Apparently the closer Rachel's birthday gets, the more unstable I'm going to feel... Today was a bad day. Before I ever even walked into church, I was on the verge of tears. I almost started crying because I dropped my Tums under the car seat. After many failed attempts at hiding from having to talk to people, we left and fought all the way home over the kids' car seats. That's right, car seats. I went to Joanne Fabrics to buy the fabric I need to make Rachel's blanket and everyone who came near me said "oh, when are you due?" and I said "Christmas" with a smile, and then everyone had something to say...."oh that's going to be fun" - "I had my baby on the 24th" - "I was due on December 16 and didn't have my son until the 29th". I'm getting really good at my nod-and-smile routine. Then I came home and completely fell apart in tears because my cordless phone isn't working - again. I didn't even want to use the phone... And I ignored a bunch of calls because our land line is junk and the caller ID doesn't work. I hardly want to talk to people I enjoy talking to, but I was definitely not going to end up being stuck in a nod-and-smile routine in my own home. All that being said it's only fair that I give a warning:
- If one more person says "how are you?" I might start crying and not stop - the question is impossible to answer, unless you want me to lie and say "good". (Wow, all this time I thought I NEVER lied, and it looks like I do lie... I tell people every day I'm "good") The other option is for me to tell you how I'm really doing, but then most likely we'll run into warning #2, so keep reading before you decide if you want to do that...
- If one more person tries to tell me how I should feel or why I should be okay with my daughter dying - or if one more person feels the need to "encourage" me by telling me how I need to let go of my fears because whatever happens is "God's plan", I might scream like a crazy lady... truth be told, it's usually what I'm doing on the inside anyway. Might as well let it out, God already knows. I figure if everyone can tell me what they think, then I should be able to do the same. And screaming would be a nice way to say it. It's if I start saying actual words that I might sound mean, so I'll go for just looking crazy and scream. I don't need anyone to try to "fix" how I'm feeling. I need people to try to have empathy. And for the record, I don't question God's plan. I may not like it, but I don't question it.
- If one more person says that me wanting to be away from people is unhealthy and not good for me, well, maybe I'll record the next few nod-and-smile conversations I have with people and the next time one of these "concerned" people is going through something that could be considered even remotely as painful as watching your baby die, I'll play it back and see what they think. Rest assured, I am not being unhealthy. I am doing exactly what God would have me do right now. If that looks unhealthy, well, looks aren't everything,
Right now you're probably thinking I don't need to scream to sound like a crazy lady...that's okay with me. I actually used to have "crazy" on my license plate and I paid extra for that. And to be honest, I'm not feeling very stable, so the title pretty much fits...call me crazy, call me hormonal, call me anti-social - just stop telling me I'm not handling this right. I can't nod-and-smile through it anymore. It's not encouraging. It's not helpful. You can't fix this. I'm not asking you to. Don't try.
I will once again refer you to the "what family and friends can do" link that I have recommended before...I have conveniently put a link to it right on my page (top right) for you benefit and mine. This would be a good time to read it if you haven't already. Most of the things that are written in the "don't do" list are things I have to endure EVERY time I am around people. Hmmm, don't know why I'd want to be alone...
When I first let everyone know about Rachel, I specifically said that I "preferred hugs over talking details, it's more helpful and less draining" That is why I have this blog, so that I don't have to repeat myself over and over about the same stuff. The same painful stuff. I can't tell you how many people ask me how I'm doing, listen for a couple minutes and then throw out some pat answer that totally minimizes what I'm going through. I know I should "want" to be reminded of those truths, but I don't. The Holy Spirit gives me all the truth I need to get through this. But He can't give me a hug.
So, while I was venting about all that crap, I ate a bowl of ice cream and took benedryl... I should start calming down any minute. Still love me?
Yes - I absolutely still love you and I bet Rachel is lovin' you especially hard right now for the yummy ice cream you shared with her :-)
ReplyDeleteummm, I didn't go back to work after we got our initial diagnosis and have only seen a couple people from school since Sammy was born. I cried on the way into church the first 2 times after he was born. Large crowds hurt my feelings for some reason and make me cry so yeah, I tend to try to avoid them too.
You didn't mention "the face". The first time my neighbor saw me after Sammy was born she waved from inside her car and gave me "the face" so I ran inside crying. *crazy* doesn't begin to describe how all this feels.
do you still love me? Couldn't help but comment...*virtual hug*
I still love you and always will!!!
ReplyDeleteI love you every minute of every day of your life. Smiling, crying, laughing, screaming. It matters not. Happy, sad, inside, outside, upside down. Every minute. With a gush of words or total silence. Every day. From near or far. Even after I take my last breath on this earth - I will love you every minute of every day of your life.
