more visit my heart was seriously longing for....  a little girl in VA named Lily ♥  We heard rumors that a storm was coming and we would be driving straight into it so I asked Matt if we could make the trip to visit Lily that night instead of Saturday on the way home like I had planned.  I'm thankful for his willingness to add the extra 2 hours of driving onto an already really long day. I'm thankful for a husband who understands the importance of visiting a baby's grave and cares about how much it means to me. Our initial plan was to drive for about 9 hours.  By the time we were in our hotel, we were closer to 12.  But along the extra drive, we saw the most beautiful sunset over the Blue Ridge Mountains. 

We found Lily's special spot in a little cemetery in VA... There was snow on the ground (which I hear never happens...only for us!) This is the stone that we helped pay for so Hannah could give it to Lily in 2013 when we didn't do a race.  It was SO amazing to see it in person - it's so pretty and so perfect.  I was blessed beyond measure to be able to show the kids in a tangible way what we did that year.  They knew, but it helps bring it to reality for them... they know how special stones are, having watched me at Rachel's spot all these years.  The sun was still setting and the view was beautiful.  I wanted to tell Hannah we were going, but decided I'd surprise her as long as we could find it okay.  I sent her a text with a picture of us there.  That was one of my most favorite parts of our entire vacation... to know how much it would mean to her to see us there and be able to do it!!  It fills me up like nothing else to make another hurting mama smile. 

It's so 'ironic' that this picture is numbered 5143 in my camera roll
We were there right before Lily's 5th birthday.

We went to the hotel and got ready to swim!  We hadn't been able to swim yet so this was exciting. lol.  The weather was saying that VA might get 5 inches.... but as the night went on, it became apparent that they were getting more than that, and that since VA doesn't get snow like we do, they don't have the ability to take care of the roads like we do... so we booked another night.  We didn't want to get home on Sunday so we'd have time to settle in before Matt went to work Monday, but it made more sense. 

can't take a family photo without feeling that missing piece...
I always can picture just where she'd be.

We hung out on Saturday and swam and ordered gluten free pizza... it turned into one of the best days of our vacation... a down day just me and my loves...  we watched TV and ate.  It was so relaxing.  The perfect end to an awesome trip.  But as the day went on, the snow just kept coming down...  18 inches later!! we didn't know if we were leaving on Sunday either!  I checked out the weather and it said it would be in the 40's and so we planned to try to leave and see how it went.  We were given clear roads, bright sun, and a perfect 43 degrees all the way home.... ♥♥♥

The only moving vehicles we saw during the storm were tow trucks
dragging other cars that crashed!

Yes, this is VA.  Did I mention this never happens here... only for us!

North East... coming home!

There is one more trip I want to share, hopefully I will get to that soon, but it needs it's own post. 

I must say that I was pretty unsure of how this long drive would be with 5 little kids who hate sleeping in the car...  but we planned all our driving for during the day (except just as we were getting home on Sunday which was the hard part) and it went way better than I could have EVER expected.  Even with our DVD player breaking 2 movies in on the way there!  They did unbelievable.  Pit stops take a lot of extra time, but they all went smoothly.  I was able to research ahead so I knew what fast food items were safe for us gluten free wise, and I packed a ton of food which kept us eating well and saved us money.  We did get a couple of nice weather days which my head needed and the kids have a ton of memories of a huge trip that wasn't stressful with their mom and dad.  This is exactly what I had hoped for in this trip.  I'm so thankful to God for the opportunity to do all of this, and for making a way to see all these people who mean so much to us along the way.  I can't put words to how special this was for me, as Rachel's Mama.  She truly has brought me so many blessings... too many to count.

We discovered we really like road trips, and now that we are not afraid of driving long distance with our crew, all I can think about is where we are going next!!  So many places to see and friends I long to meet.  If I love you, you are on our bucket list!  Wanna meet somewhere in between?! ;)

E's Team Rachel Blanket

The daisies we bought for Matt's step mom for Valentines Day.
Picked them up and they were labeled 43 ♥

A warm Valentines with my Honey

Last day of vacation...
I love these people so much.

 

Pit stop!  We got really good at these and managed to always make them fun!

Win the Moment

On Thursday I was cleaning my basement.  Well, I started to.  I was about 30 minutes in when I heard a bunch of crashes and a scream for help.  I went upstairs to find my kitchen flooded, the babies standing on the open oven door to reach the sink.  They had filled the sink and let it overflow as they dragged towels through the water and all around the house to... wait for it... mop. 

