A Bright Light in the Dark Days

We had our last appointment before Rachel's birthday today - had our last ultrasound and met with the surgeon that is going to do my c-section.  We were able to have our favorite sonographer today...

 

We got some good pictures of our pretty girl! She is nice and cozy down low, so part of her head is blocked by my uterus, but Susan put me 1/2 way upside down and managed to get some good shots.  And one of my hopes has come true... Rachel has some hair - and it looks long!  I saw that last week too, but we got a picture this time.  I'm assuming it will be black, like all the others - but it wouldn't surprise me if it's red...she is a little feisty!

On the way home, Matt graciously listened to me re-cap the last few months.  The summary:  A long road in a short time.  It's been so hard, and yet the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.  I remember in the beginning really struggling with how to walk the line of beauty and sorrow... now it seems to come naturally.  Rachel has made me a better and stronger person. 

Our meeting with the surgeon went well... we went over how it will all play out.  She actually laughed out loud when we said I didn't want to use narcotics.  I haven't used narcotics for anything, including getting my wisdom teeth out since I got sober 9 years ago.  I have a high pain tolerance (get that from my mom) but I don't want to be foolish about it either.  I don't want my mind to be foggy while I have time with the baby, but I also know that pain can be just as distracting... please pray that I will have wisdom to know what to do and that my pain will be easily controlled. 

She felt my belly and said "are you having a contraction?"  I said "no, I'm just muscular" :o)  My belly is always as hard as a rock cause it's stretched to the max.  I told her she should plan on getting sprayed when she cuts into it!  She said she'll wear her galoshes.  I asked her if she has ever delivered a baby with anencephaly before and she said "only for terminations" - my heart broke for those women.  I know that path brings only the sorrow...no beauty.  It's painful enough as it is, but that only makes it worse.  And they think they're taking the "easy" way out.   I'm hoping that Rachel will show all of these doctors and nurses and medical staff the truth of that...I'm sure she will.  I hope they can never look at a "termination" the same.  It's so sad.  I cried as soon as she left thinking of the fact that she has been part of such a dark thing.  I pray that Rachel will shine the light on that truth for her.

Then we got home and there was a package waiting on the table.  It said "To Desirae Aube, this is a week of celebration!  Merry Early Christmas" - I opened it and called her down to see and video taped her reaction... An American Girl Doll...  "with the accessories!" (in Des' words)  An anonymous gift, one she has been dying to receive.  She got out her catalog (that she looks through almost every day!) and read to me the story of Kit (the doll's name)  The title reads "A bright light in the dark days of the Great Depression - 1934"  and it tells about her dad losing his job and says "what she discovers:  Sometimes, along with hard times come good times...  have you ever faced tough times and found a way to stay hopeful?"  And Desirae yelled out "That's why they gave me this doll!!  It's cause of Rachel!"  She continued reading... "Even in tough times, Kit wakes up with a sunny outlook" and ran to get Daddy to tell him all about how she related to this doll.  "Daddy, Daddy!  I know why they picked this doll!...."

I always thought American Girls were a waste of money...  but I can't begin to tell you what a blessing this doll was in our home tonight.  Whoever you are...  Thank you.  We are humbled by your generosity.