ReplyDeleteThat's because I'm your mom and that's how parents feel about their children & grandchildren.
I Love you.
ReplyDeleteDenise
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI love you so much. You have taught me (& I believe so many others as well) so many things that I never knew before. You have taught me what really matters most in life, and to not take advantage of the time that we have- NOW. I know that I hold my kids & husband closer to my heart because of you. :) I don't think you're crazy at all. You are a beautiful person, an awesome mother, a loving friend, and a wonderful wife. I love your honesty & how you are able to tell it like it is. Because of your openness, those who truly love you can know a little better of how to try to be helpful to you instead of hurtful. You are helping others who are going through your same situation to know they are not alone & that they don't have to put on a mask and lie to the world. Thank you for putting up with all of us & for your grace! :) I see now that people can put you through more pain than you ever thought possible. Thank you for your honesty about this so that I (& others) can try to be more careful with our words & actions, & hopefully know better in the future how to handle other delicate situations with empathy as well. I love you & am praying for you constantly. Rachel is beautiful! I love all her pictures! I love her lips! She's so feminine! Thank you for being my friend! - B
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I found your blog after someone posted the link on facebook.
:hug:
Praying from Utah.
Sarah
I was sent this link by a friend. I cried reading your blogs. I had a late term miscarriage of a baby boy with anencephaly, I was a older teenager and totally unprepared for what happened. I wish I had known prior to his early birth that he had anencephaly. God Bless you, your family and Racheal. As I am now a mom with 3 children I am also very thankful that you have elected to allow your daughter to be a organ donor.
ReplyDeleteStacy,
ReplyDeleteyou are an awesome MOM, HUGS to you.
HUGS STACY!!
ReplyDeleteMichelle D
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI still love you!and I honestly know exactly how you feel cause I have been there and felt the same way!! You are not crazy even a litle. What it all comes down to is that people who haven't gone through this honestly do not understand and they don't mean(at least I hope) to do or say what they say. I can't tell you how many times my husband told me to post that link that you talked about on my blog and on my facebook page, but I was afraid to hurt others feelings, so good for you for being strong enough to speak up..you are hurting enough, you don't need anymore pain! Just know although we have never met, I love you more than you'll ever know. Big hugs!
Love, Chrissy
Praying for your heart tonight!
Big hugs - will always love you
ReplyDeletesueb
You do not know me. I found your blog after someone on babycenter.com posted a prayer request for you.
ReplyDeleteI was moved to tears about your story. The love you feel for your whole family is just remarkable.
Dont ever apologize for expressing your feelings. Nobody knows what you are going through but you. I imagine it is incredibly difficult as you find yourself almost consoling those around you when you have to fake a smile or say you are fine when you really are not.
I have suffered several miscarriages. And each one I felt like I had to tell people I was fine so that they could process it and be fine. When really I was not. It is very important that you express how you feel so that those around you know how to respond. Everyone has a different journey. This is yours. And nobody is going to know how to react unless you guide them by telling them your needs. Some days you will know how you want things handled, and other days it is going to be just too much. However I think you are doing an amazing job of conveying how you feel. And I bet that your family and friends appreciate that more than ever.
Always thinking of you and your family
E
I love you! HUGS always! You are an amazing woman, wonderful wife and mother, compassionate friend, true witness of the good news of Jesus Christ and a beloved daughter of God. I love your family! I'm privileged that you have shared your journey so we all get to know and love Rachel. Praying for you all!
ReplyDeleteNancy H
I sent people to my blog too....because talking details was way too much for me! Large crowds are STILL a little hard for me, 10 weeks out. People give me 'the face' all the time....and sometimes I call them out on it. "I know I"m awkward to talk to, I"m in this weird club..". Don't feel like you have to comfort others...I always do!!!
ReplyDeleteAm I deducing that you are military (your hubby?). We are Army, living near Ft. Benning. Found you through Melissa, who I have become good friends with through this journey.
Oh, and what I've realized about people telling us why "the Lord planned this" for our babies....it SUCKS because WE KNOW. We believe that GOd is completely and totally soverign. He is supreme and true and creates all things perfectly in his image (our babies were created to be with him)....but we DO NOT need you to tell us that. There are no words from you (stranger) that can help right now. Prepare your heart for lots of that after the birth.
I even had a great, well meaning friend (with a newborn) say, " Well, be thankful for your full nights of sleep, at least you don't have to wake up to a crying infant". REALLY????? I would have done anything to still be pregnant or have a healthy baby. I seriously do not understand the disconnect.
But we know that people mean well. I will pray that your journey will continue to touch people around the world. That your sweet girl would bring God's GLORY to this earth and allow her to fulfill her purpose here.
At this moment, I am praying for you and your family.