They were trying to mop and proud of it.  *sigh*

Just as I discovered this, we had a knock at the door.  The Pest service was here to do our spring check... which is why I was cleaning the basement... I'm afraid of other people's opinions and last year they told me my basement was too cluttered.  I've cleaned it many times since then, we are far from pigs, but we have stuff and not a lot of time to organize it.  Still, I'm sure they see worse - and still, I can't help but need to clean it before they come.  It's kind of silly actually... and I paid for it.

So, the dude walks in and asks "Is there anything I need to know about?"

"Yeah, my kitchen is flooded.  You can come in, I'll just be cleaning up a disaster, like usual..."

I cleaned and sopped up water and started laundry and threw away all the damaged things.  I was not being very friendly or my usual talkative self with the pest guy - I was trying to get my mind around why these things happen to me... all. the. time.

Asa was running back and forth like a crazy man with no pants on screaming and Sam was following the man around asking him "Guess what?" and making him ask "What?" so he could fill him in on every random thought a 6 year old could possibly have... from a bee almost going in his ear when he was three to how much Desirae yells at him... Isaiah was adding to the conversation and Ezra was, like always, hanging off my leg screaming for me to pick him up as I told him over and over, I can't. Desirae was nowhere to be found... smart kid.

30 minutes into this, he looked up and asked "So... how many of them are yours??"  I couldn't help it... I started to laugh... like a lunatic.  He would glance up and look at me and then look back at the kids... They were all surrounding him, and about 6 inches from his face at this point.  I said. "I know I look crazy, that's because I actually feel crazy... because I might really be going crazy."  (My massage therapist assures me that real crazy people don't KNOW they are crazy, so I must be fine)  He said that he was feeling crazy too because the next day was the first day of his vacation.  I said "I nnnevvvverrr get a vacation." and laughed some more.  Every time the kids said something or Asa pulled on his privates in front of this guy, I laughed harder.

He went to leave and looked at the clock and it was like the light went on... it's school hours... so he asked "Do you homeschool them?" 

"Yeeeessssss... bahahaha..." 

I looked crazy.  I felt crazy. 

"So, you really never do get a break..." 

"Nope. I wasn't exaggerating."

Later, Matt and I were watching the sermon series Recovering Redemption by Matt Chandler we've been going through (highly recommend it!) and one of his main points he kept driving home was "Don't despise the hard days."  He spoke of the verses in the Bible that talk about the unbelievers that  God turned over to their sin.  It APPEARS at though they are really happy and their lives are so much 'easier' than ours, but be aware of thinking that is good - because I don't know about you, but any good parent I've ever seen tells their child what they can and can't do and at times makes their lives very difficult in order to save them from themselves.  He used the garden analogy, which you all know I love and God uses every year in my garden to remind me about my sin and the effects it has on me and my ability to bloom for His glory... 

I just went to YouTube to see if it was on there.  We have DVD's so I didn't know if you could view it for free.  I found it, so decided to skim through it again, since it's been a few days, so I could remember how he worded it because this has been on my mind constantly since we watched it...  well, when I saw that the exact place I wanted you to see started at minute 43, I wasn't surprised... but it did make me cry.  God is in the details.  At 43 minutes on this sermon I wanted to share, he has them open to the exact verses I shared on my last blog post - which also leads him into the exact point I've been thinking on. If you can watch this entire video, you should - but if you can't, you should at least humor me and watch for a few minutes starting at 43 minutes in.

He talks about not needing to think about 5 years or 10 years from now - even a month from now... just focus on the next thing in front of you and 'win the day'... cling to God... ask him to help you... just get through today.

I've heard these words in my mind over and over.  I get so ahead of myself.  I think about even my appointments for next week and I get overwhelmed.  If I try to think about *everything* I have to do this next week, it could paralyze me.  I keep saying "There are so many of them."  I feel so outnumbered and so inadequate and go back and forth between wanting to send the kids to school so I can get a break for once and being afraid of how short my time with them will be and trying to plan for their life without a mom should my aneurysm rupture. 

I have been failing constantly with them.  My patience are thin, my energy is low, my nerves are shot and I am only one person with the workload of much more.... I'm getting so tired of not being the mom I want to be, that I feel like giving up on everything I have worked so hard to do in order to get some relief....  and this isn't really about what I decide to do with them - whether I put the babies in daycare so I can teach the older ones without constant interruptions... or I send the older ones to school so I can sit and play with my babies... or I accept that my kids have less of me than I would like, but they have more of each other, which has an entire other set of benefits... it's not about what I do necessarily - it's about winning the day.

What does it look like to "win the day."

Well, in my mind and heart, a day won is a day not where everything goes right, but one that when everything goes wrong, I can laugh and enjoy my loves even still.  A day won is a day where I treat my children and my husband like I believe they belong to the Creator of the Universe.  It's a day when I don't miss a chance to love someone else.  A day where I rest in God's faithfulness and trust in His plans. 

And so as I've spent the last few days, trying to 'win my day'... I failed a day in while cooking pancakes.  I was trying to make 8 pancakes and sausage while starting coffee and everything was going ok until something didn't... isn't that always the way?  And right when the food started to go down hill, Sam got hurt, the boys were fighting, people were demanding attention for boo-boos and justice for their attacker... and I snapped.  "STOP!"  I yelled.  "I can only do so many things at once!"  and in my mind I heard "Win the day... "  But to me, I had already lost it because I don't want to treat my kids like that...  And God ever so gently spoke to my heart...

Well then, win the moment.  If you lost one, dust yourself off and get the next.

Now that I can do.  One moment at a time... because moments lead to days... but they are a lot easier to manage. 

Tomorrow I have my stress test.  And I don't want to go... at all.  And I have an appointment every single day this week and two on Friday.  My life is a whirlwind and there isn't much I can do to slow it down.  Our family has medical issues and so this is just how it is for us.  I can let that drive me to the point of insanity - or I can win the moment.

You know, I thought I had this down with Rachel... I thought I learned how important and sacred each moment is.  I thought I understood how little control I have... I thought I was brought to a place of such close and sweet surrender with the Lord that I would never struggle again... but I still do - and know I always will.  My goal is to make the times of struggle times that I recognize as a gift to me from my Father who *will* work all things out for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28). And I love Him.

Times where I can choose to win the moment....to sit and play with my babies, who are growing up way too fast, whether I am watching or not.  To talk with my daughter who is yearning to work through her thoughts in her growing and changing mind...  to play ball with my boys who are soon going to want not much to do with their mom...  to sit down and snuggle with my man when even a few minutes allow...

It came to me as I thought on this...  I won that day.  Sure, everything was a wreck and the pest guy thought I was crazy and that we are slobs.  Sure, I was late for everything I had to do... sure, the kids caused, yet another disaster...  But I laughed and handled it all with grace...  looked INSANE, but whatever!  I didn't lose the moment.  My kids weren't traumatized by my laughing and they weren't embarrassed about our mess or the pest guys opinion.... and I wasn't trying to win the day - I wasn't even trying to win the moment - God won it.  He gave me what I needed to get through that with joy.

And then I thought about my computer  - all those pictures I lost aren't the winning moments.  They help me remember times and places... and without them a lot of it will fade from my (and the kids' minds)  But the winning moments on our family vacation aren't even on photos anyway.  They are the moments where we played a board game and (don't judge..) I had to "Make the player to the right of me laugh or pay $..." and I mooned Matt.  I've never seen my family laugh so hard...They are the moments where we chased our baby through the restaurant giggling out of embarrassment... helped each other up steep parts on our hike...  the moments of fun conversation by the fire... the moments of shared tears by the water... the moments of messing up and having to say "I'm sorry."  Even as I write that, I can think of a dozen pictures that would remind me of things I mentioned and it makes me sad... but the moments are not lost, they were already won.

And so this week, as we prepare for Easter - the best holiday of the year... and Good Friday - a day where God won the moment,  my prayer is that perspective won't be lost on me and I can win moments, one at a time - until they become days - and the days become memories... memories of the undeniable power of God and the victory He has over sin. 

I came across a little card with the serenity prayer on it - but it has the entire thing, which often isn't quoted... it seemed to fit - how 'ironic'!

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.

Amen

I Trust the Potter

Our owl pottery pieces arrived today  - and just as I feared, one was broken.  It was Desirae's of course... the one she was so longing to have... the whole reason I spent over $60 on buying, painting and shipping these... *sigh*

The big chunk missing looks like it can be glued back into place so I called the pottery place to ask what the best kind of glue to use is and she assured me that "This never happens."  (only to me, of course) She was very kind to give us a credit for the next time we are in town, and that was great since she could have said shipping issues were not her fault... but that didn't change a thing about the 12 year old girl sitting in front of me looking at the pottery I painted for her, on our special weekend, with disappointed eyes.

So I did what I do best... started talking with no clue what I was about to say... and dug deep for something Rachel's life has taught me...

"We can just look at it like... like... we can just look at it like just because it's not perfectly formed doesn't make it any less special."

She thought for a second and I waited to see if it would help... "Yeah... it's okay...at least it's in the back."  I continued nonchalantly, "It kind of gives it character." as I stirred the dinner I was cooking. 

She started planning her next piece she will paint with the credit and said she wants to go back each year on her birthday to paint a piece that she can make a collection for when she is older.  I told her maybe we can go back sooner than that for another girls day - to which she happily agreed.  I assured her I'd get the good glue and fix it the best I can.  I really hope it works and that she is just left with a little glue-filled crack as the reminder about 'imperfection not making things less special'... but if she has to live with the gaping hole... well, I can relate.

I thought back though to when the package arrived... I was in the shower and she came in all excited and said "Maaammmaa... look what I have..."  and proudly held up my mug.  I peeked out and said "Ooooh! I knew they were going to come today!" and she gave me a minute to enjoy it before telling me hers was broken.  I have to say, if I may brag for a moment... for a 12 year old who *really* wanted that owl jar, I'm seriously impressed that her first announcement to me wasn't "Mine is broken!"  She has a sincere concern for others and that makes me proud to be her mom.

On another note, I could use some prayer for my health.  The naturopath has been working with my supplements and I was doing pretty good - short version is all my issues this fall were because I was 'over methylated' from taking the active folate I thought I was supposed to be taking based on research and advice from others. (side note: PLEASE don't follow someone else's medical plan, every person's body is different!)  He used some other vitamins to remove the crazy amount of folate I had stored up (bc my body can't utilize it) and immediately I got better.  My blood pressure was down to a great number, my migraines went away, joint pain was all but gone, my moods evened out...

Well, I have to be on folate because of the MTHFR mutations.  So, he started me back on another kind weeks ago, just every other day and I was okay for maybe a few days.  It dawned on me yesterday that all of my issues have returned... migraines constantly - for days straight - horrible mood swings, joint pain like crazy and my blood pressure has started creeping back up.  I called today and he has me back to square one with supplements.  I'm thankful I recognized it early this time but it concerns me that what my body needs, it also doesn't take to well.  He said we'll figure it out, it's just going to be a balancing act because of the combination of mutations I have.  This is what he was telling me last month about 4 of the kids having 2 mutations on 677 which is worse for heart problems, but easier to treat because they almost never have this balance act problem... where Sam and I will have a harder time being treated because we will easily get over methylated and that has a whole other set of problems.  So please pray that we will figure out what I need and quickly.  Also for wisdom to stay on top of where the kids are at since they are all being treated now too and I don't know how they feel inside. 

I'm still waiting on results from my scan on Monday.  I think I had a horrible reaction to the contrast... not hives, but I was OUT OF IT for HOURS... actually, I fell asleep multiple times while driving myself home (I know, super dangerous) and then went to bed at 5:30 and couldn't come to when Matt tried to wake me. I am going to ask what to do for future scans, but I am not thrilled with this since scans are already nerve wracking enough.  It's not the common 'allergic' reaction, but it was pretty severe fatigue and that can't be normal.  Prayers for their discernment on that would be appreciated.

Lastly, I've been crying a lot... like on and off all day and night all week... over everything. I'm not sure if it's because I'm scared, overwhelmed, stretched way too thin, over methylated or a combination of all of it... but I'm struggling pretty bad.  I'm trying to only think on truth and to not get ahead of myself.  I'm at a major crossroads with school, where we live, health, Rachel's non profit... all of it... everything.  If you have talked to me in the last couple of weeks about me, you have seen me cry and that's a guarantee.  I don't have much to say about that other than I need prayer and I trust God with every detail of it all so I just ask that you carry me to the cross when I come to mind.

He formed me, He knew what parts would be broken, and He's the only One who can put me back together, if I'm even meant to ever be 'back together' on this side of heaven.  But I rest in the truth that I am HIS and not a single crack in my fragile self happens apart from His knowing it and Him carrying me through it.  If that means He brings me the special glue to hold me together... or if He allows me to stay the way I am until He creates me anew in my life after death... I trust the Potter.

 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

¹⁶ So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

 

Isaiah 43:1-7

 

   But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your descendants from the east,
And gather you from the west;
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
Bring My sons from afar,
And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”

Isaiah 64:8
And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.